Divorced/separated parents

[SillyMe]

How did you introduce your children to your new boyfriend/girlfriend? And how soon?

 

[Tiggeroo]

i would say not until you are very sure it is serious and likely to become a permenant thing. Although I would guess you could have casual persons pick you up for a date, just not to spend time with your kids.

 

[snowwite]

DH and I dated for several months before I introduced him to kids. I dont even recall what we did. I think he came for dinner and we just started including him when we went to a movie or bowling or my daughters play etc. When we went to disney he stayed in another resort and met up with us in the morning. He never stayed over before we were married(at least not that they knew about ) Before we got married I talked to the kids. If they had had problems with it i would have had a hard time getting married. Thank God they approved and we had them it the wedding.

 

[SillyMe]

So I'm not being a witch in being ticked at my ex right now? My dd7 just found out about a week ago that he has a new girlfriend. Okay, fine, we haven't been together for over a year, but it was the way she found out. She found the woman's pajamas on the couch at her dad's house. Up until that point, she had no idea her dad was dating.

Now last night he took her to a restaurant where this woman works and introduced them. The woman then proceeded to go back to the house and SPENT THE NIGHT. Apparently they think it's all fine and dandy since she slept on the couch, but this is the first time my dd7 met her. Oh, the best part is that he told my dd that this woman is "just a friend". Yet she spent the night. What kind of message is that sending to my dd?? My dd only spends the night there once a month or every other month. He could have put his selfish needs aside for that one night.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I'm sorry your daughter is upset and that her dad put her in that situation.

 

[Serena]

I'd be furious too.

As for my girl's dad. He left me to move in with our dear friend. That lasted 6 months and he had 2 girlfriends before marrying someone else. The girls knew they had no say with him.


For me, trust is going to be a big issue. I don't know what I'm going to do with dating. The girls want to approve the guy first.
My oldest told me she's taking me out to give out my phone number. I can just picture her handing out pieices of paper to all the men in the bar and pointing to me. So far I've managed to avoid that.
I don't think it'll be an easy road for any of us when the time comes. I fully expect fireworks. He'll have to be strong and gentle enough to handle it.

 

[snowwite]

So I'm not being a witch in being ticked at my ex right now? My dd7 just found out about a week ago that he has a new girlfriend. Okay, fine, we haven't been together for over a year, but it was the way she found out. She found the woman's pajamas on the couch at her dad's house. Up until that point, she had no idea her dad was dating.

Now last night he took her to a restaurant where this woman works and introduced them. The woman then proceeded to go back to the house and SPENT THE NIGHT. Apparently they think it's all fine and dandy since she slept on the couch, but this is the first time my dd7 met her. Oh, the best part is that he told my dd that this woman is "just a friend". Yet she spent the night. What kind of message is that sending to my dd?? My dd only spends the night there once a month or every other month. He could have put his selfish needs aside for that one night.

I would be mad too.

 

[SillyMe]

Thanks. This is all new to me, but this certainly isn't the way I think it should've been handled. Introduce them at the restaurant, fine. Don't have her spending the night while my dd is there, especially if you're not serious about her and telling dd she's just a friend.

Apparently he asked dd if it was okay with her. She said she didn't know what to say, was uncomfortable with it, but was afraid to tell her dad.

 

[shortbun]

Yeah, it was all fine up to the introduction at the restaurant. Next should have been lunch together some other time. After that, maybe a cookout at home and the lady leaves....for months and months until they get engaged. 7yo children should NOT be subjected to Dad's sleepover friends when the child only spends a couple nights a month. Stupid man. Guess that's why you're no longer married to him, eh? I'd talk to my attorney and ask if I could request no sleepover dates with Daddy's casual friends.

 

[SillyMe]

Yeah, it was all fine up to the introduction at the restaurant. Next should have been lunch together some other time. After that, maybe a cookout at home and the lady leaves....for months and months until they get engaged. 7yo children should NOT be subjected to Dad's sleepover friends when the child only spends a couple nights a month. Stupid man. Guess that's why you're no longer married to him, eh? I'd talk to my attorney and ask if I could request no sleepover dates with Daddy's casual friends.

