DD & new BF Vent

[xoprincessmomxo]

I guess I'm confused. Is the guy mean to her? Does he lie to her? Does he hurt her? Is he a bum?

She's 22. Time to let her make her own decisions, even if you think they might be wrong. Since your husband won't even meet him, the BF might turn out to be a nice guy that treats your daughter wonderfully. For me, that would be what was important here.

You do have every right to tell her not to rush things, though. Just don't tell her you think she's too good for him or how much you don't like him (unless there's a very good reason,) He will most likely be your future SIL someday.

 

[Serena]

Exactly. She is an adult. Not 16.

I went through it at 16. I spent so much time defending him and making excuses for him to my mom that I took a lot longer to come to my senses, but I did.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm sure it's upsetting to you right now, but I don't see a whole lot here to worry about. This is the "rebound guy". He won't be in the picture too long, and since they're talking about a 2012 wedding, she'll see the light long before that.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Wow.

Let me give you an idea of your DD's perspective here.

I met my bf when exbf and I were on the outs. exbf was a drunk, loser who treated me like crap (can I say crap here?). We were together for 3 years but he refused to committ to me for 2 1/2 of those years. We finally broke up when he refused to stop contacting a prior gf and I got fed up.

Yes, meeting and befriending a nice guy like current bf pushed me to ditch the loser. My bf was the best thing to ever happen to me. Otherwise my self esteem was so beaten down and bad when I was with ex that I might have stayed with ex and continued to be treated like crap.

bf & I started dating not a whole week but THREE DAYS later. Yes, a mere 3 days later, bf & I committed to each other (a big deal to both of us not to "see other people") and have now been happily together for a year. We'd been close friends, he saw how badly I was hurt by a cheating ex and he didn't want me to ever think he was running around so we committed immediately. The only person who had any problem with this was my ex. haha. He threw a hissy fit and said I was "obviously cheating while we were together".

I was not.

I never once even so much as held bf's hand until I told ex bf it was over. But you have to understand also, that I was getting over ex bf long before we actually split up because I was getting so sick of his nonsense. I no longer speak to or have any contact with my ex.

If BF asked me to marry him today, I certainly would say yes and quite frankly if my mother reacted the way you are reacting, I'd be so furious that I would likely just exclude her from all of the wedding plans and I don't know that I'd ever be able to heal that relationship.

I'm also curious what your idea of trailer trash is? I come from a wealthy, white collar family. I work a good paying, white collar office job. Bf, otoh, grew up in an apartment with his parents and 2 brothers. He works in a factory. He has long hair and lives in a rural area. He is also the most devoted, loyal, appreciative and loving man I have ever met and I thank my lucky stars every day that he came along and "stole" me from my "wealthy, white collar" ex.

My parents adore him. My brother who has hated every bf I have had since I was 16 thinks he is " a good guy". But I'll tell ya, he won my heart forever (as well as my mom & dads) when he...on his own... went out and bought my mother a Mother's Day card. I did not tell him to do so. He just did. That same day, my mom called me and told me "wow, he scored major brownie points on that one".

So maybe give this guy a chance. You don't know him. You say your husband wont even meet him? Your dd might be 10 years younger than me, but she is still a grown woman. People make mistakes. Most learn from them. I wouldn't be shocked if her situation is similar to mine.

 

[MrsPete]

Oh please don't go there with your Daughter. I am 37. I meet my husband when I was 23 he was 26- we were married a year 1/2 later - My mom hated him. All she would say is he is trash he isn't good enough he is poor his family is white trash, disfunctional. yada yada yada... this went on and on and into BIG blow ups. .

Reading this, I'm thinking about how my mom handled difficult situations with my father. He abandoned us, didn't work regularly, and pretty much forgot that we existed. I know, a father is different from a boyfriend -- but stick with me, there's a point here.

Even when he was putting us through awful times, my mother never bad-mouthed my father. She sure could've done so. BUT she also didn't hide the truth from us. If we asked for something, she'd say, "I'm sorry, but I can't afford that because your father hasn't paid child support." She could've easily said, "That sorry SOB, he doesn't care about you!" . . . but she didn't. She just stated the facts. No venom in her voice. Just facts. If we asked whether he would be visiting us for Christmas or attending a graduation, she'd say, "I don't know. Why don't you call him and ask?" She could've easily said, "The lazy bum! He didn't come to your brother's graduation, why would you think he'd care enough to come to yours?" The result was that we all formed our own conclusions about him, and we respected her for her position.

In the case of this boyfriend, I think it's fine to -- at appropriate times -- to point out difficulties. In a matter of fact way. Don't sugar-coat things, don't gloss over things, but state them as facts. And don't do it every time you see her.

 

[Pigeon]

She's 22. Stay out of it. Meet the boyfriend and be pleasant. Never, ever say negative things about him. That's the fastest way to make him much more appealing than he actually is.

