Did I do the right thing? (Parenting help needed)

[mom2kazkids]

I need help with a parenting issue. I have two kids a DD (4) and a DS (5), my issue is with my DD. She can get into these terrible "hissy fits" for the littlest things, such as not getting her shoes tied on the first try (she has been tying shoes since summer). Today I took her to gymnastics and ended up taking her home without her participating.

What happened was we got there right before the class started, so she got out of her sweats, then I had her go wash her hands as she had a piece of candy on the ride there, when we were getting her hands washed, her class went out to the floor to start warming up. While we were washing her hands I remembered we did not get her hair into a ponytail, so I took her back to the bleachers to put it up, here she started to whine and cry about not wanting it done, since it is a gym rule, and she has been in gymnastics for over a year and knows that is how she has to wear it, I went ahead and put it up. Then I go to send her out to the gym area, and she whines about wanting me to walk her out there, but parents are not really allowed out in the area, and like I said before she has been going there for over a year, so I told her to get out there herself. Again she starts to whine, so I told her to get going and I counted to 3, before I got to three she moved about 10 feet away from me and again started to whine and pout. That is where I lost it, and picked up her clothes, told her to get over to me, got her dressed and took her home with her whining and crying all the way home. So did I do the right thing?

I have started to totally ignore her when she is throwing these hissy fits, and let her go until she can talk as a big girl. She had one when we were leaving daycare/preschool and everyone could not believe the way that she was acting as they said that she never acts like that at "school" and always acts like such a big girl and is a great student.

I need help, I am at my wits end with her.

Barb

 

[luvmydogs]

I think you absolutely did the right thing. It sounds as though she is trying to engage you in a little power struggle at home since she follows the rules and is well-behaved at daycare. Be firm and consistent at this young age, and don't allow her the control in your parent/child relationship. Let her know your groundrules now--that you will not give in to whining and tantrums (and do know that *all* kids will do both of those things!). Better to set these proper expectations for her behavior at age four than at 14 (although every age will have it's struggles)!

Ya' done good, Mom!

 

[Serena]

It sounds like you did what needed to be done. Just hang in there. You will make mistakes, just try to learn from them. None of us know what we're doing, we just do the best we can.

 

[Aidensmom]

Sounds very similar to the evening I had with my 4 year old son, but he was much worse! IMO, you did the right thing.

We have been having a really hard time with my son and these power struggle things lately. I give my son a little leeway, a whine or two with the reminder of how we/school/etc does things, and if he continues, time to stop everything. He usually stops after the reminder, but at times has power struggle episodes like your daughter. I just feel that if I give in once, it will be much harder the next time. So I never give in.

 

[gigglesnort]

nothing to say except I'm happy I don't have children at this point!

 

[jamzots]

She is pushing your buttons!!! Good for you for sticking to your guns and driving her home, don't know if I would have had the guts to do the same thing!!!

 

[Beth76]

Who's to say what the right thing is really? I don't have much experience with tantrums because fortunately my boys don't really have them. I do know that the best thing to do is to ignore them. Not having been there to know the degree of the tantrum I can't say whether I would have left or if I would have sat there and let her "finish". It seems as though she didn't really want to go to the class, so perhaps leaving was sort of giving her her way. I'm not sure I would have left, but I definitely don't think it was the wrong thing to do.

 

[daisyduck123]

It sounds like you did the right thing to me. The alternative would have been to give in & that wouldn't be right.

 

[Steamboat Marti]

I think you did the right thing. Think of it this way... if you had stayed at gymnastics, would you have been rewarding her for her behavior? If the answer is yes, then leaving is the right thing to do. I try to keep this question in the back of my mind concerning my son. I don't want to raise a bratty child. If I answer yes to this question, he doesn't get to complete the task - I remove him from the situation. I don't want to reward him for bad behavior. I hope I explained that correctly.

 

[Tanuki]

I put my 4 year old in "time out" for whining last Sunday.
What you did was perfectly fine.
It's the age - she is testing to see who's boss

 

[JPN4265]

I need help with a parenting issue. I have two kids a DD (4) and a DS (5), my issue is with my DD. She can get into these terrible "hissy fits" for the littlest things, such as not getting her shoes tied on the first try (she has been tying shoes since summer). Today I took her to gymnastics and ended up taking her home without her participating.

What happened was we got there right before the class started, so she got out of her sweats, then I had her go wash her hands as she had a piece of candy on the ride there, when we were getting her hands washed, her class went out to the floor to start warming up. While we were washing her hands I remembered we did not get her hair into a ponytail, so I took her back to the bleachers to put it up, here she started to whine and cry about not wanting it done, since it is a gym rule, and she has been in gymnastics for over a year and knows that is how she has to wear it, I went ahead and put it up. Then I go to send her out to the gym area, and she whines about wanting me to walk her out there, but parents are not really allowed out in the area, and like I said before she has been going there for over a year, so I told her to get out there herself. Again she starts to whine, so I told her to get going and I counted to 3, before I got to three she moved about 10 feet away from me and again started to whine and pout. That is where I lost it, and picked up her clothes, told her to get over to me, got her dressed and took her home with her whining and crying all the way home. So did I do the right thing?

