Divorce Help Please!!!!!

[TwingleMum]

I live in New York. My older sister just dropped a bomb on me. She is 60 and her DH is 62. They've been married for 35 yrs. Have 3 grown kids. Last night she found emails (I know , I know) that he is having an affair. She is devastated. He is retired collecting a 90K pension and working a political hook up job 3 days a week. She has worked as a nurse for 2 days a week their whole marriage. She isn't on his bank account never has been. He controls all the money except what little she earns at her job. She is expected to pay for birthdays, holidays , sweet 16's etc out of this money. He got a large 300k check when he retired. She doesn't know where this money went. She wants to confront him but I'm afraid that she'll have no $$ or ability to find out about it. Can anyone give me a little advise. Yes I know this is a BB and she needs a lawyer but I'm trying to give her good advise ASAP. I've begged her not to say something today and I plan on taking her to the movies so she won't be near him tonight. I'd appreciate any imput you can give. It sucks she has been with this guy since she is 15 yrs old and she feels like the floor has been ripped from underneath her. She is really scared all she keeps saying is she has no $$ and she'll be out in the street. She doesn't have health insurance except through him.They have a nice house in New York and a condo in Florida. Thanks so much.

 

[Bren's Mom]

First, I'd get a copy of any and all bank statements, brokerage statements, insurance policies and everything and anything financial related before I said anything. If I had access to ANY account, I'd drain it and give the cash to someone I trusted (like my sister). NOT to 'steal' it from my spouse, but to protect myself. I would disclose this money to my attorney. I would remove any jewelry gifted to me from the house. I would remove any precious antiques that were my family's from the house if possible. I'd make sure everything was in safekeeping AND I would retain an attorney before speaking to him.

(ETA: And copies of all tax returns and the deeds to both houses, I hope HER name is on them!!!)

I would only give her this advice IF she is sure she wants a divorce. If she thinks she might want to give him a chance, then that's a different story and I'd encourage her to see a therapist first.

 

[Micca]

Sorry to hear this, but she found emails last night, and today she's ready to divvy up property? Any chance for an explanation or reconcilaition? Those emails must have been awfully incriminating to flush a 35 year marriage.
Good luck to your sister.

 

[Tuffcookie]

She needs to consult with an attorney ASAP!

TC

 

[Disney Doll]

First, I'd get a copy of any and all bank statements, brokerage statements, insurance policies and everything and anything financial related before I said anything. If I had access to ANY account, I'd drain it and give the cash to someone I trusted (like my sister). NOT to 'steal' it from my spouse, but to protect myself. I would disclose this money to my attorney. I would remove any jewelry gifted to me from the house. I would remove any precious antiques that were my family's from the house if possible. I'd make sure everything was in safekeeping AND I would retain an attorney before speaking to him.

(ETA: And copies of all tax returns and the deeds to both houses, I hope HER name is on them!!!)

I would only give her this advice IF she is sure she wants a divorce. If she thinks she might want to give him a chance, then that's a different story and I'd encourage her to see a therapist first.

I agree with this.

She needs to keep her mouth shut for awhile until she gets her financial ducks in a row, gets any good jewelry she has out of the house and gets any family heirlooms or items of sentimental value out of the house...hopefully nothing is so obvious that he would notice.

She needs to decide what she wants...a divorce or an attempt at a reconciliation, because it may affect how she will proceed.

She needs to contact an attorney ASAP and get the information she needs in order to make an informed decision. But first and foremost she needs to find out where they stand financially and what the consequences of her not being listed on any accounts might be...would she still be able to get half based on their long-term marriage even if she's not listed as one of the names on the account?

An attorney should be her first call.

I might also access a credit report on both SS #s to see what what's. Also, copies of income tax returns.

 

[FireDancer]

A lot will depend on the laws of the state they are legal residents of. In their case if it were me it would be FL instead of NY for tax reasons. In some states all assets are of the couple and in others they are not. I am not a lawyer so won't even guess on the legal issues. She really should consult a lawyer privately if she wants advice before deciding.

How sure is she about the affair. There are people who carry on fantasy relationships online and while I am not condoning it the affair might not actually happen in real life. If she has access to the emails and can store a copy maybe she can bring those to the attorney. There are privacy laws though depending on his profession so the emails might be unusable in a court of law. Again, that is a question for an attorney.

 

[sbell111]

She needs to talk to her husband.

 

[Iott Family]

dont forget to have her make copies of these incriminating emails, too!

 

[NY Disney fan]

Sorry to hear this, but she found emails last night, and today she's ready to divvy up property? Any chance for an explanation or reconcilaition? Those emails must have been awfully incriminating to flush a 35 year marriage.
Good luck to your sister.

First collect the documentation and see a lawyer. THEN work on the marriage. We don't know how long this affair has been going on or to what extent. (especially if money has been changing hands).

 

[hentob]

I live in New York. My older sister just dropped a bomb on me. She is 60 and her DH is 62. They've been married for 35 yrs. Have 3 grown kids. Last night she found emails (I know , I know) that he is having an affair. She is devastated. He is retired collecting a 90K pension and working a political hook up job 3 days a week. She has worked as a nurse for 2 days a week their whole marriage. She isn't on his bank account never has been. He controls all the money except what little she earns at her job. She is expected to pay for birthdays, holidays , sweet 16's etc out of this money. He got a large 300k check when he retired. She doesn't know where this money went. She wants to confront him but I'm afraid that she'll have no $$ or ability to find out about it. Can anyone give me a little advise. Yes I know this is a BB and she needs a lawyer but I'm trying to give her good advise ASAP. I've begged her not to say something today and I plan on taking her to the movies so she won't be near him tonight. I'd appreciate any imput you can give. It sucks she has been with this guy since she is 15 yrs old and she feels like the floor has been ripped from underneath her. She is really scared all she keeps saying is she has no $$ and she'll be out in the street. She doesn't have health insurance except through him.They have a nice house in New York and a condo in Florida. Thanks so much.

