DH and I are not agreeing on wedding present amount

[clh2]

We are going to a wedding next week - in the Rockies. We are extending this into a vacation. Why not - Denver is on our list of places we want to visit at least once anyways!

The bride-to-be is on his side of the family. So - his opinion gets a little bit higher weight on the topic. (And likewise - I get a stronger opinion on my side of the family.)

Our week - is costing about $1300 or more, when everything is said and done (airfare, hotels, car rental, meals, new outfit and a pedi for me etc, but not including the wedding gift.) I do not know if the cost of the trip (or the upcoming college tuition is due on 8/1) is why DH is being firm on his idea of the gift amount.

We are about $50 apart on what we feel is the amount we should give the bride and groom. I want the higher amount, since there wasn't a shower for the bride. (The bride and groom are currently living in England - or I would just send a shower-like gift; something fun from a registry whether there was a shower or not in addition to the wedding gift.)

Out of my husbands family - (he is one of 8 kids) this family is my favorite. This family is always generous to our daughter. AND - when we had DD's grad party last year - the help from this family with our party was awesome - as my SIL had BTDT 4-times with her girls.

So - in typing this out - I think I have solved the problem - I just need to explain the "no-shower" gift for this bride maybe then he will see the light!

And - in in the whole scheme of things - life is pretty good if this is our biggest problem.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Just spell out what you think but really there's no reason to bicker over it (not saying you are, just that it shouldn't come to that.) Couldn't you split the difference?

 

[clh2]

Just spell out what you think but really there's no reason to bicker over it (not saying you are, just that it shouldn't come to that.) Couldn't you split the difference?

We are not bickering. For us - I can't even remember when we didn't agree on something money-related.

I do not want to split the difference - because it would seem "more odd" to give a wedding gift that ends in $75 than one that ends in $50 or an even "hundred" amount.

 

[chris31997]

So, $XXX is the wedding gift and $50 is the shower gift. Problem solved

To save trees just gonna give one check/Money Order.

Because they are currently living in England, assuming going back there, you could say the extra 50 is to account for exchanging the money

 

[irishsharon]

So, $XXX is the wedding gift and $50 is the shower gift. Problem solved

To save trees just gonna give one check/Money Order.

Because they are currently living in England, assuming going back there, you could say the extra 50 is to account for exchanging the money

 

[mrsklamc]

We give a standard amount based on how well we know the person, wedding location and whether we decide to travel to the wedding should not be a factor in our gift giving IMO.

 

[Narnia_girl]

We have three kids and drive, but a week in Colorado usually costs us $2000, so if you can go for $1300 I think you are doing well!

Slightly off topic, but if you can swing it, try to head north a couple of days and see Rocky Mountain National Park.

 

[NHTikiBeckie]

Based on what you have said, the higher amount seems fair. No shower and they are good to your family, etc. I also do not include travel costs as a factor with the gift amount.

 

[brertoad]

My cousin got married last month, we gifted $100 for the wedding and I gifted $30 gift card for the bridal shower. His younger brother got married maybe 1 year and a half earlier, but we didn't go to the wedding because it was out of state, so on the night of the recent wedding, my DH gave a card w/$100 check to my other cousin as well, so both brothers were gifted, even though the one was belated. Funny thing, we bought their wedding card 1.5 years ago and I was going to mail the gift and didn't have their address.

With the wedding last month, I know the bride's parents spent A LOT on the wedding. Which makes me feel a little bad, but I can't afford to overcompensate and gift more. Money is tight right now. I'm sure the gift isn't a drop in the bucket, but the gift goes to the bride and groom. If my cousin and his bride to be were paying for it, I expect it would have been a much cheaper wedding.

 

[disneychrista]

I know the bride's parents spent A LOT on the wedding. Which makes me feel a little bad, but I can't afford to overcompensate and gift more.

I have never understood the more expensive the wedding the more "gift" you give the bride & groom. Why does that matter? I mean they are choosing to spend the money for THEIR wedding.

 

[clh2]

We have three kids and drive, but a week in Colorado usually costs us $2000, so if you can go for $1300 I think you are doing well!

Slightly off topic, but if you can swing it, try to head north a couple of days and see Rocky Mountain National Park.

Actually -I forgot to include the cost of the dog-sitter - so we are now up a bit from the $1300. We cashed in some points for one hotel night, and a great deal on the car rental, in part due to DH's company discount, as well as getting a free day due to some of his recent work travel. And - there are only 2 of us, since DD was not able to get off of work. We are only gone for 4- nights, and that helps to as far as keeping the cost down.

Now - to your point - the wedding is actually at the YMCA at Estes Park - so 2 of our nights will be right at the RMNP. The bride actually wants to go hiking after the wedding (i.e. in her dress..) along with the guests. I'll probably go help my SIL - if anything needs to be done prior to the reception starting! I'm not a hiker...let alone in sandals and something I am wearing to a wedding.

 

[dizcrazy]

When giving gifts, I always err on the side of overly generous, rather than going with the lower amount to save a few bucks. Since you can afford it and his family is generous and helpful to you and your DD, I vote for the extra $50.

(and the point about the shower is a good one!)

