Divorced/separated parents

[debbiedoo]

no advice, but to you, I am sure you are livid, I know I would be.

 

[TCPluto]

I'm sorry your daughter is upset and that her dad put her in that situation.

I think the OP is upset, I don't se where she says her daughter is.

 

[sweet angel]

I think the OP is upset, I don't se where she says her daughter is.

She posted:

"Apparently he asked dd if it was okay with her. She said she didn't know what to say, was uncomfortable with it, but was afraid to tell her dad."

Even if her daughter WASN'T upset, that certainly doesn't make it right.

 

[SillyMe]

I think the OP is upset, I don't se where she says her daughter is.

She is upset. She said her dad asked her if it was okay with her, and it wasn't but she was afraid to tell her dad how she felt. She pretends everything is okay with him b/c she's afraid he'll yell at her if she tells him how she feels, but then comes home and cries to me. She came home this morning and asked me if I still have feelings for him and told me she still wishes we'd get back together. I explained that will not happen, no matter what. She had a hard time with this separation and had been doing better until this happened.

ETA: She told me she felt uncomfortable because the woman is a stranger to her.

 

[TCPluto]

She posted:

"Apparently he asked dd if it was okay with her. She said she didn't know what to say, was uncomfortable with it, but was afraid to tell her dad."

Even if her daughter WASN'T upset, that certainly doesn't make it right.

This came later in the thread, after the quote I referenced.

Is it possible the child was sensing the mother's attitude regarding the matter, and responded according to how she thought the OP wanted her to??

 

[sweet angel]

This came later in the thread, after the quote I referenced.

Is it possible the child was sensing the mother's attitude regarding the matter, and responded according to how she thought the OP wanted her to??

Doubtful. What young child WANTS to see their parents with other people? What young child would think that was fine and dandy?

Do you really think the way this was handled was okay?

 

[SillyMe]

This came later in the thread, after the quote I referenced.

Is it possible the child was sensing the mother's attitude regarding the matter, and responded according to how she thought the OP wanted her to??

Um, no. She's 7 years old and believe me, she has a mind of her own.

 

[TCPluto]

Doubtful. What young child WANTS to see their parents with other people? What young child would think that was fine and dandy?

Do you really think the way this was handled was okay?

I don't know if it's doubrful or not. It depends on the relationship of the child and her father, and we really have no way of knowing what that is.

And I don't know if it was handled correctly or not, not enough information is available. Particularly the other side of the story.

Some ex's are never ok with the new girlfriend/wife in these instances.

 

[sweet angel]

So you don't see any problem with a 7 year old girl meeting her father's "friend" for the first time and having said "friend" spend the night with the 7 year old girl there?

Wow...

 

[sweet angel]

So, for arguments sake, would it be okay if the OP brought home some random guy and had him spend the night?

 

[TCPluto]

Um, no. She's 7 years old and believe me, she has a mind of her own.

All of our children our influenced by us as parents, at least they should be. And this instance is no different.

Because you have issue with this, it's only natural that your daughter would pick up on that and mirror those sentiments. I'm not saying it's not justified, but only you know the specifics of this, not us.

Giving your side of the situation, and your spin (face it, it's human nature to present the case in the best possible light to make your point), needs to be accounted for.

If you feel this stronlgy about this, get it in front of the court and let them decide. They will have all sides of the story, yours and his, and decide what's in the best interests of the child.

 

[TCPluto]

So, for arguments sake, would it be okay if the OP brought home some random guy and had him spend the night?

I'd say, without question, a "random guy/girl" sleep-over would be in poor form. But that has nothing to do, so far as any of us know (inlcuding the OP), with the situation as described in the OP.

Clearly, none of us know if this is some "random" woman. The OP's ex seems to have left her out of this aspect of his persoanl life, so no one knows the status of his sleep-overs..

 

[SillyMe]

I'd say, without question, a "random guy/girl" sleep-over would be in poor form. But that has nothing to do, so far as any of us know (inlcuding the OP), with the situation as described in the OP.

Clearly, none of us know if this is some "random" woman. The OP's ex seems to have left her out of this aspect of his persoanl life, so no one knows the status of his sleep-overs..

What's the difference if it's random or not random if she's a stranger to my daughter? Unbelievable. He left us out of this aspect of his personal life, period, until his new gf left her pajamas out in the open for my dd to see. If he didn't want anyone to know the status of his sleepovers, then my dd should have been the LAST to know. She should not have been subjected to this, period. I would never do that to my children.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I think the OP is upset, I don't se where she says her daughter is.

Pardon me for assuming. I'll just shut my mouth now.