I think her problems with her DH run deeper than the emails. Holy cow! Married for 35 years and her husband controls money to the point where she doesn’t know where 300K went

Is she ok with this?

I hope she can get a great lawyer.

Good luck to her

 

[JoiseyMom]

She needs a GREAT attorney. For such a long term marriage she is entitled to at least 1/2 and at this point a life time of alimony. She needs a shark for an attorney..since he will go for one also!!

Seems like there are lots of control issues here too...

 

[mickeyboat]

Tell her to see an attorney right away. He can tell her what she is entitled to, and can give her recommendations as to how she needs to go about finding out what assets there are. For example, there are ways she can get a copy of her past tax returns from the IRS if she is not able to find them on her own.

Tell her not to tell her H what she is doing.

Finally, have her take a look at www.survivinginfidelity.com . There is lots of great advice and support there.

 

[momof1princess]

former legal secretary here. you've gotten some really great advice from the PPs. your sister needs copies of ALL financial records, bank statements, investments, etc. she also needs the best attorney money can buy-as a PP said a "SHARK". i'm not kidding, IF she gets divorced, she's gotta have someone who's going to fight tooth and nail for her. she needs to get all these records and secure an attorney before she says anything to her husband, and copies of the e-mails should be made as well. these things will be much harder, if not impossible, for her to secure once he knows she's on to him, and some assets may even disappear. he may be willing to work on the marriage, but she needs to take care of her interests, especially considering the length of the marriage, before she discusses anything with him.

 

[Kika]

former legal secretary here. you've gotten some really great advice from the PPs. your sister needs copies of ALL financial records, bank statements, investments, etc. she also needs the best attorney money can buy-as a PP said a "SHARK". i'm not kidding, IF she gets divorced, she's gotta have someone who's going to fight tooth and nail for her. she needs to get all these records and secure an attorney before she says anything to her husband, and copies of the e-mails should be made as well. these things will be much harder, if not impossible, for her to secure once he knows she's on to him, and some assets may even disappear. he may be willing to work on the marriage, but she needs to take care of her interests, especially considering the length of the marriage, before she discusses anything with him.

Excellent advice here!

 

[ols386]

She needs to talk to her husband.

That's the first thing I'd do. I wouldn't be sneaking around doing things behind the husband. I'd get all the crap (if indeed he is having an affair) out in the open right off the bat.

 

[ZPT1022]

That's the first thing I'd do. I wouldn't be sneaking around doing things behind the husband. I'd get all the crap (if indeed he is having an affair) out in the open right off the bat.

He's been sneaking around for goodness knows how long, and also hiding assets from her. I think he's got a head start on hiding things and she deserves a chance to level the playing field a bit.


To me at least, him keeping her in the dark financially all these years seems very suspicious- I'd wonder if this isn't the first affair or a very long term affair. What other reason would there be to hide all the money???

OP, good luck to your sister and good for you for being so supportive

 

[kathie859]

My very best friend divorced her husband of almost 30 years--no infidelity--he was just super controlling and mentally abusive to her. When she confided that she didn't have a clue about where there money was or how much they even had, I gave her the advice that several pp's did. Find and copy ALL and ANY financial records you can find. Trust me, anyone who is that hung up on money secrecy certainly isn't going to come clean and disclose all assets during the divorce. You can count on him to try and hide assets.

It was a long and dreadful ordeal for her. He was incredulous that she was able to prove pretty much all his holdings! She figures she missed a few things but was able to find the bulk.

OP...I am sorry that your sister has to deal with this. Good luck to her

 

[TwingleMum]

Thanks for the shoulder. Sorry I disappeared. I had to grab her and take her out to a movie and covince her to keep quite. I agree with what you've said. He is a controlling guy and intimidated her. We all thought it was nuts she wasn't on his bank account and she had no clue what their bills were or how to pay them. She is suddenly realizing how vunerable she is. I'm sure this isn't his first affair but my sister truly is clueless. She is very Pollyannish and is devastated by the affair and when I mentioned the possibility that this might not be the first affair I thought she was going to hurl. The Emails were sexually graphic and even mentioned that he took "her" to their Florida home which really schived my sister big time. What an ***. She spent their whole marriage taking care of the 3 kids, making sure dinner was on the table very night and helping the idiot climb the union ladder, He retired as a union VP. I finally convinced her that although it might be momentarily satisfying to shock the cr#( out of her hubby and confront him that it was her future on the line and we were talking about forever money and she needed to grow a backbone and play his game. Fortunately she is seeing reason. She is going to copy all the financial records she can get her hands on and we will consult with an attorney before she confronts him. Thanks for the shoulder. Its kind of hard to see your big sister cry and be frightened. And the jerk was like a brother he has been a part of my life since I'm 5. And I'm 43 now.

 

[dislaney]

First collect the documentation and see a lawyer. THEN work on the marriage. We don't know how long this affair has been going on or to what extent. (especially if money has been changing hands).

I totally agree! Protect yourself first then try working on the marriage if it's possible and you even want to.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Tough times ahead..................Best of luck to your sister OP!


Sometimes life can really stink, or should I really say, PEOPLE can really stink, sad!!