Difficult Situation

[krcit]

I would advise you to set some boundaries now because as this goes on you will get more and more resentful of the situation. IMO, it is ridiculous for him to expect you to be ok with constant phone calls and him going to a wedding with her. She needs to realize that they are divorced and accept the reality of him moving on. I think it's great that they have kept a friendly relationship but there has to be some rules if he wants to move on with you. Her dictating whether you can go to the movies with all the kids? 8 years later? Not ok. What if you get married? Is she still going to come first?

 

[mrsklamc]

Here's what would concern me about the 'wait and see' approach...So often I see women in miserable relationships with men.....because she thought he was going to change. It makes me nuts! As an example 'he' (not OPs BF) spends all night on the couch playing video games and 'she' thought for some reason when they got married/had kids, it was going to change?!?!

I agree it's a good time for him to tell her that "yes, it's changing, and no, I'm not going to the wedding with you."

 

[ManyMinnie]

I have asked him if she believes they are going to get back together. He adamantly says "no." There never has been any interest in them becoming a couple again. He has told her that I am important, and has told me that she is scared it will change how they have lived for all these years. He says that she is nervous/worried. I also believe that I am the only person who has lasted this long.....he has indicated that other women accused them of still having a physical relationship....I have been around them a good bit. I see NO evidence of that. So, I guess my only choice is to hang tough....because at the core of all....I love him and he loves me.

No, you have another choice. Tell him he can either date you or his ex, not both like he currently is doing.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I have asked him if she believes they are going to get back together. He adamantly says "no." There never has been any interest in them becoming a couple again. He has told her that I am important, and has told me that she is scared it will change how they have lived for all these years. He says that she is nervous/worried. I also believe that I am the only person who has lasted this long.....he has indicated that other women accused them of still having a physical relationship....I have been around them a good bit. I see NO evidence of that. So, I guess my only choice is to hang tough....because at the core of all....I love him and he loves me.

This is NOT your only choice.

You can choose to go to couples counselling. Perhaps a third person can assist him with seeing how inappropriate this is.

Yes, things are going to change. They should have 8 years ago. The ex has her life and he has his.

I suspect the more serious you and your boyfriend get the more angry this woman will get and try and control situations such as this wedding or going to the movies with the kids.

 

[mrsklamc]

I have asked him if she believes they are going to get back together. He adamantly says "no." There never has been any interest in them becoming a couple again.

I don't know about your BF but my DH has always been oblivious to women liking him (we were friends for years before there was any romantic interest, so I can say that objectively, I watched girls chase him for years.)

 

[Imzadi]

It looks like you may have to broach the situation since she has begun to interfere with your relationship. You don't want 3 people in your marital relationship.

Yes, why did the name Camilla suddenly come to mind when I read this?

Can you tell me why he is telling you he "HAS" to go.

Here's all I can add to this:

My cousin had one of the best divorces I've ever seen. It was about 25 years ago. Her kids were very young. The divorce was her idea but she insisted on almost forcing her ex-husband to remain in her kids' lives. She felt if you didn't do that, the ex (usually the father) has a tendency to drift from the kids especially if they find a new partner.

My cousin was very strong in insisting that the ex be invited to all family functions that her kids were attending and, as such, we've all continued to maintain a relationship with her ex husband. He stayed part of the family. So, I can sort of see that this "family wedding" situation. It could be that members of, I assume, the ex-wife's family that still have a relationship with your boyfriend and want him at this wedding. This family is not HIS family, they are his ex-wife's family. I'm assuming they don't know you and did not include you as his "plus one." They just invited him along as they probably already have. His son and ex wife are going and he is invited to go as part of his old immediate family.

I think this is just going to take some adjustment on everyone's parts. In my cousin's scenario, it has been 25 years, she has a second husband, her ex husband has a very long-term girlfriend who now gets invites to our family functions.

Gosh, I'm not sure that all made sense.

In my cousin's scenario, her ex was invited everywhere and there were TONS of sports activities the kids were in where they actually even had to travel together because the father was a coach and the mother was involved in some way too.

I am sure to each of their partners, it was uncomfortable at first. But everyone did finally adjust.

I would not give ultimatums at this point unless you are really prepared that you will be on the losing side of it.

I understand what you are saying. And it does sound like your cousin was thinking what is best for the FAMILY. In the OP's case, it sounds like the ex-wife is now thinking of herself first. She has already admitted she's worried & afraid of change. She had something that worked. But she has kept her ex-husband from growing and moving on to be with anyone else FOR 8 YEARS.

