Dealing with a racist family member?

[Papa Deuce]

My FIL is racist. Racism is one of my few "hot button" issues.

He throws around derogatory terms about different people at the drop of a hat. He once did it in front of my kids and I told him that it was unnaceptable, and that if he did it again, I would bounce him out on his ear.

Well, yesterday, ( Christmas day ) he was at my home in the morning. My kids were playing and watching Dora the Exlporer --- which he hates. Dora is mentioning different holiday greetings when she says "Happy Kwanzaa"! Well, one of my daughters looks at her grandfater and says " Happy Kwaanzaa Poppy".

So what does this idiot say? He says " White people don't say that, only "N word", I mean COLORED PEOPLE do." He actually caught himself before he actually said the whole "N" word.

I threw him a nasty look. And had it not been Christamas I would have tossed the old guy out. My wife knows about his racism, and while she displays no rascism, she says "Well, you know where he grew up. He isn't going to change". He grew up in an extremely racially divided area of Philly.

This really kills me whenever it rears its ugly head.

How would you handle it?

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

If he already knows how you feel then there isnt really anything you can do other than to make sure he doesnt display those attitudes around your daughters.

Show your DDs by example how to act and when they encounter anyone with beliefs or ignorant attitudes (like racism) then explain to them why you don't feel that way and why they shouldn't either.

 

[Jennifer S]

I'm not sure. My BIL is African American so we don;t have any racism - at least not spoken in front of us. My grandmother put the end to all racial jokes when my sister married her DH. My uncles were famous for their jokes. They no longer tell them. I think havin BIL in our family has been great. I'm learning a whole lot I didn't know before.


Good luck w/ your FIL.

 

[Papa Deuce]

Thanks Jennifer. Amd stay away from those dang BLUE betas! They ain't nothin' but lazy layabouts!

 

[Aimeedyan]

Argh. Don't get me started on my family! My FIL, granddad, and uncle are all extremely racist and hateful towards people unlike themselves.

My FIL won't watch anything with Tyne Daly because she evidently married a black man years ago. WTH?

For me, I don't bother saying much anymore I just leave the room. I usually give a disgusted look and leave. That ends the conversation going on and gets my point across without things getting heated. Course, that may change once children are around to hear it. Well, i take that back. I may just pack up the kids and leave! =)

 

[Jennifer S]

Thanks Jennifer. Amd stay away from those dang BLUE betas! They ain't nothin' but lazy layabouts!

Ours is red and he's the only fish we have. Thanks for your info

 

[mum4jenn]

With a family member it is tough. About 20 years ago I dtarted dating this guy that seemed to be so great...I could not figure out what was wrong with him. When we were going to go see a movie he would always ask who was in it before deciding...did not think too much about it since there are actors I do not like. Everything is going really well getting very seroius. Then Christmas rolled around and I had bought him an Izod sweater(that goes to show how long ago this was!!) I told him I had a hard time trying to decide on a color and had narrowed it down between red or black. I chose red and he told me "good because I would not have worn the black one" What?? I still did not understand..I thought maybe he thought he did not look good in black or something...ok whatever. Later on he started making comments and then he told me why he did not wear black. I worked as a teachers aide at the time and he talked about how all black kids were dumb and stupid and you could not teach them anything!!!! He went on and on about that. I told him that was not true because some of the smartest kids we had were black and some of the ones not so smart were white.We pretty much argued most of the night on that one. I thnk we only went out once more after that because he layed it all out for me....he hated blacks so much that he would not even wear black socks!!!! He refused to see a movie if he knew or thought there was a black person in it...the list goes on and on. I told him I was not raised that way. There are good people and bad people of all colors.

I chose to not date him anymore. I know you can't do something like that with a close relative but I thought I would share my story. All you can really do is to teach your children right from wrong adn to not pay attention to skin color. They will soon find out themselves who is good and evil.

 

[RobinMarie]

Sounds like these folks could use a Biology 101 course.

 

[pat fan]

It is so hard when it is a family member with those attitudes I think since he knows how you feel (he did correct/stop himself) that maybe you could just let him know you appreciate his effort. Kind of like encouraging your kid with school grades, ya' know? Let him know you appreciate the effort and respect he is giving you by trying to keep his opinions to himself.

My DH's family is pretty racist, although sadly we lost two members last year and we rarely see the rest. My DH's grandmother killed me once (quite a long time ago) when she was talking about the factory she worked at years ago (her DH was the manager) and that they had a black man that worked there. BTW this was all in referance to something we all saw on tv together about racism on the workplace.Anyway.....she was saying how she never had any problems with him being there etc...and I thought ..ok, this is going to go ok....and then she says "I never had any trouble with him at all. Blacks are fine as long as they know their place".I almost died. Thank goodness my DS was in the other room.I did try and cut her some slack as it was the generation she grew up in and her DH never let her have a thought of her own, but still.....you'd think they would figure this out eventualy!

