I'm also sorry you're going through this. This is among my many fears as my son gets older (he's only 3 now). He has meltdowns pretty frequently due to some obsessive/compulsive impulses and I can't imagine how much worse they will be when he's 10 if it does not improve now!
From what I've gathered on my own research, as well as from VERY frequent trips to
Disneyland with my autistic son, here's what I can advise:
-prior to leaving on your trip, sit your son down and explain best that you can that the "rules" are the same at WDW than at home. (reiterate "the rules" if he needs reminding)
-allow your daughter and other son to go off on their own in the parks, if your daughter (and you) feel that she is comfortable with that. Talk to your daughter BEFORE the trip, explain that there may be times where your autistic son needs to be removed from the situation, and at those times, you will ask her for help with the other son. Will you be the only adult there? I assume so, based on your first post. Work out a plan with your daughter, so that she can take the other child off a.s.a.p. so you can get down to dealing with your son without the distraction of giving instructions, figuring out a meeting place, etc. Leave her prepared at all times to be on her own with your other son. Make sure she always has a room key for the hotel, a fully charged cell phone, some money, etc. I'm sure she will MUCH prefer the freedom to experience WDW with her younger brother in the midst of a meltdown than being a babysitter in the hotel room. At her age, I had been going off on my own with my sisters at WDW for several YEARS. It's easy enough to use the WDW transportation within the property.
-if your son has a meltdown, deal with it IMMEDIATELY. As in, find the first bench and park him down on it. Either send your other kids to get a snack, go on a ride, use the bathroom, or give them a couple hours to themselves. If you are in line for a ride, get out of line. If you're eating, leave the restaurant to at least go into the entrance area of the restaurant to be away from other guests. Firmly sit him down and try your hardest to just get him to calm down first, then explain that his behavior is not going to be tolerated here just as it is not at home.
-once your son is calm, ask him what would make the day better for HIM. Would he like to go back to the hotel or stay where he is? Give him two choices. I find that this works WONDERS for my son when he melts down in public. I ask him "do you want to go home or stay here?" If he says "stay here", then I tell him that we will stay as long as he behaves properly. If he does "x" one more time, we're leaving. Be serious and FOLLOW THROUGH, even on vacation. You just need to maintain consistency on vacation as you do at home.
I'm sure you know what works and what doesn't for your son. While it is important to maintain consistency on vacation, make sure you recognize that vacation is a very different experience than being home, so you have to adjust your EXPECTATIONS accordingly. Expect more negative behaviors, expect more melt downs...WDW is highly stimulating, tiring, and exciting. TYPICAL children and adults have a hard time maintaining normalcy during a WDW trip, so you have to expect it to be that much harder for your autistic son to deal. Make sure you have something that is familiar to him from home, be it a video game system, book, CD/mp3 player, etc. that he can turn to when he feels overloaded. Bring it with you to the parks every day so if need be, he can use it.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out!
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