"Dear Abby", bad advice debate?

[DawnCt1]

When I read the evening paper I skim "Dear Abby" or whoever it is who took over the job. Last evening's letter caught my eye. A woman, who was temporarily separated from her husband 18 years ago had an affair during the separation, and is worried that their 17 year old son may not be her husband's.
The husband is now asking to have DNA testing on her son, herself and himself for "geneological" reasons and she is terrrified that the results may bear out her worst fears. She was asking for advice on how to disuade her husband from this pursuit. I was really disappointed in the response. She told her that "confession is good for the soul", and that "everyone" should have DNA testing in case there is a concern for genetic diseases such as sickle cell and Tay Sachs. Those diseases tend to be in certain ethnic groups, and so if it wasn't an issue for this family, if her son has no genetic diseases, it was absolutely ridiculous advice. My feeling is, this father is the only father that this boy has ever known and it would be tremendously hurtful to the son and terrible destructive to the family. I have never written to "Dear Abby" before but I couldn't resist going on the web site and telling her that she is totally off base. What do you think?

 

[CathrynRose]

I think what I always think about situations like that.

The person - the original writer - is feeling alllll guilty, so to get rid of some of that guilt, she's gonna go and pull something like this.

I do not feel the son should be tested - or quite frankly - even told. You're messing with their stability, to lessen this woman's guilt.

I disagree with "Dear Abby", and I usually do.

 

[BelleMcNally]

I absolutely, 100% agree with you.

Unless there is some definite question about a medical condition, what good could it possibly do? After 18 years, does it really matter whose "material" went into conceiving the child? After 18 years, the man is the boy's dad, no question.

 

[MICKEY88]

odds are if the man wants dna testing he may suspect he's not the father, perhaps as the boy has matured and grown nto his adult looks, the father has noticed a resemblance, to a man from the past....
if the woman resists he will only grow more suspicious... and insist anyway...

 

[RUDisney]

Dawn, that response ired me all up, too. First of all, if the father was tested and the mother was tested, the boy is a combo of his parents' DNA, for geneological purposes. Why doesn't the mother just have the bloodwork done and be finished with the whole thing? Her sins of the past are irrelevant in the big scheme of things at this point. What matters more is that she has been faithful since the first separation and the boy is her HUSBAND's DS.

Most of this lady's advice is off base and wrong. Dear Abby was a much better advice giver than her daughter.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I don't know of many husbands and/or Fathers who ask for DNA testing for the reason of "just in case of" genetic disease. I suspect the man has suspicions that the boy may not be his biological son and wants his questions answered. I think that if the Father is having justified doubts in his mind, he certainly is entitled to a truth that should have been revealed to him 17 years ago.

I don't know what answers to give because you are correct in that the needs of the offspring are also important. That is probably a question that needs to be answered from a Professional therapist in a meeting with both of the parents and not through a newspaper column.

 

[DawnCt1]

I think what I always think about situations like that.

The person - the original writer - is feeling alllll guilty, so to get rid of some of that guilt, she's gonna go and pull something like this.

I do not feel the son should be tested - or quite frankly - even told. You're messing with their stability, to lessen this woman's guilt.

I disagree with "Dear Abby", and I usually do.

You and I are coming to the same conclusion but it is NOT the guilty mom but the suspicious dad who is pushing for DNA testing and the mom is looking for a way to disuade him. Who ever is writing for Dear Abby hasn't changed the quality of the responses since the real Abby was in the throws of Alzheimers. The responses are almost worse.

 

[phillybeth]

Paternity testing and DNA testing for genetic diseases are two completely different things. There is no way to tell if someone is a Tay Sachs carrier, for instance, from a paternity test.
In fact, standard paternity and cimre-related DNA testing can tell NOTHING about disease status or physical appearance. The DNA tests were deliberately designed so they could not be used for that.

 

[mainewmn]

I read this letter in yesterday’s paper and it got me thinking. On one hand the son deserves to know the truth, on the other hand why bring up the old dirty laundry, I’m not sure if there is a right answer to that letter. You dammed if you do and you dammed if you don’t, really a sad story.

 

[cardaway]

IMO everybody from Abby to Dr. Phil should be taken to task. One is just as bad as the other.

For every person they may help, there are at least that many that go the other way.

 

[Chuck S]

So, what happens if there is an accident and the son needs a blood transfusion and neither of his "parents" are a match? Or some sort of transplant?

The child, at 18, certainly has some rights to know the truth for medical reasons, other factors besides "genetic disorders" can come into play healthwise. And the father that raised him also has a right to know the truth.

The woman should have been truthful from the start.

 

[DawnCt1]

I don't know of many husbands and/or Fathers who ask for DNA testing for the reason of "just in case of" genetic disease. I suspect the man has suspicions that the boy may not be his biological son and wants his questions answered. I think that if the Father is having justified doubts in his mind, he certainly is entitled to a truth that should have been revealed to him 17 years ago.

