Divorce Dilemma

[JB2K]

Post #4 is proof enough that it's more than a "secret significant other" than can bust-up a marriage...

 

[burnurcomputer]

When I got divored I got the best lawyer that I *couldn't* afford. She cost more then I could pay outright, but let me pay as she filed different paperwork and in instalments. It is the single best investment in myself that I have ever made.

Divorce isn't about being fair. If you are the primary caregiver and you now are having to change your life plan because of this...hear me, be a pirate : Take what you can, give nothing back. Its not about the $, its about the security that it brings for your daughter in the future. Find every penny, search for 401K's, roths, anything that you can. If you have debt you can split your liability, depending on your state. If you do not have an education that will provide you with a livable income, you an ask your laywer to put in a stipulation for additional support for X amount of time above and beyond spouse/child support so you can get an education and have a higher earning potential for the future which will lessen his responsibily in the long run. It sounds butt-backwards, but by having him give a higher amount now you can earn more later and he will oew less over time. Its really a win-win situation. Its easier to get this in writing if you have a program or 2 in mind that is lessthen 2 1/2 years in lengh and can provide earing potential projections. You can normally get those from the school to have documentation.

My ex and I have a pretty good relationship, despite the messy divorce and the other situations that was part of it. Just remember that no matter how much you are a PITA to each other, that you are both responsible to co-parent in a respectfull manner that allows your child to be free from any verbal abuse or misalignment against the other parent. He is divorcing himself from *your relationship*, not your child life.

That being said....Go Capt. Jack on his bum.

 

[*Seanaci*]

OP, you have gotten some FABULOUS advice. Much what I would suggest (get a lawyer, MOVE (not spend) money to accounts in just your name, etc etc).

I hope things are going...as well as can be expected during this difficult time.

Lots of hugs to you and your daughter! Please please let us know you are doing ok!

 

[Fairy Mom]

Hello, I started this post because of how stressful this situation is for me. I do not take the commitment of marriage lightly. I am alone and far away from family. And I do not have any sort of support system.

Unfortunely, my husband has been planning this for quite a while. I just did not know it. He stopped caring and having any interest in family things. I was too stupid to notice because I trusted him completely.

Unfortunately, I haven't worked in twelve years. But I have used the time while raising my daughter to earn a bachelor's degree and I finished my master's two months ago. Now, I need a job. My education is for teaching, and I feel like it will be months before I can hopefully get a teaching job.

Meanwhile, I am stressed because there is no money. Not enough to pay the bills and not enough to start a divorce. My husband continues to insist that we divorce asap.

Since he mentioned the divorce, things around the house have been breaking (water and septic lines $1800). I called to have the roof fixed. My car radio has been broken since early December, and this week the air conditioning broke. It's raining and pouring. I am trying to hold it together...

Thanks so much to those who offer a few kind words who have been in similar shoes. I feel like I have some sort of plague.

 

[js]

Hello, I started this post because of how stressful this situation is for me. I do not take the commitment of marriage lightly. I am alone and far away from family. And I do not have any sort of support system.

Unfortunely, my husband has been planning this for quite a while. I just did not know it. He stopped caring and having any interest in family things. I was too stupid to notice because I trusted him completely.

Unfortunately, I haven't worked in twelve years. But I have used the time while raising my daughter to earn a bachelor's degree and I finished my master's two months ago. Now, I need a job. My education is for teaching, and I feel like it will be months before I can hopefully get a teaching job.

Meanwhile, I am stressed because there is no money. Not enough to pay the bills and not enough to start a divorce. My husband continues to insist that we divorce asap.

Since he mentioned the divorce, things around the house have been breaking (water and septic lines $1800). I called to have the roof fixed. My car radio has been broken since early December, and this week the air conditioning broke. It's raining and pouring. I am trying to hold it together...

Thanks so much to those who offer a few kind words who have been in similar shoes. I feel like I have some sort of plague.

I have been folloiwng this thread and just want to say, stay strong and WONDERFUL for you that you used this time for a BA and Masters. WOW!

I am not an expert and have never been divorced but are you under your dh's health insurance? If you divorce, will you no longer have his insurance?

Have you found out what the BIG rush is. Even if gf, why the big quick push?

Can you sell your house, split money with dh, and move into a condo/coop with your dd, so you wouldn't have to worry about house maintenance? For me, that would be a BIG headache. While it wouldn't be the best situation for my kids, it would, in the long run, make life much more predictable knowing what needs to be paid each month without surprise expenses.

