Divorce- How do you get through it?

[sunnyday123]

Preetty much what all the other posters said. When I finally got divorced, I was happy, and I did feel guilty because my daughter missed her Father. Take a step back and look at how things really are, and you'll probably find your mourning what could have been, not what it truly was. Sounds like he's coming and playing house when the mood strikes him-that can be dangerous because it gives everyone false hope. Don't let him play with your or your childs emotions anymore. Take a deep breath and move on. You don't have a choice on how you can get over it, you have to because there are children involved, and no one is worth not moving on for.

Start making plans for you now, get copies of all account statements, who's going to make what payments, etc. Tell you kids together if at all possible, and that Mommy and Daddy love them both very much, you will always be their parents, but Daddy has to live somewhere else. Put it in language they understand, and NEVER tell them more than the bare minimum.

Honestly, it sounds like he has someone on the side. Protect yourself, don't let him play on your emotions and let him handle everything because it's easier and you just want it done. Take control of things, don't let him decide your not going to be happy. Hang in there, it does get better and I swear in time, you will look back and see how miserable you really were, and how happy you are now.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am sorry you are going through this.

~See an attorney and get an idea of what you need to do.
~Get your finances in order.
Make copies of past income tax returns.
Make copies of your most recent bank statements with dates on them so you'll know that as of "X" date you had this much $$$.
Get a handle on retirement accounts.
Get a handle on what your monthly bills are in your current home so you'll have an idea whether or not you'll be able to stay there.
Open a checking account in your name only.
Open a credit card account in your name only.
Make sure that both of the above accounts know that your husband is NOT to have any access to them.
~Get to a counselor for you & the kids.
~Tell the kids.
~Once you tell the kids, you need to make some ground rules with regard to your husband's visits and behavior toward you. As a PP said, him being around with things sometime seeming like they used to be will send a mixed message to the kids. So you both need to decide how you're going to handle that. Will he move out and have visitation? Will you guys "split" time at the house...ie-he's there with the kids for X amount of time and you are elsewhere. This is becoming more common...instead of shuttling the kids around, the parents shuttle around. I'm not sayoing shut him out fof the chilren's lives...not at all. But he can't come back for a week and "pretend" you guys are married and then leave for a few days. The children will need a new routine and the sooner they get it, the better off they will be. Uncertainty is the worst things for kids.
~Remember that your children are watching you and learning how a strong woman handles things, so teach them well. You want them to see that a woman doesn't fall apart during adversity. You want them to see that a strong woman copes.

Good luck.....

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce is difficult but the end of a marriage when mental health issues are also involved is doubly hard. I was in your shoes not too long ago. My ex husband suffers from chronic depression, among other things. Unfortunately, the cylce of coming around and then pulling back is all too familiar to me. With this kind of mental health issue it becomes a treadmill of pain. Though it may not seem that way right now, in the long run ending the marriage will be healthier for you and your children.
I know that pain is intense right now. Cry, plan, talk to a counselor and give yourself time. Focus on the good in your life. Your children, your talents, abilities and strengths. You may not feel it today but you are much stronger than you can imagine. You have lived with a spouse with mental health issues. That in itself is an amazing feat of strength.
Give yourself time. Love and nurture your kids. Take one moment at a time. Pretty soon you will then be able to take 5 minutes at a time. Then an hour at a time and then a day at a time. The pain will lessen and there will be things that you find happiness, joy and satisfaction in.

Good Luck to you. I have been where you are. I made it. I am doing well now, 2 years later. You can do it too!

 

[paintnolish]

I was separated when my kids were 5 and 6. They took it really well. Kids aren't stupid.They can tell when something is wrong. When I told them, I didn't sugar coat it or give a lenghty explanation. I am not saying it was easy, but kids are resilient. We all got through it. I am happily remarried and the kids love thier step-dad. Feel free to PM me with any questions.

 

[IsZisIt]

Im not divorced but my sister is. We've had this conversation. She too had 2 small kids. She used to say that you get through it because you have to. The other option isn't an option. You get through it because somehow you tell yourself , whether you believe it or not, that what it happening doesn't define you, because what is happening, is just that, an event, and does not , in a way, take away from the person you are.

You get by with the support of those that love you and sometimes with the support of complete strangers. One day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. And you look at the faces of those innocent children who love you and depend on you and get strength from them. Its tough, sometimes you don't want to get out of bed, but you do it, you go through it and eventually, it starts to get better. Her mantra was always, Im not the first person going through a divorce, I won't be the last. It sucks.

Im so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you and I wish you the best while you go through this.