When we reach that point in the relationship, I'm not so sure that I can continue to be the "strong" one. He knows he is asking me to be the stronger person, because he has told me that. I am just feeling worn down. Especially after her anger over us wanting to take all the kids for one afternoon to the movies.

WHAAAAT??? you are at that point in the relationship NOW. Umm, how about he grows a SPINE and becomes the strong one in his relationship with his ex-wife??? Set some NEW boundaries and rules.

He has clearly told you that his ex-wife's wishes & demands come first. And if you want to be a part of their threesome, then you have to WEAKEN and comply. This isn't about you becoming strong. This is about you CHANGING to comply with their status quo. Sounds like something HE doesn't want to change or he, himself, is not strong enough to change.

Now the hard part comes. Can you live the rest of YOUR life like this?

Your boyfriend does need to learn to set boundaries. There's no reason for all the phone calls. The child is old enough to call his Dad or for the Dad to call the child.

The ex sounds very controlling.

I have to agree with everyone else. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is dating his ex. I would not move in with him even part time while the situation is like that.

I would tell him all the phone calls need to stop unless there is some emergency with the child.

I agree that he doesn't need to be picking up the phone all the time when you are there.

 

[luvmy3]

Its time for him to man up and tell his ex that he is no longer "hers". Its been 8 years, if she wasn't able to adjust to the change of divorce in that amount of time, she never will. As long as he caters to her, she will continue to milk her "worry" for all its worth. He is an enabler.
This is a man I would be running away from, but if you feel he is worth staying with I think you need to lay down the law about the ex's influence on him. There is nothing wrong with him being friends for their ds's sake, but what you describe goes beyond that.
Good luck

 

[Lauree]

Just want to clarify one point. When he and the ex are out, their son is with them. It is a family thing for them, and I have even been included a couple of times. When I begin to think back on when she started to act hateful towards me, it really started after those times. She is thinking about herself now, because my relationship has NEVER affected him spending time with his son. I have always been respectful of that, and he is very clear about the time devoted to his son (which I respect). I can tell that he avoids confrontation with her. He admits it. I am trying to be supportive and show empathy. I am seeing signs that approach isn't going to work, though. Thinking about a very "in control" serious "things are going to have to adjust" discussion.

 

[Imzadi]

At this point I would sit back, watch, and keep my ears open. See how HE behaves and what HE says to you about his ex. In other words turn your attention away from "the ex" and tune into your BF.

he has indicated that other women accused them of still having a physical relationship....I have been around them a good bit. I see NO evidence of that. So, I guess my only choice is to hang tough....because at the core of all....I love him and he loves me.

I think what the other exes have said is also critically important. While he may not have had/or is going to have a physical relationship again. They are still very much mentally & emotionally involved. YOU have even said you feel like he is going to be her DATE at the wedding. Hello? YOU have received a major red flag. you need to heed your own intuition. It is right on the mark.

I have asked him if she believes they are going to get back together. He adamantly says "no." There never has been any interest in them becoming a couple again. He has told her that I am important, and has told me that she is scared it will change how they have lived for all these years. He says that she is nervous/worried. I also believe that I am the only person who has lasted this long.....he has indicated that other women accused them of still having a physical relationship....I have been around them a good bit. I see NO evidence of that.

Your BD needs to read the book: Spiritual Divorce.

They are still very much "married" in another way. Their relationship status has changed from "married" to "divorced" but they are still very much tied to each other, and not just for the kid. SHE has already admitted she is afraid of change and him growing away from her. Change and growth can be good.

So, I guess my only choice is to hang tough....because at the core of all....I love him and he loves me.

No, you have another option. You can tell him that you need him to develop a more appropriate relationship with his ex or you're outta of there.

all the kids? 8 years later? Not ok. What if you get married? Is she still going to come first?

No, you have another choice. Tell him he can either date you or his ex, not both like he currently is doing.

I believe the OP thinks she has no other choice because at CORE she knows HE will not change. That if she CHOOSES to stay in this relationship, then she really has to accept that the BF +(ex)wife are the ones who will NOT change. What he really wants is an (ex)wife and a girlfriend who will accept what THEY have without changing them. That's what he means whe he says he needs her to be "stronger."

