Destination wedding dilemma - Update page 8

[QVCshopper]

Thanks everyone! This is why I love the budget board. I think Crisi summed up everything so well, and everyone else has had great advice, too. I will have a chat with her when we get together (she lives close to me), but I'd like to do it in person and maybe do a little more research, talk to my older brother, etc.

I don't mind traveling inside the US as long as the price isn't too out of hand, but I don't really understand the point as most of their families are within 2-3 hours driving distance (most probably within 30 minutes), and her friends are all from around here as well. Maybe she'll change her mind? I can hope!

Oh, and the $1-2k was going to be a gift if she stayed local to help cover the costs. But the more I think about it, I'm sure I'd be already paying for a shower, outfits for the kids to be in the wedding, etc., and it's probably too high of an amount anyway, and I really need the money to meet my insurance deductible for the birth of the baby.

 

[Miffy]

Before I read this post, I'd never heard of a destination wedding. That's how out of it I am! I thought getting married was about making a lifetime commitment to the person you love and having a celebration so that your friends and family could share in the joy. Spending gobs of money on a huge event--and expecting the guests to spend money on it, too (to get there, not to mention the gift)--is about a superficial show.

I hope that your sister has deep feelings for the guy she's marrying. That's what's important.

 

[fakereadhed]

Sorry if this offends anyone, but I really think weddings are getting out of control. The wedding is about you and your spouse making a commitment. It's great to celebrate with family and friends, but if you want to be married in Paris that's for you and your fiancée. Then come home and throw a reception for family and friends. I don't get asking loved ones, who will feel guilt if they can't afford it, to be in your extravagant wedding or attend a destination wedding. The wedding's not the important part- it's making a commitment to the one you love!!!

OK, rant over.

 

[robinb]

I don't mind traveling inside the US as long as the price isn't too out of hand, but I don't really understand the point as most of their families are within 2-3 hours driving distance, and her friends are all from around here as well. Maybe she'll change her mind? I can hope!

That's why she can't afford a local dream wedding. She would have to invite and pay for every single one of those people. If she has a destination wedding her guest list is cut and she has a super cool intimate trendy wedding that can impress her rich friends who can afford to go.

Good luck changing her mind {{hugs}}. I hope that she just hasn't thought it through yet and nothing is set in stone.

 

[ktlm]

That's why she can't afford a local dream wedding. She would have to invite and pay for every single one of those people. If she has a destination wedding her guest list is cut and she has a super cool intimate trendy wedding that can impress her rich friends who can afford to go..

Exactly, having been to some of the destination weddings- and actually I didn't mention before that my parents had a destination wedding decades ago for the same reason- I know the plan. If you have it in town, you must invite EVERYONE (including those 2-3 hour away people) or else feelings get hurt... and if her friends are snobby in addition to being rich, they might look down on a wedding and reception without all the frills (and if they do, then she should be looking for a new set of friends). If you go out of state, you can say that you are having a destination wedding and that it is going to be very small with only family and just a couple of friends- and that saves not only the expense, but the hurt feelings (or you can also say just immediate family and the wedding party if you can include all your close friends with a "role"). My Mom and Dad were a Vegas destination wedding. They were going to have a local wedding, but my Moms' parents didn't have much money back then, and my Dad's father who was a very social local businessman kept inviting more and more people and the whole thing was getting huge and out of hand and was going to cost way more than my Mom's family could afford. My Mom and Dad finally said we are eloping to Vegas and anyone who wants to book a trip and come with us is welcome. They had 16 people that went with them and my grandparents paid for the cute little chapel and for a nice dinner reception for the group. Funny, it was a very similar wedding to my friend that had about 15 with her.

What your sister doesn't want to do is invite everyone and just hope a bunch of people won't show. If her friends are really all rich, then she very likely would be paying for a big wedding at her destination. She needs to be sure to put out there that it is a very small wedding. Small intimate wedding at a destination far enough away to justify not inviting everyone, but in a place that has travel discounts and good rates for flights and hotels = gives you a way to save the bucks of a big wedding, but still look cool and trendy.

