DD's heard rumor about nephew & drugs.....how to handle it?

[MELSMICE]

My twin DD's will be seniors this year. My nephew (husband's side) will be a junior at the same school.

Through some friends they were told that nephew has been smoking pot & also doing acid in a tree house that nephew & some friends built in the woods behind their house.

We talked with DD's again this morning to get more information - kids names, how much they really knew, how much was first hand information, etc.

DH & I spoke & decided he should call his brother & say the girls heard a rumor, however, we don't know what is true & what is not, but we thought it should be brought to his (& his wife's) attention. We don't want to accuse our nephew of anything, but if it were us we would want to be told. What they do with the information is up to them.

The thing is, we both dread doing this. My BIL reacts so emotionally to things before stopping to think, plus I wouldn't be surprised if he reacts negatively to DH for saying something.

I don't want to overstep our bounds, as this is not our son & like I said, this information is coming from high school kids, but if it were my kids I would want someone to tell me so I could "investigate" the situation. I would hate to not say something & have something awful happen to him.

Thoughts?

 

[java]

I think you are handling it great. Yes say you heard rumors and you just wanted them to know about it. Say you are not accusing your nephew just want the parents to know what is being said. Perhaps they should be keeping an eye on the kids in the "clubhouse"

As a mom I would want to know! And I'm sure you would want to know if it were your daughters.
So if you do it in a non-accusing manner I think you are handling it great.

Good luck.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Your husband should sit down with his brother one on one at a good time and relay his concerns about nephew.

If done with sensitivity in a caring way, there shouldn't be an issue (shouldn't being the key word ).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is a tough one. I probably would get more information before I said something to BIL if it were me.

In fact, I would probably take the nephew aside and talk to him first.

 

[AprilShowers]

Can you talk to your SIL instead? I know that under normal circumstances, DH should do this brother to brother. But this is too important to be left alone. If you think SIL will take it better, and relay to BIL at the right time, or deal with nephew directly, then I might try that tact first.

 

[tonilea]

I think that you are doing it exactly right. I know it is hard. DH has had to arrest some of his cousin's boys.... talk about a sticky situation.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I once broke the news to my best friend about her BF, now husband, cheating on her. HE always held a grudge and now while we are still close, there is no way we can hang out because he manages to blame ME for it. The lesson learned is that an anonymous tip is better than being the messenger because people really do like to shoot the messenger of bad news.

My suggestion is: Type up an anonymous unsigned letter and drop it in the mail from a post office they won't be able to tie to you. Give them the detail but nothing telling about where or when or how you came across the info. If its true they'll be able to spy on the tree house and snoop themselves. IF they choose to ignore it you've done what you can... telling a parent in denial face to face probably has no better outcome than face to face. I think, if anything a personal confrontation might make him/her less receptive because of being defensive and a need to protect. I would not engage isn a conversation like that because there is NO way to say it without being judgmental and then you go from being the supportive well meaning friend or family member to the enemy.... not right away but if they believe the kid YOU will be the liar spreading rumors.

 

[MELSMICE]

Can you talk to your SIL instead? I know that under normal circumstances, DH should do this brother to brother. But this is too important to be left alone. If you think SIL will take it better, and relay to BIL at the right time, or deal with nephew directly, then I might try that tact first.

I sent you a PM

 

[3jsmommy]

I would be willing to bet your daughters are right.
What else would juniors in high school be doing in a tree house?
I would have your husband talk to his brother about it face to face. He should tell him that the girls came to him concerned & try not to sound gossipy. If I was your husband I would approach it like, "I told the girls they aren't to talk about this with anyone but us" "I know I would want you to come to me if you were concerned about the girls"
He might already have an idea about what his son is up to anyway. Do they know he's hanging out in a tree house all the time?

 

[clh2]

Yes, a face-to-face chat is important - most likely between the two brothers. HOWVER, I would not implicate the twin DD's as being the informants. Can't you leave it as "you've heard rumors" and leave your girls out of it?

Yes - in case anyone is wondering - I am paranoid about such disclosures. It won't take long before the nephew would be telling his friends, and now other kids may be in trouble (rightfully so) with their parents. And - puts any of their athletic - extra curricular activities at risk at high school. I would hate for anything to come back to your girls. (and background info here - our best HS football players were suspended most of last year from playing football, because one of the girls at a party "spilled the beans". That girl had a very rough year because it leaked out who told the authorities about the party.)

 

[MELSMICE]

Well, DH spoke with his brother. Brother thanked him for the info.

DH said he didn't react emotionally but didn't seem completely shocked as in "You're kidding me" or anything like that. He got all the information DH had & then asked about a few other kids. He told my DH he was going to talk to his son & not mention where he found anything out.

He's not a bad kid, just seems to be getting involved with the wrong crowd, which can happen so quick with teens.

DH did tell his brother that we would definitely want to know if our kids names came up in a situation like this one & that's why he was relaying the information we had. He explained that it could all be rumor & my nephew may not be involved at all, but still felt it important to pass the info along.

We're going to see them all tomorrow at a family function.....................

 

[shortbun]

It could all be a rumor or it could all be 'brag' by one of the other kids. Either way, it's good to keep the lines of communication open in a family. We've had similar situations here with our neice and we told her Dad who didn't believe it until he actually caught her in the act.....we got an apology and a thank you. That was 3 years ago, our neice is fine, has different friends and everyone is still hugging at family events.

 

[Disney Doll]

My suggestion is: Type up an anonymous unsigned letter and drop it in the mail from a post office they won't be able to tie to you. Give them the detail but nothing telling about where or when or how you came across the info. If its true they'll be able to spy on the tree house and snoop themselves. IF they choose to ignore it you've done what you can... telling a parent in denial face to face probably has no better outcome than face to face. I think, if anything a personal confrontation might make him/her less receptive because of being defensive and a need to protect. I would not engage isn a conversation like that because there is NO way to say it without being judgmental and then you go from being the supportive well meaning friend or family member to the enemy.... not right away but if they believe the kid YOU will be the liar spreading rumors.

I agree with this. If I got an anonymouss letter about my teenager, it would raise my suspicions enough to make me pay much closer attention to said teenager. Not saying I would accuse, but I would certainly be keeping closer tabs on the kid, be more aware of where he was, what he was doing and with whom. Now granted, parents should always be doing that with their kids anyway, but everybody slacks off occasionally, if you KWIM.

Since it's anonymous, it will allow them to "save face" and they won't always associate you guys with the incident.

 

[chager]

I was in a very simialr situation earlier this year. Only it was a friends children not relatives. They also live over an hour from me so I made the phone call. It was hard but in the end the best thing ever. Both girls admitted to ALOT of goings on. They are still rebuilding the trust that they destryed by their actions, but they are both alive, and safe now. They don't have the same freedoms and both were seen by doctors to rule out any health issues. My friends were very grateful I told them what I heard. THe kids were experimenting with some unsafe drugs due to peer pressure. THe way I see it is ...I would want to be told not sent a letter that could be misplaced, opened by my son, mis delivered, etc.

 

[kidzmom3]

I am glad you told. This is family, not a friend or acquaintance. If we don't look out for each other in this world, no one will.

 

[phorsenuf]

If I got an anonymous letter about one of my kids I'd toss. it. I'd figure it was just someone trying to get him in trouble or something.