Be strong and I wish you well.

 

[RachelsMommie]

OP, are you two involved in a church? Is there any way your husband would agree to counseling?

 

[JoiseyMom]

Hello, I started this post because of how stressful this situation is for me. I do not take the commitment of marriage lightly. I am alone and far away from family. And I do not have any sort of support system.

Unfortunely, my husband has been planning this for quite a while. I just did not know it. He stopped caring and having any interest in family things. I was too stupid to notice because I trusted him completely.

Unfortunately, I haven't worked in twelve years. But I have used the time while raising my daughter to earn a bachelor's degree and I finished my master's two months ago. Now, I need a job. My education is for teaching, and I feel like it will be months before I can hopefully get a teaching job.

Meanwhile, I am stressed because there is no money. Not enough to pay the bills and not enough to start a divorce. My husband continues to insist that we divorce asap.

Since he mentioned the divorce, things around the house have been breaking (water and septic lines $1800). I called to have the roof fixed. My car radio has been broken since early December, and this week the air conditioning broke. It's raining and pouring. I am trying to hold it together...

Thanks so much to those who offer a few kind words who have been in similar shoes. I feel like I have some sort of plague.

Insist on a stipulation that you can move out of state with your children for a job or moving back to family for support. Make sure you aren't tied down to where he is living!!

 

[juliebean]

So sorry you are going through this Fairymom.

Two things I wanted to add, my husband and I went through a period in our marriage where he wanted to split up. It hit me out of left field. However, after a couple of months of pleading to not break our family up and giving up trying to convince him to try marriage counseling - he came to his senses. Not sure what caused the change of heart, but it came after I decided to agree with the divorce and move on. Once he realized I could move on without him and was going to move 400 miles away - things changed. It wasn't a ploy on my part, I couldn't do it anymore emotionally and needed to move closer to my family so they could help me care for our son. That being said, I don't have the same overwhelming love for him, but I do love him, know his flaws(I have a few too), and we've had 10 years more of a very good marriage and hopefully many more.

Definately get some legal advice, a lot of community groups or colleges offer help to stay at home moms - ours have "divorce - how to get back on your feet seminars" every once in a while. Also, get your teaching certification (if you haven't already) and start subbing. I didn't like subbing, but it's a source of income until teaching jobs become available in the fall. Tutoring can also be a good source of income for a teacher. However, like anything to do with divorce - check with a lawyer before collecting an income. You'd hate to jeopardize long term support for a couple of subbing jobs.

Just know - you never know how things will turn out, this isn't the end of the world, and no matter what happens you'll be stronger when all is better.

 

[eyor44]

OP - just wanted to pop in and say that I have been thinking of you and am pulling for you.

 

[lucigo]

Unfortunately, I haven't worked in twelve years. But I have used the time while raising my daughter to earn a bachelor's degree and I finished my master's two months ago. Now, I need a job. My education is for teaching, and I feel like it will be months before I can hopefully get a teaching job.

See if you can apply to be a substitute, it will be a great way to ease into the system and for the schools to get to know you and see what a great asset you would be to them.

 

[Tink-aholic]

See if you can apply to be a substitute, it will be a great way to ease into the system and for the schools to get to know you and see what a great asset you would be to them.

Many school districts are not hiring anyone as substitutes now. What with teacher layoffs and budget cutbacks, I think sub positions will be few and far between for a while. I am a high school teacher and my school has talked about utilizing administrators as substitutes in addition to offering financial incentives to teachers not to call in sick.

 

[mjbaby]

Many school districts are not hiring anyone as substitutes now.

True enough. The OP might find some ability to earn extra cash as a tutor, though. Because class sizes are creeping up again and a lot of extras are being cut (my district just cut Spanish at the elementary level, for example, and our after-school math "club" isn't happening anymore), many parents I know are digging deep to come up with the money to replicate some of those things. Some states require tutors to be credentialed, which the OP is, and even if her state does not, having the education could be a client-builder.

At $10/hour (or more! tutors in my area make upwards of $25/hour), she might be able to make enough to supplement other income and maintain a flexible schedule while the divorce shakes out. She may also find it possible to barter for things like haircuts, child activities and so forth.

I also recommend checking out local chapters of "Parents Without Partners". Now, your mileage may vary, but I know several women who found friends with whom they were able to swap childcare, plan inexpensive outings (lots of people in the same boat and need to GET OUT but not spend) or just hang out. Even with supportive (married friends), being with other single parents can be a huge help.