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

My kids didnt meet my DH until we had been dating for several months...but, he lives overseas so it was difficult anyways. But he had visited here three times before they met, which was almost a year. Now, my ex, he has no problem telling the kids oh this is my new girlfriend. He has been engaged twice, and the current one has been on again off again. My poor DD says, I think she may be my new step mom but I am not sure . I'm glad my ex is dating. I want him to be happy, but I wish he would leave the kids out of it til things get a bit more serious.

 

[SillyMe]

My kids didnt meet my DH until we had been dating for several months...but, he lives overseas so it was difficult anyways. But he had visited here three times before they met, which was almost a year. Now, my ex, he has no problem telling the kids oh this is my new girlfriend. He has been engaged twice, and the current one has been on again off again. My poor DD says, I think she may be my new step mom but I am not sure . I'm glad my ex is dating. I want him to be happy, but I wish he would leave the kids out of it til things get a bit more serious.

That's pretty much my point. Although I would have no problem with him and the new gf taking my dd to the movies, bowling, whatever. But not sleepovers. Especially not the first day dd met her.

 

[SillyMe]

Unbelievable. He just told me that he thought he did the right thing for everyone by not sending this woman home at midnight. He told me right out he saw absolutely nothing wrong with having her spend the night with my dd there. He said everyone he asked thought it was okay, too. Oh, and he thinks it's no different than if he were married to someone. Also said my standards are too high for believing there's something wrong with what he did.

 

[Disneydreaming6]

When I first left my ex. I went to therapy with my children. The therapst said to me, I'm going to tell you what I told my daughter when she left her husband. It is not good for the children to see you parading around with diffrent men. Go out, date have a good time, when they are with their father. When you meet someone, wait a yr, that will give you enough time to know if it is serious or not. It was great advice. I dated my now dh over a yr before my children ever even heard me mention that I went out. The first time my children met dh, we "ran into" him at a take out place. Then we "ran into" him at a friends 4th of july party. Just stuff like that, then one day I said hey guys Mike wanted to know if we wanted to go to the movies. After a few months of "family dating" he started sleeping over on the couch.

 

[snowwite]

Unbelievable. He just told me that he thought he did the right thing for everyone by not sending this woman home at midnight. He told me right out he saw absolutely nothing wrong with having her spend the night with my dd there. He said everyone he asked thought it was okay, too. Oh, and he thinks it's no different than if he were married to someone. Also said my standards are too high for believing there's something wrong with what he did.

If you have high standards and are trying to raise your daughter with good morals then continue to stick to your guns. Has your ex indicated that this is a serious relationship and not one of a string of casual partners he plans to parade in front of your child? Assuming he is serious about this woman, she is going to be around your DD. I would just make sure to lay some ground rules for the times DD is with them and hopefully he will agree and you can all get along. My ex moved in with the girl across the street and they eventually maried. So, even though me and my DH waited until we were married for sleep overs and tried to make kids comfortable my ex did his own thing. In the end there isnt a lot you can do. Try to honestly answer questions she mayhave or better yet have her dad answer them. Try really hard not to say anything bad against your ex in front of your DD.This can be hard and I have the scars from biting my tongue but I think it is important for kids to know its ok to love dad even though you are divorced. When they are older they will form thier own opinions.

 

[SillyMe]

If you have high standards and are trying to raise your daughter with good morals then continue to stick to your guns. Has your ex indicated that this is a serious relationship and not one of a string of casual partners he plans to parade in front of your child? Assuming he is serious about this woman, she is going to be around your DD. I would just make sure to lay some ground rules for the times DD is with them and hopefully he will agree and you can all get along. My ex moved in with the girl across the street and they eventually maried. So, even though me and my DH waited until we were married for sleep overs and tried to make kids comfortable my ex did his own thing. In the end there isnt a lot you can do. Try to honestly answer questions she mayhave or better yet have her dad answer them. Try really hard not to say anything bad against your ex in front of your DD.This can be hard and I have the scars from biting my tongue but I think it is important for kids to know its ok to love dad even though you are divorced. When they are older they will form thier own opinions.

No, he hasn't said whether it's serious or not. I brought that up and told him when it is serious, then it becomes a different story, but in my dd's eyes, she's a stranger right now. If it serious, then he's sending mixed signals to my dd, b/c he told her the woman is not his girlfriend, she's just a friend.

I informed him last night that I do not mind if they take her places or watch movies together or whatever, but absolutely no sleepovers while my dd is there. I told him if he's serious about her and she plans on moving in, they get engaged or married, then it becomes an altogether different story. He claimed there is no difference. It's just like having a guy friend sleep on the couch while she's there.

Oh, I've been biting my tongue on alot of things for over a year now. I'm used to it.