Divorce and the Stay-at-Home-Mom

[Acklander]

I think that every family that decides to have a SAHP should negotiate a contract covering these issues in case of separation or divorce. The settlement will be a lot fairer for the stay at home parent than one negotiated after a split.

 

[SLP958]

My aunt is in a terrible situation right now. She got a degree in teaching years ago. She only worked 1 year, married a suregon, quit the job, had 3 children and 30 years later he leaves her for a 25 year old.

Now at age 56 she is having to look for work. She was awarded a percentage of a retirement fund and alimony. But, he never pays on time or the full amount. She is in the process now of going back to court but it is hard for her because of the lawyer fees.

She now says that her biggest regret is giving up work. She tells her 3 daughters and any other young woman who will listen to never depend entirely on a man no matter what the lifestyle agreement is.

 

[lauradis]

This is one reason that a woman's standard of living is below that of her spouse after a divorce. Another is the need to keep the family home at all costs.

She I think trying to keep "the family home"
Is big mistake on lots of divorcing woman.

It would be better to down size as much as possible or move in with family.

 

[luvsJack]

I was a stay at home mom when I divorced my ex. I didn't even try to keep our home. My sons and I moved out and I got a job. I moved in with my parents for a short time and then got a trailer for us to live in.

You just do what you have to, to take care of your kids.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

She is now an RN at age 25 who will never be financially dependent on a future spouse.

When I went to nursing school right out of high school, half of my class were soon to be or newly divorced woman with kids. I seen how difficult it was for some of them to get through school, work another job and take care of the kids. I vowed that would never be me.

I stayed at home for 3 years with DS but then went back to work. I have only ever worked on an as needed basis so my schedule is flexible but at least I am still in the workforce. DS is now 15 and DD 10.

I have enough experience to have a regular hour job and still work when I want to. I dont anticipate DH and I getting divorced, but hey you never know.

My neighbor just left her husband. She was a stay at home mom for 12 years. She used to be a big PR person for a major bank. Now she makes about $15 hr.
She is lucky her husband she left pays her rent and car payment.
Yea I know. I asked DH, jokingly of course, how do I get a gig like that?

 

[goofinoff]

The moral of the story is that women funded by their ex need to realize the "free ride" does not go on forever. Like welfare, it can enable low motivation people to do nothing... which in the long term can be very bad for their well being.

So true! My friends ex wife falls under this catagory!

 

[si-am]

This happened to my mom. My parents divorced after 22 years of marriage and she hadn't worked in about 12 years at the time. We moved in with my aunt, and then my grandparents for a while. She eventually got back into her previous field (social work) but she did end up going back to school for her masters and it wasn't until after that degree that she was finally really comfortable.

Seeing what she (we) went through made me determined never to put myself in that position. I'm just not risking it.

 

[Hisgirl]

Wow...this is a tough, and big topic.

I have a counselor friend who tells ALL women to set aside $10,000 in a private, her name only account, in the event her DH decides to pull a fast one. Most all lawyers wants $5,000 upfront just to get started. Honestly, it's a bad situation when a SAHM is faced with the need to suddenly find suitable employment after years of being a home manager.

I found myself in that situation after 14 of being a SAHM. While I had a degree and a couple of years experience outside the home, times had changed. I ended up working for myself and formed a nanny corporation, where I advertised for, interviewed, did background checks for nannies and placed them with high end families. I charged the families a placement fee and I also provided the list of my screened nannies for babysittng duties..for another fee.

I made good money. And I was still able to go to most all school functions. I told my DD to make sure she would always be able to support herself, need be.

I think we all need to be willing to help our friends, open a guest bedroom door, loan a bit of money, whatever is needed. This can be such a heartbreaking time.

 

[lauradis]

This thread is depressing!

What happen to marriage? Husband / wife have been cheating on each other forever.

Are we just not willing to forgive and work out our problems anymore?

I never hear anyone say this is how I caused or help to cause the divorce. It's always the other spouses fault. They cheat , don't love me , we grow apart, etc etc.

Well I'm call bs on divorce. It's to easy, to end it.

 

[runwad]

Yep after our 3rd kid I went part time at my place of employement. It sucked cause money was tight and I didn't make a lot during those day care years but I stayed in the work force because if anything ever happened I could get my full time job back. Even though I was/still am reliant on his income, if need be I have access to a full time job rather easily. My heart goes out to those going thru this

 

[Cantw8]

You can love and trust someone with your whole heart but you never know what the future holds. Every woman (and men too) owe it to themselves to have some kind of way of being self sufficient. I just couldn't imagine not working, not having a set of skills, having to depend on someone else for my financial survival. As much as I loved my kids and enjoyed being with them when they were little, I couldn't just give up my career to tend to them 24/7..that would have meant giving up a HUGE part of who and what I am and I hope, it gave my kids I sense of self survival. To me, it was also a self esteem issue. I never wanted to have to ask someone for money when I needed or wanted something. I have a few friends whose single goal in life was finding a man who made good money so they didn't have to work...that sickens me. No one should have a free ride off of anyone

 

[luvsJack]

This thread is depressing!

What happen to marriage? Husband / wife have been cheating on each other forever.

