I was just thinking about this the other day
As performed by Bill Cosby; this is one of the better standup routines on Fatherhood Ive encountered.
(Just thought yall might rather listen to someone that is actually funny as opposed to hearing me attempting to be
)
My wife woke me up 6:00 in the morning.
She said, "I want you to go downstairs and cook breakfast for the children."
And I looked at the clock and I said, "Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning."
She said, "Exactly. Go down and cook for the children. They have to go to school."
I said, "Yes, but to eat at 6:00, isn't that bad for your stomach? I mean, they just ate twelve hours ago."
My wife said, "Bill, get out of that bed and go downstairs and cook breakfast for your children!!"
I said, "Well, I don't know what they want to eat."
She said, "It's down there! Now you get out of the bed!"
And I said, "But where are the pans? Do we have pans to cook with?"
She said, "Bill, I'm not talking to you anymore! You ask another stupid question, so help me God, I'll get the shotgun out of the closet and blow your face off!!"
I said, "Well, there's no need to become violent about this. You seem to be having trouble intellectualizing on where the cooking apparel is."
So I fell back to sleep again. The next thing I knew, there was a bucket of ice water being shaken over my head, and this woman, that I've been married to for some 17 years, was standing over me like this. [makes angry face at audience]
"Now, you get up and cook some breakfast or you're gonna wear this bucket of ice water!!!"
So I said, "You're serious, aren't you?"
So I got up. Needless to say, I was angry. And I went downstairs without putting on my robe. Standing there in my pajamas, and I'm talking to myself.
I said, "Get these, go down and cook breakfast, but it's six o'clock in the morning," [angrily cooking breakfast] and I slam the pans down.
Blam!
on the stove. I slam them down and go to the refrigerator and look around and I get to the damn bacon and the sausage, cooking breakfast, six o'
Blam!
in the morning, and I grab the- you have to be careful with eggs
[sets them down gently, then goes back to being angry]
"God! I have to cook breakfast!
Boom!!"
I turn around. The first one down was the four-year-old. The child looked lovely. Cute little face, clean. Hair in little braids, little things, you know.
"Good morn', Daddy."
And I said, "What do you want for breakfast!?"
The four-year-old has the ability to see through and find the wrong thing. The child saw through my body what was behind me. She saw the chocolate cake.
She said, "Can I have the chocolate cake?"
And I said, "Chocolate cake, where?"
She said, "Chocolate cake behind you."
And I looked... and there was chocolate cake! The child wanted chocolate cake for breakfast! How ridiculous! And I said... and someone in my brain looked under chocolate cake and saw the ingredients:
Eggs!
Eggs are in chocolate cake!
And milk!
Oh goody!
And wheat!
That's nutrition!
"What do you want?"
"Can I have some chocolate cake?"
"Chocolate cake coming up." [imitates slicing sound] Sliced it for her and served it.
"Now, you need something to drink with the chocolate cake, something breakfast... grapefruit juice!"
[Woman in audience] No-o-o!
[Cosby] This is not your child!
So I give the child a glass of grapefruit juice and chocolate cake --- nutrition. Eggs, milk, and wheat in the chocolate cake. And... I didn't have to cook. And the other four came downstairs. And when they came downstairs... Those of you who have children, you've seen them come downstairs for school. [imitating sluggish children] And they got to the kitchen. [imitating sluggish children] They saw the four-year-old eating chocolate cake.
And they said, "Dad! Where did she get the chocolate cake?"
And they went to the child and said, "How did you get chocolate cake?"
She said, "Dad give me chocolate cake!"
And they looked at me and said, "Father... could we
have chocolate cake?"
And their father said, "Chocolate cake coming up!!"
Four slices --- [imitates slicing sound] --- and grapefruit juice!
And five children sat at breakfast and the morning music was playing [imitating bass guitar] and they were eating chocolate cake and singing songs to me:
"Dad is great!
Give us the chocolate cake!"
And we had a ball until...
she came down like this. [makes angry face at audience]
And when she saw what the children were eating...
I've always heard about people having a conniption, but I've never seen one.
You don't want to see 'em!
My wife's face... split!
The skin and hair split and came off of her face so that there was nothing except the skull! And orange light came out of her hair and it lit all around! And fire shot from her eye sockets and began to burn my stomach!
And she said, "Where did they get chocolate cake from?!?"
And I said, "They asked for it!!"
And the children, who had been singing praises to me
lied on me
and said, "Uh-uhh!! We asked for eggs and milk, and Dad made us eat this!!!"
And my wife sent me to my room, which is where I wanted to go in the first place.
So you see?
We are dumb, but we are not so dumb.
It takes great thinking and work to keep from working. "
when we pass by tonite
0n the way to BG
