Destructive son.....why?

[LisaR]

DS just turned 8. He is honestly one of the nicest little boys around. Well mannered, thoughtful, kind, etc. However, he ruins his toys all the time and doesn't seem to care. He has done this since he was a toddler. He does not have a huge amount of toys because so many have been taken away since he ruins them. He pulls the arms off his GI Joes, mutilates his Yu-Gi-Oh cards, crams silly putty into anything he can, etc. If the toy comes with any type of small part, he bends it and/or breaks it within a week.

He isn't a violent or hyper kid. He would never destroy something that belong to a friend. He never has a reason for what he has done except "I just wasn't thinking." We have tried every punishment we can think of. Tonight we removed every single toy he has from his bedroom. He is only allowed to play with toys out in the open where we can see him. Any idea why he would do this? Any idea on how to get him to be more responsible with his stuff? Of course, his DS (10) is a neat freak. She has toys that are 6 years old and in mint condition. They could not be any more opposite when it comes to this behavior.

Lisa

 

[Pop Daddy]

dont ya hate parents that have "good" kids

 

[LisaR]

dont ya hate parents that have "good" kids

Well, I wanted to throw that in there since I was about ready to kill him tonight. I needed to remind myself he really is a good kid ;-)

 

[cynsaun]

What about if you make him buy his own toys? I know that the things my girls buy with their own money are much more important to them.

Good luck!

 

[browneyes]

Some kids are just curious about how things work or how things are made. Is your ds creative? He might be a genius inventor in the making.

 

[Lars624]

Some kids are just curious about how things work or how things are made. Is your ds creative?

That's exactly what I was thinking......my cousin always took everything apart when he was a kid

 

[luvmydogs]

I think my ds9 is secretly living in your home!

Chris has *always* been the kind to take apart every little thing he's ever been given. It used to drive us absolutely insane, but then we just started to go with it. We never bought him a lot of toys, and always told him if he ruined something we wouldn't replace it, and he'd end up finding clever ways to entertain himself. One day when he was 7, I walked in his room and he had all his sports trophies hanging from the ceiling using just dental floss and toothpicks. Normally, I would've said, "Why can't you just play with army men like all your friends do?" but I was actually amazed at the engineering of it all. I stopped caring as long as he wasn't using other people's things, and wasn't destroying our home.

If it's any consolation he's a straight A student--real analytical and focused. He'll be 10 this week, and stopped destroying all his things a couple of years ago, though. Now, if it doesn't have anything to do with sports, he doesn't care about it.

 

[cstraub]

What's wrong with destroying his things? Really all you are buying when you buy toys are memories. Kind of like a vacation- you spend a lot of money but you walk away with nothing but great memories. If that is the way he wants to "play" with his things then I say let him! If you know he is going to destroy his things then why not buy him less expensive things that he can take apart without you getting upset. Have you tried buying him toys that are supposed to be taken apart such as legos, blocks or an erector set? Legos are nearly indestructible!

I am forever buying my DS8 lego sets that he ends up putting together and then he destroys them. At first it bothered me becasue they are expensive but like I said earlier, you have to realize your paying for them to have happy memeories with their toys not the actual toy. He ends up making all kinds of things out of them which he finds fun. My DS13 always kept his legos sets in perfect order without one out of place. He still has some of the sets on display in his room from when he was 8!

Bottom line. All kids play and explore differently. I don't think I would stop my child from destroying his things as long as they are his.

Your son probably has a very high IQ.

My husband has an extremley high IQ. He mother told me once that he took apart a whole kitchen table when he was young!!!

Hope this helps! I'm sure he'll grow out of it. Just keep in mind..... Do you want your son to have great memories about playing with his toys or not so great memories of him having to be watched while he plays and scolded all the time for "playing" wrong.

 

[SherryNC]

My little brother was the sweetest kid, but he went through a stage like that. It drove my mom up a wall, especially when she tried to talk to him about it and he had no real reason why. He stopped, but we never really figured that one out. I just feel like saying now, "I love you, Michael".