 

[bumbershoot]

Do what you're comfortable with. If I had enough time to come up with the money I'd be all over it. But we're travel junkies and our two kids already have passports and I've flown overseas with them before. It's definitely not for everyone though. I don't think I could miss my sisters wedding if I could find the money somehow to go.

Me, too. If I could, I would. If I couldn't, I wouldn't. Either way, it's no big deal, nothing to worry about. I guess where it seems the OP is is that she could afford to go, but would rather spend the money elsewhere, and that makes it hard. So...either go, or decide that the money going elsewhere means it's out of your budget and therefore you cannot afford it. Decision made.

Of course....your sister has no firm plans, you don't even know where she's thinking of having it. Is she even the one who told you about it? Given what you've said here about family dynamics and how little you said about the conversation where o learned of it, I can't help but wonder who told you. Her
plans aren't firm, you don't know how much money it will be, you haven't even mentioned when it would be (you used the word infant but that word can be used for a baby FAR beyond newborn), so to me there's just little need to stress yourself out about it. Go talk with her. she might just be dreaming.

...not to appease my spoiled sister.

How is she spoiled? How has the op said her sister is spoiled? She's got loans from college, no one else is paying for the wedding, etc. So she has dreams for her wedding...that doesn't make a person spoiled.

 

[QVCshopper]

Of course....your sister has no firm plans, you don't even know where she's thinking of having it. Is she even the one who told you about it? Given what you've said here about family dynamics and how little you said about the conversation where o learned of it, I can't help but wonder who told you. Her plans aren't firm, you don't know how much money it will be, you haven't even mentioned when it would be (you used the word infant but that word can be used for a baby FAR beyond newborn), so to me there's just little need to stress yourself out about it. Go talk with her. she might just be dreaming.

My sister told me herself, after she met with travel agents this weekend. She is thinking Dominican Republic or Punta Cana, or perhaps St. Thomas. The first two need passports, so $650, plus airfare and hotel/food for 4 people. I think the amount I guessed is probably close, but you're right, I'm not sure yet. I am going off of her friend, who spent $1500 for just herself last year. Like I said, I have to do more research. She's thinking next spring, so the baby will be 1 at that point, and I'll have to take the kids out of school.

 

[QVCshopper]

Back for an update. I had my baby girl, and she is great. And, my sister is going ahead with the destination wedding. She is choosing Beaches Negril in Jamaica, which I've heard is fairly expensive from a recent thread on the DIS, in May 2013. My DH priced out a trip for the five of us and it was $6k, not including airfare or passports, because we apparently need a suite with now with the baby. Not sure if we can get a discount or maybe do something else with the rooms. My sister is booking next month because it has to be only one year out, so I'll know more then.

That said, I'm still upset about this situation. I think it does come down to the fact that I put myself through college, while my parents paid for my younger two sisters. I would never ask anyone to spend this kind of money to come to my affair. I've worked so hard for everything and I don't see this as fair.

And, I get that people say that those who host destination weddings are okay with people not coming, but my mom said my sister cries to her about how her family is not supporting her on her wedding choice. And then my DD7 was begging to be my sister's flower girl, and my sister didn't say anything, like ignored her, so I had to say we'll see, etc. I just feel so bad about the whole situation. And when I mentioned just me or me, DH, and baby going to my sister, it didn't seem like it was good enough without my DD7 and DS6.

I'm going to price it out once the wedding is booked, but my DH is basically saying we're not going unless it costs much less. I'd have to work 6 months from home to pay for it; and working one armed while nursing and staying up until midnight while getting up with a baby--it's not easy! I think it just comes down to the fact that my sister and I are in very different places in life right now...

 

[maggiew]

Too bad your sister didn't pick St. Thomas so you didn't need a passport. Did she look closer to home like Ft. Lauderdale or Miami or something like that? I saw a beautiful wedding on a beach in Miami on one of those Wedding Shows on TV.

Can you stay elsewhere besides Beaches Negril? Are there other hotels around that might be cheaper? I've been to Jamaica, but just on a cruise so I am not sure. But a regular hotel might be a lot cheaper than an all-inclusive place like Beaches.

I guess I would also minimize the nights you need to stay to keep the cost down? It seems ashame to go all that way and stay only a couple nights, but maybe that is the only way to swing it??

