Divorced parents who are dating....

[ten6mom]

...how long did you wait before introducing your SO to your kids? Do you think it worked out pretty well or would you do it differently next time?

 

[kimblebee]

I waited about a month, I think. My daughter is 12. I think it was the right decision because we spend a lot of time at my place and there was no way to keep them separated. She still sees her dad so she wasn't looking for a new daddy figure and he's not trying to take over the dad role. They get along great so I think it was the right decision for us.

 

[mckelvey72]

That is a hard question. I am the other woman...my boyfriend introduced me after about a month and it was fine with both girls. Having said that, my boyfriend and I have known each other since we were 8 and the families were close for a long time. And I actually met the 4 year old at a public function the same night I re-ran into now said boyfriend.

But I digress hahaha....I think the moms have it harder....if you have young girls and you are brining a new man into their lives, just be sure you know the person. In this day and age it has got to be hard to be dating and have daughters. So would say to just be careful.

My gut tells me that the other person should be introduced when you feel the relationship could go somewhere. If it just casual then keep the kids out of it. If the kids are older...have you talked to them about it?? And also ask the boyfriend IF he is ready to be introduced. Meeting the 4 year old was a piece of cake...meeting the 14 year old was HARD and I wasn't ready but boyfriend insisted. 8 years later we still have a rocky relationship.

I know that wasn't an answer but maybe some of it helped.

 

[ten6mom]

OP here. My boys are 9 and 6. Their dad (with whom I have a great relationship) is dating. The 9 year old has mentioned it to me a couple of times and I knew anyway because my ex told me. I know that my kids have not met her and he has not met her kids (all girls, the oldest of whom is 14). The man I am seeing has FOUR girls, the oldest of whom are 13 year old twins! I know he has not even told his daughters that he is dating, although he has told his immediate family and friends. He is looking out for their best interests and I totally respect that. Just wondering what the "norm" is, if there is such a thing. I am not sure if either of us has any real plans to get married again.... we have been dating about 3 months. There is no rush at all.... I am curious to hear of others' experiences.

 

[mckelvey72]

Believe me I understand the no plans for marriage. We are together for 8 years and still no plans HAHA But the commitment is there.

Good luck with your situation, sounds like a brady bunch merger HAHA!!! Its definitely a hard decision and I like that you are not taking it lightly.

My brother got divorce and he thinks all the women should meet his son after 1 date and the house has been a revolving door the last few years. And he wonders why his son has issues......

 

[Darcy03231]

For us, it was after about 6 months, but it was only just introducing us to each other's children. We didn't start doing anything that included the children and really getting to kn0w them until we knew our relationship was going somewhere. Neither one of us wanted our children getting attached and then having it not work out.

It worked for us. We dated for about 2 years and have been married for 16 years.

 

[PatsGirl]

My kids knew that I dated occasionally on the weekends and the few times that I considered it a commitment I did introduce the SO after a few months but over 20 years of dating, that happened few and far between. There was one relationship that was serious and we moved in together (DD's father) and I introduced DS to him just after a couple of months. My entire family knew him (we were high school sweethearts and his sister and I were very good friends). Ds was only 4 years old too so I don't think it had the impact that it would with an older, say preteen child.

Most recently, I started dating my now-husband when DD was 14. I waited a few months and then started bringing him around. She did have a hard time with our relationship but we worked it out and I give him loads of kudos for that. I think the hardest thing for her was that she and I had been 1-1 for several years since DS went into the military and even before that there is a 7 1/2 year difference between them so it was really she and I together against the world for her entire life He did everything in his power to let her know he was the "intruder" so to speak and that we would move at a pace comfortable for everyone. We were married in March and I really believe both my kids love him as much as I do and we all get along extremely well

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Dates can meet my daughter and say hi but I would have to date them for at least 6-12 months before I would allow the date to hang out with her in any way.

I have a lot of cousins that are 10-15 years older than me so they started having children when I was around 5-10 years old. Some of them were single moms and I watched them introduce boyfriend after boyfriend to their kids. I saw how if affected the kids when mom would breakup with the guy and they were no longer around. I refuse to do this to my daughter.

I have only had one person question this and he was out of my life right after that. If you can't respected my wishes on this, then you are not the type of person I want in my daughter's life anyway.

 

[tasha99]

I am so bad at the dating with kids thing, that I'm just waiting for my youngest to move out (in 3-4 years--he's 15). I basically never wanted to be the kind of person who brought in a string of guys, as my kids have dealt with enough loss. I did try to date a couple of years ago. Dated a guy for about a year, and then decided to have him meet the kids. It was too late--we broke up within a month after that, largely due to his personality not fitting into the group. Basically, I knew he had a temper and had put up with his "tantrums," but he had one in front of my son, and we just left. Funny (or maybe sad) that I have a much higher standard for my children than I do for me.

So, that's probably not helpful, but I would say you can wait too long and invest a lot in a relationship that won't work because the other person is not good with kids. For me a month would be too soon, but a year is too long.

 

[TheAviator]

I definitely would wait at least 6 months or longer. Unless the person is just a friend, then you could just say here is my friend. I think any less than 6 months you are taking a big risk, you do not know the person well enough, what if you end up breaking up, then get another partner, it will just confuse the kid with the revolving door. I don't really see a point in it at all, unless you are certain you are going to be with the person for a LONG time.

 

[lauracitawita]

I waited a year. I had dated a couple of guys after my divorce, but never introduced them to my daughter. I'm glad I waited the year for them to meet. My daughter was really sad that her dad and I split up and I didn't want her to deal with anything extra.

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