 

[phamton]

One of my 5 kids was just like that. We even bought him a t-shirt when he was toddler that said "Homewrecker."

He turned out to have a genius IQ (160 IQ). Kind of an embarrassing story, but when he was 3, he got into a box of tampons (the kind with the cardboard applicator.) I thought I might have a pervert on my hand. Turns out he thought the cardboard applicators would make a great rocket launcher and had removed the tampons from several applicators trying to figure out how to make a rocket out of the applicators.

He had a twin sister and all her dolls were horribly mutilated by her twin brother (the homewrecker). His older sister hid all her valuables--smart girl.

 

[luvthatduke]

snip... One day when he was 7, I walked in his room and he had all his sports trophies hanging from the ceiling using just dental floss and toothpicks. Normally, I would've said, "Why can't you just play with army men like all your friends do?" but I was actually amazed at the engineering of it all. I stopped caring as long as he wasn't using other people's things, and wasn't destroying our home.

Oh my gosh, first I laughed out loud, then I realized this
is my 2 year old in a few years!!
Glad to know we're not the only parents around
with a boy that really thinks outside the box!

 

[luvmydogs]

Oh my gosh, first I laughed out loud, then I realized this
is my 2 year old in a few years!!
Glad to know we're not the only parents around
with a boy that really thinks outside the box!

Welcome to my world!

 

[LisaR]

What's wrong with destroying his things? Really all you are buying when you buy toys are memories. Kind of like a vacation- you spend a lot of money but you walk away with nothing but great memories. If that is the way he wants to "play" with his things then I say let him! If you know he is going to destroy his things then why not buy him less expensive things that he can take apart without you getting upset. Have you tried buying him toys that are supposed to be taken apart such as legos, blocks or an erector set? Legos are nearly indestructible!{Quote}

I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. There is plenty wrong with destroying things. Maybe we just aren't talking about the same thing. Your son can't possibly "destroy" Legos. He is putting them together and then taking them apart. That is what you are supposed to do with Lego's. They can still be used by him or someone else and I see nothing wrong with that. My son is ripping trading cards into pieces, cramming a pencil into his lightsaber so it can't be used, wedging silly putty into his Geo Safari, cutting up his army guys clothes, drawing in reading books, ripping puzzle pieces, etc. Every Star Wars action figure he has ever received he has broken the little lightsaber it comes with before the first day is over. He has an electric circuit kit that he loves but he cut two of the wires into a million little pieces so the kit doesn't work now. Those things are not acceptable in my house. He is destroying the toys to the point that they can not be used again by my DS or anyone else. They literally need to be thrown out. It doesn't matter to me if the toy cost $1 or $100. It still isn't acceptable.

We have made him pay for his own toys and it still doesn't matter. He doesn't seem to do it out of anger but he also doesn't seem to do it out of curiosity. He has done it while alone and while playing with other kids. He has toys that are meant to take apart and put back together. We have given him old phones and radios to take apart. He does it with his favorite toys and ones he doesn't care about. I've asked him if he is bored, upset, etc when he does these things and he says he is just fine.

He loves Yu-Gi-Oh and is a big time collector of the trading cards. He duels weekly with other kids. My sons cards are horrible looking. Nobody will trade with him. They are bent, ripped, twisted, etc. The kids always ask him why his cards look so bad. So, even peer pressure hasn't changed him.

Lisa

 

[minkydog]

My brother was like this and my sons are like this. Pencils just erupt in their hands! My husband, who had a "perfect" older sister, was in constant trouble as a kid for doing just stuff like you described. This is the difference between girls and boys. He probably doesn't mean to break the toys, but it is so darn interesting to figure out how the arms are put on, how the gears work, what would happen if (fill in the blank).

