DD6 says music teacher pulled her ponytail - WWYD?

[Tiger926]

This is a bit of a tricky situation for me, as I'm a highschool teacher, so I know all about allegations between teachers/students, parents who accuse, etc. I'm hoping some of you can give me some advice as I've only dealt with this from a school perspective in that I've had to talk to other colleagues about their behaviour towards students, etc. It's never been an issue around here.

DD6 has been in private Montessori school since 14 months old - it is a phenomenal school and she is in grade 1, and her baby brother is in the Toddler Class. She has private piano lessons 1x per week, so on Thursday, she had a lesson. She has missed almost 2 weeks of school as she contracted a serious virus, so this was her first full day back (not sure why the piano teacher even gave her a lesson anyway?).

She said that they had 2 other students in class as they are practising for recitals, so as my DD and a friend were doing some quiet work on the carpet in their piano books, she was whispering to her friend (the boy was playing piano) that she had missed her friend, but she had been very sick and was glad to be back at school. She said teacher asked her to be quiet, but she said one more thing, and then teacher came up behind her, pulled her up by her ponytail and directed her towards the desk in the corner so that she could finish her work without disrupting.

My DD told me this in confidence 2 nights ago as we were doing our prayers and talking about our day (we do this at bedtime). She said she had something very important to tell me and we talked about it - I asked a few questions, but let her talk about how upset she was with her teacher for making such a bad choice, and she does not want to return to piano anymore with this teacher. She does love piano, and has asked to find a new teacher. I asked many times if it was true (she doesn't really lie or make up stories at all), and she said absolutely.

I immediately emailed the teacher (it was late at night) and she emailed back that she was surprised as nothing had happened, but my daughter looked pale and tired, and she was sorry that she had been so sick.

I did nothing else about it yesterday, as DH and I had to talk about it, so we did. Last night we had a family meeting, and DD told DH and I the same story again. There was no drama about it - she was very matter of fact in how angry she was with her teacher for doing that, as it hurt, and she didn't want her to do it to anyone else. I said maybe she had a bad day, and she said we taught her that this doesn't make it right, and that adults should know better.

I am now sitting here wondering what to do next? Should I contact piano teacher again, or go right to principal. Principal (she is the owner as well) and I are friends - she is a certified teacher like myself, and is very good to all of the children and parents. I know that once I tell her, she will have the ball rolling before I even finish my sentence as she is that good. She is beyond exceptional and will be very upset when I tell her as regardless of whether my DD misinterpreted something that happened in class, she feels like she can't trust her music teacher anymore and that's a problem. She is a wonderful woman who has won many music and teaching awards, so DH and I are really upset with this information as well. Not to mention that if it's true (and I firmly believe my DD), it means our DD was hurt at the hands of a trusted teacher.

My DD is very bright and articulate, and is very trustworthy, so I believe that something definitely happened in class on Thursday. I am the kind of parent who actually believes that my kids are always guilty - you will never hear "Not my kid" come from these lips, so I always handle concerns in that manner. There was no drama or hysterics at all - I thanked her for confiding in me, asked her a few questions and asked what she thought we should do about it. She wants to talk to the principal and to her music teacher. The problem is, I don't know what to do...

WWYD? Tiger

 

[peemagg]

I would trust your instincts.

Is there anyway that you can speak to her friend or ask the principal to speak to the other children. They would have been witnesses to back your daughter up. Right now it is an adults story against a child and I am sure that the adult figures that (if it did indeed happen) that everyone would think that the child is lying and she would be safe.

My guess is that she acted out of anger or frustration for your daughters talking and acted first, thought about it second. I would get the other kids interpretation on what happened. Maybe this is where the principal can come in to play.

 

[scottishduffy]

How hard did she pull the ponytail?

I must admit I did gentle ponytail tugs to campers to get their attention. It was never hard, about the same strength used to tap on a shoulder. But if their little heads were turned away I would sometimes just lightly tug a ponytail as a playful way of getting their attention and redirecting them to whatever activity we were currently involved in.

Not a single one ever complained of pain, No one ever yelped. It was just a playful tug, as opposed to nagging them repeatedly or anything else. I never thought of this as something the kids would have minded. It was mainly a nonverbal, somewhat playful cue to turn their heads back my way.