It's no wonder your dd lies to you. You aren't recognizing her right to manage her own relationships as an adult.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I went through it at 19. My dad didn't like my boyfriend. We lived together for 5 years and I went through abuse (both physical and emotional - even to the point that he once pulled a knife and held it to my wrist threatening to carve his initials in my wrist if I left) without telling anyone because I figured it would just be my fault anyway since I hadn't listened to dad. My dad had been abusive as well when I was young, so I should have known that an abuser would recognize another abuser. If you let her think that you at least accept him, she'll be more likely to come to you if he treats her badly.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Oh boy, I can already see my future in the OP's post. I have a 16 year old who has made some poor choices, one mainly, but continues to push it.

I just hope that when my DD is 22, she will make better choices, but when she is an adult, there is nothing that I can do about it. She is going to have to make mistakes in order to learn. We have raised her well, just like the OP has, and we just pray that she falls back on some of the things that we have taught her. I also totally agree that the more you try to push them away from each other, the more they go straight for it. They think that they know better than us I guess and sometimes they do & sometimes they don't.

I dated guys that my parents hated, but they never said to much about it although I knew. I was just told that I needed to quit feeling sorry for them and you can't change people. I find myself telling my DD the same things.

I was 20 when I met my DH. We were married 6 months later. We have now been married for almost 20 years, half of my life. There is hope for our children. We just need to let them live and learn I guess.

 

[Maridw]

things will happen before 2012 wihtout you or Dh interfering. You may like him more or she may break up wiht him. let her do her own thing. The more you trust her the more she will stop stretching the truth with you. let her grow up.

My DD is not getting married in 2012, it is my friend's DD that is getting married then. My DD is looking at getting married in Oct 2010.

I know I have not spent enough time with J to get to really know him, we had all of 5 minutes talking when DD stopped by my office. I guess I wouldn't worry so much but she does seem to have this "need" for attention. She used to do it when she was little, but it stopped after she got into school.

I would never say anything negative about J to her. That is one thing I learned after my first husband & I split (DD's father). Even though he never contacted her, I never once said anything bad about him to her. When she received a Christmas gift from him one year (signed with his name, not dad), I asked her if she knew who it was from. She didn't know, so I explained that my DH was her daddy and my ex was her father. My DH has been her dad since she was 5. She didn't have contact with my ex from the time she was 3 until she was 16 - his choice not mine.

I let her talk to me about things and don't judge. When she stated talking about her & J getting a triplex trailer, I just said, don't rush things, plus she is still in a lease until next May with her apt.

We have always been proud of DD. My DH keeps saying that she is very smart and could do what ever she put her mind to. He says that he wishes it was that easy for him. In some ways, I see myself all over again in her. I know I went through a very rebellious period when I was about her age.

As I said, I really have not spent enough time with J to really know him. I am trying to keep an open mind. But in the past year, DD was going to go in the Military and then didn't. Really don't think she wanted to, but kept saying she was and then came up with some excuse as to why she couldn't "get" in.

I love my DD and just want the best for her. Maybe I am a "snob", but she has never wanted for anything growing up. We never overdid anything or overly spoiled her. She knew that sometimes we just couldn't afford some things. She & I took dance together for years. When she decided she did not want to dance anymore, I didn't push her. I still dance because I love it. She used to love computers and went to the tech academy at her high school. Now she doesn't know what she wants to do, but she knows that she needs to get into a better job.

Thank you for all your input.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's no wonder your dd lies to you. You aren't recognizing her right to manage her own relationships as an adult.

Yea, that is certainly a factor in your relationship with your dd OP.

I have to say that the dd does have to "woman up" as far as just coming out with you and being honest.

At the same time if you are so adament in not allowing her to express herself at home with you and your dh she is going to have to lie to you so she doesn't hear it.

It really puts the kid in a very awkward position. If she is living at home and you were my parent, I would move out and live with the guy.

Does she live at home? That would be a tense situation. Just hang in there. Maybe when she finds her direction you will feel better.

 

[karibritt01]

I have only met J once and he seemed nice but....My DH doesn't not want to meet this new bf of dd's.

Maybe this is the problem. You are passing judgement on this guy (and your DD) from pictures and assumptions. You need to give the guy a chance. Your DH needs to get to know him. There may be more to him than either of you are giving him credit for.

speaking from someone who went through something similar I don't see her moving on that quickly as something that alarming. I was seeing someone for 3 months who I thought I cared about, we broke up and less than two months later I met my husband. We fell in love quickly...

I have to agree with this. I dated a guy for almost a year, and we were very serious. Near the end of the relationship, he was drinking a lot and beginning to get overly possessive, and occasionally abusive. I met my DH through friends in Jan, and we were just friends. Even though I was dating BF, my mind kept comparing the way both guys treated me, and BF was falling short every time. I broke up with my BF in May, and began dating my DH in June. We have now been married for almost 16 years. Just saying that being friends with this guy could have been evolving for some time into a relationship, so things may not have progressed as quickly as you think.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Maybe this is the problem. You are passing judgement on this guy (and your DD) from pictures and assumptions. You need to give the guy a chance. Your DH needs to get to know him. There may be more to him than either of you are giving him credit for.



