Deadbeat Dads: anyone have experience with them?

[NY Disney fan]

I'd like to know from anyone who knows a deadbeat or *is* a deadbeat dad. How come they can walk away from their children (financially and physically)? I can't udnerstand this concept and would like someone to help me understand. Thanks.

ETA: My child's bio dad is a deadbeat. He wanted our child so badly and then after she was born he walked away and contacts her once in a blue moon. I know there is a reason and season for everything in life but I just don't get it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well--

The kids are the mom's burden--that's all I can think of.

My brother's dad is a deadbeat. No support, no contact, no nothing. I think even when he still lived in teh same town and married another woman with children--he was very stand-backish from any relationship with my brother.

In that case--there is a little bit of history that I will not share, that I *think* could somewhat justify why he did that. But as a person, he was a bad man anyway.

I believe in general, they walk b/c they can and unless you can find them--there is littel to be done to force the issue. The courts can only do so much.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Well--

But as a person, he was a bad man anyway.

I'm finding this to be a common theme among "walk aways". They are bad not only in parenting but in other things in life. Maybe walking away is the kindest thing they can do.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm finding this to be a common theme among "walk aways". They are bad not only in parenting but in other things in life. Maybe walking away is the kindest thing they can do.

He only "left" after the divorce though.

It wasn't a straight away abandonment.

I can't say much more. Just that the kind of "bad man" he was--probably preferred girls and his new relationship--there was a daughter.

It isn't your usual case. I just think it is "easier" b/c the child is seen as the mother's burden.

 

[livie1205]

YEP! I just sued my ex for 17,000 in back CS! I am getting ready to go and ask for full custody with no visitation.

 

[Ember]

I have one of those. My dad left when I was two. He didn't want the responsibility of a child. He also only wanted a boy, which he told me on my 10th birthday when I asked why he had left. Yeah, he's a class act, my dad. I speak with him about once a year and see him once every few years. The only reason there is any relationship at all is because of my grandparents. When they're no longer here, I doubt I'll talk to him at all.

After my mummy passed away last week, he sent me a text message to say he's sorry. Not even a phone call, just a text message. Thanks, dad.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

My DH's father is a total deadbeat dad, but he is also a really pathetic excuse for a man all around. He walked out on DMIL when DS was less than a year old and never paid any kind of child support or anything. He also used to call DH and tell him he was coming to take him on an outing and then never show up. DH also told me that the few times he did take him anywhere he would leave DH alone and go sell drugs.

We also found out about 4 years ago that DH has a half-brother who was born within a month of DH. Yes, DH's father was married to DMIL and got another woman pregnant at the same time. Keeping it classy for sure......

Here is the real kicker - when DS was born DH's father somehow found out and actually had the nerve to call us saying he wanted to meet his grandson. Needless to say, we did not allow that. If you were never a father you certainly never earned the right to be a grandfather. My DS already has 2 wonderful grandfathers - my father and DH's step-father.

 

[tazdev3225]

I have one of those. My dad left when I was two. He didn't want the responsibility of a child. He also only wanted a boy, which he told me on my 10th birthday when I asked why he had left. Yeah, he's a class act, my dad. I speak with him about once a year and see him once every few years. The only reason there is any relationship at all is because of my grandparents. When they're no longer here, I doubt I'll talk to him at all.

After my mummy passed away last week, he sent me a text message to say he's sorry. Not even a phone call, just a text message. Thanks, dad.

So sorry you have to deal with him on top of the loss of your mother.

When I read these stories I feel so sad for all of you. It is something I have never been able to understand. It does make me prouder of my DS. He became a father at 16 and has taken his ex-GF to court 4 times in 12 years to keep his rights. When I saw how much he hurt when she kept him from his DS and read some of these posts, wow. I don't get it.

 

[Pakey]

My son will turn 29 next month but he has/had a deadbeat dad. We divorced when my son was 3 and I never received a penny of child support. When my son was 17, I sent my ex-husband a letter and told him that I was giving him the choice to fork over $6000 for 1/3 of a new car for his son or I'd go to court and ask for the back child support which would have been about $45,000. He called me and told me that he didn't appreciate the tone in my letter.

He did send the $6000 for the car. It was never about the money; we both have great careers and good incomes. He just didn't want to pay it. He remarried and had 2 sons from that marriage and lost all interest in my son.

I never needed the money but my heart broke for my son.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

My Father was a dead beat dad. I think my Mom was actually thankful. That way, she didn't have to deal with him. She didn't get child support from him but she also didn't have to share with him. In her opinion, that was a good trade off. My sister and I had a great step-dad and extended family and never felt abandoned. Actually, when we were teenagers, the state tried to force my Mom to sue for money owed. She refused. I respect my Mom for that. I didn't want money from someone who didn't care about me. We did just fine.

 

[punkin]

My mother used to say that some men (generalization here folks-not every man) only love their children through their wives. Once they have no relationship with the mother of their child, they feel nothing towards the child either.

I don't get it, but my mother's first husband was a personification of this.