I think it's a good idea to limit is access to toys--only one toy at a time, put it back before ou get another one. Perhaps he needs toys that can be handled a lot, like wooden blocks or legoes. Or consider a box full of gadgets--wires, paper clips, batteries, little light bulbs & motors. He sounds like a bright boy who is trying to figure things out. Run with it!

 

[luvthatduke]

What's wrong with destroying his things? Really all you are buying when you buy toys are memories. Kind of like a vacation- you spend a lot of money but you walk away with nothing but great memories. If that is the way he wants to "play" with his things then I say let him! If you know he is going to destroy his things then why not buy him less expensive things that he can take apart without you getting upset. Have you tried buying him toys that are supposed to be taken apart such as legos, blocks or an erector set? Legos are nearly indestructible!{Quote}

I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. There is plenty wrong with destroying things. Maybe we just aren't talking about the same thing. Your son can't possibly "destroy" Legos. He is putting them together and then taking them apart. That is what you are supposed to do with Lego's. They can still be used by him or someone else and I see nothing wrong with that. My son is ripping trading cards into pieces, cramming a pencil into his lightsaber so it can't be used, wedging silly putty into his Geo Safari, cutting up his army guys clothes, drawing in reading books, ripping puzzle pieces, etc. Every Star Wars action figure he has ever received he has broken the little lightsaber it comes with before the first day is over. He has an electric circuit kit that he loves but he cut two of the wires into a million little pieces so the kit doesn't work now. Those things are not acceptable in my house. He is destroying the toys to the point that they can not be used again by my DS or anyone else. They literally need to be thrown out. It doesn't matter to me if the toy cost $1 or $100. It still isn't acceptable.

We have made him pay for his own toys and it still doesn't matter. He doesn't seem to do it out of anger but he also doesn't seem to do it out of curiosity. He has done it while alone and while playing with other kids. He has toys that are meant to take apart and put back together. We have given him old phones and radios to take apart. He does it with his favorite toys and ones he doesn't care about. I've asked him if he is bored, upset, etc when he does these things and he says he is just fine.

He loves Yu-Gi-Oh and is a big time collector of the trading cards. He duels weekly with other kids. My sons cards are horrible looking. Nobody will trade with him. They are bent, ripped, twisted, etc. The kids always ask him why his cards look so bad. So, even peer pressure hasn't changed him.

Lisa

Hi Lisa,
I did get a chuckle out of the thread, but I understand how
serious this is to you. I agree with you that condoning
a child to purposely destroy things is not a good thing,
especially as consistently as your son seems to do it.
I am concerned at your mention of cutting, ripping, shoving, etc.
While reading your first posts, especially your second,
I felt a twinge in my gut - can't put it any better than that -
that perhaps your son needs to speak to a professional?
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not an armchair psychologist!
I just get an image of violence from the words you use
to describe what he does with his toys.
I believe every word you wrote, and the fact that you can
see how he is with his friends things & you still see a problem,
leads me to think that maybe an objective outsider,
(someone who isn't Mom or Dad?) can elicit a reason from your son?
JMHO - blessings & a prayer for you!

eta: I'm also torn between the other posts, as DH just reminded
me that he & his brothers used to squash every last one of their
Hot Wheels cars in their dad's vice - even tho they knew what
was going to happen every time?

Just take my advice with a grain of salt...

 

[HTH]

Of course, his DS (10) is a neat freak. She has toys that are 6 years old and in mint condition.

Oh my goodness, she sounds just like me. Whenever something minor happens to any of my stuff, I get hysterical.

 

[LisaR]

that perhaps your son needs to speak to a professional?
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not an armchair psychologist!
I just get an image of violence from the words you use
to describe what he does with his toys.
..[/i]

Trust me, the thought has entered my mind. I keep thinking there must be a reason he does this and maybe a professional could tell me why. However, while the words I use to describe his behavior sound violent (cramming, shoving, etc) he doesn't seem to have a mean bone in his body. I have walked in on him when he was pulling something apart and 9 times out of 10 he honestly isn't even paying attention. He could be reading a book and have a trading card or action figure in his hand just bending it back and forth. It is almost like a bad habit that you aren't even aware that you are doing, KWIM? My dd caught him with the scissors cutting the wires to his electronic circuit kit today. She said he had music playing and he was singing along, happy as could be. He doesn't seem to be acting out in a violent way. He is not at all aggressive. He is driving me crazy!