 

[Narnia_girl]

Actually -I forgot to include the cost of the dog-sitter - so we are now up a bit from the $1300. We watched cashed in some points for one hotel night, and a great deal on the car rental, in part due to DH's company discount, as well as getting a free day due to some of his recent work travel. And - there are only 2 of us, since DD was not able to get off of work. We are only gone for 4- nights, and that helps to as far as keeping the cost down.

Now - to your point - the wedding is actually at the YMCA at Estes Park - so 2 of our nights will be right at the RMNP. The bride actually wants to go hiking after the wedding (i.e. in her dress..) along with the guests. I'll probably go help my SIL - if anything needs to be done prior to the reception starting! I'm not a hiker...let alone in sandals and something I am wearing to a wedding.

Love, love, love YMCA of the Rockies. It's not a plush resort but it is gorgeous and so family friendly!! If she wants to hike in her dress (and you in sandals) I hope she chooses Bear Lake Trail (paved, short and stunning!) or Sprague Lake. Have fun!

 

[brertoad]

I have never understood the more expensive the wedding the more "gift" you give the bride & groom. Why does that matter? I mean they are choosing to spend the money for THEIR wedding.

The wedding cost at least $175 per person for the meal, and there was an open bar. I wasn't even able to attend because of our ailing dog, but my husband went. At the very least, my husband going cost them $200 minimum... if you see what I'm saying.

I had to deal with conflicting feelings of wanting to be equitable, but that isn't possible. I agree, that it isn't the guests responsibility to fund the wedding. Like I said, I can't afford to overcompensate. AND I also said the parents were paying it, not the bride and groom.

Also, because his brother got married before him, and we didn't gift him yet, I had to also provide a card and gift to my younger cousin as well to be fair and equitable, we just gifted each couple $100.

 

[disneychrista]

The wedding cost at least $175 per person for the meal, and there was an open bar. I wasn't even able to attend because of our ailing dog, but my husband went. At the very least, my husband going cost them $200 minimum... if you see what I'm saying.

And, again, what does it matter what they are choosing to spend on the wedding? So if it was only costing "them" $50 for your husband would you feel that you should give less? Why does it matter?

 

[ICF]

And, again, what does it matter what they are choosing to spend on the wedding?

It shouldn't, IMO.....we give based on our relationship with the Bride and / or Groom....not the cost of the reception that they had.

 

[brertoad]

And, again, what does it matter what they are choosing to spend on the wedding? So if it was only costing "them" $50 for your husband would you feel that you should give less? Why does it matter?

I don't think you are seeing it as an issue. I think there is some pressure when there is a lavish wedding to give more, I'm not saying that is right, I don't believe it is right to expect more because you choose to spend more on your wedding. But it comes down to - I don't want to look cheap. When someone spends $50k on a wedding, $100 is nothing. That's pretty much what it comes down to isn't it? Not wanting to look bad or be talked about behind your back. As the saying goes "Those that mind - don't matter, and those that matter - don't mind".

We have to do what we feel comfortable doing. It did not make a difference, I did not change my gift amount because of it, it is a moot point. I would have gifted the same amount if they spent less, I had mentioned that his brother had a wedding we didn't attend, and he received the same gift.

 

[okeydokey]

The wedding cost at least $175 per person for the meal, and there was an open bar. I wasn't even able to attend because of our ailing dog, but my husband went. At the very least, my husband going cost them $200 minimum... if you see what I'm saying.

I had to deal with conflicting feelings of wanting to be equitable, but that isn't possible. I agree, that it isn't the guests responsibility to fund the wedding. Like I said, I can't afford to overcompensate. AND I also said the parents were paying it, not the bride and groom.

Also, because his brother got married before him, and we didn't gift him yet, I had to also provide a card and gift to my younger cousin as well to be fair and equitable, we just gifted each couple $100.

No, I don't understand. It wasn't your husbands decision for them to throw a 200 per person wedding. I assume they could afford an expensive wedding and they chose to have one. The gift should not be dictated by how fancy the wedding was, but by the finances of the gifter and the relationship between the gifter and the couple getting married.

And anyone that talk about you behind your back because you "only" gave 100 is someone I would not want in my life.

 

[disneychrista]

As the saying goes "Those that mind - don't matter, and those that matter - don't mind".

Exactly. I can see where you are coming from but it shouldn't matter what you give. One shouldn't feel pressured to give more because the bride & groom decided they needed to spend a ridiculous amount on the wedding.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

I think it just depends on the couple. Some are out to recoup the cost of the wedding and I think some get so caught up in the planning they don't realize how much it will cost their guests. It can get easy to almost price out your guests from a wedding if you start figuring in any new clothes the guest might get (which yes isn't the couples issue but a consideration for the guest who might feel their current dress/suit isn't right for the venue), travel, accommodations then get into gifting, at a certain point you have to figure some guests are going to say "I love you and want to celebrate with you, but I just can't afford it". As far as the cost of the wedding, I have to agree to a point about the couple choosing to have a lavish wedding doesn't mean they should expect to earn back what they spend. If money is an issue for the newlyweds, they can choose to have a smaller or less lavish wedding, or if the parents are paying they should be able to address it with them like "mom and Dad, we really appreciate that you're willing to spend the money for this wedding but we don't NEED a ice sculpture that pees mimosas, we need money to furnish our house", it shouldn't be the guests responsibility to provide for the couple, it should be a gift.