If this was what your daughter experienced I would let it go. Maybe just notify the teacher what your daughter stated occured and let the teacher know your daughter is sensitive to touch and to be wary of her hair in the future.

If the teacher tugged her hair in angry manner, or dragged her caveman style across the room I would consider it an issue. However, this teacher may have just been trying to give a playful reminder.

 

[ktlm]

I'm very glad you believed her. I agree with the other poster that you should trust your instincts. When I was 5 or 6, my dance teacher pulled my hair. That was over 30 years ago and I still remember it. She actually was one of those that was really nice to the kids in front of the parents, but when they left she was kind of mean. My mother didn't believe me and wouldn't put me with a different teacher. So, I told her I hated dance and didn't want to go anymore and I quit. I loved dance and this many years later, it still irks me that I had to quit or be scared of that lady.

If I were you, I would probably find her a different piano teacher. I took piano for 13 years and had a few different teachers in that time. One of my teachers won lots of music and teaching awards because his kids seemed so much more advanced than the others in town. It was because he pushed the best of the students with music they weren't ready for and had a tendency get mad and yell and make threats if they didn't get it right (also when the parents weren't around). He sometimes taught by scare tactics. He was actually my grade school's music teacher too. I got along fine with him. He liked me and wasn't that hard on me, although I have to admit in class in school I was sometimes a little intimidated by him. He definitely carried his scare tactics into school. I took from him for 2 years. I never asked to leave him because I was impressing people with such big songs from a little girl (and getting trophys) and I liked the attention, and he was always okay with me. His absolute prize student however turned into a stressed out overpushed basket case and told his mother that the guy was smacking him in the head or hitting his hands when he didn't get things exactly right (not hard enough to hurt him). His mom pulled her two kids out of lessons and told my Mom, which led to my Mom yanking me out of lessons with him. He actually ultimately got fired from the grade school because he kept paddling kids who really didn't do anything wrong and the parents banded together and complained.

 

[tam626]

I would have a face to face meeting with the teacher. Let her know that you have no reason not to believe your daughter & hope something like this never happens again.

 

[krcit]

This happened to my dd a few years ago and I just let it go and I still regret it. She still talks about it and I feel like I let her down a bit for not standing up for her. I just figured she was being a bit dramatic and overreacting at the time but since she still talks about it 5 years later-I was wrong to let it go. I think if I was you maybe I would have a face to face meeting with the teacher and see where to go from there. I might also ask the parent of the other child to very casually try to find out what he saw. Good luck.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

If this did or didn't happen, I would still look for a new piano teacher. It is obvious that your daughter has a problem with this teacher, and why would you want to risk her losing her love of music over disliking a teacher?

I would suspect from the way you told this story, your daughter probably was telling the truth. If you are friends with the owner, I would mention it to her. You might say something about how you are unsure if it is true but you just wanted her to be aware.

 

[Tiger926]

I just spoke to the music teacher by phone, and she didn't really give me much. She said she can't really remember back to Thursday, but she said that class was fine and in fact, my DD was quieter than normal. I said that my DD admitted that she was chatting a bit, and she said no, she was very quiet and concentrated on her piano. She sounded a bit nervous on the phone, and then in the course of discussing this with our daughter, she informed us of another problem (the teacher did not walk her to the playground as per school policy for the classroom teacher handoff, so our DD walked a pretty long way by herself). I asked her what she would suggest we do, and first she said that we should take a week's break from lessons, then she said she would visit her in class and see if our DD wanted to come to her lesson, and if she does, she'll take her. I said I wasn't comfortable with that, as our DD definitely does not want to return to class, so I said how about we visit the piano room like we usually do afterschool, and she said no, that she would rather handle it with my DD during the day. I didn't like this response at all, as this is not what I would have suggested to one of my parents had they suggested this. I would think she'd want to make my DD comfortable if indeed nothing happened - doesn't add up? I told her that our DD wanted to speak to the principal, and she said that wasn't necessary, that perhaps my DD is more sensitive because she's been sick? I was very calm and rational on the phone - I gave her several outs, and in fact, made it sound like my DD might have been disruptive and such, but she didn't admit anything to me at all, so DH and I are even more confused now!

I have just contacted the principal, and I'm sure she'll get back to me as she can. I told my DD that the piano teacher said nothing happened, and she said flat out that she was lying. She reiteratd the whole story again, with a role play (she is very detail oriented) and said this is what happened, end of story. She says she still loves piano, and wants to continue, just not with this teacher.

