DH got mad - **UPDATE pg 3**

[Belle0101]

Here's how it started:

We both wanted to go to Disney this year and both thought it would be fun to surprise out 2 sons with a trip. Even better is that DH said we should go in October when our youngest sons birthday is - making it an even more special trip.

Naturally we looked at airfare, found 4 rt tickets on SWA from Indy to MCO for $466.80 and booked non-refundable airfare.

I cashed in some Reward Programs I do and bought 1 of the 4 tickets we'll need.

I put a deposit down for Pop and he had me change it to CBR.

Now, tonight he ended up (because of my continual whining) sitting down with me and looking over our finances. I needed him to do this because he is a spender. Money just burns a hole in pocket even before it gets to his pocket. As for me, I'm the saver and it hasn't been happening due to Mr. Spender. Like I said, I needed him to see how his habit was affecting the savings.

He saw it all right! He got mad and told me to cancel the trip. Had the nerve to tell me I should have told him sooner. What? Have I not been saying to slow down on the spending? To pack lunches, to take coffee from home rather than stopping at 7-11 twice a day, that he doesn't need 20 shirts (seriously, he has at least 20 golf style shirts) and on and on...



I'll just be heartbroken if I don't see Mickey this year.

Thanks for letting me whine and if you have any extra pixie dust will you send it my way? I'm hoping he changes his mind.

 

[SamSam]

Sending pixie dust your way. Not sure what to tell you about DH. Since at one time he was agreeable to going to WDW, maybe you can just continue to 'hole away' money to pay for your trip without involving him too much.

 

[Amirah95]

I feel so sad for you. The airfare is non-refundable so you will have to go or you will lose out. Can you move your accomodations from CBR back to Pop Century? You run those by him to see if he budges. Good luck.

 

[SnoWhiteRabbit]

Sorry to hear your bad news...can you give him a bit of time to calm down and then discuss the decision? Tickets are paid for...How about downgrading, back to a value resort -- and watch for codes! But, like I said, do give him time first, before even bringing it up again...

Hope things work out...

 

[marydmjj]

Sending you good vibes and pixie dust. Maybe it was his first response to stress but once it settles in a bit he will change his mind. My DH and I had a doozy of a tiff the other night and his first response was "I don't even want to go to Disney World now". He's over it and was even helping make plans today.

 

[Esmerelda]

Do what I used to do...go without him with the kids! I worked just like he did...and it was ok for him to spend money on this fishing junk...boat....tournaments...but not for Disney! That got old to me fast....so we went without him.

As a matter of fact, our last 3 trips have been without him....I divorced him 5 years back..LOL (there was a lot more too it than this believe me) Smartest thing this ole broad ever did...


life is good,
Esmerelda

 

[carolsherman]

I agree I would go without hubby just you and the kids go and switch back to pop

have fun

 

[eeyore kelly]

go without hubby just you and the kids go and switch back to pop

ITA!!!

Think of the money you will save, less expensive hotel, one less ticket, one less mouth to feed, one less person to get souvies

Bring him back the stick for a Mickey Mouse Bar

All joking aside, if I was in your shoes, I would go.

 

[Ozymoe]

I wouldn't say anything for a week and see what happens. If nothing has changed by then I'd make plans to go without him too (but don't do it meanly or flaunt it in his face, just quietly say you're going to do this and you'd like it if he would change his mind and join you and the kids)..see if your mom wants to go...or a good friend if you don't want to go by yourself with the kids...but don't ask them for another 3 weeks because...

...lol...maybe if you just plan to go without him he will decide he wants to go too (and his ticket is already waiting for him).

Actually...you are ultimately the one who knows best what to do about this. There are probably several other things contributing to this friction...and you are the only one in the position to judge whether this trip to Disney (and the lost airfare) is worth the havoc it might create in your home life/marriage!

 

[ilovediznee]

I fully agree with the others; I'd go without him. My DH is a spender too and it is really going to be tight over the next few months with our daughter in preschool. BUT, I told him that we are not giving up our Disney 2005 trip, even if I have to take a PT job (I also work FT).

What sacrifices is he willing to make to go? If having coffee and clothes is more important, cut him out!

 

[crisi]

It seems to me that you and your husband have different financial priorities.

You want to save (and have been doing so) to get to Disney World. He would like to eat lunch out and be able to spend more casually day to day. From his point of view, why should you get what you want when he doesn't get what he wants?

At this point I think it would be a shame to cancel your trip - if only because you'd be out the non-refundable air. I agree with the advice to wait a week. Then sit down again to go over finances - what stays what goes in your budget. Put Disney on the table like everything else, with its cost. Then talk about the things you are willing to give up for this trip - and the things he is not willing to give up for this trip. But don't make the trip the center of the discussion. Talk about the priorities of each of your discretionary expenses - i.e. the trip will be a whole family thing, your kids will enjoy themselves, etc. But also the other things "I really enjoy playing golf with the guys, its my chance to see my friends which is very important to me." Then try and figure out what you are spending money on that isn't important to anyone. And how you can fit in the things that are most important to each of you. i.e. you might scale back to a Value or offsite for the trip - he might play golf once a month instead of every week - or play nine rather than eighteen.

