DD17 thinks she can go out every night!

[LuvCuteBoys]

If I didn't limit it I'm sure she would never be home.

Is there something she is supposed to be doing when she's home that she's not doing if she's going out with friends instead?

Most people don't want to just sit home... if it's not an issue of you being worried about what she's doing when she goes out, I don't really understand why you wouldn't let her... especially on a weekend night.

 

[disykat]

Geez, I must be a stick in the mud.

As long as she lives in your house, she needs to follow your rules. I also don't see what's wrong with saying she can only go out so many nights per week. Seems to me like 3-4 nights a week is reasonable.

It's true that she will soon be going off to college, and will have more independence, and can basically do as she pleases without your permission, but right now she is still under 18. She is still your responsibility and she needs to respect that.

I agree. I'm assuming by "out" the OP means socializing. I don't have a set number of nights, but if I'm out socializing three nights in a week I know it's time to stay in for a while for down time and family time. I expect the same of my teens. I'm teaching them how to take care of themselves, lessons that will help them when they ARE on their own.

 

[bitohoney]

I took some of your advise and let her go. BUT, she has to stay home an extra night next week. And she's ok with that.
I think teens need rules and limits. These days some are so spoiled. Besides, if they go out every night, how does homework get done?

 

[LuvLDM]

It's Friday night.....why would you make her stay home? If she's home by 9 on the week nights I honestly don't see the problem with her going out. Yes, in my opinion (and you asked) you're wrong for putting a limit on her going out. Sounds like she's a good kid, so I would let her go out.

I agree. I am also confused as to why you would make her stay home on a Friday night?
She is a high school senior w/ good grades, she works 4 days a week and she respects her curfew (which is unreasonably early IMO). I don't get it

 

[LuvLDM]

Just read your update. I'm glad you let her go out, she sounds like a good kid.

 

[shortbun]

I understand that you want her to learn to be happy staying in sometimes. But, it's her senior year and I think you want her to remember the fun, not the drudgery. Perhaps you could reverse your llimit saying she must stay HOME three nights instead of out three night. Also, if she's typical, she'll have loads of school related activity in the evening; does that count? You know colleges love the kids that can pile on activity and still get good grades, right? It's a good trait to be busy when you are young. she has plenty of time to be old and boring when she's old and boring. kwim? Maybe you could lighten up a bit. Also, there are some parents who would love to see their kids happy and active. Really think about this. I DO think you need rules but maybe some more practical ones that do not require renegotiation.

 

[RadioNate]

What exactly is she doing out? You mentioned "how does homework get done, if she is out?" Well she shouldn't be going out if she has school work and house work that isn't getting done. However, if everything is done (chores, homework) then why can't she go out? But good grades, a job, I don't know the 'because I said so' doesn't really fly with me.

 

[aaarcher86]

I don't see anything wrong with limiting times/days of going out during weeknights.

Honestly, after a certain time what can a 17 year old do besides get in trouble?

 

[goofy!]

DD17 is a senior, her grades are good, she got a scholarship...but before the school year started I told her that her nights per week of going out with friends would limited. School nights she has to be home by 9pm, weekend curfew varies but never later than 12. Last week she only stayed home 1 night and that's because I told her she had to.
This week I gave her a limit of 3 nights that she could go out. She's already been out 3 nights this week. So, now she's wanting to go out AGAIN tonight. She said I shouldn't give her a limit and when I do, it makes her want to go out more and she feels like she has to go out.
When she does go out she's on time, give or take a few minutes.
Now, she's upstairs crying (ok so I kinda raised my voice above my normal voice), and I feel like a horrible mother.
I'm a single parent so I have no one else to back me up on this. Am I wrong for putting a limit on the nights she goes out?
If I didn't limit it I'm sure she would never be home.

I would definitely let her go out as long as she obeys curfew and her grades stay up.

It is far better to learn how to manage time and studies now than it will be next year when she is on her own.

Give her some rope and if she makes a mistake, she will learn that going out and keeping good grades is not always doable together.