Thank you for this. I sometimes feel like a failure to the people in my life (work, friends, family) A lot of people from my job were at my wedding and really think we are the perfect couple. We do a lot of fund raising for childhood cancer (DD is a survivor) Our family and friends have been through a lot with us and I feel like I am letting everyone down. Like I
failed That is why I feel like I cant lean on them. I feel like they will be disappointed that this "perfect" family they all believed in is all a lie (and it is) I think that is why I came to DIS boards to express my sadness to strangers. I just dread telling the real people in my life. KWIM?

So thank you to all you "strangers." You are helping me.

 

[jobhunter]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

That remark about loving you but not enough...big red flag for an extramarital affair. What is he comparing his love for you to?

If it were me, I would check the cell phone records and keep my eyes open. I could not accept a divorce sprung on me like this without knowing why. I know sometimes in life we never know 'why' but I also know this is hard to accept.

I may be competely wrong but this is just a gut feeling I have. I feel like if you could understand this situation more fully it would help to give you closure. I hope I am wrong.

Take care of you and your kids. It's all you can do right now. DIsney DOll gave great advice.

 

[IsZisIt]

I am sorry you are going through this.

~See an attorney and get an idea of what you need to do.
~Get your finances in order.
Make copies of past income tax returns.
Make copies of your most recent bank statements with dates on them so you'll know that as of "X" date you had this much $$$.
Get a handle on retirement accounts.
Get a handle on what your monthly bills are in your current home so you'll have an idea whether or not you'll be able to stay there.
Open a checking account in your name only.
Open a credit card account in your name only.
Make sure that both of the above accounts know that your husband is NOT to have any access to them.
~Get to a counselor for you & the kids.
~Tell the kids.
~Once you tell the kids, you need to make some ground rules with regard to your husband's visits and behavior toward you. As a PP said, him being around with things sometime seeming like they used to be will send a mixed message to the kids. So you both need to decide how you're going to handle that. Will he move out and have visitation? Will you guys "split" time at the house...ie-he's there with the kids for X amount of time and you are elsewhere. This is becoming more common...instead of shuttling the kids around, the parents shuttle around. I'm not sayoing shut him out fof the chilren's lives...not at all. But he can't come back for a week and "pretend" you guys are married and then leave for a few days. The children will need a new routine and the sooner they get it, the better off they will be. Uncertainty is the worst things for kids.
~Remember that your children are watching you and learning how a strong woman handles things, so teach them well. You want them to see that a woman doesn't fall apart during adversity. You want them to see that a strong woman copes.

Good luck.....

This all seems like too much to handle at this point. I feel so sad about having to do all this.

I feel so overwhelmed.

Maybe I will try to do one thing on this list each day.

 

[kerrynic78]

double post

 

[Disney Doll]

This all seems like too much to handle at this point. I feel so sad about having to do all this.

I feel so overwhelmed.

Maybe I will try to do one thing on this list each day.

Well, one thing at a time is fine. Just do the financial stuff first...you have ourself and your children to protect.

As a PP said, if there is more of a "why" behind his behavior than you know of right now, protecting yourself & your children financially is paramount.

Oh, BTW, don't store those financial copies anywhere that he might find them. Take them to your mother, your sister, a trusted friend or get a safety deposit box that only YOU have access to.

 

[tomthebarncat]

I am sorry you are going through this.

~See an attorney and get an idea of what you need to do.
~Get your finances in order.
Make copies of past income tax returns.
Make copies of your most recent bank statements with dates on them so you'll know that as of "X" date you had this much $$$.
Get a handle on retirement accounts.
Get a handle on what your monthly bills are in your current home so you'll have an idea whether or not you'll be able to stay there.
Open a checking account in your name only.
Open a credit card account in your name only.
Make sure that both of the above accounts know that your husband is NOT to have any access to them.
~Get to a counselor for you & the kids.
~Tell the kids.
~Once you tell the kids, you need to make some ground rules with regard to your husband's visits and behavior toward you. As a PP said, him being around with things sometime seeming like they used to be will send a mixed message to the kids. So you both need to decide how you're going to handle that. Will he move out and have visitation? Will you guys "split" time at the house...ie-he's there with the kids for X amount of time and you are elsewhere. This is becoming more common...instead of shuttling the kids around, the parents shuttle around. I'm not sayoing shut him out fof the chilren's lives...not at all. But he can't come back for a week and "pretend" you guys are married and then leave for a few days. The children will need a new routine and the sooner they get it, the better off they will be. Uncertainty is the worst things for kids.
~Remember that your children are watching you and learning how a strong woman handles things, so teach them well. You want them to see that a woman doesn't fall apart during adversity. You want them to see that a strong woman copes.

Good luck.....

these are some good suggestions, hopefully, your spouse did not take all the financial records with him, like mine did. He also took the safe, all documents in the desk, the toothpaste and the digital camera. What a loser!! I have absolutely no idea where he put his stuff before he left nor where his BMW is parked! Take this as a warning, do not let this happen to you. On top of all of this I am in a foreign country!