I know how torn you must be. You want to celebrate with your sister,but that is a lot of money to spend to be in someone else's wedding.

Personally I am not a fan of destination weddings as I think it causes a lot of hard feelings like this example.

Maggie

 

[clutter]

And, I get that people say that those who host destination weddings are okay with people not coming, but my mom said my sister cries to her about how her family is not supporting her on her wedding choice.

Not being able to go is not the same as not supporting her choice. Tell her you think is SO WONDERFUL that she is having the wedding of her dreams. And you will do what you can to share it with her, but it doesn't seem possible right now.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would have explained that I could not afford to spend the amount of money sister's wedding was going to cost, told sister that I loved her and would find a way to celebrate her special day in another way. Right until she took the poor me to your Mom and ignored your DD. At that point sister and I would be having a come to Jesus meeting regarding "support". There is no way I would spend the kind of money your sister has decided is appropriate in order to properly "support" her, in fact I find her decision to try to guilt you through your parents foul! SHe would be getting a huge piece of my mind.

I love all of my siblings but I would never be able to justify that kind oif financial impact in order to please one of them, not with children in the picture.

 

[scbelleatheart]

Beaches Sandy Bay is close and a little, but not much, cheaper.I'm sorry that you have been put in such a position to choose.

 

[DisneyEater]

I would price out the trip staying somewhere else for 2-3 nights and see what that would cost you.

 

[pyrxtc]

Does your sister want you there badly enough to pay half of what it will cost you? Can you say you are putting a kid in a room with your parents so you don't need a suite ? Does she expect you to spend the entire trip doing things with them or can you and your family explore on your own ?

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

What part of "we can't afford it" does your sister not understand? It is not cheap just to raise a family these days, and traveling to her wedding would be a huge (and unnecessary) burden on you and DH. Unless she is willing to kick in a substantial part, I would wish her well, buy a nice gift, and let it go at that. You do what you can afford.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm with the majority. I wouldn't be going, and I would be very disappointed in a 28 year old woman who quite obviously thinks I should feel obligated to be there. Heaven forbid she have to tell any of her friends that her sister couldn't afford to come to her wedding!

I agree with a previous poster that weddings have gotten out of hand in many cases. My daughter was married a couple of years ago and had a small, beautiful wedding. We covered the expenses of the wedding party (dresses, tuxes, and accomodations). Why should it cost other people money when I want to get married?

I am not opposed to distance weddings at all, but brides should not plan them with an expectation that anybody will be there other than themselves.

 

[dopeynme]

Just a word of caution about staying elsewhere....,when I visited Jamaica a few years ago, we were warned that it is not safe to wander around outside the resorts. Maybe things have changed or maybe the resort just said that to keep us and our $$ with them!!!!!!! But investigate personal safety before deciding to stay offsite.

 

[mjkacmom]

My sister got married at Beaches Turkes and Caicos, and it cost more that that! My kids were 4 and 2 at the time (and in the wedding, but not at the reception). Can't you just put the toddler (or other kids) in your parents room (on paper) and get a regular room?

One of the reasons why my sister had the wedding there (knew she wanted an island wedding) was because she wanted it easy with my kids (I was the only one who had kids). Sure, it was expensive, but I'd never miss my sister's wedding, and it was nice to get such a great family vacation out of it, especially with extended family and friends there.

It's totally up to you, but I wanted to be at my sister's wedding, and wouldn't have missed it for anything. BTW, my ds was actually just under 2, and he was free, including his flight.

 

[SaraJayne]

First, congrats on the new baby.

As far as the wedding goes, you have my sympathy. My cousin was married a few years ago in Negril and DH and I declined for multiple reasons.

However, my sister is tentatively planning a destination wedding in the next year or two in Hawaii. Ouch. If that is where she ends up getting married, we aren't sure if we will be attending.

I think you should stop worrying about your sister and do what's best for your family. If that means you stay home, you stay home. If it means you and your DD go alone, then that's what it means and pouty sister will just have to get over it.

 

[lastminutemom]

I think you and your husband need to have a meeting with your sister and just lay it out there. She can cry or be sad, but something has to give. If she wants the family to be supportive, she clearly needs a new plan. There are lots of places to have destination weddings in the states that wouldn't cost this much.