It's an interesting manipulation to tell someone they must be "stronger" when they mean the situation is not going to change and the person must bend backwards to accept what they know in their hearts, that for them, to be wrong. For someone else, this may be okay. But yo have already stated you feel worn out. Bending backwards does that.

This isn't about being "stronger' and staying with the status quo. This is about LISTENING to your own instincts/intuition, to the red flags you have seen and asking if you really want to be a part of this or going off, and holding out to find what you want with someone who can give you what you want and deserve to have. THAT would be being stronger and having faith.

Seems like you are at a point for you to decide if THIS is what you want. It's not changing for them. He has already told you that by asking you to be "stronger." He means "be someone else."

 

[Christine]

Just want to clarify one point. When he and the ex are out, their son is with them. It is a family thing for them, and I have even been included a couple of times. When I begin to think back on when she started to act hateful towards me, it really started after those times. She is thinking about herself now, because my relationship has NEVER affected him spending time with his son. I have always been respectful of that, and he is very clear about the time devoted to his son (which I respect). I can tell that he avoids confrontation with her. He admits it. I am trying to be supportive and show empathy. I am seeing signs that approach isn't going to work, though. Thinking about a very "in control" serious "things are going to have to adjust" discussion.

Here's the problem: the majority of men avoid any confrontation like the plague. In his head, he knows this but most men just cannot stand up against a women. Heck, we see it ALL time on these boards when it comes to their mothers!!!! Oh, the in-law issues.

I loathe the "counseling" recommendation only because it's never easy to find a good counselor, pay for a good counselor, or get people who need to be there actually to SEE the counselor, but I think in this situation, your guy could benefit from a neutral party telling him what is appropriate. But that only works if he's ready for it. If he values your relationship enough and sees your drifting away as a problem for him, then he will do what needs to be done. However, he may really value your relationship but be too big of a chicken to EVER do anything. That's what you need to figure out.

 

[ManyMinnie]

Just want to clarify one point. When he and the ex are out, their son is with them. It is a family thing for them, and I have even been included a couple of times. When I begin to think back on when she started to act hateful towards me, it really started after those times. She is thinking about herself now, because my relationship has NEVER affected him spending time with his son. I have always been respectful of that, and he is very clear about the time devoted to his son (which I respect). I can tell that he avoids confrontation with her. He admits it. I am trying to be supportive and show empathy. I am seeing signs that approach isn't going to work, though. Thinking about a very "in control" serious "things are going to have to adjust" discussion.

They aren't a family anymore. They are divorced. They can remain friendly, but there is no reason to see each other socially outside of events their son is involved in.

 

[Christine]

They aren't a family anymore. They are divorced. They can remain friendly, but there is no reason to see each other socially outside of events their son is involved in.

But the son is going to the wedding.

 

[Imzadi]

Here's the problem: the majority of men avoid any confrontation like the plague. In his head, he knows this but most men just cannot stand up against a women. Heck, we see it ALL time on these boards when it comes to their mothers!!!! Oh, the in-law issues.

I loathe the "counseling" recommendation only because it's never easy to find a good counselor, pay for a good counselor, or get people who need to be there actually to SEE the counselor, but I think in this situation, your guy could benefit from a neutral party telling him what is appropriate. But that only works if he's ready for it. If he values your relationship enough and sees your drifting away as a problem for him, then he will do what needs to be done. However, he may really value your relationship but be too big of a chicken to EVER do anything. That's what you need to figure out.

Yeah, asking the OP to be "stronger" is his code word for being too big of a chicken to EVER do anything to change his current relationship with his (ex)wife.

I wonder how many of the other ex-GF's he's said that too?

 

[ManyMinnie]

But the son is going to the wedding.

It doesn't matter if the son is going or not. Presumably, the child knows either the bride or groom, since his mother is invited.

There is no reason the OP's boyfriend needs to go, unless he was invited by the bride or groom.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

But the son is going to the wedding.

Was Dad sent an invitation to the wedding?

Every time the child is going somewhere doesn't mean that the parents go together as a "family". The dynamics of the family changed eight years ago.

The ex wife is never going to move on with her life as long as she can control her ex-husband.

What does Dad think is going to happen if he tells her he isn't going to be her "date"?

 

[jen0610]

Yes, why did the name Camilla suddenly come to mind when I read this?


LOL That is too funny!

