Divorce Question

[newtodis]

Hey DISers! I have a friend asking me for advice and having never been in her situation myself, I don't know what to tell her. Below is a brief description of what's going on and what kind of help she's looking for. I appreciate any tips. I'm not looking for judgement or opinions on the situation - I honestly need some direction to help the situation. TIA!!

Friend - we'll call her Suzy - and other friend - we'll call him Sam - met about a year ago, started out as friends and turned into a more serious relationship. Sam got divorced from his wife earlier this year and Suzy is in the middle of her divorce. Suzy and Sam went to visit family together at Christmas this year (it's now public knowledge that they're dating; it wasn't until just a couple of weeks ago) and thought things were going well. Suzy got notification today that her husband has now retained his own attorney (they were previously using the same one) and is suing her for adultry and this divorce should be done in March. Previously the divorce was slated to be final in July of this year. Suzy can't get ahold of her attorney and was told by her husband that his attorney wants to sit down at the beginning of the week and get this done.

Here's what I need - what should she be taking to this meeting with her?? She's trying to get ahold of her attorney but so far they haven't responded to her voicemail or email. They own a house together and the husband's moved out into an apartment - has been since before the holidays, probably about summer time. Neither can refi or sell the house due to credit and the house loosing so much value. They also have a son together who's older but has some other issues as well. I just don't know what else to suggest she do or advice to give her. She's started looking for a house to rent in the next couple of months so we'll be helping her move when she's to that point. She's bringing stuff over to our garage sale next Saturday so she'll have a little bit of "extra" cash. Her concern is that the husband wants to let the house foreclose and she needs the money for the mortgage as a deposit for a new place to live. I don't know enough about mortgages to know how quickly that shows on her credit but did suggest she keep paying because if the landlord runs a credit check it wouldn't look good to not be making house payments.

What other advice should I be giving her???

Thanks DISers!!

 

[cheermom1]

Oh wow..I don;t know what to tell you except to talk to her lawyer ...did she cheat? Just asking b/c I know someone that did and proved it and he got the kids as a result ...not saying that it will happen to her but I seen it happen ..I would talk to my lawyer he/she is the one that will know those answers ..so sorry that she is going through this...

on another note if she started seeing this guy after he left then it doesn't count ..I know some that that happened to as well...

this is all from experiences from people I know personally...plus this happened in the state of AR...

 

[swanmom]

Maybe it is me being too simple-minded but this seems to be a no-brainer.... she should not go to any meeting without a lawyer....end of story. She does not have to go to a meeting just because her husband's lawyer wants to have one. Why doesn't she just decline to attend a meeting until she can schedule it properly with her attorney? There is no need to rush this without getting proper and informed legal advice. What am I missing here?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hey DISers! I have a friend asking me for advice and having never been in her situation myself, I don't know what to tell her. Below is a brief description of what's going on and what kind of help she's looking for. I appreciate any tips. I'm not looking for judgement or opinions on the situation - I honestly need some direction to help the situation. TIA!!

Friend - we'll call her Suzy - and other friend - we'll call him Sam - met about a year ago, started out as friends and turned into a more serious relationship. Sam got divorced from his wife earlier this year and Suzy is in the middle of her divorce. Suzy and Sam went to visit family together at Christmas this year (it's now public knowledge that they're dating; it wasn't until just a couple of weeks ago) and thought things were going well. Suzy got notification today that her husband has now retained his own attorney (they were previously using the same one) and is suing her for adultry and this divorce should be done in March. Previously the divorce was slated to be final in July of this year. Suzy can't get ahold of her attorney and was told by her husband that his attorney wants to sit down at the beginning of the week and get this done.

Here's what I need - what should she be taking to this meeting with her?? She's trying to get ahold of her attorney but so far they haven't responded to her voicemail or email. They own a house together and the husband's moved out into an apartment - has been since before the holidays, probably about summer time. Neither can refi or sell the house due to credit and the house loosing so much value. They also have a son together who's older but has some other issues as well. I just don't know what else to suggest she do or advice to give her. She's started looking for a house to rent in the next couple of months so we'll be helping her move when she's to that point. She's bringing stuff over to our garage sale next Saturday so she'll have a little bit of "extra" cash. Her concern is that the husband wants to let the house foreclose and she needs the money for the mortgage as a deposit for a new place to live. I don't know enough about mortgages to know how quickly that shows on her credit but did suggest she keep paying because if the landlord runs a credit check it wouldn't look good to not be making house payments.

What other advice should I be giving her???

Thanks DISers!!

Sounds like she is setting herself up for failure?

I don't know anything about divorce, lawyers, etc but if she knows the house won't sell she better prepare for a foreclosure.