DH and I are so stressed about it as this teacher just won a most prestigious award - we are worried about what might happen, other parents, etc.

Thanks to all for your suggestions - I will let you all know what happens, Tiger

 

[peemagg]

To me the way the teacher is trying to keep you out of it with your daughter just sends up red flags for me. My guess is that she has now been caught at doing something wrong and she knows it. If your daughter was mine, there would be NO Way that she would be alone with that child at anytime. It is just to easy for her to be threatened and intimidated by the teacher without any witnesses. I say keep on this and do what you need to to protect your daughter.

 

[The Hendies]

Red Flags all over this story! Most 6 year olds who have a history of being honest and respectful would not concoct a story like this just to get out of having this particular piano teacher. The teacher not wanting to meet with both you and your daughter together would make me really suspicious. Set the precedent now, and tell your daughter how glad you are that she feels she can talk openly with you and get her a new piano teacher.

 

[Schmeck]

OK - one question - how much hair did your daughter say the teacher pulled?

 

[MickeyMouse'sBFF]

Trust your daughter. Even if she is flat out lying.. trust your daughter. She is telling you she does not want to go to that teacher anymore. That right there is enough to tell you not to do it. You are on her side... even if nobody else is in this entire world.. Thats your role.
When my son was 6, he was bullied on the bus by some kid. I spoke to the principal in person that afternoon. He was going to talk to the child doing this the next day and then call my son back to the office to let him know he had spoken to that kid and that it wouldnt happen anymore. When he got home the next day, I asked my son if he went back to the principals office that day. He said no. I wanted an end to this, so I called the school to speak to him. He told me he HAD spoken to my son that day. My son was listening to my phone call, and said.. "no he didn't". I asked the pricipal again.. he proceeded to say, Mam.. I know what I did today.. I looked him right in the eye and talked to him in my office. I got off the phone then and listened to my son tell me that was just not true. I told him I believed him. The next day, I spoke to his teacher and asked if he had been called out of class to go see the principal the day before. She said nope~ I went to the principals office at that point and took my son in there. He apologised. He had spoken to a completely different child about the situation. That child had NOTHING to do with it. He was just a deer caught in the headlights and didnt say a word that he didn't know what the principal was talking about. LOL .. Like I said.. TRUST YOUR DAUGHTER!

 

[Tiger926]

To me the way the teacher is trying to keep you out of it with your daughter just sends up red flags for me. My guess is that she has now been caught at doing something wrong and she knows it. If your daughter was mine, there would be NO Way that she would be alone with that child at anytime. It is just to easy for her to be threatened and intimidated by the teacher without any witnesses. I say keep on this and do what you need to to protect your daughter.

I didn't have a good feeling about this either. Like I said, we visit the piano room almost everyday afterschool as we pass by on the way to pick up the baby in his classroom. I suggested that we continue to do this as per normal, and she said that we shouldn't do it. This doesn't sit well as she has always had a very open personality and loves visits to the piano room in between her students.

Red Flags all over this story! Most 6 year olds who have a history of being honest and respectful would not concoct a story like this just to get out of having this particular piano teacher. The teacher not wanting to meet with both you and your daughter together would make me really suspicious. Set the precedent now, and tell your daughter how glad you are that she feels she can talk openly with you and get her a new piano teacher.

Although my DD is very sassy at times, as she is 6, she is very trustworthy, sincere and compassionate. She absolutely loved this teacher and her piano classes, so she would have no reason to make this up. When I asked her if she was making it up, she looked at me with the most perplexed look in her eyes. She said why in the world would I make that up? It happened, and that's why I told you about it. I teach at-risk kids, so I believe I have taught my kids from day one, that we will always listen to them, and go from there, depending upon what they have told us. I hugged her and told her that I was proud of her for telling us, and that she was not in trouble at all.

OK - one question - how much hair did your daughter say the teacher pulled?

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything? But, my daughter has long, curly hair, and it was pulled up in a long ponytail, so she said it hurt when the teacher pulled it.

