DIS Dads DDC XIII - Zerphonics spoken here!

[GoHerd1028]

No Ownage for you!!

It is mine this time!

 

[cj9200]

Spent the night playing with this video. Still needs work but is OK now. Some editing and need to put in more movies.

Our July Trip to the Keys.



Thanks Andrew for acting as Technical Advisor.

 

[theduck619]

Good morning guys!

 

[tokyodisneydad]

I don't even know where to start and if I go downstairs I'm going to lose my temper. So instead I thought I would come up here to my man cave (aka walk in closet that I was allowed to turn into a Dinsey shrine/office) and type it all out.
Ok I guess this all started awhile back and has now just reached a breaking point for me. Just know as I vent that I still love my wife and daughters.
This all comes down to having mutual respect for those you share a living space with and also trying to compromise cultural beliefs/traditions in a two culture home.
The base of the problem extends from my oldest daughters lifestyle choices.....yes she is 20 and an adult, but I am a firm believer of mutual respect. She doesn't do bad things, but I can't agree with some of the choices she has made over the last few years. First she was offered a full international scholarship to UGA(my alma mater) a few years back, but instead she chose to go to a speciality school in Tokyo for 2 years. I didn't like that, but let her choose. Now she is getting ready to finish and has no idea what she is going to do with anything she has learned.(20,000$) down the toilet in my mind.
Second she works in Roppongi (nightlife area in Tokyo). She was working part time at TGIF restaurant, but now on top of that has decided to start dancing in some nightclub...(no not that kind of dancing). Basically to make a long story short she is almost never home and when she is it is only to sleep, raid the fridge and drop off her laundry.) Maybe it's that I was raised different, but this would have never flown with my mom at that age--or any age for that matter. But my wife spoils the girls and the word NO is only in the vocab that she uses with me.
So anyway a few months ago DD decided to take a vacation to Guam...she didn't ask just booked it. I told her as long as she lives in this house (rent free and responsibility free) that things like that needed to be ok'd by me or mom first. I then put 3 conditions on her going.

1.That she change this all night out lifestyle..(she hasn't--it has only gotten worse.
2. Have some idea about her future plans before she left...no idea still
3. Try to help around the house more..(I think she has done laundry 2 times and washed dishes once in two months

Well time for Guam came and of course she went and it didn't matter what I said. I told her she needed to find a place of her own if she wanted to keep her current style and attitude.

Well now that you have a little background...here is what pushed me to the edge. She came back from Guam last night. She then told me that she would not be home on the 24th or 25th. this is a big NO NO with me. Christmas has always been family time. Atleast one of those days is reserved for family. I asked why and it was she had plans with friends. I said one of those days was ok, but not both...again what I say doesn't matter. She said we could have dinner today(the 18th) as Christmas dinner--I said no...and asked how she would feel if I moved a Japanese holiday just because I couldn"t be bothered.
Then because I am not happy with DD my wife cancels going to the movies tonight. ( I had been waiting and looking forward to going) and makes me more angry. Wife is in the middle so I can understand, but why is it only what I want to do that gets canceled.
Ok I probably messed that all up in explaining, but had to vent.

Thanks for listening.

 

[katoot]

I don't even know where to start and if I go downstairs I'm going to lose my temper. So instead I thought I would come up here to my man cave (aka walk in closet that I was allowed to turn into a Dinsey shrine/office) and type it all out.
Ok I guess this all started awhile back and has now just reached a breaking point for me. Just know as I vent that I still love my wife and daughters.
This all comes down to having mutual respect for those you share a living space with and also trying to compromise cultural beliefs/traditions in a two culture home.
The base of the problem extends from my oldest daughters lifestyle choices.....yes she is 20 and an adult, but I am a firm believer of mutual respect. She doesn't do bad things, but I can't agree with some of the choices she has made over the last few years. First she was offered a full international scholarship to UGA(my alma mater) a few years back, but instead she chose to go to a speciality school in Tokyo for 2 years. I didn't like that, but let her choose. Now she is getting ready to finish and has no idea what she is going to do with anything she has learned.(20,000$) down the toilet in my mind.
Second she works in Roppongi (nightlife area in Tokyo). She was working part time at TGIF restaurant, but now on top of that has decided to start dancing in some nightclub...(no not that kind of dancing). Basically to make a long story short she is almost never home and when she is it is only to sleep, raid the fridge and drop off her laundry.) Maybe it's that I was raised different, but this would have never flown with my mom at that age--or any age for that matter. But my wife spoils the girls and the word NO is only in the vocab that she uses with me.
So anyway a few months ago DD decided to take a vacation to Guam...she didn't ask just booked it. I told her as long as she lives in this house (rent free and responsibility free) that things like that needed to be ok'd by me or mom first. I then put 3 conditions on her going.