Furthermore I would not meet with her dh's attorney without my own attorney. I would tell dh that until my attorney can be present I would not meet with them. I don't know if you can do that but I would.

I am sure other DISers can give you better advice. The situation sounds complicated.

 

[momof1princess]

well, this depends on whether or not she lives in a no-fault divorce state. i'm assuming she doesn't, since her DH was allowed to sue for divorce on grounds of adultery. honestly, she needs to speak to her attorney ASAP. if she can't get him/her on the phone, she needs to go to the office and let it be known her calls and e-mails have not been returned, so she can get in there for an appointment immediately. she should NOT meet with her DH and his attorney without her own attorney-DH's attorney is there for HIM, not her, and does not care whether she gets screwed, regardless of what her DH says.

 

[newtodis]

Thanks for all the quick answers!! I'm just trying to help answer some of her "what ifs". She's been Googling this morning and is worried she'll go to jail and all kinds of things. I'm just trying to tide her over until she can speak with her attorney. She won't go to the meeting without her attorney. She's been to the attorney's office to and she wasn't there and, to my knowledge, hasn't responded to the emails/voicemails. I was just hoping to give her some kind of direction. Her motto's been to prepare for the "worst case" and figure the rest out. Yes she was cheating as she's "dating" Sam and she's not legally divorced yet.

 

[tasha99]

Wow. Am I the only person who finds the idea of adultery being a legal matter shocking? To me it seems like a private, personal, and ethical matter. To say it would have any bearing on a divorce or custody case seems incredibly backward.

 

[mickeyboat]

In some states (I believe SC is one) asking for divorce on fault grounds, which includes adultery, will speed up the process. Otherwise couples must be separated for a year.

Also, alimony will not be awarded in SC to a spouse who has committed adultery before there is a written settlement or support order.

Your friend really needs to talk to her lawyer, though to get the scoop on the specifics of her case in her jurisdiction.

 

[trip]

Thanks for all the quick answers!! I'm just trying to help answer some of her "what ifs". She's been Googling this morning and is worried she'll go to jail and all kinds of things. I'm just trying to tide her over until she can speak with her attorney. She won't go to the meeting without her attorney. She's been to the attorney's office to and she wasn't there and, to my knowledge, hasn't responded to the emails/voicemails. I was just hoping to give her some kind of direction. Her motto's been to prepare for the "worst case" and figure the rest out. Yes she was cheating as she's "dating" Sam and she's not legally divorced yet.

Why does she think she could be sent to jail?

 

[kaytieeldr]

own a house together and the husband's moved out into an apartment - has been since before the holidays, probably about summer time. Neither can refi or sell the house due to credit and the house loosing so much value.

Her concern is that the husband wants to let the house foreclose

Call me naive, but wouldn't it make more sense to sell the house, even at a loss, than to lose the house completely????

 

[Sanchez]

In some states (I believe SC is one) asking for divorce on fault grounds, which includes adultery, will speed up the process. Otherwise couples must be separated for a year.

Also, alimony will not be awarded in SC to a spouse who has committed adultery before there is a written settlement or support order.

Your friend really needs to talk to her lawyer, though to get the scoop on the specifics of her case in her jurisdiction.

This is correct in South Carolina. It is a violation of state statute to have an extramarital relationship and any such relationship can have serious consequences on alimony and custody issues. If the friend is living with this guy she has an uphill battle. Surely she was advised against this by an attorney (if she sought any legal advice.)

Not sure why the immediate need to meet but likely they want to work out an temporary agreement. Likely that the initial grounds were living separate and apart for one year and husband has now added adultery.

She will need to have her own lawyer. Have no idea why lawyer will not return calls but if she has not paid a lawyer then calls are likely not to be returned.

The house situation can be worked out in a temporary agreement.

There is so much we do not know so it is fruitless to speculate. The only thing you can do is to have her retain an attorney and stop the relationship with this other man immediately.

 

[newtodis]

Why does she think she could be sent to jail?

She got it from Google because in some states, according to Google, you can. Now I know you can't believe everything you read - especially on the internet, but it's out there.

Call me naive, but wouldn't it make more sense to sell the house, even at a loss, than to lose the house completely????

They can't sell the house right now. I'm not sure of all the details. She's already making plans to move out and he's already in another apartment. Neither can afford it on their own. We have so many homes for sale here right now that it'd probably be on the market for quite some time. The three houses down her street have been for sale for a very long time.

 

[Sanchez]

Call me naive, but wouldn't it make more sense to sell the house, even at a loss, than to lose the house completely????