I have started to totally ignore her when she is throwing these hissy fits, and let her go until she can talk as a big girl. She had one when we were leaving daycare/preschool and everyone could not believe the way that she was acting as they said that she never acts like that at "school" and always acts like such a big girl and is a great student.

I need help, I am at my wits end with her.

Barb

Okay here is the not so popular response: Number 1: no counting allowed, who's in charge? you are the child. Number 2: a good swat on the butt will solve alot of problems. I can see into the future, and I see major problems if you don't take control of the situtation and start becoming the parent instead of your childs best friend. JMO.

 

[poohandwendy]

i think it sounds like you did the right thing. She is learning what is acceptable, you taught her that behavior is not. If she wants to participate she must behave...if not, you will leave. Keep it up mom, you are doing the right thing, IMHO.

(oh, and I would guess she doesn't act that way at school because she knows (or suspects) that they would not put up with it. Keep teaching her that you won't either and you'll be fine)

 

[VSL]

Glad I don't have children yet.

I think I'll always be asking myself 'did I do the right thing?'
It doesn't help that my boyfriend will probably have his doctorate in Psychology at that point too!

 

[Lucky4me]

We used to coach our kids on the way to wherever we were going.
By the time they were 4 they could recite every rule by memory.
#1- NO WHINING
#2- NO FIGHTING
#3- NO BEGGING
#4- STAY TOGETHER
#5- SEE 1-4!!

We had to leave a couple of times from various functions and places, but they caught on real quick after that.

A few months ago we all went out to dinner in my van. It was the funniest thing listening to these twenty something year old kids reciting the 'rules' and sounding just like I did all those years ago. I guess it stuck.

 

[Martha7]

I never had girls, but I'm imagining that show, The Nanny, and it seems as though that's what she would have done. I know that with my boys, I always had to be prepared to leave wherever we were, if the bad behavior started and they didn't shape up. It sounds like you did the right thing to me. Is she a child who doesn't deal with rushing very well? You mentioned that her hair wasn't in a pony tail, etc. She may be one of those kids with a "perfectionist" personality, who doesn't roll with the punches very well. Those kids are usually great students, but come with their own challenges. Neither of mine fit that profile, but my nephew does!

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like you did the right thing to me. Sounds like she is "testing" limits, behavior etc. The best thing to do is to remain calm when you do this, and if you make a threat, then stick to it, which is what you did.

I can recall when I was about 7. My parents, DB & I were at Howard Johnson's. I was acting up. My mother told me to stop, & if I acted up again, she & I would sit in the car until my DDad & DB were done. I didn't believe her, didn't think she'd leave a restaurant meal, which was a big treat in those days. I acted up again, Mom & I were in the car. She didn't yell, scream, holler...nothing. She just very calmly took me by the hand and said "I told you if you kept acting up that we'd go sit in the car, so now we are going to sit in the car". Dad & DB finished dinner and got a sundae for dessert!!!!!!!!!!!

This taught me a very important lesson: She means what she says. The other thing that was effective...how calm and in control she was.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I probably would have left her standing there and gone back to where the parents wait. I think the only wrong thing would have been to have given your DD her way (ie, not put the ponly tail in her hair). I think either walking away or bringing her home are both ok solutions to a tough situation.

 

[malibuconlee]

I don't have kids, but have nephews who have fits and give the dirtiest looks. All I have to say is BRAVO!!

I do bleieve you did the right thing by not allowing her to control the situation. I see that all too often.

 

[mickeyboat]

I know it was hard, but you did the right thing. She will remember the next time that you will follow through on your threat and that mean business.

Four is a hard age, good luck!

Denae

 

[justhat]

My daughter is only 20 months but is learning to perfect the whine and pout and I think you handled it fine. I would have done the ponytail despite the whining since it's a rule and then if she whined about going into the class I would not have walked her either. I might not have left right away(but I don't think it's wrong to do it), but I would have definitely told her that she could either walk to the class by herself or walk with mommy to the car to go home. I'm a big believer in choices because then they know that the decision is up to them, not just feeling like you're controlling them. And if she refuses to make a decision (as is often the case with my daughter) then I say "if you don't make a choice then you're leaving the decision to mommy" and then I go ahead and do what I think is best. And in your case it would have meant leaving too.

Oh, and I don't agree with the poster who said that by counting you're not in charge. I think you're very much in charge and your daughter knows that, but I think all kids push their parents more than their teachers. My daughter does things at preschool that she won't do at home simply because there's no option at school.