1.That she change this all night out lifestyle..(she hasn't--it has only gotten worse.
2. Have some idea about her future plans before she left...no idea still
3. Try to help around the house more..(I think she has done laundry 2 times and washed dishes once in two months

Well time for Guam came and of course she went and it didn't matter what I said. I told her she needed to find a place of her own if she wanted to keep her current style and attitude.

Well now that you have a little background...here is what pushed me to the edge. She came back from Guam last night. She then told me that she would not be home on the 24th or 25th. this is a big NO NO with me. Christmas has always been family time. Atleast one of those days is reserved for family. I asked why and it was she had plans with friends. I said one of those days was ok, but not both...again what I say doesn't matter. She said we could have dinner today(the 18th) as Christmas dinner--I said no...and asked how she would feel if I moved a Japanese holiday just because I couldn"t be bothered.
Then because I am not happy with DD my wife cancels going to the movies tonight. ( I had been waiting and looking forward to going) and makes me more angry. Wife is in the middle so I can understand, but why is it only what I want to do that gets canceled.
Ok I probably messed that all up in explaining, but had to vent.

Thanks for listening.

Ganbatte ne! Having a two culture household will always be challenging. But, from my experience of living with Japanese families (for about a year and a half or so), I have never seen disrespect for a parent like that. Then again, a lot of teenagers I see here in Korea can be quite Beverly filled. I know I'm going to have my work cut out for me trying to get some of my culture represented in the future.

 

[Cinderella's Fella]

Spent the night playing with this video. Still needs work but is OK now. Some editing and need to put in more movies.

Our July Trip to the Keys.



Thanks Andrew for acting as Technical Advisor.

CJ, that was really good, made me laugh. <--- thumb.

 

[tokyodisneydad]

Ganbatte ne! Having a two culture household will always be challenging. But, from my experience of living with Japanese families (for about a year and a half or so), I have never seen disrespect for a parent like that. Then again, a lot of teenagers I see here in Korea can be quite Beverly filled. I know I'm going to have my work cut out for me trying to get some of my culture represented in the future.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is just so frustrating at times. I consider myself flexible, but hate it that what I say doesn't matter.

 

[DisDadDoc]

CJ, can't wait to check out your video (when I finally get a turn on the computer!)

Thanks for the encouragement. It is just so frustrating at times. I consider myself flexible, but hate it that what I say doesn't matter.

I'm going to apologize for the brevity of my response (typing on my phone), but you have our (or at least my!) support/prayers for patience! Sounds like your DD needs to find a place of her own. Unfortunately, lots of kids need to fall down before they get up again. You just have to hope that you've taught them enough that they'll find the right way. Hang in there!

 

[Cinderella's Fella]

Thanks for the encouragement. It is just so frustrating at times. I consider myself flexible, but hate it that what I say doesn't matter.

Wally, Living my life are you? When my 2 DD's were growing up it was like this. Three girls and me, a common phrase I heard a lot was, "You just don't understand!"

Well, I had a phrase I used a lot also, It was "I have a problem, will you help me with my problem?" I found that by saying things like "You know what your problem is..." It would create walls between the other person and my self. By asking for help with my problem, they will listen better. You know, "the poor male has a problem, I need to help him, because he's just a man." I would then say " I have a problem when you do (insert problem)." It definitely open the lines of communications. Now after all these years, when I say this, it brings a smile to their lips and a big eye roll! They know what I'm doing, but it still works. I use this in my everyday life to, work, friends ect.