Trust your daughter. Even if she is flat out lying.. trust your daughter. She is telling you she does not want to go to that teacher anymore. That right there is enough to tell you not to do it. You are on her side... even if nobody else is in this entire world.. Thats your role.
When my son was 6, he was bullied on the bus by some kid. I spoke to the principal in person that afternoon. He was going to talk to the child doing this the next day and then call my son back to the office to let him know he had spoken to that kid and that it wouldnt happen anymore. When he got home the next day, I asked my son if he went back to the principals office that day. He said no. I wanted an end to this, so I called the school to speak to him. He told me he HAD spoken to my son that day. My son was listening to my phone call, and said.. "no he didn't". I asked the pricipal again.. he proceeded to say, Mam.. I know what I did today.. I looked him right in the eye and talked to him in my office. I got off the phone then and listened to my son tell me that was just not true. I told him I believed him. The next day, I spoke to his teacher and asked if he had been called out of class to go see the principal the day before. She said nope~ I went to the principals office at that point and took my son in there. He apologised. He had spoken to a completely different child about the situation. That child had NOTHING to do with it. He was just a deer caught in the headlights and didnt say a word that he didn't know what the principal was talking about. LOL .. Like I said.. TRUST YOUR DAUGHTER!

I'm glad you worked this out for your son's sake. I worked on trust since the day our babies were born, and so my DD knows that she can trust us, and that is why she told us. I am very proud of her - she also said she wants to talk to the music teacher to ask her why she did it, as well as the principal. Honestly, if a kid made up something like that, they wouldn't directly address the teacher or principal at all. She is a very strong kid, and has a very strong sense of morals for such a young girl, so she said that she is not interested in returning to class as the teacher hurt her feelings, and also hurt her head. I really thought perhaps the teacher's watch or ring caught her hair, but DD says no way. I really don't know what happened, but I have no reason not to trust my DD - something happened, and it needs to be addressed.

Thanks to all for your help with this - I'll keep you posted, Tiger

 

[CLR4321]

I would absolutely tell the principal, without hesitation. Sometimes it helps and is easier to write a letter for some people. That is what I would do. Also a written letter is much easier to use when the principal talks to the teacher about the incident, so that nothing is overlooked. In many states, pulling a child's hair would be considered a form of abuse, and would not be tolerated. It would likely lead to suspension or termination of employment for the teacher. A teacher who uses hair pulling as means of redirecting a child certainly has some issues that need to be addressed. They also should not be working with young children, who need teachers with more patience. These types of things need to be reported rather than just shrugged off, otherwise the teacher will continue their behavior.
So sorry to hear that this happened to your DD.

Edit: I just noticed you are in Canada, which I assume also has laws and regulations against these types of things. I said states above...so just wanted to correct myself for your case.

 

[treehugnmama]

I am glad you decided to speak with the owner. It is a very difficult situation but it needed to be done. The fact that she should have walked her to the playground and didn't just gives another reason. Right from the first email the rsponses from the music teacher seemed off to me. I also work with young children and sometimes it is the most respected adults that are taking advantage of children.

I don''t think there is anyway a "pony tail tug" is every appropriate. It doesn't matter how much hair or how hard it was tugged that is unacceptable. I sometimes wear a ponytail and I don't think any adult would every tug my hair to get my attention wether I was looking at them or not.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter and you did the right thing. Somethimes when it is our own child we tend to feel bad about situations like this but I try to look at it this way If one of my students came up and told me this would I let it go...NO. It is so hard when it is our own child as you always wonder if you are making a bigger deal than you should be....I think not good call on going to the owner.

 

[seashoreCM]

First do your best to find out all the facts as to what exactly happened.

Then get a different teacher, or if that is not possible, quit the school and keep pursuing/escalating the matter until you get your money back.

Family hints: http://www.cockam.com/family.htm

 

[Schmeck]

My reason behind asking how much hair was pulled will be revealed after i get my answer

 

[Cinderellabride]

My reason behind asking how much hair was pulled will be revealed after i get my answer

she did answer you.

OP, good for you for believing your daughter. I would not let this go especially since your daughter wants to talk to the principal.

 

[kato0627]

Regardless of how much or how little she pulled of your DD hair, she should not have touched your child. That is my feeling. Let me know what happens. Good luck !!

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

My reason behind asking how much hair was pulled will be revealed after i get my answer

I don't get why you need to know this before you can decide if it was right or wrong but as an earlier poster stated, she did answer you.