I'm married to a spender as well. One of the things that has worked well for us in the past is having allowances. He can't spend outside his allowance, I can't spend outside mine. Since I'm a natural cheapskate, I tend to have money to do other things with (like treat us both to dinner, my sister took her husband to Europe on her leftover allowance - I think theirs were kind of large and he spends every penny of his) while he spends his. Then decide what to do with the joint money - with kids it can't be a case of "the money left over after we pay bills is allowance money" - so you will have a joint budget as well - most will probably pay bills and keep kids in clothes, but some may be able to go to a vacation fund, etc. You do need to spend some time defining what is joint funded and what is allowance funded. Dinner out as a family - joint. Dinner out for the two of us, one of us is treating. Clothes for the kids, joint. Clothes for me - allowance. His haircuts and comic books - allowance. Lunch at work and coffee at work - allowance. Groceries at home - joint. For a long time we had three checkbooks, mine, his and ours.

 

[don8life]

Why should the rest of the family suffer becasue hubby is a big spender. Tell him you are not cancelling the trip that he has to get an extra part time job to pay for it.

In my family the husbands don't tell the women anything unless they want a foot up their you know what.

 

[Amirah95]

Do you feel comfortable going to WDW alone with your children? If so, then great but if not then I think you should let him cool off and then try talking to him again. Don't just stay "forget about him" and just leave off to WDW...do all you can and if he doesn't budge then make your decision. I don't like to go on vacation without my DH or my DD because it's just not the same without them so if this is the case with you then try to work it out because after all you do have the airplane tickets already.

 

[HappyLawyer]

well there are two grown ups in the marriage and he cannot tell you to cancel the trip he should have taken a different and more mature approach. now we all know how our husbands can be but i would address the issue, maybe i don't think it was unreasonable to ask him to slow down, i personally am a bit stubbron and i would go without my husband, but he would never put me in a situation. please don't follow my advise cuz i can be difficult-lol let him cool off and just let him know u don't want to cancel the trip-it will work out

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

crisi, has the right idea IMHO. Every once in a while I have a great idea and one of my best was when my spendthrift hubby retired and I did up the new budget I put a certain amount in for each of us each month. When he buys handfuls of lottery tickets or otherwise spends 'his' money in a way that used to drive me nuts it does not bother me anymore. I spend mine on the grandkids and will even have enough left over to buy myself a new computer for Christmas. Has cut down on the stress greatly.

You did not mention if you work outside the home (I do not but sure do plenty in home) but that could be a problem if he feels that since he earns the money it is his. That is a whole other story.

I hope things work out for you. Money is the number one fight that couples have. Having a common goal and allowing for a bit for each other is a good way to deal with it IMHO.

SG/Linda

 

[mad4themouse]

Belle,
I'm sorry to hear that your DH reacted that way to your financial counseling. It may just be a knee-jerk reaction and he may change his mind once he calms down. Fortunately, the children didn't know about the trip. It would be so much harder to handle their disappointment on top of your own!

A few things that you can consider would be to change back to a value resort. Chances are, that codes will be announced after August 28 for the months of October and perhaps November as well. That should help the budget a bit. Also, consider some budget meals while you're in WDW. Even bringing a small cooler and having breakfast in your room can be a real savings.

If it still appears that you're not going to be able to handle it financially in October, you can cancel your room and get the deposit back. Then cancel your flights and use the credit for a future trip. The tickets are non-refundable but they can be changed for another trip. There will be penalty fees involved but you won't pay them until you use the credit. You will need to use them within a certain time frame (for USAir, I believe it has to be within a year). The one park hopper pass that you bought shouldn't expire, so it will be good whenever you go. Delaying the trip might give you a chance to save up and purchase a second or even third pass.

I really hope that your DH changes his mind. This should be a family trip to be enjoyed by all of you. Take the time to re-work the numbers and show them to him next week. Perhaps you can demonstrate to him that there's still a way to swing this with more than a month to go before your trip if the two of you tighten your belts and work at it together. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[Amirah95]

I agree with mad4themouse. Work it out!!!

 

[dgaston]

SWA has a great cancellation policy. While the fares are non-refundable, you get travel funds for use on future SWA flights that are good for one year. Also be sure to check SWA Tuesday to Thursday each week, when they run specials. I was able to find fares for $49 one-way from Providence to Orlando in October. Last year I spent about $220 per ticket, so there may be a little bit of savings that could sway your husband too. Although $436 for airfare sounds great!

 

[TINK61]

Good Luck. Hope you get to go. Explain that non-refundable money has already been spent and it would be foolish to loose out on that. Furthermore, is it reasonable or fair to put on the brakes when it's you who wants to splurge, when he has been splurging in the past for his wants? I'm not trying to ignite WWIII here, but my DH does not like to travel. The last two trips we went w/o him. This time we've talked him into coming because although he has been to WDW, he's never been to US/IOA and we know he'll love it. But he says I don't have my priorities straight. I tell him my priorities are right where I want them to be.

 

[Esmerelda]

Amen Tink61.....atta girl.....