 

[Pinkpony]

I have twin DS17s. They're good kids, follow all the rules, have great grades. Sounds a lot like your DD. But I wouldn't even think about hog-tying them to the house on a Friday night just because they've been out this week a few times already. It's a long holiday weekend...their friends are all out having fun.

Mine will be 18 in January, so I've already started treating them as adults by lifting many of the rules, such as curfew and reporting in. They appreciate the respect I've given them, and, in turn, they've done a great job of managing themselves.

I vote to give her some room.

 

[MichelleVW]

Oh yes she will as long as she's still in high school.

So that's only a few more months...

I took some of your advise and let her go. BUT, she has to stay home an extra night next week. And she's ok with that.
I think teens need rules and limits. These days some are so spoiled. Besides, if they go out every night, how does homework get done?

She comes home by 9 and then does her homework....it's really simple.

 

[Hannathy]

I have twin DS17s. They're good kids, follow all the rules, have great grades. Sounds a lot like your DD. But I wouldn't even think about hog-tying them to the house on a Friday night just because they've been out this week a few times already. It's a long holiday weekend...their friends are all out having fun.

Mine will be 18 in January, so I've already started treating them as adults by lifting many of the rules, such as curfew and reporting in. They appreciate the respect I've given them, and, in turn, they've done a great job of managing themselves.

I vote to give her some room.

I agree I really don't understand your reasoning other than the worthless because I said so. when she is at college no one will be telling her how many nights to be out or what time to be in, do you really want her to have no experience self monitoring till she has to do it all on her own?

No senior in High School wants to be home on a weekend let alone a holiday weekend!

 

[LisaR]

I agree I really don't understand your reasoning other than the worthless because I said so. when she is at college no one will be telling her how many nights to be out or what time to be in, do you really want her to have no experience self monitoring till she has to do it all on her own?

No senior in High School wants to be home on a weekend let alone a holiday weekend!

We went to a college open house last week and one parent actually asked if there was a curfew and what time are study hours set up and how are they enforced. The guy in charge of housing said these kids need to learn how to monitor themselves and that needed to be taught at a younger age. He said he can easily tell what kids didn't learn that skill beforehand.

 

[Jennasis]

I don't see anything wrong with limiting times/days of going out during weeknights.

Honestly, after a certain time what can a 17 year old do besides get in trouble?

And what certain time is that? When my sister and I were teens, we were out to all hours of the night with our group of friends (she was 17 and I was 14). We were ALWAYS either at our house with this large group of friends or at one of their homes. The group was guys and girls. No drinking, no drugs, no smoking, no sex. We had a ball...watched cheesy movies, listened to music, made movies, goofed off. The rule for sis and I was that mom had to know which home we were at or where we would be (sometimes we'd go to the local diner). If we left that spot, we had to call first and tell her where we were going. This was before cell phones.

I never let DD 19 or DS 22 go out every night either. That being said, I was always the first one to offer them to have their friends over, and I was willing to go out and about with them (mall, move etc).

My DD 19 still has a curfew. I consider it my job as her parent to keep her safe and I don't feel like anything good can happen after midnight. She is a good girl and I am lucky that she does not really want to stay out late anyway.

My 22 year old son is too busy with school and work so he never goes out anyway.

Apparently teens turn into Gremlins?

 

[MELSMICE]

I agree that as long as school, and school nights, are involved, that it is entirely appropriate to limit night-time activities.

But, it is Friday, right...
It is a Holiday, right...
And, this is the night you pick this hill to die on, and keep her from hanging with her friends...
And she has to, especially from her viewpoint, sit at home and stare at the walls....

While I fully agree that 'you are the parent', 'it is your home', yada yada yada....

I think it will be hard to expect respect from a 17 year old when the way you go about setting and enforcing rules does not show a lot of respect for their viewpoint.

My thoughts... You need to set up some agreeable and consistant rules...
(No school nights, No unacceptable activities - have to know where you are, etc....) And, other than that, I think a nearly 18 year old needs to be able to spread their wings a bit.