I don't know what answers to give because you are correct in that the needs of the offspring are also important. That is probably a question that needs to be answered from a Professional therapist in a meeting with both of the parents and not through a newspaper column.

I don't think knowing the 'truth' justifies the damage that will be done to the son and the family. The 'truth' in many cases isn't all that its cracked up to be. I can't imagine what would be worse than for a teenager, who is struggling with impending adulthood finding out that his "own father" doubts his paternity and worse yet, isn't his father.

 

[DawnCt1]

So, what happens if there is an accident and the son needs a blood transfusion and neither of his "parents" are a match? Or some sort of transplant?

Parent's are most often not suitable donors and anyone who needs blood and it "typed and cross matched" and get blood from a blood bank. There are no overwhelming medical concerns that would justify destroying this family. "Medical concerns" are often raised as an excuse to do harm.

 

[curiouser]

So, what happens if there is an accident and the son needs a blood transfusion and neither of his "parents" are a match? Or some sort of transplant?

The child, at 18, certainly has some rights to know the truth for medical reasons, other factors besides "genetic disorders" can come into play healthwise. And the father that raised him also has a right to know the truth.

The woman should have been truthful from the start.

I agree. The woman made a decision with her actions and if she has to face the consequences now, she should've thought about those before she did what she did. Its just a fact of life. Not telling the child isn't fair to him, he has a right to know, even if he never even thinks again about the man who is his "biological father". Not telling him is just letting the lie continue and it will get harder and the situation will get worse the longer he's not told what could be the truth.

 

[DawnCt1]

Paternity testing and DNA testing for genetic diseases are two completely different things. There is no way to tell if someone is a Tay Sachs carrier, for instance, from a paternity test.
In fact, standard paternity and cimre-related DNA testing can tell NOTHING about disease status or physical appearance. The DNA tests were deliberately designed so they could not be used for that.

You are exactly right of course but I got lazy and didn't even want to 'go there'.
DNA testing that is specific to a disease takes can take months and is very specific.

 

[curiouser]

I don't think knowing the 'truth' justifies the damage that will be done to the son and the family. The 'truth' in many cases isn't all that its cracked up to be. I can't imagine what would be worse than for a teenager, who is struggling with impending adulthood finding out that his "own father" doubts his paternity and worse yet, isn't his father.

Actually I have a few friends who found out in their late teenage years that their biological fathers weren't the men who raised them. They turned out just fine, and their family relationship is, too.

 

[DawnCt1]

I agree. The woman made a decision with her actions and if she has to face the consequences now, she should've thought about those before she did what she did. Its just a fact of life. Not telling the child isn't fair to him, he has a right to know, even if he never even thinks again about the man who is his "biological father". Not telling him is just letting the lie continue and it will get harder and the situation will get worse the longer he's not told what could be the truth.

It won't be "her consequences" alone to face, it will be the child's. I don't see any benefit to this boy knowing who his sperm donor is. There is nothing positive to gain.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I don't think knowing the 'truth' justifies the damage that will be done to the son and the family. The 'truth' in many cases isn't all that its cracked up to be.

Perhaps. But my point is, from what you describe the family is already starting to crack IMHO. The Father seems to be having doubts and is searching for a way to have his questions answered. The Mother hid a secret 18 years ago and now it is coming to light. I can't tell you whether or not the son should be told anything, but I think the Father in this case had all the information and decision making power withheld from him by fraud, and he is bound to resent that fact.

As I said, I don't know the answers. My advice would be for the Mother and Father to take these issues into a qualified Counselor and deal with them honestly. They could then together make the decision on when, how, or if to tell the son anything.

 

[Chuck S]

The "harm to the family" was done 18 years ago. Lies have only complicated things. I'll tell ya, I know who my father was, but he died when I was four. His family has not been in touch at all. I would love to have some family medical history of heart disease, diabetes, cancer etc to access my risks. If this adult child goes to a doctor, the forms ask "is there a history of....(fill in the blank) in your familiy."

 

[Fantasmic303]

I agree that "Dear Abby" has given some questionable advice in recent years. I've been reading the column since I was an early teen (I'm 26 now), and I agree that the responses are frequently questionable, especially of late. It bothers me that the "answer" is often to seek counseling (which can be beneficial in many situations, but is not a magic remedy for anything) or take some unrealistic steps to "fix" the problem. (When I say unrealistic, it just seems to me that much of the advice is easier to say than to do.)


There was a column a few months back about a man who would walk nude in front of his young daughters after showers while he let certain areas air dry. "Abby's" advice was for the girls to point and laugh at his areas until he got the message that it wasn't appropriate for him to parade naked in front of them.

I was appalled by her response, but did not reply to it. I work in a clinic that, unfortunately, treats kids who are victims of sexual abuse. The abuse comes in all forms, and there's something wrong with the situation if the father is comfortable doing that. Her advice didn't seem to take the circumstances seriously enough. I guess "she" figures that, in ten years or so, those girls will be writing to her for advice too....keeps her in business.