Ahhh, see, we tried going the "amicable" route and didn't get attornies involved. We weren't married, but were together a very long time and owned a house together. It was pretty much a mutual decision for the separation and we really tried being amicable for dd's sake. We worked out our own child support (I settled for less), he got the house (bought me out for less than I should've gotten), and he refused to do scheduled visitation. Everything revolves around his life, his schedules. I bit my tongue and didn't pursue it with an attorney for 2 reasons. One b/c we're trying to be amicable and two, because dd didn't even want to sleep over at his place for a long time in the beginning. It would've forced her to be there when she didn't want to.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Talk to him about it then. Explain that your daughter just isn't ready for that step in her life and that it confuses her. I'm sure he won't be thrilled since he asked her but seriously what did he expect a 7 year old to say? I came from a single parent family and I HATED with a passion when mom would bring around the guys she was dating and I was in my late teens she started having ummm sleepovers and I HATED HATED that even more. Explain that for just that one night your daughter wants just his time.

 

[SillyMe]

Talk to him about it then. Explain that your daughter just isn't ready for that step in her life and that it confuses her. I'm sure he won't be thrilled since he asked her but seriously what did he expect a 7 year old to say? I came from a single parent family and I HATED with a passion when mom would bring around the guys she was dating and I was in my late teens she started having ummm sleepovers and I HATED HATED that even more. Explain that for just that one night your daughter wants just his time.

Apparently he doesn't care what I think b/c I tried to talk to him calmly when she found the woman's pajamas. I was furious she found out that way. He went and did this anyway, and I know he knew I would not approve. He's been avoiding us all day. I called him as soon as I found out and he wouldn't answer the phone. He knew I'd be livid.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

Talk to him about it then. Explain that your daughter just isn't ready for that step in her life and that it confuses her. I'm sure he won't be thrilled since he asked her but seriously what did he expect a 7 year old to say? I came from a single parent family and I HATED with a passion when mom would bring around the guys she was dating and I was in my late teens she started having ummm sleepovers and I HATED HATED that even more. Explain that for just that one night your daughter wants just his time.

Sounds like a reasonable approach. Unfortunately some people can be so self-centered. He may get all defensive and think that mom is trying to tell him how to run his life instead of seeing the big picture and really considering his daughter's feelings.

 

[SillyMe]

Sounds like a reasonable approach. Unfortunately some people can be so self-centered. He may get all defensive and think that mom is trying to tell him how to run his life instead of seeing the big picture and really considering his daughter's feelings.

Bingo. That would be because everything revolves around his life. His daughter is put behind his hobbies, his work, his friends. He spends time with her when he doesn't have plans to do anything else.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've never had to go through that, I guess is a blessing. If your daughter isn't comfortable being there and his lady friend is there make sure he knows you will come get her and that your daughter knows she can always call you. I'm sorry your daughter is caught in the middle of this.

 

[summerrluvv]

I think it's crappy the way they were introduced, however, I really don't think you yelling at him is going to make a difference. He sounds like a jerk and will do what he wants anyway, so I would just save your energy. The only thing you can do is not allow your daughter over there.

 

[shortbun]

Guess since there is no official plan, your 7yo doesn't need to be exposed to anymore adult sleepover activity. Maybe they need to just go with daytime visits for a while. Good luck.

 

[sweet angel]

Guess since there is no official plan, your 7yo doesn't need to be exposed to anymore adult sleepover activity. Maybe they need to just go with daytime visits for a while. Good luck.

I agree with this. The last thing you need right now is to have to pay for an attorney. Keep it to daytime visits. If he doesn't like it, let HIM get an attorney. I suspect he won't care though.

 

[mylilnikita]

His idea of being amicable means that he gets everything his way. I was married to DD's dad. I tried doing amicable, but I needed to protect myself and my child. DD's dad kept her 1 night and I found out he lied and had his***** there bathing my child,she was 2 at the time. So, we went to court and even though he didn't fight me having sole custody, if we had joint that would have interfered with his playboy lifestyle-lol, but he was not allowed to have her over night, until a few years ago when he was finally with someone who has treated my Dd as her own along with a few other stipulations.
You need to go to court and get custody established, visitation established, and child support established, you never settle for less when it comes to your child. It won't be fun, court that is, but you need to do what is in the best interest of your child. And hopefully going before a judge and explaining that he had some woman your child hadn't previously met over for the night and see how that goes over. Maybe your ex will get the hint that not everything is not about him and he needs to think about his child instead of getting his freak on.
I wish you luck. I'm sorry your DD had to be put in that situation.
I had a friend, well we are still friends, but in 5th grade I would spend the night and her mom would have different men stay over and would have her daughters call them uncles. Nasty.

 

[SillyMe]

Guess since there is no official plan, your 7yo doesn't need to be exposed to anymore adult sleepover activity. Maybe they need to just go with daytime visits for a while. Good luck.

I think you're right. I got her a phone and she will be informed that if she has a sleepover planned with him, I want a phone call if the gf plans on spending the night. I will go pick her up and bring her home.