Dealing with a racist family member?

[Sandy22]

My wife knows about his racism, and while she displays no rascism, she says "Well, you know where he grew up. He isn't going to change".

I disagree that people can't change their attitudes. I don't care how old they are.

Racism would not be tolerated at my house. Either "grandpa" changes his attitude or he can stay at home by himself. It comes down to what's more important to him....his family or holding on to his racist attitude.

And don't be fooled...your girls are going to pick up on his racism.

ETA: People who just stand by and say nothing when they're around racist extended families and friends, well that's just as bad as if they were saying it themselves.

 

[Papa Deuce]

I disagree that people can't change their attitudes. I don't care how old they are.
Racism would not be tolerated at my house. Either "grandpa" changes his attitude or he can stay at home by himself. It comes down to what's more important to him....his family or holding on to his racist attitude.

And don't be fooled...your girls are going to pick up on his racism.[/QUOTE]




OK, you tell me how to change an 84 years old's perspective. Maybe SOME older people can change. I think at this age, all they can do is disguise it as best they can so that they are not penalized for holding those views.

If he needed blood, and it was only available form a minority, I believe he would turn it down. "Maybe" that might have been different 20 years ago, but at age 84, I think he would rather die.

I an not fooled. The only reason I didn't make a big deal about it was becasue it was Christmas, and I don't think they understand the concept yet. They go to a daycare with lots of different races, and have since they were 6 weeks old.

 

[Sandy22]

I just think that kids pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. And as for changing your FIL's attitude, you've got me It's too bad someone didn't try to re-educate him a long time ago.

I just know that someone who makes "accidental" racist remarks would not be welcome in my house. Family or not.

 

[Disneyfan63]

Hi,

There were a few racist people in my family. While I can't say that I didn't pick up on their attitudes (as a kid I told a few racist jokes), I've long believed that it's a person's heart that counts, and that we all look the same in an x-ray.

Jim

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd tell my DFIL that he could think whatever he wanted, but he better not say it in my house. Period.

Too old to change?? Well, that's fine. Then just keep your mouth shut.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

When my kids hear a racist remark, I always say something to them about it. I'll tell them that the word used was mean and ugly and the person shouldn't have used it, or I'll "correct" the inference to my dd. With the Kwanzaa remark, he may have he caught himself on using the slur, but it was still racist and divisive IMO to say that "white people don't say that." After that remark, I would have told my dd, "Well, Kwanzaa is mostly celebrated by African Americans, but other people could certainly say Happy Kwanzaa to those that celebrate it".

My dad was pretty racist. I never really realized it until I dated an AA guy and he told me that other boys wouldn't want to go out with me anymore when they found out about it. : Then when I told him about a friend's new business, his response was "She must have a lot of Mexicans working for her". WTH? I really let him have it WRT both of those things, and he didn't say much else racist around me anymore. You can let your FIL know you don't want to hear it, especially not in front of your kids, and then you can only explain to them why what grandpa said was wrong, and lead by example. Good luck!

 

[MrsPete]

And don't be fooled...your girls are going to pick up on his racism.

ETA: People who just stand by and say nothing when they're around racist extended families and friends, well that's just as bad as if they were saying it themselves.

I totally disagree. If you're raising your children to accept people of all races, if you yourself do not make racist comments, etc. then I don't think a guest -- even a regular guest -- is going to override years of parenting with a few comments.

The choice isn't between two negatives: 1) throw the person out or 2) stand by and say nothing. You can let the offending guest know -- politely -- that your family doesn't say things like that, then move on quickly to a new topic. There's no need to beleaguer the point and try to "win" an argument or reform the offender; that'll put his back up and lead to a squabble in which everyone will lose. Just a quick, "I don't appreciate jokes like that in my house" (insert appropriate tone and look) is enough. Sure, in a perfect world, you wouldn't have to deal with this, but we don't live in a perfect world.

LATER, after the guests are gone, these things can act as a springboard to conversations with your children: "I know you heard Uncle Billy telling that joke, and you may not have understood why I didn't like it . . . "

I think children will LEARN MORE from seeing that parents deal with real-life problems -- they'll learn more than they would from being SHIELDED from such things. Someday, years from now, someone at work will make an inappropriate joke, and they'll know how to deal with it without running away (or joining in and feeling bad) because you will have MODELED appropriate behavior for them.

 

[Sandy22]

I totally disagree. If you're raising your children to accept people of all races, if you yourself do not make racist comments, etc. then I don't think a guest -- even a regular guest -- is going to override years of parenting with a few comments.

What??? I never said that! Of course overhearing a few comments isn't going to turn his kids into racists. That's not what I said.

And by the way, I agree with your thoughts on modeling appropriate behavior. That still doesn't mean I would stand by and do/say nothing or put up with a racist relative/friend who consistently "forgets" to keep his views to himself.

 

[Planogirl]

I personally look at these incidents as great opportunities to teach the kids about attitudes both good and bad. Kids are going to run into racists everywhere; at jobs, school, in music and so on. I think it's good to acknowledge the creeps of the world and talk about what is right and what is just plain evil.