 

[jenks0718]

My dh is black and I am hispanic and white (I was raised by all white people though as I do not know my biological hispanic father). Anyway, I have this one uncle who is a racist pig. He would say things when I was growing up and I hated it the "n" word other derogatory words for other ethnic group. I always remember not wanting to go to his house.

Anyway, fast forward to when I got married to my dh and we had children. In the beginning he would act really cool with dh and not say any racial slurs. He would always, however, say "I have black friends" "Do you want to be caled colored? African American? Black?" He could never have a conversation and just discuss things with my dh it was ALWAYS about race in some way shape or form. Well now he thinks (after 7 years of marriage) that he can now say the "n" word and tell off color jokes to my dh. For some reason I guess he thinks its ok now? My dh just shrugs it off when he hears it, but when we get in the car his mood turns somber and he gets disgusted. One time I was holding a friends baby (he was black) and my uncle said "That little "n" word looks like a monkey" I went off in my mom's house. I told him he was digusting and that if I ever hear him speak like that in front of me again I will never associate with him again. I said some more choice words as well. It just makes me sick.

 

[tmt martins]

My father was very Racist lived in an only white part of baltimore city if you can believe that and raised me and brother the same hateful ways.

Well I never took to it and chose my friends on a person basis not race.I over looked it for along time with some other things he was into as well.I would not subject my friends to him I didn't think it was right .

When my DD was born and we sat down and talked of the things I didn't approve of he said he was to OLD to try to change .HE DIED A VERY LOANLY PERSON.

Only you can decide who and what is eceptable in your life and if you let your childern see that then you are opening them up to that it's alright .It's one thing to see it on TV and say well thats not right but to put them in the same room for as it is why it's still around.

This goes all ways Black on white ,white on black ,black on korean and so forth .As long as hate is alouded it will florish.

 

[J.C.&ALI'SMOM]

I do have some relatives who refer to others in terms that I object to. My DH controls it in front of us. He knows that it is not acceptable to me. However, my MIL has said things in front of us that I don't want to explain to my girls. Thank goodness that they have not had any questions about the idiotic statements she has made! Some things she has said has really thrown me for a loop and I have been so stunned that I haven't said anything. I probably should have.

 

[Planogirl]

For the rest of my life I have one goal: to be a great role model for my daughters

Keep this up and nothing he says will make a difference.

Unfortunately, your girls will have to learn that there are hateful people out there and sometimes they're even close relatives. It's all a part of growing up.

 

[lisajl]

We ran into this at MGM. A wonderful CM, that was of, I think, Mexican heritage rolled his r's. This wonderful, and I say that sarcastically, family near us started making comments.
We understood most of what the CM was saying but not all of it.
This family was rude, loud and obnoxious about it. Saying things like, "What, what did that dude say?" " I can't understand him"...loud enough for him and all the other people around us to hear. My DH and I shot them a dirty look but they did not care. It was a father, mother and older teenage children. They were probably close to 20.
We just told our boys not to act like that and respect other people.

Geesh...what jerks!

 

[Robinrs]

ugh...

It's on all sides and all families, there is ALWAYS an ignoramus somewhere. Mine was my Grandma... my mother steered us the right way and we were NEVER influenced by her hateful remarks as long as my Mom taught us different.

Continue being the voice of reason and your kids will follow your lead.

Excuse me while I take my stupid monkey looking self to a Kwanzaa party where they're showing a Tyne Daly movie and stay in my place. Sure am glad there is NO more racism in ths world.....

 

[Planogirl]

ugh...

It's on all sides and all families, there is ALWAYS an ignoramus somewhere. Mine was my Grandma... my mother steered us the right way and we were NEVER influenced by her hateful remarks as long as my Mom taught us different.

Continue being the voice of reason and your kids will follow your lead.

Excuse me while I take my stupid monkey looking self to a Kwanzaa party where they're showing a Tyne Daly movie and stay in my place. Sure am glad there is NO more racism in ths world.....

OK, I plead ignorance. What's the deal with Tyne Daly?

 

[Taylor]

Tyne Daly's huband is African American.

 

[Planogirl]

Tyne Daly's huband is African American.

I knew that. But does that somehow make her different or something according to the racists?

Yuck. What a creepy subject.

 

[PixieDust32]

Big Ignorant! He should say things like that in front of the kids.

 

[Aidensmom]

I tell people racist comments are not allowed in my house, and for the most part that is respected, but at someone's own home I don't feel like there is much I can do about their behavior, but I do make it a point to make sure that my son understands that we do not agree with these statements.