Wally, I would start with your wife. That way you both can come to an agreement on how to handle things.

I'm off my soap box now. I hope this helps and feel free to come to the clubhouse to vent.

 

[SAHDad]

MOrning Dads,
Have a lot of reading to catch up on, I see. Earlier this week, my computer wound up infected with the Vista Anitivirus 2012 virus, which is a major pain to get rid of. Basically, lost the computer for a couple of days while I tried to fix it, and the laptop was tasked only with finding ways to reclaim my desktop. I think I have it fixed, and upgraded protection to help make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

[RodBelding]

Morning Guys!

Thanks for the encouragement. It is just so frustrating at times. I consider myself flexible, but hate it that what I say doesn't matter.

Tough situation, sorry to hear that. Personally, I think you're well within your rights to set boundaries and rules when your kids are living under your roof (at your expense), and I can see your frustration with her current actions. Hopefully she's just going through a phase at that age, and will come around soon enough. I hope it works out for you (and you get movie night back!).

 

[wasnotafan]

...
Well, I had a phrase I used a lot also, It was "I have a problem, will you help me with my problem?" I found that by saying things like "You know what your problem is..." It would create walls between the other person and my self. By asking for help with my problem, they will listen better...

Randall, great suggestion! I will have to remember to try that one out.

Looks to be a warmer and sunnier day today.

 

[Cinderella's Fella]

Randall, great suggestion! I will have to remember to try that one out.

Looks to be a warmer and sunnier day today.

Thanks, that phrase and "Yes, Dear" have kept me alive for a long time.

 

[wasnotafan]

Thanks, that phrase and "Yes, Dear" have kept me alive for a long time.

If SWMBO is mad at me I let her have her say. When I am mad at her I go outside. All that fresh air over the years has done me good.

Bachelor life for me now. The family left for the "vacation home" today and I will join them for Christmas. Now I won't feel so guilty spending some long hours in the office this week trying to get caught up. It does them good to get out of the holler as well. If you are born into it I guess you might like it but I realized yesterday when the sun went behind the mountain at 2:18 PM and left the house in shadow that I'm not now, nor ever will be, "mountain folk". I need more than 4.5 hours of sunshine a day.

 

[twokids0204]

Spent the night playing with this video. Still needs work but is OK now. Some editing and need to put in more movies.

Our July Trip to the Keys.



Thanks Andrew for acting as Technical Advisor.

Very Very Cool! two thumbs

 

[twokids0204]

Good morning guys!

Morning David!

 

[AirGoofy]

Well time for Guam came and of course she went and it didn't matter what I said. I told her she needed to find a place of her own if she wanted to keep her current style and attitude.

Well now that you have a little background...here is what pushed me to the edge. She came back from Guam last night. She then told me that she would not be home on the 24th or 25th. this is a big NO NO with me. Christmas has always been family time. Atleast one of those days is reserved for family. I asked why and it was she had plans with friends. I said one of those days was ok, but not both...again what I say doesn't matter. She said we could have dinner today(the 18th) as Christmas dinner--I said no...and asked how she would feel if I moved a Japanese holiday just because I couldn"t be bothered.
Then because I am not happy with DD my wife cancels going to the movies tonight. ( I had been waiting and looking forward to going) and makes me more angry. Wife is in the middle so I can understand, but why is it only what I want to do that gets canceled.
.

Tough situation. I agree with you that if you are paying for the roof or education, then you can set the rules. On the flip side, my dad told me that at 19 & I left home

BUt, I still returned home for Christmas. Now, 20 years after that, I question my own logic for returning home for Christmas. Now, I will take dds to visit them sometime during the holidays, but not on Christmas. My thought is that if I my family doesn't want me 364 days a year, then why do they want me 1 day a year and do they have the right to demand it.

