I've gone through two divorces as a kid. The second was when I was 17, he'd been my stepdad since I was around 9...as soon as he filed for divorce, other than occasional visits while my mom was at work, so he could tape more laserdiscs ("don't tell your mom I was here, OK?"), he disappeared entirely. It's such a weird feeling, to have this person just gone. I found him online, I am tempted to contact him, but that's my unhealthy way-too-loyal-and-forgiving side. I'm not sure what I would get out of contacting him. He had two kids before he married my mom, and rarely saw them. My mom treated them very very well, and the summer or two that they spent with us was really fun. I'd always wanted sisters and stepsisters was good enough for me.
My dad...he never managed to take the weekends off when we visited, so we spent days on the bus (he drove for Greyhound) or with our stepmom when she appeared in his life. We were always interested in just reading and hanging out, so it wasn't desperately awful, BUT he did disappoint us.
On the other hand, I've seen how his kids from his second marriage have lived, and I do NOT envy them at all! I went around 30 years thinking I was really messed up b/c of him, and then I realized what my half-brothers were like as adults...my half-sis still has a chance, but I don't know...
Every so often I think about what it would be like, if DH and I split up. The time with DS would, absolutely and completely, be lessened. There's just no way for a non-custodial parent to spend as much time with their kids as they did when they were living in the same house. And the attention given to kids during visits is weird, even if they are doing it right. I bet it's a RARE non-custodial visit situation that has kids and parent acting totally normal during visits, without special things happening, etc etc. (heck, it's possible that my own visits with my dad, where he still had to work, were more normal than most visits, since that is exactly how he is)
Thinking about that sort of thing can snap me out of any rotten mood I might be in...I would hate for DS to have to spend less time with either one of us.
Things got worse for my brother after I went to college and my mom and second husband divorced, as my mom moved across the country. My dad still gripes about that, but the truth was, there was NO other choice for her, and he certainly wasn't going to take my brother in full time, and my brother had absolutely had it with my dad and our half-brothers and us being smoked on etc etc etc. My brother wouldn't have been visiting him, he can be an immoveable object, but dad just refuses to understand that. He lives in la la land where he would have been the perfect parent, at long last, if only my mom hadn't moved his son away from everyone blah blah blah...
Anyway, spending less time is something that happens in just about every noncustodialparent/child relationship...but one hopes that the parent does things with grace. Which it doesn't sound like your BIL is doing.
By the way, I really feel for you since you have been related to him since you were a child. I have a few friends who have much older siblings and sibling-spouses, and I'm sure it would be devastating for them to lose that relationship
His counselor says things like "You have a new life now." And talks about him not spending as much time with the kids.
How do the kids do in the future when this type thing happens to you. I have a new understanding of that old saying, "A dead parent is better than an absent parent."
They need to go to counseling but they say do not want to talk about it.
I know he wouldn't be in favor of spending money on counseling either.
I'm not totally sure if he is in counseling (maybe you were saying he woudln't want to spend the money on the kids in counseling), but if he is...either the counselor is bad, or just realistic and trying to help him through the realities of spending less time with them.
If you were ever roommates with a friend, it's like once you find new places to live. You are still friends, but you just don't spend as much time with them, even in the best of friendships. Living with someone yields a level of relationship that just visiting can't mimic, IMO.
Anyway, my dad had a BAD counselor. Advised my father to wait for US to contact HIM. We were, maybe, 8 and 6. My dad lived an hour away, in a different area code which meant the call was charged. I was shy, and my brother had never actually lived with him...my brother was actually conceived while my dad was living elsewhere, having already basically checked out of the relationship...it took 2 years after he was born for my mom to finally give up, so there was no living-together for dad and brother...and therefore, he didn't feel that he knew him well enough to call him. So...we went a YEAR. Finally, someone made the move (might have been my mom, wondering if he had died or something) and he told us it was the counselor's idea. Basically the counselor wanted to see if we valued our relationship...yeah, again, 6 and 8.
