Did I do the right thing (very long).

[crazyme5kids]

I have a seasonal holiday decorating business. During the summer I parted ways with my old partner for a number of reasons. So I asked a friend who had worked with us if she wanted to be a partner. She was thrilled and said yes. I also asked another friend who is a decorator by training, very talented if she was interested too. I thought her knowledge and talent would be an asset to the business. She said yes too. Now here is the problem. She has substance abuse problem (drinking and also drugs, crack to be exact). I thought she was working on them, trying to stay sober etc... In the past she has taken off for days at a time leaving her kids and husband. While this is still happening. She took off on Halloween for a few days. She stopped by Wed. night to show me some decorations she found, and I gave her some money to pick more up on Thurs. (Halloween). Now she was also supposed to drop off a contract to a client on Fri. and stop and give an estimate to another person. We lost one potential job because she was arrogant and insulting to the business owner. We decided that we wouldn't bring her on estimates any more, but I knew that we were not going to get the one job (you kind of get a feel for it) so I figured no harm letting her go, I had other places to go. Now she was supposed to get the info from me on Thurs. where the place was, and the contract to deliver. Well obviously that didn't happen. So Fri. comes and she is missing in action. We go and do the things she was supposed to. We have decided that due to her behavior and her abuse problems (did I mention she has marriage problems too. No surprise there) that it is not fesiable for her to be a partner.

She called me before and acted like nothing happened, nothing was wrong. We started talking and I began to say this is not going to work out. Well she tried to blame me for not giving her the info etc... etc.... It didn't end well, which I figured would happen. I told her that her friendship is important to me (why at this point I haven't a clue), but this business is important too. She said "I already have put a lot of time into this business." I told her that I would reimburse her for her time, which I estimate to be between 20 to 25 hours, and that's on the high side, and asked what she thought would be fair. She said you figure it out!

So now I feel really bad, but also angry that she doesn't feel she did anything wrong. I didn't ask either one for any money to invest, all I asked was they put in the time and effort to get this going. My other partner reasurred me I did the right thing, and that she was going to cost us in the long run. I know in my heart I did the right thing, but still I wonder if I should have handled it differently. Thanks for listening.

 

[peg2001]

You did the right thing. Perfectly.

Peggy

 

[aahmom1]

There is no way in heck I would let a crack addict anywhere near my business, so yes, you did the right thing. And let me just say, those poor babies, her husband needs to get them and himself away from her TODAY before she does serious damage to those kids.

 

[bananiem]

You did the right thing. She's an addict who is in denial about the effect her "lifestyle" has on others.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Thanks for the reassurance. Bananiem you hit the nail on the head! Although she is good at paying lip service saying she knows what she is doing is wrong and how it effects people, she does nothing and doesn't want to do anything about it. Sad part is I never knew anything about her "other life". I only found out about the drinking in the fall, and about the crack use in the spring. I've known her since my son and her son were in kindergarten, they are now in 8th grade. It is also very sad because she is very talented, has a kind heart and finacially everything you could ask for. From all outside appearences her life is great. I have spoken with her husband about it, but he is emotionally drained, they all are from it, and I don't think he is going to put up with it much longer, he is talking about divorce. Even then I don't think that is what it will take for her to straighten herself out.

 

[mamajoan]

You did EXACTLY the RIGHT thing for everyone involved.
You are in a very difficult situation. Self preservation is a must...
it does not seem as if she has hit bottom yet.. sometimes that has to happen.. sometimes several times before the drug abuser straightens up.

Best wishes,
J.

 

[Kallison]

People with substance abuse problems never take responsiblity. You absolutely did the right thing, it would not take long for your company to get a bad rap with her work ethic. Not to mention I would be afraid she would steal to support her habit. I hope your friend gets help.

 

[Keli]

I believe you handled this situation in the best possible way. You probably had the 'right' to be angry and blow up at the woman for being so irresponsible but you handled the whole thing gently and kindly. I hope your friend is able to find help for her problems soon before they cost her everything.

 

[Serena]

crazy, I agree with everyone else. There was nothing else you could have done.

 

[ILUVDXL]

Several years ago I had a young lady who worked for me. I thought the world of her and made it one of my missions to help her get ahead both with her educatrion and in her career.

Things were going along well. She was doing good in school and taking on more responsibility in the work place. Suddenly the no-shows started and when she did come in half the time she was asleep at her desk. She denied having any kind of substance abuse but I felt she needed some kind of counseling, so I got her into our Employee Assistance Program. She stayied in that for awhile and seemed to snap out of it, but sure enough within a matter of weeks we were back to the same old, same old.

It broke my heart, but I had to let her go. She was breaking the moral of the rest of the staff and showing me very little respect. Last I heard she was still on crack and had given birth to a pre-mature, crack addicted little girl. Some times we just have to make the tough choices.

 

[Big V]

I don't think I would have handled that situation as well as you did! Just remember that "actions speak louder than words". It doesn't matter what your friend "says", it's what she "does" that counts.

 

[minniecarousel]

You did the right thing - don't let her put a guilt trip on you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do you do the right thing? Of course. You must have a heart of gold because I would have never have given her a chance.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I have had several small businesses. We have very little margin for error, money wise. Also, in a small business every employee is even more important and has even more responsibilities.
By the way, I have often thought of starting a holiday decorating business. Was it difficult?

 

[tedsmom]

You absolutely,positively, without a doubt did the right thing.

 

[swanmom]

Not only do I agree with all the other posters that you did the right thing but I'd like to add a thought. If you had tried to keep her on or to accommodate her, you would have just been an enabler - allowing her to continue a facade of normalcy and competence. "See I'm holding down a job and fulfilling my responsibilities" when she really wasn't. Most frequently, addicts do not take responsibility for their behavior until they hit bottom. Sometimes that means that people who are trying to support them, cover for them, give them a little more time etc. just end up making it easier for them to continue to self-destruct.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I want to thank you all for your reassurance on this subject. I feel bad about the whole thing, but there really was nothing else I could do. Swanmom you are right about being an enabler. I was going to go to Florida with her, we were going to drive, she had a family reunion to go to. We were going to bring the kids. This was in the spring, but when I learned about her crack use I told her I could not go. She didn't talk to me for 3 weeks. When she finally did speak to me I told her that I did not want to be her enabler. Well I have been. I am the one she calls to say I drank last night. I'm the one she has called to say I'm in a bar, and then I worry about her safety. Recently she had started to ask me to "cover for her", which I won't do. I told her I would be very uncomfortable lying to her husband.

I have tried to be understanding of her problems, and have been there (for hours at a time) to listen to her. I have given advice, have encouraged her to seek help and go for counseling. I have even been harsh with her at times. In the end nothing has changed. I have been an enabler, the understanding and forgiving person she can run to. That clearly has to change, I can't do it any more for all the obvious reason, and because I am Tired of being there for her when she makes no effort to change. Honestly during the 3 weeks she didn't call i felt relieved. I felt like my time wasn't being wasted or taken away from my kids or other things I wanted to do. I felt like I wasn't responsible for her. Thanks for listening, just putting it into words helps to see that I have 100% done the right thing.