DH got mad - **UPDATE pg 3**

[Shelle&Dave]

I can totally sympathize! My DFiance is a spender too. We've been living together for a year and he is so bad with money that I don't know how he managed to live by himself! If there's money in his pocket it's gone within a day or two. I am trying so hard to save for our trip and sometimes it looks like he isn't even trying. He says he wants to go and we will have enough money and I'm worrying too much! Well someone has to worry! I get very frustrated and depressed sometimes.

I agree with a couple previous posters...I think after your DH calms down you will both be able to sit down and work it out.

We were in the grocery store yesterday and DF says, "I'm looking forward to our trip, but I will be glad when it's over. Then I can spend money and not have to worry about it just like before we started planning the trip." OMG! This man will never get it will he? I tried to put us on a budget before we started planning for the trip and he kept messing it up! Actually, this trip has been the only way I have found to curb his stupid spending. Every time he wants to spend money on something stupid I tell him I need that money for Disney. I do leave him with spending money for the week, but he spends it all in the first 2 days!

Good luck and I'm sure you will figure out a way to make it work. He may be cranky about it now, but he will enjoy himself while you are at Disney. And you better get a big thank you for doing all of the planning work!

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I'm a saver who used to be married to a spender, so I feel your pain. After we got divorced (not because of his spending habits, lol), I was finally able to save up more than enough money to take dd3 and I on a trip.

Good luck!

 

[GoofItUp]

mad4themouse (as usual) has given some great advice. You are definitely the budget person, so why not put down on paper HOW you can still go on the trip, then present it to your DH after he cools off. Maybe after he sees that it's still possible (if it is), then he'll be more receptive to it. Good luck!

 

[septbride2002]

I would wait a day or so for him and yourself to calm down. I would then say that you would like to discuss this matter further - that you have been saving this money and have already purchased the airline tickets and so forth. Not to mention that you are really looking forward to this trip and have been planning it for awhile and would like to go. As long as you can truly afford to go then I say go. But you and your DH need to agree to a budget now and for when the trip is over.

~Amanda

 

[CheapMom]

Don't go without him. It is obvious that he wants to go. I think it would be bad for your marriage to plan a trip as a family and then kick him out of the plan because of his spending or an arguement... Trim all the fat out of your wdw budget (ie, switch back to POP or offsite)
Let the dust settle on this arguement you guys had.

My guess is that he was being defensive about his financial behavior so he decided to react by saying cancel the trip- Knowing that this is important to you.

To me - flushing $400 in airfare down the toilet is not an option.

Good luck- I hope you all go and have a wonderfull time and I hope your $$$ are resolved soon.

 

[Amirah95]

Thank you Cheap Mom...I'm glad you don't think it's a good idea that she go without her DH. My DH gets hard-headed sometimes too, just as I do, but we always find ways to work it out. Make a compromise.

 

[Rhongepooh]

I know , I know be and my hubby have been going through almost the same thing. We're going in October when the girls and I have fall break in October. I told him that every year I NEED a vacation because we live around ALL of BOTH families and that's MY week to be a break. He works weekends off so he gets plenty of time away. He was all into the whole "This is my vacation to and I don't want to go from 6:00 in the morning till 12:00 at night the whole week and I had planned WAY too much. " So being the compromising wife I am I started looking for hotels with free shuttle service so if he wanted to sleep late or go back to the pool for part of the day he could and we could still enjoy doing like me and the girls want to. His latest thing is "I want this to be a "family vacation" and I don't want ya'll at the park and me trying to find you ( we have a great set of those walkie-talkies like they rent at disney). So I finally said, "Look, me and the girls are going and going to have fun. If you don't want to go fine just give me the money that you planned on spending and the three of us will go alone!" men, men , men

 

[RobinMarie]

Just wanna say....

I just came back from a BUDGET vacation ... just me and my 7 yo dd. It was fabulous, I might never take him again.

No kennel costs
No airport parking costs
We ate on the run and didn't have to sit down 3 times a day to eat.
No airfare for him
No worries about house sitting

Good luck on your planning, I hope it happens for you! The following article was in my mailbox this morning from the Dollar Stretcher. Perhaps this might work for you?

"Family Finances without a Fight
by Marianne Giullian
A financial solution that helps to keep the peace

Finances can be a major source of contention in a marriage.
There is a simple solution to this problem that can help both
sides be happy.

We have set up two checking accounts with both of our names on
each account. Each of us is in charge of one of the accounts.
This way, we both participate in the management of the
finances. Next, we divide the categories of our budget. We
figure out how much we spend in each area and then plan out
how much should go into each account depending on who has that
stewardship.

