DH won't budge on this one

[kinlaw6450]

My brother forced his 5 year old into Kindergarten this year. THe child was not mature enough and has suffered all year. Now to top it off he is definately being retained because he didn't master the academic requirements for having to deal with the emotional strain. Now my brother is really hating himself for putting the kid through that...

 

[Pin Wizard]

With all due respect, Robin, your husband is discounting if not ignoring the opinions of two professionals...your child's teacher and you with a Masters in Education!! Around here parents are sending their kids to kinder when they are 6! They want them to be the whizzes with the A's. I wonder how your husband would feel if your son ends up being held back in an upper grade. In DS's class one boy was left back in 2nd, another was left back in 3rd. I would rather start kinder a year later than have to deal with a child who was held back a year later on. Good luck!

 

[Pinnie]

This topic is near and dear to my heart.

I am a teacher in a Young 5s program. Our district has changed to a literacy based kindergarten and strongly urges parents of young 5s (fall birthdays) to take advantage of this free 5 day a week, 3 hour a day program. We don't consider it "holding them back" rather we believe we are giving them the gift of time. There is NO other place to catch a child later with immaturity issues.

I can speak from my own experience with my oldest son. He was only 4 when he entered Kindergaten. Yes, he could always do the cognitive work and he scored well on standardized tests. When the "youngness" really kicked in was in Middle School and High School. He always was one of the last ones date, get his driver's license, go through puberty (and that iwas a BIG issue!) etc. It was always difficult for him socially to deal with pressures of his grade peers. As it turned out, he generally hung out and befriended the students a year younger. Also, he graduated with honors from high school at the age of 17 with a few scholarships but he was not ready to go off to college and make that break. I only wish I had held him back and now I am a big advocate of Young 5s.

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters that this is an issue that needs to be dealt with as a cohesively as possible. It should not be about ego. I strongly urge you to look again at the advice of the teachers who know the curriculum your child will be exposed too. Here in our district Kindergarten is NOT what it was a few years ago. We are a literacy based program and the children must be able to work independantly on journals, My Books, and be able to follow directions in a computer lab setting, just to name a few.

I leave you with this quote:

"Childhood should be a jouney not a race."

Best wishes
pin
remember the magic
DVC/BCVs 2002

 

[mom2boys]

My friends daughter would not speak to her teachers her first year of preschool. The only time they heard her voice was the one day when her brother came to school & she showed him around. The next year she went to a pre-K at a different school & wouldn't stop talking. (!st year 3 yr old class; next yr 4 yr old class). The pre-K school goes through 8th grade. This year (as a 5 yr old) she was placed in the accelorated Kindergarten. A change of scenery may be what your son needs.

 

[MerryPoppins]

Years ago, when DS was in Kindergarten his teacher informed me that although he was very bright and could do the work, he was behind the other kids in development. He was one of the youngest in the class. DH didn't want him to be "held back". Partially from pride, partially because he didn't want him labeled. We discussed it at great length and I made him see that it would be in his best interest to have another year under his belt rather than struggling along for the next few years.

We put him in Transition. It was the best thing we ever did. He is an honor student in the 9th grade. He never struggles with his work. I have no doubt that he would have caught up eventually, but the extra year did wonders for him socially. His handwriting improved by leaps and bounds.

I'd try to talk to your husband some more. Ask him to examine why he feels the way he does. If it doen't work, I'm sure it will be okay in the long run. I just think your son would have an easier time of it for the next few years if he'd listen to you.

 

[Mermaid02]

I think there are some maturity issues that can ONLY be dealt with by going to school.... what I mean is, they have to be in school in order to mature (if that makes any sense). My son was 5 last March and started kindergarten in September- frankly he wasn't very mature and a lot of people told me I should keep him home another year.... I am so glad I didn't. He went to school and blossomed! It was exactly the change he needed.

I (of course) don't know your son- but I just wanted to tell you about our positive experience. I hope you and your dh can work this out so you are both happy with the decision. Good luck!

 

[Mishetta]

Wow! I couldn't agree more with what "Pinnie" posted! She is absolutely right about giving your child the "gift of time." I also know what turmoil you're in right now since we lived it too, a couple years ago!

We struggled greatly over holding our son back. His pre-school teachers strongly urged us to put him in Begindergarten or the Early 5's program (whatever it's called in your area). We requested that our son take the Gazelle (?) Test & he failed miserably. We still didn't want to hold him back, but after lengthy discussions on this (my DH & I made this decision together), we decided to put him in the Early 5's program & we would check with the teacher a few weeks after school started to see how our DS was progressing. The school informed us that if he was truly ready for Kindergarten, they had no problem with moving him up within those first few weeks. Well, our son was not ready to move up, in fact, there were 2 boys in Kindergarten that were moved to the Early 5's program.