I have to agree with this. I dated a guy for almost a year, and we were very serious. Near the end of the relationship, he was drinking a lot and beginning to get overly possessive, and occasionally abusive. I met my DH through friends in Jan, and we were just friends. Even though I was dating BF, my mind kept comparing the way both guys treated me, and BF was falling short every time. I broke up with my BF in May, and began dating my DH in June. We have now been married for almost 16 years. Just saying that being friends with this guy could have been evolving for some time into a relationship, so things may not have progressed as quickly as you think.

That sounds exactly like my story. Except we're not married yet. I did the comparing etc too. If I had a DD and she went for the guy who treated her well, I'd be happy for her and I'd be very concerned if she stayed with the drunk abuser.

 

[Maridw]

We have always let DD express herself. We have never run her life for her. When she got her first car at 19, the only thing we requested was that she send us a note to let us know she got where she was going safely and to let us know if she was going to be late. We never set a curfew on her, but we asked that she not stay out all night without letting us know, so that we wouldn't be worried that she had been in an accident.

She does not live at home and hasn't for over a year. We have never said anything negative about any of her relationships. I have always kept an avenue open for her to talk to me, if she needed it. I have never shut her out completely. We have helped her out quite a few times. When her car was totaled in an accident, she drove mine and I drove my DH's. We were able to do this because we had another car that DH could drive.

As I said, she has never wanted for anything and we have always tried to help her where we can. Even when she was with a guy that was very controlling, I didn't say anything against him. I let her figure it out and she finally did and left him. Her last bf tried to control her and she got rid of him because she did not want another controlling relationship. I was proud of her when I found out that she was standing up for herself and not taking any guff from anyone.

I try to respect her decisions, but I guess every parent wants to see their child succeed in life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We have always let DD express herself. We have never run her life for her. When she got her first car at 19, the only thing we requested was that she send us a note to let us know she got where she was going safely and to let us know if she was going to be late. We never set a curfew on her, but we asked that she not stay out all night without letting us know, so that we wouldn't be worried that she had been in an accident.

She does not live at home and hasn't for over a year. We have never said anything negative about any of her relationships. I have always kept an avenue open for her to talk to me, if she needed it. I have never shut her out completely. We have helped her out quite a few times. When her car was totaled in an accident, she drove mine and I drove my DH's. We were able to do this because we had another car that DH could drive.

As I said, she has never wanted for anything and we have always tried to help her where we can. Even when she was with a guy that was very controlling, I didn't say anything against him. I let her figure it out and she finally did and left him. Her last bf tried to control her and she got rid of him because she did not want another controlling relationship. I was proud of her when I found out that she was standing up for herself and not taking any guff from anyone.

I try to respect her decisions, but I guess every parent wants to see their child succeed in life.

It sounds like she already is! She is moved out and supporting herself.

Just let things work itself out like you have been doing. I understand wanting your child to succeed in life and boyfriends. We have the same thing here.

 

[rie'smom]

I skimmed the OP and thought this was about a teenager. She's 29 and old enough to make her own mistakes. It doesn't matter what your bf's daughter is doing. You can't compare them because they're different people. It sounds like your daughter has self esteem issues. Until she fixes that, her life won't improve.

 

[karibritt01]

Even when she was with a guy that was very controlling, I didn't say anything against him. I let her figure it out and she finally did and left him. Her last bf tried to control her and she got rid of him because she did not want another controlling relationship. I was proud of her when I found out that she was standing up for herself and not taking any guff from anyone.

I try to respect her decisions, but I guess every parent wants to see their child succeed in life.

Sounds like maybe she is headed in the right direction. Maybe there is more to this new guy than you think, and she sees that. Get to know him and give him a chance.

 

[C.Ann]

Seeing some pictures of her and J with a couple of their friends and the first thing in to my head is "Trailer Trash".

I can't even get past this statement.. And you wonder why she lies to you??

 

[Maridw]

I can't even get past this statement.. And you wonder why she lies to you??

As I said, the first thing in to my head...

I did not say this out loud, I would never say anything like that to my DD.

I normally do not express views like this. My DD has had friends that were very poor for want of a better word. She had one little girl come to her birthday party and gave her a doll. Obviously this doll was hand made and must have been her's orginially. But she wanted to give it to my DD as a birthday present. DD thought it was very generous of the girl to give it to her. A couple of the other girls at the party made a snide comment about it, but my DD thanked the little girl and treated her as if she had given her a fancy store bought doll. She had the doll for a couple years, she didn't want to get rid of it because she knew what that doll represented.

This is the way my DD is. It was the way she was raised. I have friends from all walks of life and have never treated one better than others because it was the way I was raised.

My mother always said that class isn't about money, it is about how you present yourself. My ex husband always thought that we had money because of the way my family presented themselves. We weren't rich, we were comfortable (as my mom would say).

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Sorry, I had to edit myself. It wouldn't have been helpful.

 

[SC Minnie]

Why not invite them both over for a casual dinner or something so you can get to know him? It will also give you a chance to see how they interact together. If my DD was supposedly engaged I would want to know this guy and see for myself how he treats her.