Example:

Husband

Gas___________100
Utilities_____200
Mortgage_____1200
Newspaper______10
Insurance_____150
Personal_______50

Total: 1710

Wife

Food__________500
Gifts__________50
Household______75
Misc._________100
Music Lessons__75
Personal_______50

Total: 850

When we get paid each month, we put the amount needed in each
account. We get to keep any remaining money in our accounts,
which provides incentive to be wise. Too many times women want
all the extra income and it is important to treat your husband
like you would like to be treated. If a husband likes to have
control over the finances, he should remember to treat his
wife like he would like to be treated and hand over part of
the responsibility, so she can also have some financial
freedom without having to ask him for everything or answer to
him for how she spends the money. We agreed that as long as
you stay in your budget each month, your partner can't
complain about how the money is spent.

We have found this system to be very effective. I love knowing
that I get to keep any money that is left over to spend or
save as I wish and my husband has the same opportunity. If I
write bills that are under his stewardship, then I use the
checkbook for bills with his permission since it is his
stewardship. If he goes shopping, he buys only what I ask for
and does not take any liberties with my checkbook. Each of us
always has access to a checkbook, so we never have to worry
about unrecorded checks from someone else. We also use
duplicate checks, so we can record them in the register at a
later period of time if we want to. When there is extra money
earned, we each get 10% of it and then we split up the rest
depending on how we want to distribute it.

Since he is the breadwinner, I often end up watching the kids
more if he does extra work. By giving each of us 10%, it is
easier for me to support the extra hours he works since I also
benefit from it. If I want to pay an extra $200 on the house,
then he chooses where he would like to put $200 whether it is
in savings or maybe a new lawn mower. If he wants a computer
for $1500, then I also get to choose where I would like to put
$1500, whether it is on clothes or savings or maybe a summer
vacation. He is a wise saver and I am a wise spender, but we
both work together towards a common goal of making our family
as comfortable as possible no matter how much our income may
be."





Dollar Stretcher

 

[Kendra17]

I really would want my husband to go, too.

What about a budget hotel offsite? This could save you hundreds. Obviously it's not as nice, but it really is only for sleeping, a pool is a pool, and it is better than no WDW at all

The only thing you'll have to buy, then, are the other three tickets.

I know this itself is costly.

 

[dtuleya]

Oh Michelle, I feel so bad for you. I know how how stressful it can be to have different views about money. DH still looks at what he grosses a year and feels that we should be living high on the hog! Never mind about those silly little deductions like income taxes and benefits.

I agree to let L have some time to calm down so that you two can talk about it at a later time. Give him some time to think and see you're trying plan your financial future.

Hope everything works out for you and you don't have to cancel your trip.



Back up a huge ole dump truck of pixie dust for ya!

 

[pilgrimage]

How about offsite via priceline? You can get a room for as little as $27 per night (go to biddingfortravel.com). Also try entertainment.com for discount books. Restaurant.com has gift certificates for low priced meals.

You'll find a win =win solution.

 

[dopeyfanatic]

I have a similar problem. My problem is that my DH will go out to eat all the time and not pay attention to whether or not we have the money. A couple times I've actually taken his atm card away from him, and I've come close a few more. What we have found works for us is he gets a certain amount of money in CASH. He can't get into the bank to get more. When his money is gone, it's gone. He can spend it in one day or 5 days. It's up to him. When he works overtime we split the money 60-40. I get 60% towards whatever I want, he gets the rest for what he wants. This way we both work towards saving money. You might offer your husband some money to save for something for just him since I'm sure you want this vacation more than he does. Maybe that way he'd feel like he was working towards something for himself also. It works with us. My DH doesn't care what I use my money on as long as he gets his share of the money!

 

[Shelle&Dave]

Belle, how's it going? Did he calm down at all yesterday? Hopefully after he thinks about it for awhile and realizes there is a problem he will be willing to sit down and figure out a solution.

My DF needs a good dose of reality every once in a while too. He gets a little cranky about it, but after a day or two of thinking about it he will come to me and ask what he can do. I couldn't imagine walking around every day not even knowing how much the bills are and spending money on whatever I want. Maybe I did that when I lived with my parents, but I couldn't do that now! Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his fiancee! But I still love him, even though he is not perfect.

Let us know how you are doing. We're all waiting to break out the best budget tips to help you out on your trip!

 

[Esmerelda]

Maybe I misread the OP thoughts. I got the impression that her husband DOESN'T want to go...that's why I said go without him.