As for how kids fare... Again it's not a perfect match for what is happening in your extended family, but with me, I was messed up for a long time, picking inappropriate men to have relationships with, until I got a clue that I really shouldn't look for my dad in a boyfriend. Otherwise I was fine. My brother got it right on his second try at a relationship, marrying his second girlfriend when he was newly graduated from college! They've been married 16 years now, blissfully happy, successful in every way. Every so often the pain from my dad leaks through, but other than those times (which are never discussed later) he's peachy keen.
We're doing a heck of a lot better than our half-brothers are, let me tell you!
And my husband comes from a marriage that was never dissolved, but should have been. He and his sibs BEGGED his mom to leave their dad for years and years, but she never did. In many ways, he's a lot more messed up than I ever was, and it continues. It's insidious, the things that get messed up when a marriage should either be made better (but isn't) OR be dissolved (but isn't)...
Well, he sees them more than once a week. one still at home works for him 3 days a week and she will go to apartment (even though h'd rather not come over. Again,
)
He sees the youngest one several times a week for a few minutes at a time.He takes her to a lesson sometimes but he grumbles (to her) that he does not want to be doing this.
This man has not just walked away. My sister still works *for him* at their business, he still comes to me for haircuts (you do not know how tempting this is each month), he pays her money for the kids care/house, he hasn't just walked out. It just befuddles me.
Honestly they see him a whole lot more often than I saw my dad! The grumbling about lessons could mean all sorts of things. This is coming from the child, I take it? It's entirely possible the child is misunderstanding it. Someone should tell him to either explain it or stop saying it. But yeah, he's far more "around" than my dad was. So while they aren't spending the same amount of time with him as they were when they lived under the same roof, honestly, he's hardly abandoning them, IMO.
Especially since the day he left he said our son was great, but he ruined our marriage. I mean, who says that?!?!!??
Dang, that's cold. What a....gah. Babies are so hard, they strain the limits of humanity in the early months...but you just put on your grownup panties and get ON with it, knowing that it's been the same since the first baby human was born and that everyone who has had kids has had the hard times of new babies.
I would have a serious problem sending my dude off with a person that could blame the little dude for the breakup of a marriage. Doesn't say much for him and his ability to deal with life, honestly.
My husband has a son he walked away from. The mother and him had a very bad realtionship. He claims she cheated on him and hit him. After the breakup, things got worse. He felt it was best for his son if all contact was stopped.
OK, well, why? What did he think was so bad about him visiting? Why did he think he was harming by having contact? Sounds like he would be a perfect person to answer the questions here, since he sounds like a good person who made a choice that's confusing.
I actually have a *female* friend who left her marriage and allowed her husband to have custody of their children. She was very honest and open that she was NOT ready for it all...they had been sweethearts since 8th grade, went to the same college together...she started noticing that there were greener pastures, broke up with him. Then a year later got back together, and on a visit to him, ruh roh, baby. She wanted to give the baby up for adoption, but his family insisted they marry (his dad was a politician locally). She was pushed into it, they did...few years later they chose to have another to bring them closer (UGH), it didn't work, she freaked out. She wanted her youth back, and felt that he was a better parent than she was, especially since he always wanted the kids (she LOVED their children, but hadn't *wanted* them at her young age). Then he lost his job, couldn't get another, and moved across the country, remarried...the kids still live out there (21 and 16, I believe), she visits, they visit, they have a great relationship, even though she wasn't custodial for them. Especially once they moved, she didn't spend anywhere near the time with them that she had spent (she was at home with them and desperately did NOT want to be), but I think they were always very talky and open and honest and the kids could speak their mind to her without punishment, etc...
So, you are right, they probably do not make things very comfortable for him.
. He lives 7 minutes from her and does not even see her due to his P's being messed up
. I hope they realize how much that affects the child
Puh-leeze. We were teenagers, we weren't stupid. But somehow he was able to rationalize it in his own mind so that he actually came out as the "good guy" for giving everything up. 