I understand what you are saying. And it does sound like your cousin was thinking what is best for the FAMILY. In the OP's case, it sounds like the ex-wife is now thinking of herself first. She has already admitted she's worried & afraid of change. She had something that worked. But she has kept her ex-husband from growing and moving on to be with anyone else FOR 8 YEARS.

And better yet, he ALLOWED her to dictate his growth. It is past time for him to pull the big boy pants on and put a stop to her actions of telling him how he has to spend "family time". Family time as a threesome - the 2 ex's and their son - ended when the divorce was final.

WHAAAAT??? you are at that point in the relationship NOW. Umm, how about he grows a SPINE and becomes the strong one in his relationship with his ex-wife??? Set some NEW boundaries and rules.

He has clearly told you that his ex-wife's wishes & demands come first. And if you want to be a part of their threesome, then you have to WEAKEN and comply. This isn't about you becoming strong. This is about you CHANGING to comply with their status quo. Sounds like something HE doesn't want to change or he, himself, is not strong enough to change.

As soon as he pulls on the big boy pants, this can happen. But only until then.

I agree that he doesn't need to be picking up the phone all the time when you are there.

The only issue I have about not answering calls, is if the DS has his own cell phone or not. Otherwise, any calls coming into the BF's phone is going to be from either the ex's cell or home phone. You can not not answer the calls if the only phone the DS has to use to contact dad is the someones that the ex uses. No way for the BF to know who exactly is on the other end until he does answer it. BUT he can control his reaction to the calls that she makes that aren't of extreme importance.

Co-work right now is going thru a emotionally difficult split with her boyfriend of 3 years. Most of the issues, that are causing them to split are stemming from ex-wife issues and ex-wife minuplation the kids into issues.

Daily phone calls from the ex, that he needs to come over and address this or that. Says one thing, then does the complete oppisite. Fix this or that. Those requests are always along the lines of you need to fix this for me because the girls use it. Off he runs to her house to fix things, buying the stuff to fix the broken thing with his own money on top of it. The list goes on and on and on.

She thought things would get better with time, but they haven't. It's only gotten worse. She didn't want to leave, but she doesn't see things changing and well she's had all she can take.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

This might not be popular but ex's can be on friendly terms but there is no need to socialize. They can attend common functions such as school concerts and birthdays.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband going to a wedding with his ex-wife.

Your boyfriend does need to learn to set boundaries. There's no reason for all the phone calls. The child is old enough to call his Dad or for the Dad to call the child.

The ex sounds very controlling.

No, you have another option. You can tell him that you need him to develop a more appropriate relationship with his ex or you're outta of there.

Exactly!

I would advise you to set some boundaries now because as this goes on you will get more and more resentful of the situation.

Resentful is right! Let me tell you about my mom and her husband. She married him over 10 years after my daddy passed away. He had been divorced for a while and it was a very bitter divorce. Over time things got better and they were friends again. All three of them were actually friends which was nice at first. Then it got to the point where the ex would call all the time for stupid stuff. When she would go out of town he would get her mail and take care of her personal business.

It has slowly been getting on my mothers nerves over the years. She says that if she was younger she would not have put up with all of this. There are times where he calls my mom his ex's name.. He will ask my mom for advice about something and then double check with the ex to see what she says. He is in his late 70's so this is nothing new for them. They also do not have kids together.


What have I learned from this? Never date or marry anyone who still has any kind of relationship with his ex.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

The BF is actually doing a disservice to his ex too, because he is not forcing her to move on. You better believe that if she had a new man, the situation would be a lot different.

Right now she has the perks of a husband (minus the physical part, which may not be important to her) without any of the drawbacks. She has no motivation to move on.

 

[jen0610]

They aren't a family anymore. They are divorced. They can remain friendly, but there is no reason to see each other socially outside of events their son is involved in.

But the son is going to the wedding.

And where did the OP ever say the son was INVOLVED in the wedding. He's going to a family wedding with his mom. That is NOT involved, that's attending as a guest. If the son was a member of the wedding party and the couple getting married wanted this boys parents to be there, they would have sent an invite to each one - individually.

Events the son is involved in would be sports, scouts, school functions, church functions, ect. And at that, dad doesn't have to go to all of them, nor does mom. There are times when DH can't make every single thing that our kids are in. And there are things that I can't make. Doesn't mean we don't care or don't want to be there, but life happens.

 

[luvmy3]

They aren't a family anymore. They are divorced. They can remain friendly, but there is no reason to see each other socially outside of events their son is involved in.