Then... (not to make this too long but...) when my DS was in Kindergarten, there was a boy in his class that was obviously struggling. This boy started being really disruptive because he just couldn't stay focused on what was being taught. He couldn't sit still & he just couldn't keep up with the class. He had lots of behavorial issues which came up as the school year progressed & I firmly believe that all those behavorial issues came about because he just didn't "get" Kindergarten. At the end of the year, I did hear that the teacher recommended this boy repeat Kindergarten. Oh...and this all happened in a PRIVATE SCHOOL. Make the best decision for your son & don't worry about anything else.

I know you didn't want to hear this but our son is doing excellent in school in every aspect....academically & socially. I feel it is all due to the extra year we gave him as a gift. School is so much more intense today than it was when I was growing up & I know in my heart that my DS would have never been able to get through all the tough work he does now in 1st grade if he were one year younger.

Just pray about it & let your heart guide the way....

 

[allicat]

If you go ahead and place DS in K and he struggles all year and has to be retained, Im sure DH wont like that either! Wouldnt it be better to give DS that extra year so he is ready to succeed in K?
If DH isnt going to listen to you, his wife with a Masters, Im not sure what would change his mind!

 

[Serena]

I'm sorry Robin.

My sister insisted on pushing her girls too, and they both had to take kindergarten again.

 

[disykat]

You want reassurance - here it comes.

I am also a teacher who specializes in K and 1st grade. IMO if normal 5 year olds cannot be in kindergarten, then the curriculum and the age limit should be adjusted accordingly. I feel strongly (as your dh does obviously) that unless there are very good reasons, a child should go in when they are age appropriate. DS #2 has a late May birthday and is immature. I put him in and he does fine and is loving school. He is not the top of his class - my ego is surviving and I am confident that the age advantage will go away soon. I am giving my son the "gift" of not spending his entire 18th year and part of his 19th in high school.

I went to school with a November birthday back when the cutoff was middle of November. I admit to being behind in the early grades (although I didn't realize it then), but was reading in the high group by 3rd grade and finished #14 in my class of 200. My brother was in the same boat. DH had a May birthday and was very immature. He learned to read in 3rd grade and was class valedictorian in high school.

Your dh does have a right to be involved in the decision as well. Sometimes in marriage there are decisions that cannot be made 50/50 and end up being to the one with the strongest opinion. I'd try compromising by putting off the decision and if you think there ARE extenuating circumstances - find the proof for your husband.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

Wow...I had no idea you could determine when your child starts kindergarten. I hope you and your DH can come to an agreement that is best for your child.

I started Kindergarten at 4..cutoff was 12-31 then and I turned 5 in Oct. I had NEVER been to pre-school or a babysitter before. Needless to say, I had some adjustment issues lol. I did very well academically and had started reading when I was 3 1/2. I was also the tallest kid in my class so I guess that helped some.

 

[annemariec]

I think it depends on so many variables as to what is right for your child.

On a positive note - I taught Head Start for several years and I witnessed children blossoming and maturing from exposure to other children, daily routine, and encouragement. Much like Mermaid02 described.

My nagging thought is, I wonder if he would become bored with a third year of preschool?

I hope you and your husband can reach a satisfactory agreement.
Annemarie

*edited to add- IMO height shouldn't be a hinderance to entering Kindergarten.

 

[annemariec]

Pooh Girl71, I'm pretty sure Kindergarten isn't even mandatory still!

Annemarie

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

Originally posted by annemariec
Pooh Girl71, I'm pretty sure Kindergarten isn't even mandatory still!

Annemarie

really? LOL I'm glad I don't have a small child anymore. I am out of the loop!

 

[cruisnfamily]

Why not go ahead and send him? If it doesn't work out or he has "issues" then he can just repeat kindergarten again. I think unless there is a real documentable reason other than "maturity" he should just go ahead and try it. What's the harm? It's also possible that "big kid school" might be just what he needs to get that maturity.

Good Luck with this!

 

[Cindy B]

My daughter turned 5 on the first day of school.. yes, the first day.


It was "vogue" in our former district to keep them back, and let them "rule " the preschool for another year.

At the November conference her teacher stated that they weren't sure at first, but mid October she blossomed. Then we moved to a new school district in January.. the teacher says she is fine, even though she is the youngest. She is one of the more attentive, and she doesn't need enrichment or full day readiness (optional full day program for kids that need a little help) that MOST of her classmates have.

I have a conference today as well.


As for me, they had to wait until I turned four (mid November) to start kindergarten. My mom and my former teacher said I was reading books to the class!

Did I do fine academically? Yes. But socially its was challenging.