 

[DisneyFed]

I don't even know where to start and if I go downstairs I'm going to lose my temper. So instead I thought I would come up here to my man cave (aka walk in closet that I was allowed to turn into a Dinsey shrine/office) and type it all out.
Ok I guess this all started awhile back and has now just reached a breaking point for me. Just know as I vent that I still love my wife and daughters.
This all comes down to having mutual respect for those you share a living space with and also trying to compromise cultural beliefs/traditions in a two culture home.
The base of the problem extends from my oldest daughters lifestyle choices.....yes she is 20 and an adult, but I am a firm believer of mutual respect. She doesn't do bad things, but I can't agree with some of the choices she has made over the last few years. First she was offered a full international scholarship to UGA(my alma mater) a few years back, but instead she chose to go to a speciality school in Tokyo for 2 years. I didn't like that, but let her choose. Now she is getting ready to finish and has no idea what she is going to do with anything she has learned.(20,000$) down the toilet in my mind.
Second she works in Roppongi (nightlife area in Tokyo). She was working part time at TGIF restaurant, but now on top of that has decided to start dancing in some nightclub...(no not that kind of dancing). Basically to make a long story short she is almost never home and when she is it is only to sleep, raid the fridge and drop off her laundry.) Maybe it's that I was raised different, but this would have never flown with my mom at that age--or any age for that matter. But my wife spoils the girls and the word NO is only in the vocab that she uses with me.
So anyway a few months ago DD decided to take a vacation to Guam...she didn't ask just booked it. I told her as long as she lives in this house (rent free and responsibility free) that things like that needed to be ok'd by me or mom first. I then put 3 conditions on her going.

1.That she change this all night out lifestyle..(she hasn't--it has only gotten worse.
2. Have some idea about her future plans before she left...no idea still
3. Try to help around the house more..(I think she has done laundry 2 times and washed dishes once in two months

Well time for Guam came and of course she went and it didn't matter what I said. I told her she needed to find a place of her own if she wanted to keep her current style and attitude.

Well now that you have a little background...here is what pushed me to the edge. She came back from Guam last night. She then told me that she would not be home on the 24th or 25th. this is a big NO NO with me. Christmas has always been family time. Atleast one of those days is reserved for family. I asked why and it was she had plans with friends. I said one of those days was ok, but not both...again what I say doesn't matter. She said we could have dinner today(the 18th) as Christmas dinner--I said no...and asked how she would feel if I moved a Japanese holiday just because I couldn"t be bothered.
Then because I am not happy with DD my wife cancels going to the movies tonight. ( I had been waiting and looking forward to going) and makes me more angry. Wife is in the middle so I can understand, but why is it only what I want to do that gets canceled.
Ok I probably messed that all up in explaining, but had to vent.

Thanks for listening.

Man, that's tough...REALLY tough...

Sometimes I wonder why kids take advantage of good natures...

There are days I want to launch my Brother in Law and one of my brothers to the moon.

Hang in there!!

By the way, in case anyone is wondering, it's in the high 70s low 80s here--the fishing is awesome, but getting in the mood for Christmas has been difficult--between the weather and work kicking me behind.

 

[AirGoofy]

Fun story. We now have a cook from the Grand Floridean Cafe working in a Owensboro nursing home kitchen. He is looking for a 2nd job as well. He said that it is far cheaper to live in Owensboro, but the precipitating factor was the crime in Orlando. He said that he woke to find a burglar in his child's room. He left quickly and lived with relatives here for 3 months, and now has his own place. He does not have the recipe for the carmelized onion soup, as that was not his section.

 

[twokids0204]

Just know as I vent that I still love my wife and daughters.

Wally, this clearly comes through.

You are having these issues because you care... and frankly, they don't.

Step 1 - is you and DW have to be on the same page. If DD gets mixed messages, she will always gravitate to the option that is the most enticing.

You need to set rules with consequences, and follow through on them. I would suggest start with something small, that you know she will DISobey, and then execut the consequence. This sends the message that when you say something, you mean it. It's easier to take away the car Friday night, then kick her out for good.

You have to be firm, but also fair to her needs. She is 20 and as much as she is your little girl, she is also an adult. Respect is a two way street.


D'oh... did I just take both sides. Although it may sound like I did, I assure you I didn't.

Your house - your rules
You and wife must be on the same page
But don't treat your adult offsping as children
Somewhere in the middle - the answer lives.