Are we just not willing to forgive and work out our problems anymore?

I never hear anyone say this is how I caused or help to cause the divorce. It's always the other spouses fault. They cheat , don't love me , we grow apart, etc etc.

Well I'm call bs on divorce. It's to easy, to end it.

Don't know about anyone else but mine was both of us.

I was too young when we married and didn't realize how much I would change in the next few years. I wanted different things out of life, he was older and knew what he wanted--very different from each other.

He is/was an alcoholic with no intentions of quitting or changing. I couldn't do it anymore. It was anything but easy.

Most divorces are both parties. Not all but most.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

You can love and trust someone with your whole heart but you never know what the future holds. Every woman (and men too) owe it to themselves to have some kind of way of being self sufficient. I just couldn't imagine not working, not having a set of skills, having to depend on someone else for my financial survival. As much as I loved my kids and enjoyed being with them when they were little, I couldn't just give up my career to tend to them 24/7..that would have meant giving up a HUGE part of who and what I am and I hope, it gave my kids I sense of self survival. To me, it was also a self esteem issue. I never wanted to have to ask someone for money when I needed or wanted something. I have a few friends whose single goal in life was finding a man who made good money so they didn't have to work...that sickens me. No one should have a free ride off of anyone

My DD is only 10 but on Christmas , my inlaws , daughter and myself were sitting at the table. DD was rambling about something her spoiled self wanted and my mother in law said in response you better marry someone with a good job.

My mother in law worked but always a minimum wage job and not when my husband and sister in law were young.

I said in response, she will not rely on a man , she will have her own good paying job.
Of course m-i-l came back and said , doesnt hurt to have a man support her. To which I replied again, she will never rely on a man. She will have her own profession. M-I-L dropped it.

 

[disykat]

Again with the not being willing to rely on anyone else. What does this mean about marriage? For many of us, marriage is all about relying on each other and being interdependent. As a society, we don't seem to value that anymore which is exactly why legal agreements are becoming so necessary.

I don't think anyone would disagree that it's always good to have back up plans in case your original plan fails, but the lack of respect for people who make different choices than you do is obvious when you start making "free ride" remarks.

My children may choose to have dual income families, or they may choose to have one income families. I'd like the choice to be theirs, not mine, not society's.

 

[NEDisneyFans]

Again with the not being willing to rely on anyone else. What does this mean about marriage? For many of us, marriage is all about relying on each other and being interdependent. As a society, we don't seem to value that anymore which is exactly why legal agreements are becoming so necessary.

I don't think anyone would disagree that it's always good to have back up plans in case your original plan fails, but the lack of respect for people who make different choices than you do is obvious when you start making "free ride" remarks.

My children may choose to have dual income families, or they may choose to have one income families. I'd like the choice to be theirs, not mine, not society's.

 

[Cinderelly5507]

Again with the not being willing to rely on anyone else. What does this mean about marriage? For many of us, marriage is all about relying on each other and being interdependent. As a society, we don't seem to value that anymore which is exactly why legal agreements are becoming so necessary.

I don't think anyone would disagree that it's always good to have back up plans in case your original plan fails, but the lack of respect for people who make different choices than you do is obvious when you start making "free ride" remarks.

My children may choose to have dual income families, or they may choose to have one income families. I'd like the choice to be theirs, not mine, not society's.

 

[JanaDee]

You can love and trust someone with your whole heart but you never know what the future holds. Every woman (and men too) owe it to themselves to have some kind of way of being self sufficient. I just couldn't imagine not working, not having a set of skills, having to depend on someone else for my financial survival. As much as I loved my kids and enjoyed being with them when they were little, I couldn't just give up my career to tend to them 24/7..that would have meant giving up a HUGE part of who and what I am and I hope, it gave my kids I sense of self survival. To me, it was also a self esteem issue. I never wanted to have to ask someone for money when I needed or wanted something. I have a few friends whose single goal in life was finding a man who made good money so they didn't have to work...that sickens me. No one should have a free ride off of anyone

A stay at home parent (whether the mom or dad) does not get a "free ride" off anyone.

 

[JanaDee]

Again with the not being willing to rely on anyone else. What does this mean about marriage? For many of us, marriage is all about relying on each other and being interdependent. As a society, we don't seem to value that anymore which is exactly why legal agreements are becoming so necessary.

I don't think anyone would disagree that it's always good to have back up plans in case your original plan fails, but the lack of respect for people who make different choices than you do is obvious when you start making "free ride" remarks.

My children may choose to have dual income families, or they may choose to have one income families. I'd like the choice to be theirs, not mine, not society's.

 

[runwad]

Well in my case I choose to stay in the work force not for the sole reason of a possible future divorce but in case he would die prematurely. Both are equally as devasting to a SAHP. I think everyone should have some means to be able to support themselves. We never know what our futures have in store for us. I for one always feel that as long as I'm prepared and have a plan I can keep bad things at bay. So far it's worked.

 

[nemajovc]

There are at times special programs for women to go back to school- if you know someone in a divorce needing to get a degree sometimes they can - with VERY great persistence find help with tuition transport and childcare but these programs aren't always available.

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