 

[alldiz]

Thank you for this. I sometimes feel like a failure to the people in my life (work, friends, family) A lot of people from my job were at my wedding and really think we are the perfect couple. We do a lot of fund raising for childhood cancer (DD is a survivor) Our family and friends have been through a lot with us and I feel like I am letting everyone down. Like I
failed That is why I feel like I cant lean on them. I feel like they will be disappointed that this "perfect" family they all believed in is all a lie (and it is) I think that is why I came to DIS boards to express my sadness to strangers. I just dread telling the real people in my life. KWIM?

So thank you to all you "strangers." You are helping me.

Believe me....all those people will be shocked that HE is choosing to do this. He is the one who "they" will think failed. He is leaving and they will NOT blame you
My husband moved out in Sept. I have a DD7....He Was Mr. MOM....he is retired..Everyone in the neighborhood knew him more than me because i worked. I felt the same as you.....in fact worse....I thought everyone would think it was my fault...cause everyone thought he was this "perfect" guy....always willing to help anyone out. I was wrong....they gave me much support and can't believe what he did

Well......now unfortunately my DD had her 1st disappointment. Of course DH gave his girlfriend and her kids Valentines.....

Do you think this idiot came by this morning with a Valentine for our DD....NO....He came by empty handed....while my DD gave him a chocolate heart....I know her heart is breaking...as is mine for her.

OP....you will get through this.....You will find the strength that you never knew you had for your kids. They and others will give you strength.....It is Ok...for the kids to see you cry.....you will all get throught it togethe.
Confide in your friends....you will be surprised how much strength that they will giveyou.
Good luck
Kerri

 

[fiveforall]

When my ex and I divorced, our kids were 5, 2, and four months. Needless to say, the first year was tough. I leaned on my parents so much, but someone gave me some really great advice---I had to take care of myself so I could be a good mom to my kids. I went to weekly therapy so I could vent to someone, I began an exercise program to get healthy, and I made a list of short and long term goals. You will get through this! Lean on your loved ones and don't ignore yourself. And whatever you do, don't discuss your ex in a negative way in front of your kids. It will be so tempting, but don't put grownup problems on them. Good luck and hugs to you. I know this is hard.

 

[Bluestars]

I am sorry you are going through this. Divorce hurts everyone. When I was going through my divorce, it was one of the most depressing times of my life. I would go into work with this heavy pain that seemed so overwhelming. I felt like a failure because I couldn't make my marriage work. But it takes two people who are both working at it to make a marriage work.

I will say that the pain will not last forever. It does get better. It happens slowly. But one day you will wake up and not feel it. You will move on and will be able to focus on creating a wonderful life for yourself and your children.

I didn't know it at the time, but getting a divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I later met a wonderful man and have now been married to him for over 15 years. If my divorce hadn't happened, I would have continued to live in a miserable marriage.

I know it's hard, but you can get through this. People won't think you are a failure. The people who love you will support you and be there for you. Sometimes things happen and there is nothing we can do about it except accept them and move on. But it doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be painful. You can and will be happy again. It is just going to take some time.

 

[Disney Doll]

Oh, BTW, OP...you didn't fail at anything.

Your husband has failed at quite a bit...keeping his marriage vows, making his family of primary importance, putting his children's needs ahead of his own, completing the "job" for which he signed up, not getting the proper mental health acre he needs in roder to do all of the above.

 

[focusondisney]

Thank you for this. I sometimes feel like a failure to the people in my life (work, friends, family) A lot of people from my job were at my wedding and really think we are the perfect couple. We do a lot of fund raising for childhood cancer (DD is a survivor) Our family and friends have been through a lot with us and I feel like I am letting everyone down. Like I
failed That is why I feel like I cant lean on them. I feel like they will be disappointed that this "perfect" family they all believed in is all a lie (and it is) I think that is why I came to DIS boards to express my sadness to strangers. I just dread telling the real people in my life. KWIM?

So thank you to all you "strangers." You are helping me.

No!!! You are not a failure! You did not ask for this. There is no "perfect" family. Please give your family & friends a chance to be there for you. I'm sure you will be surprized. The people who really love you will understand.

I'm not divorced. My DH & i have been married a LOOONG time & are best friends. I've had people say " oh, you have a perfect marriage". I always correct people who say this. There is NO such thing. There is no "perfect family". Everyone has struggles & trying times.. some make it thru & some don't. If you tried ( and it certainly sounds like you did!) & didn't make it, it is not your fault. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You don't owe your friends/ family an image of perfection. You only owe your dd's & your self the best life you can have. And unfortunately, that now will not include you husband.

Stay calm. Take one day at a time. Let your family & friends help you thru it. prayers to you.....

