Did you ever feel like you wasted a chunk of your life

[Tiggeroo]

Scarlett, I'm so glad somebody understands. It's that stuff and my letting myself get caught up in it too much that's led me to waste way too much time. Twenty years in the workforce shows more tangible results at times then 20years in the home. I have great kids but they are teens. At this point in their lives they are not the most appreciiative buggers.

 

[monkeyboy]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
Tiggeroo......you're absolutely right. Most men don't think of all those gazillion things wives/mother's have on their minds.

Oh I was to busy thinking about sports, and lingerie models

 

[cynsaun]

Originally posted by Bob Slydell

She's right, I'm going home to mother!

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by Tiggeroo
I seriously doubt many men will say yes to this. Even men who I know to be good husbands and fathers are made different then many women. They can be more self-centered in a driven way because it is seen as adding to their families rather then taking away. Most men are also well able to eke out more free time to do the extra things they love. Many women I know when they try this are thinking in the back of their heads about things they should be doing, or people who need them.

I agree. When the buck stops, its usually with Mommy.

Hope your day gets better Tig.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Yes...5 years I feel like I wasted and those were my college years. I was in a serious relationship, we were thinking about getting engaged and a month before we graduated college and was supose to move in together, he broke up with me and I found out he was also cheating on me. 5 wasted years that I dedicated to him and only him....(just a little bitter still, it was only a year ago that it happened.)

 

[Bob Slydell]

Originally posted by cynsaun
She's right, I'm going home to mother!

 

[jrydberg]

I'm soooo confused! Since I have to be both the daddy and the mommy, should I feel slighted by the moms or underappreciated by dads?

Seriously, it's only natural to value your own contributions more than those not in your position. I think I can say with a good deal of authority that there's an awful lot that has to be done regardless of which role you are in. Make the most of it.

 

[Christine]

To the OP: Yes, I often feel that I've wasted a chunk of my life. I also just turned 40 last year and I think there is something about "that age" that gets you thinking!! As opposed to you, I often wonder if I've wasted too much time working and not spent enough time being a good mother. I used to think my choices were fine, and for the most part still do, however, there are many things I have not done with my children because I was "at work." I don't really feel guilty--it's just kind of hard to describe. But I do feel now that I maybe did not make the best choices. I got married WAY to young, dropped out of college, but was fortunate enough to be a good worker and do well professionally. But, because of my lack of college education, it has severely limited me changing jobs or branching out! So I regret that for sure. On the other hand, I've seen many people with college educations not do so well so who knows what my future would have been.

Tiggeroo--I understand what you are saying. In my marriage, my DH is a very good father and provider for us. But, he is never concerned with the fact that the kids need physicals before starting school, when the medications need to be refilled for them, how my son's asthma is REALLY doing, where to find the best lung specialist, how to get in touch with the teacher about son's food allergies, and so on. Somehow, the mothers always end up with these details. I'm sure my husband would do it if I made him, but I think it's just funny how these little details end up on the mother's plate! But if you ask my husband, he will swear up and down to you that he does it all.

And to Bob Slydell: There are always exceptions to this!!! I know quite a few men who actually do take over and do all the "traditional mommy" things and worrying about details. In fact, my stepfather was the big caretaker for me because his job was more flexible. If you're one of them, I can see where you'd find insult with the comment.

 

[cynsaun]

Originally posted by Bob Slydell

jrydberg--Good point!

 

[ScarlettO]

It's the intangibles and there are hundreds of them, that go into running a home and raising children that men don't usually think about.

Did I sign up to be a room mother.

I really want to talk to the parents of the new girl my kids are hanging with. Has my dd been unusually withdrawn lately.

I better call the school, jr. has done poorly on the past couple or math tests.

Women frequently have things they need to deal with as their parents get older.

They generally handle alot of the birthday and holiday shopping. It's all that stuff that adds up to, well alot.

OK all you sarcastic men who replied......tell me the last time you were concerned about being the Room mother or the cafeteria monitor or the chaperone on the next field trip...it's those kinds of minute details that women face daily-on top of their jobs and along the way "me" takes a back seat.

 

[Bob Slydell]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
OK all you sarcastic men who replied......tell me the last time you were concerned about being the Room mother or the cafeteria monitor or the chaperone on the next field trip...it's those kinds of minute details that women face daily-on top of their jobs and along the way "me" takes a back seat.

I've got a 3 year old -- no room mother duties or chaperoning yet.

 

[monkeyboy]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
OK all you sarcastic men who replied......tell me the last time you were concerned about being the Room mother or the cafeteria monitor or the chaperone on the next field trip...it's those kinds of minute details that women face daily-on top of their jobs and along the way "me" takes a back seat.

Scarlett

here try on my shoes....and walk a mile

 

[jrydberg]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
OK all you sarcastic men who replied......tell me the last time you were concerned about being the Room mother or the cafeteria monitor or the chaperone on the next field trip...it's those kinds of minute details that women face daily-on top of their jobs and along the way "me" takes a back seat.