They can try, but many people simply choose to stop making payments while the home is up for sale. Perhaps they can negotiate a short sale at some point but there is no guarantee that they will get a contract or that the lender will approve a contract.

 

[newtodis]

This is correct in South Carolina. It is a violation of state statute to have an extramarital relationship and any such relationship can have serious consequences on alimony and custody issues. If the friend is living with this guy she has an uphill battle. Surely she was advised against this by an attorney (if she sought any legal advice.)

Not sure why the immediate need to meet but likely they want to work out an temporary agreement. Likely that the initial grounds were living separate and apart for one year and husband has now added adultery.

She will need to have her own lawyer. Have no idea why lawyer will not return calls but if she has not paid a lawyer then calls are likely not to be returned.

The house situation can be worked out in a temporary agreement.

There is so much we do not know so it is fruitless to speculate. The only thing you can do is to have her retain an attorney and stop the relationship with this other man immediately.

They are not living together. Her attorney advised her to ask her husband last week to sue her for this and Suzy decided against it trying to keep her son's best interests at heart.

I'm not sure why they want to meet right away either...They currently had an agreement and were in their one year waiting period with only about six months left to wait.

Attorney has been paid and has been like this all along. Suzy doesn't see this as a problem for some reason.

I don't foresee Suzy and Sam stopping this relationship any time soon. He was her superior at work and she transferred to another office so no one would loose their job with their employer. Sam is the "love of her life" and they're already planning their wedding so there's no stopping at this point for them.

Thanks again for the help everyone! I do appreciate it!

 

[Sanchez]

I don't foresee Suzy and Sam stopping this relationship any time soon. He was her superior at work and she transferred to another office so no one would loose their job with their employer. Sam is the "love of her life" and they're already planning their wedding so there's no stopping at this point for them.

This is a big problem and hopefully she will change her mind for her child's well being as well as her own. Sadly, these euphoric relationships during and immediately following divorce cause significant long term damage.

 

[FireDancer]

Suzy and Sam went to visit family together at Christmas this year (it's now public knowledge that they're dating; it wasn't until just a couple of weeks ago) and thought things were going well.

This is the sentence that might have caused the husband to sue for divorce based on adultery. If the marriage isn't legally over (even if it is emotionally over) and she is dating a new person it could be seen as adultery. I would not start a new relationship until the first one is legally over, not just over in your mind.

I'd have her consult an attorney as not only do laws very by state but there may be legal precedent that is more relevant then the letter of the law. For example, perhaps in her state the presence of a legal separation negates the argument of adultery either via statute or historical president. I have no idea but an attorney would.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

If the 2 were living apart and the soon to be ex was fine with things the way they were progressing as far as when the divorce would be final, I almost wonder if that the soon to be ex has now met someone and wants the divorce to be over sooner rather than later due to his own social life Maybe she will not date a married man, maybe she is pushing for it to be over ASAP so they can make their relationship "open" and not appear to be an "affair." I wouldn't jump so quickly to his motives being 100% pure.

Good luck to your friend...

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

From what you've stated it sounds like her husband & attorney are trying to railroad her into a settlement, because he is now accusing her of adultery, and can get a divorce sooner.

It also smells fishy that her attorney, that she previously shared with her husband, is avoiding her calls and emails. This might be a passive way to get her to find a different attorney.

Your friend should call and get an appointment with another attorney, and go from there.

She will probably have to fill out an interrogatory form stating when and where she had sex with this other man.
(This happened to my friend in Maryland)

 

[horseshowmom]

Wow. Am I the only person who finds the idea of adultery being a legal matter shocking? To me it seems like a private, personal, and ethical matter. To say it would have any bearing on a divorce or custody case seems incredibly backward.

Fortunately, I haven't dealt with this in my own life, but I have close relationships with others who have. I may be backward, but when a spouse chooses to inflict pain and injury on his/her family through infidelity, then I do think it should bear on the end result of the divorce and possible child custody.

That said, since the relationship began a year ago, it sounds like there may have been an affair. If so, that may have contributed to the divorce from the husband's viewpoint and that may have something to do with the change. Also, he may just want it over with sooner, and he may come out better financially if he proves there was a third person involved in their marriage.

 

[FireDancer]

Wow. Am I the only person who finds the idea of adultery being a legal matter shocking? To me it seems like a private, personal, and ethical matter. To say it would have any bearing on a divorce or custody case seems incredibly backward.

Well, there is criminal and civil. It is not a criminal legal matter as far as I know. You can not be jailed, fined, or executed for committing the act. A divorce is a civil court matter and all things that are tortious are not criminal. For example, I can sue you for anything, even if it is ultimately dismissed. The police, however, can not just arrest you for anything.