 

[Libbysmom2000]

Whatever your final decision is your son already has a big advantage over many other children, a mom who really cares about his emotional well being.

We're debating the same issue for our DD who's 3 1/2 now. She's very bright and has a good attention span but is emotionally young and small for her age, her birhtday is 8/30. I've read a lot of stories from every point of view. There isn't any easy answer to this.

One thing I can tell you is that one of the school we're looking at (we're considering private) won't accept kids with summer birthdays into kindergarten at age 5. In their experience (opened since late 1800's) a child who is at least 5 1/2 has the most success in their program.

Good luck.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Wow, thanks for all the input. DH does have his valid reasons. He started K at age 4--his BDay is Sept. 28!!--and he did fine. His mom tells me he had mostly As throughout elementary and nothing went south until he discovered girls (which he freely admits).
Also, a lot of the behaviors that worry DS's teacher do not happen in front of DH. When DH tells DS to clean his room or whatever, he does it. He never cries. He isn't difficult. And believe me, DH is not The Great Santini or something where our kids live in fear, he is really great with them but firm. DS does get more coddled by me, and he spends his half day after preschool with my parents, who also tend to indulge him. DH believes that is part of his problems. However, a teacher with 20 (I hope) kids in a class doesn't have time to be firm with my DS every day.
I've seen a change since he started going 5 days a week and I was very hopeful that he had made the change and would be ready. Mrs. Nancy (his teacher) says it's about 50% in her mind if he should go, so it is a very close call. DH has promised to read the articles she gave us.
What is that "Gazelle" test? I know in our K screening that my girls had, they only had to say the alphabet, count to 20 and hop on one foot for 10 seconds(motor skills). If there was something more comprehensive maybe that would help our decision.
Another thing is that our district doesn't really hold kids back that I've seen-in our district report cards there is a zero retention rate--now I don't know if that's because they are all so smart they can move on, or if the district just wants a zero retention rate! It is one of the best districts in the area, got a perfect score on that last report card, so I know he'll get all the help he needs if he does go.
While I do have a Master's, my specialty is HS, which explains why I am so conflicted--I know some things about this issue, but not as much as Mrs. Nancy!
Sports are not a concern. If he stays small and wants to do sports, there are always soccer and running. If he doesn't play football it will probably make my life a lot easier anyhow.
Thanks for all the input--I'll keep reading. You guys are great. Luckily this decision won't have to be final for a while.
Robin M.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

I'm a big believer in letting the parents make the final decision. It is important to receive sound, fact-based advice from the teachers/evaluators, but ultimately it has to be the parent's decision.

I just have to share this with you. My nephew was evaluated for K and the recommendation was that he be held back. My brother didn't like it but thought he'd better hold his son back because he didn't want his son to be "punished" by the teachers/administration for "crossing" them. Please note that this school district is VERY into sports and routinely holds BOYS back so they can be older/larger for HS sports!!!

Aaah? What is the motivation behind the recommendations?

In my son's case, he was kind of borderline. He has an early November birthday so we could have gone either way. The preschool teacher (who had him for 2 years and we totally trusted and respected) said that he would do well academically but his motor skills were a bit lacking. She said something like -- if you start him now, he may always be trying to play catch-up to the others (mid to lower half of class); whereas if you start him next year, he will be one of the older ones and always in the lead. Difference (possibly) in "self-esteem." The preschool teacher had two grown sons and she said they did "fine" but in hindsight she wishes she had held back one year.

Another example we were given. Picture this: 8th grade girl walking down the hall very nicely and maturely. Same age boy making motor-mouth noises as he runs down the hall. Hmmm ... yes, I can see that (I have both a boy and girl).

We decided to wait with my son and he has done fine ... although I don't think he ever caught up in the maturity level (18 and still acts like he's 6 ... LOL).

I have a late November birthday and started K (without preschool) at age 4. Things are different now in that you are in preschool at age 4-5 and start K when you are 6. They teach you to read in K, whereas when I went to school you were taught in 1st grade.

My son is about the same age as other kids in his class, so in hindsight, I'm glad we waited.

At the end of the day ... you and your husband need to make the decision for what's best for your son. Just because your DH was 4 when he started school should have nothing to do with this decision ... times are different and your DS is not your DH.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

Oh, just something else to think about as part of the overall equation .....

My daughter (17) has a girl in her grade that is about a full year younger than everyone else in the class. She does fine both socially and academically, but does feel a bit different in that everyone else gets their driver's license a full year before she does, everyone else is able to get part-time jobs a full year before she does, etc.

It does make a difference, and (I hate to say it) maybe to boys more than girls.

You may want to check out how old most of the kids are starting school at the elementary your son would go to in order to see where his age would fit in compared to others.