Its not anything horrible for a marriage for two folks that don't wish to be at the same place at the same time to be separated for a week or so. As a matter of fact, in my case years ago, it did a world of good. My ex-husband whined about everything at Disney (because he didn't want to go...) Everything was too expensive (he makes 75K year ), the weather was too hot...it rained too much...there was too much walking...the waits were too long...etc. He whined the entire trip and ruined it for all 4 of us so I decided never again. The next trip was the 3 of us..and we had a SUPER time. There was no whining...we did as we pleased...we planned ahead...and had the best vacation ever. (even my boys agreed!) We have sinced vacation 4 more times (after I divorced) and we have had super trips! (2 were cruises)

Don't misunderstand my post..I'm not saying divorce is the OP answer. I'm just saying, I've been in her shoes and its not fun. I'm glad I handled it the way I did. It worked out better for all involved as far as Disney. The average person spends waaay too much money to go there and be miserable and that's what we were that first time. I can't see myself saving up the money that it takes to do Disney just to be unhappy with a spouse/boyfriend the whole trip....its not worth it. Disney is all about fun and being a kid again!

just my 2cents,
Esmerelda

 

[punkin]

I agree with esmerelda. If he is throwing a fit-go without him. How come he gets to spend with reckless abandon and you have to give up a trip for which you actually saved? He sounds like a big baby-if he can't play then neither can you. I say leave him home-he's already had his fun. You go without him.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

In the first few years of my marriage, to a much older man, I was compliant and tried to be a 'good' wife. He dug us into a hole so big that it would take a fire ladder to dig out. Luckily he noticed that I was much better with money than he was. (One time I found out that he had several bad check charges on his bank statement and had been doing so for years so I asked him how he kept his check register. His answer was that he put his check in and wrote checks until he 'thought' it was gone (sigh) The bank was getting a big chunk of his check each week and sure did not care. After I took over I was able to get us out of debt and we are now retired with everything paid for and some savings (not as much as we could have had). Through the years he handed over everything that I could do better to me, now the only left that he does for himself is breath and if he could figure out a way to get out of that he would.

On the good side, he does not mind how many times we go to WDW or how long we stay. It is my job to figure out where the money is coming from though. He also does not cheat, beat on me or anything. Would take far too much effort. LOL

Slightly Goofy

 

[Amirah95]

Slightly Goofy,

My DH says that it's my job to handle the money in the household, make all doctors appointments, plan trips, etc. and I agree with him because if I left it up to him we would be in a big mess. We had came to an agreement after the first two years of our marriage that we both have to agree on the purchases of anything over $100. After 22 years of marriage...it's going well. He gives me his paycheck and he keeps $100 per week of it for his gas, lunch or whatever he wants. With the rest I pay the bills and save. And I do the same with my paycheck. My DH doesn't like the thought of us having two separate accounts and I don't either for many reasons. Although, I do have a separate account that he doesn't know about with BOTH of our names on it. When we retire he will be amazed at how much money we've saved without even knowing. I say make a compromise. My DH doesn't like to talk to much about anything either, but communication is key in all relationships. You have to do what you have to do.

It's nice to see it worked out for you! I don't like the idea of divorce. I hate that word.

 

[HenDuck]

You have already gotten a lot of great advice here, but I'll just add my 2 cents since I too am married to a spender.

We have gone to marriage counseling and have discussed the whole money issue. The thing is, both spouses have to understand not only their spouse's money issues, but also their own.

I am a control freak and need to feel secure about my money and my future. My husband has no discipline and cannot control his actions today in order to have a better tomorrow. (These are things we both owned up to in counseling).

You can see how we are 180 degrees apart in how we view money. But going through counseling has helped us both move more toward the middle and understand each other's perspectives.

Through counseling, my husband has agreed to look at the budget, commit to contributing his "share", and to be open to discussing and planning how we spend our money. I have agreed not to nag him about his income and have promised to learn to deal with uncertainty.

It is HARD on both of us, but we love each other and we want to make our marriage work.

Counseling has really helped us to defuse the emotional ties we have to our money enough to be able to make financial plans together. We still struggle, but we have come a loooong way!

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

I hope that you and your DH can work it out.

Aloha!



(p.s. We went to counseling to deal with a lot of other issues too, still in progress...)

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

HenDuck, if we all judged our marriages by some sort of 'set in stone' rules everyone would be getting divorced. Ya gotta work with what you got, whether male or female. LOL If you can get your husband to participate in counselling it sounds like you both have it made. Communication is the key to any relationship.

Amirah95, so much of what you said applies to us as well. I am deeply grateful to my dh for having the bravery to be willing admit that he was not doing a good job and the trust he has given me in allowing me to take things over. Just wish he would do 'something'. (sigh) He has never wanted to know how much we have in the bank as he would want to spend every cent but he has been grateful now that he is retired cause everything is paid for and he does not have to flip burgers or something for more income in his dotage. LOL BTW, divorce is not an option here, murder has been discussed. (grin)

Congratulations on your surprise bank account. Wish I could be there to see his face when you reveal it. He is one lucky guy and I bet he knows it.

If you trade one problem in you just might find yourself in a bigger mess. Better the devil you know etc.

Slightly Goofy

 

[Tiggerlover91]

So how's it going? What'd you decide to do?