 

[ticktock]

My Father was a dead beat dad. I think my Mom was actually thankful. That way, she didn't have to deal with him. She didn't get child support from him but she also didn't have to share with him. In her opinion, that was a good trade off. My sister and I had a great step-dad and extended family and never felt abandoned. Actually, when we were teenagers, the state tried to force my Mom to sue for money owed. She refused. I respect my Mom for that. I didn't want money from someone who didn't care about me. We did just fine.

Why would the state do this unless your mom was getting assistance? I know women on welfare who have had to file against their will because of this.

*IF* she was getting assistance she should have sued because why should perfect strangers have to pay for the upkeep of children when they have a father? Just having the kids on the father's insurance would save the tax payers thousands of dollars every year. I wouldn't respect my mom for putting that burden on strangers because she wanted her kids all to herself.

If she wasn't getting assistance I don't see why the state would stick their nose in? Or even know?

 

[Tinkerbelle's Mom]

My dd has a deadbeat dad. He walked out on us when she was 3 to be in another relationship (and still doesn't understand why I divorced him ).

At first I had no idea where he was and he would contact us very sporadically. Once his relationship settled down a little he came around more (boy was I sorry for that as he had gone way over the edge).

When that relationship ended he calmed down and had a lot more time dd. He even came to visit her twice (dd and I moved across country).

But now he is in a new relationship and that girl is having a baby. His calls are starting to be less and less.

I feel bad for dd but she really does not seem to care. The move really helped her deal with his abscences. She has such a full life here that it is not such a big deal deal when he is out of contact for long periods of time.

I don't understand how anyone can walk away from thier child. I would never be able to do it.

 

[dawson5]

My mom has picked some winners. My biological father walked out on my mother when she got pregnant--should be "they," he did have an active part in it. Up to that point she said he was great to my oldest brother and would spend all his money buying popsicles for him and neighbor kids and how much he loved and wanted kids. They divorced, he gave up all rights (my grandfather warned her not to do this). He remarried and has two or three children. My step-father adopted me and was great to me. When they divorced, he paid CS for me. He was divorced from his second wife and had full/sole custody of his kids.

The pattern we've (the kids) seen as bystanders of these relationships is that the step-father has always been a better parent to us than our own biological parent.

I refer to my bio-father as the "sperm donor" and get quite upset at my mother when she tells me what a "good man" he was. Um yeah, I don't agree with ya there.

As for why he did walk away and rescind all right, I don't have a clue. She was just as dumb-founded when it happened. I do know why my step-dad/dad had full custody of his kids, although my siblings do not. They still have a relationship with their mother. My step-dad/dad denies my baby-brother though. He never abandoned him, paid CS and took him two-weekends a month but that is the extent of his relationship with him. He does have the family blue eyes. I don't know how looking into those, he can deny that he is not his own. I get so tempted when flipping through the channels and see Maury saying "YOU ARE THE FATHER!" I want to call and get them in there. My mother has offered to pay for the paternity test/genetic testing to prove it.

 

[walkerag]

My story is a bit different...
My parents divorced when I was 3. My Mom remarried and had two boys and I lived with her until I was 7 (Dad did pay child support). At 7, it was just me and my Dad and I lived with him until I moved out at age 21. He never remarried or anything. He never asked Mom for any kind of child support. I heard from my Mom maybe once a month (that's being generous) and usually only saw her on major holidays. I think she knew I was in good hands and was a bit glad to be rid of the financial burden
I love my Mom but we've never really had a close relationship. My Dad and I however, are very close

As a Mom, I couldn't imagine going weeks or months without seeing or talking to my DD but to each his own I guess.

I will add that my DD is very close with her DGD too. She loves him dearly but DGM on the otherhand, she's only seen her a few times.

 

[NY Disney fan]

My mother used to say that some men (generalization here folks-not every man) only love their children through their wives. Once they have no relationship with the mother of their child, they feel nothing towards the child either.

I believe this deep down in my heart but women suffer because of this. People judge and think a man walked away becuase his woman was a shrew. But the reality is, when he walks away from the wife, he walks away from the kids. Not all men do, of course. But people never see the big picture. They always judge the wife (how she deserved to be left or cheated on).

 

[Ember]

My sister and I had a great step-dad and extended family and never felt abandoned.

I never felt abandoned either, my grandparents (mum's parents) were the most wonderful people in the world. My grandpa taught me to ride a bike, took me to the park, and did all the "dad" things. We lived with them for a few years while my mum went back to school. As I grew up and got to know my father, I was grateful that he wasn't a part of my life. My mother never said a word against him (showing a level of restraint I'm not sure I could ever live up to), but the man is a waste of skin.

 

[punkin]

They always judge the wife (how she deserved to be left or cheated on).

I have seen this and I am disgusted by it! The cheater cheated! The deadbeat abandoned his children! Whatever the problems in a marriage, no one "deserves" to be treated like that.

I am sorry you are having ex troubles. Hang in there.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Thanks punkin. People judge me all the time saying there must have been something wrong with me to make him leave. I can't convince people that he left our daughter and wants nothing to do with her. People still see it as my fault.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I never felt abandoned either, my grandparents (mum's parents) were the most wonderful people in the world. My grandpa taught me to ride a bike, took me to the park, and did all the "dad" things. .

My father is the most important man in my daughter's life. That is her real father.