 

[ToddyLu]

DH and I have been married 15 years and I am the second wife, we do not have children and he did not have children with her either. I agree with every one 's posts and want to send you a hug. Why don't you let him explain it to them first..it is his decision.

Make sure you get a PO Box for mail and new locks on the house right away.

And to the poster whose husband left the country. Does the BMW have a GPS locator?? I would be on that like white on rice.

Women make sure your girls (and boys) get a good education...it is the first line of defense. My parents have been together 44 years and this is what they provided me for protection from unforseen events.

Care care and God Bless!

 

[sunnyday123]

Thank you for this. I sometimes feel like a failure to the people in my life (work, friends, family) A lot of people from my job were at my wedding and really think we are the perfect couple. We do a lot of fund raising for childhood cancer (DD is a survivor) Our family and friends have been through a lot with us and I feel like I am letting everyone down. Like I
failed That is why I feel like I cant lean on them. I feel like they will be disappointed that this "perfect" family they all believed in is all a lie (and it is) I think that is why I came to DIS boards to express my sadness to strangers. I just dread telling the real people in my life. KWIM?

So thank you to all you "strangers." You are helping me.

Trust me, they probably knew. And if they don't support you, tell them to take a long walk on a short pier. You aren't letting anyone down, you are doing the best thing for your children and yourself, and sometimes thats hard but thats what you have to do.

Someone just posted an awesome list. Print it out, and everyday do one or two things. It will help you stay focused.

 

[lisaviolet]

OP - I'm very very sorry. You must so incredibly shocked. to you. I also see clearly that you're courageous - you wrote he feels different yet you're strong enough and clear enough to hold that you love your husband fully and he simply can't touch that. Sighing. Just

OP - watch the depression. Yes, it could be the reason why he is off. I understand fully. And I have compassion for his struggle. I have had depression as well. I remember clearly how it impacts everything. Steals from everything. Unfortunately, it pisses me off that it is used as an excuse at times for other issues. For example my depression wanted my loved one to be right by side in my times of great pain. Every part of me. But I used all my might to not trap my partner in my illness at the time. Mental illness is so difficult but it doesn't mean you don't have responsibilities.

I have a few thoughts on marriage and divorce in general.

First I think people look to divorce so much of the tme because there is something wrong in THEIR life - in THEIR head. So frustrating for me to see. And instead of searching out what that is and changing it - working on it - they put it on their spouses/families. They falsely think that is about another person when it's actually inside them. Easier than actually taking responsibility for what's wrong with "me".

However, I recently read a book that was written in the 1930s called the Art of Selfishness (it is not about the art of sociopathic or only I matter thought processes). And two things stood out. One he stated that the looking down at divorce can be absolutely unfounded. We would never expect business partners to stick it out year after year - after they've tried to get along or be positive or successful in their partnership. Yet that is how marriage is set up. And by the way he did believe that no one should get out of a marriage (excluding abuse) without at least a year of working on it. But when it isn't working - it simply isn't working. And denying that is not healthy either.

But the next really stood out. That if someone really truly in their heart wants to leave THEY SHOULD. Why? Because you are essentially trapping the other person of their full life that they should have. Because the other deserves to be free from the lack of commitment, caring , love or maybe simply your ongoing unhappiness.

I think we all deserve to be loved like we are the greatest thing. So maybe one is not REALLY the greatest thing. It doesn't mean one is not highly annoying or selfish sometimes. But your loved one should think that - it kind of softens the stress, the fights, the individual hard times. And anything less than that is not good enough IMO.

OP - sorry I rambled but to you.

 

[IsZisIt]

No!!! You are not a failure! You did not ask for this. There is no "perfect" family. Please give your family & friends a chance to be there for you. I'm sure you will be surprized. The people who really love you will understand.

I'm not divorced. My DH & i have been married a LOOONG time & are best friends. I've had people say " oh, you have a perfect marriage". I always correct people who say this. There is NO such thing. There is no "perfect family". Everyone has struggles & trying times.. some make it thru & some don't. If you tried ( and it certainly sounds like you did!) & didn't make it, it is not your fault. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You don't owe your friends/ family an image of perfection. You only owe your dd's & your self the best life you can have. And unfortunately, that now will not include you husband.




Stay calm. Take one day at a time. Let your family & friends help you thru it. prayers to you.....

That is the strangest part,because my H tells me " I love you like a best friend and family member" and " I can't imagine not doing things with you" "But, I feel like I don't love you like I should, because there is no real passion anymore."

Isn't that what happens after years and years of marriage and children?

Am I wrong to think that if you think your spouse is your "best friend." you should consider yourself lucky? I just don't get it.


Continued thanks to you all.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think it sounds like he's buying into all that "soulmate" crap and watching too many TV soap operas which is the only place the perfect marriage exists.