I'm not going to disagree with you that women generally face a lot, but do you seriously think that men don't face similar things on a daily basis? And on a side note, unless the woman is working part time or not working, room mother and cafeteria monitor is out of the question

As for field trips, I've taken great pains to rearrange a busy schedule (work and otherwise) to attend 2 recent field trips with my daughter. Believe me, it's not easy to do.

 

[PatriciaH]

Sometimes I will get into a rut and wish I was doing a more meaningful job. My aunt was a nun, nurse, doctor, traveled all over and lived in other countries teaching. She made a big difference in a lot of people's lives. I always feel since I am able bodied and smart I should be doing more I have many things I plan on doing in the future though! DH and I would like to tutor/teach more, help the poor and raise service dogs some day.

I admire you mothers, but I look back at my SAH mothers life and the life of a few of her sisters that were SAHM's and feel they lost themselves and gave up their talents. I am glad my mother was there for me, but I also wish she was able to achieve more of the things she wanted to do. I also feel that since my dad was the one working (bringing home the $$) 6+ days a week, he had and still has a lot more say in how things are done and what the $$ gets spent on. I am sorry but I see my DH and I as more equal since we both bring home the cash.

 

[aprincessmom]

OK all you sarcastic men who replied......tell me the last time you were concerned about being the Room mother or the cafeteria monitor or the chaperone on the next field trip...it's those kinds of minute details that women face daily-on top of their jobs and along the way "me" takes a back seat.

I'm not a sarcastic male...just a single working mom. I have to say I saw more dads doing the chaperoning in the past two years on field trips than I saw moms so there are plenty of men who are having to think of the "minute" details as well.

Back to the original question...I never felt this way. Regret is something that takes too much time and I have way to much to do without getting bogged down in it.

I did notice that you mention repeatedly that you want to do things but can't. I am of the opinion that if something is important enough to you, you will find the time and a way to get it done. Only you control your destiny. Others can't help you succeed unless you tell them specifically what you need from them to make it happen. Maybe you need to sit down with your family and tell them pointblank what your needs are and how they can help you reach your goal. Let them know how important it is to you and I'll bet they will come through for you.

 

[PatriciaH]

Originally posted by aprincessmom
I did notice that you mention repeatedly that you want to do things but can't. I am of the opinion that if something is important enough to you, you will find the time and a way to get it done. Only you control your destiny. Others can't help you succeed unless you tell them specifically what you need from them to make it happen. Maybe you need to sit down with your family and tell them pointblank what your needs are and how they can help you reach your goal. Let them know how important it is to you and I'll bet they will come through for you.

ITA. Sometimes my mother/father would say "we gave up our lives for you children." Well gee thanks but we were not the ones that asked to be born. Regrets are a sad thing. I told my mother she should have gotten a job or gone back to school when we reached school age but she has plenty of excuses for why she could not do it.

 

[flaps]

No cheese?? I don't care for wine, but I'd have taken some cheese. No biggie, though.

In answer to your question:

Yup.

I have a bad tendency to see the last decade of my life as a total waste, and in extension, my entire life as a total waste.

My spouse, on the other hand, believes the past decade of my life has been quite the opposite.

When my spouse and I disagree, my spouse - with rare exceptions - almost always ends up being right. If I were a gamblin' gal, I'd bet my last Lincoln this ain't one of the exceptions.

Now if only I could get my heart to quit poundin' so hard while I'm waiting to see if his hand can beat my straight flush...

 

[G&J's Mom]

I can totally relate Tiggeroo. I think alot of people look back and reflect on their lives on a milestone birthday. I am 41 and lost my mother a week after my 40th birthday. It was devastating and eye opening.

I am the breadwinner at my house and have supported my children almost solely on my own. I have a very unsupportive (financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, would never dream of doing any chore) H who I consider leaving every day. I know I could, and I know I would be just fine. I kick myself for not completing college. I had children later 4 and 2 years old and dream everyday of going back for myself and for them.


I wish you luck in all your endeavors.

Denise

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am so there! Need to get off my rear and be employed before Feb. when I turn 40.

It is not really regret so much (for me), but an anxiety of taking those first steps. I want to apply to be a substitute teacher. Then I think, what if the kids need to go here, or they get sick. Right now it is easy, like today dd has some virus. I can just pick up and take her.

{{{HUGS}}}

OH! And my cheese is on crackers!

 

[Tiggeroo]

I completed my college degree while my sons were toddlers and my dd had just entered school. Then I ended up runnig our family hvac business for alot of years. Now I'm a full time substitute working on finishing the last couple classes I need to get my teaching cert. Somehow I was able to get a degree with twin toddlers, but it's been much more difficult to take a few classes with a house full of older kies. I know it's my fault for not doing the things I want. I need to restructure my life so that in ten more years I'm not saying the same thing. I don't see myself as having sacrificed myself for my kids. I just don't know where the time went.
I'm also working on starting my own business. I've got the basic plan done and have started meeting with relevant people. And as I get excited about this there are also regrets that it would have been much easier to do when I was younger.