Lisa

 

[poohandwendy]

Maybe it is just immaturity, a lack of self control? maybe he doesn't feel that he has enough control and takes it out on his things? (like he doesn't know how to deal with frustration?) I don;t know and I would hate to make a HUGE deal out of it without knowing why it is happening. Dwelling on it may just cause more frustration. Going by what you describe, I would just run it by your pediatrician and see what they say.

 

[cstraub]

What's wrong with destroying his things? Really all you are buying when you buy toys are memories. Kind of like a vacation- you spend a lot of money but you walk away with nothing but great memories. If that is the way he wants to "play" with his things then I say let him! If you know he is going to destroy his things then why not buy him less expensive things that he can take apart without you getting upset. Have you tried buying him toys that are supposed to be taken apart such as legos, blocks or an erector set? Legos are nearly indestructible!{Quote}

I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. There is plenty wrong with destroying things. Maybe we just aren't talking about the same thing. Your son can't possibly "destroy" Legos. He is putting them together and then taking them apart. That is what you are supposed to do with Lego's. They can still be used by him or someone else and I see nothing wrong with that. My son is ripping trading cards into pieces, cramming a pencil into his lightsaber so it can't be used, wedging silly putty into his Geo Safari, cutting up his army guys clothes, drawing in reading books, ripping puzzle pieces, etc. Every Star Wars action figure he has ever received he has broken the little lightsaber it comes with before the first day is over. He has an electric circuit kit that he loves but he cut two of the wires into a million little pieces so the kit doesn't work now. Those things are not acceptable in my house. He is destroying the toys to the point that they can not be used again by my DS or anyone else. They literally need to be thrown out. It doesn't matter to me if the toy cost $1 or $100. It still isn't acceptable.

We have made him pay for his own toys and it still doesn't matter. He doesn't seem to do it out of anger but he also doesn't seem to do it out of curiosity. He has done it while alone and while playing with other kids. He has toys that are meant to take apart and put back together. We have given him old phones and radios to take apart. He does it with his favorite toys and ones he doesn't care about. I've asked him if he is bored, upset, etc when he does these things and he says he is just fine.

He loves Yu-Gi-Oh and is a big time collector of the trading cards. He duels weekly with other kids. My sons cards are horrible looking. Nobody will trade with him. They are bent, ripped, twisted, etc. The kids always ask him why his cards look so bad. So, even peer pressure hasn't changed him.

Lisa

When I see a lego I paid $60 bucks for laying all over my sons room mixed with hundreds of pieces from other lego sets I consider it destroyed!!

Trust me, we have our share of bits of army guys, star wars figures and hot wheels in pieces. My son even loves to take the magnifying glass to all of it, especially on hot, sunny days. Don't even get me started on Yu Gi Oh cards! His are in piles. Most have been renamed with pen. I can soooooo relate but on a smaller scale.

I researched on the internet for just a minute about toy destroying and there did seem to ba a link to ADHD. They mentioned destruction and impulsivness. You may want to research that a bit. Hope this helps.

 

[EdiePA]

Okay, maybe this won't work for you, but it did for us. Why not buy things that he can take apart?? DS#1 (now age 22) destroyed every remote control we ever had. At the suggestion of a counselor, I started going to garage sales and purchasing things for him to "destroy" -- radios, TV sets, anything mechanical. It seemed to do the trick and other things weren't being taken apart.

Plus, he was found to have a high I.Q. and also some attention deficit/hyperactivity when we took him to the counselor for his behavior. With some behavior mod and a lot of love, we got him through these years.

Edie