I especially agree with the part I have bolded about respect. I have told my DH that if we wanted respect from our DD's we should also respect them on their level.

They have always had rules and they know what's expected of them. I believe it is important to respect our kids and talk to them about your feelings and there's. I've never understood the "because I said so" mentality.

What's you're reason & what's the logic behind it? That's goes for both sides - the parent & the child in my opinion.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

As long as her grades are good and there isn't some family thing she needs to do I don't see why she shouldn't be able to go out. Teenagers are very social creatures and feel like they are being tortured if they can't hang out with their own kind .

If her grades start to drop or she begins to come home late then you should start limiting her social time.

 

[Magpie]

I was seventeen when I joined the army reserve. I spent three months living on base, being treated like an adult, with no one telling me how to spend my free time as long as I obeyed the curfew and did my job.

When I came home it was really hard to suddenly start behaving like a child again. My mother and I fought, until I abruptly moved out a few months later. I literally walked out the door after she freaked out because I'd spent the night over at a girlfriend's house "without permission" (I'd left a note abd a phone number for her by the front door, but that wasn't enough, apparently).

Seventeen is nearly adult, and a great age to start giving your daughter some adult responsibilities. As long as she's respecting the curfew, maintaining her grades and not coming home drunk, I think you should respect her desire to hang out with her friends. She'll be gone off to university in just a few months - this is a chance for you to supervise her transition into responsible adulthood.

And if she starts going out seven days a week, you can always negotiate a "family dinner night" or a "family game night". Ex. every Wednesday, she stays home reconnecting with the family.

 

[Planogirl]

I always had limits on how often I could go out too and I never understood it. I never did anything wrong when I went out - I just wanted to hang out with my friends. I just sat in my room and watched TV when I was home.

She sounds like a good girl and I like the idea of letting her pick which nights in the future. This one might have caught her by surprise. Nothing was worse when I was a teen than being stuck at home on a weekend night!

Magpie, my situation was similar. I had moved out but then was in a bad car accident not of my fault and lost my job. I moved home and my mother started trying to impose curfews without any reasoning. I just moved right back out. At that age (19), I was way too independent to follow parent rules.

 

[daisyduck123]

Oh my! I have a DD16 who is a senior. I think 9pm on a school night is fine, but NO WAY would she be out til 1am on a school night. (And yes, her grades are good too...about a 4.7 GPA). 11pm is the latest. She doesn't even have her license yet, so we usually have to pick her up from somewhere, unless a friend brings her home.

 

[hambirg]

I never let DD 19 or DS 22 go out every night either. That being said, I was always the first one to offer them to have their friends over, and I was willing to go out and about with them (mall, move etc).

My DD 19 still has a curfew. I consider it my job as her parent to keep her safe and I don't feel like anything good can happen after midnight. She is a good girl and I am lucky that she does not really want to stay out late anyway.

My 22 year old son is too busy with school and work so he never goes out anyway.

I'm speechless. . I really don't even know what to say.

You do realize that they are both adults, right? Wow. . just wow! My grandfather had 4 kids by the time he was your DS's age! I understand being a vigilant parent. . .but I also can't imagine what is wrong with a 22yr old man that let's his mommy tell him when and when he can't go out! I can only imagine that he will still be living in your basement when he is 40. . .and you will be ok with that.

I foster and encourage independence in my children. . .my oldest is only 15. . .she still has more freedom than your kids. She is an honor student, is never absent, and I don't monitor her school work. She does it all on her own, and has been doing that for years! I don't want to fail my children. And I want them to be fully functioning adults. I want them to think for themselves and not feel dependent on me to tell them what and when to do it. I would never in a million years expect my 22yr old son to still be living with me and having to follow my "rules." By that age they better damn well be on their own and figuring out life. . .mistakes and all! I am not so self-centered as to hold my own children back, whom I love and adore, just to satisfy my own needs.