DD & new BF Vent

[Maridw]

DD got rid of her last bf - "G" - at the beginning of July. Now she is seeing someone else and things are moving waaaayyyyy to fast for me. DD is 22 (23 in Jan). BF - "J"- is 29. When she got rid of last bf, she told me new bf & her were just friends.

A week later they are dating. Supposedly they have known each other for 6 months. She only started mentioning him in June. I have only met J once and he seemed nice but....

DD was raised with certain values and in the last couple years we have found that she stretches the truth or flat out lies to us. We have caught her in some of these lies and my DH is really disappointed in her. He blames himself. I keep telling him it was nothing we did. We have always stressed for her to be honest with us. We would still love her and be proud of her.

Seeing some pictures of her and J with a couple of their friends and the first thing in to my head is "Trailer Trash". They are supposedly "Engaged" and he has a ring on layaway for her. A friend & I were talking about it today, and I said when I see the ring on her hand, then I might believe it. But right now I just don't want to discuss it with even my Very Best Friend. My BF dd found out and that is the only reason she knows. DD told another good friend and that is who I ws talking with today.

I hate to see her throw her life away, but I can't get her to believe that she is a beautiful young lady and deserves better. She is in a nowhere job. Right now her only ambition it seems is to get married. My bf's dd just got engaged at the beginning of June - wedding planned for 2012 once they both finish college.

My DH doesn't not want to meet this new bf of dd's.

Thank you for letting me vent.

 

[robinb]

My DD is only 9-years old so I have all that growing up and BF stuff to look forward to. No advise but {{hugs}} for you. I hope everything works out for your family.

 

[Serena]

Stop right now. Do not go where you are going. Do not say anything negative about the boyfriend, don't even give her a roll of the eyes when she talks about him. The more you push, the more she will push back and you won't be happy about it. She has to figure this out on her own. If she asks for your opinion, give it gently and carefully, but otherwise don't.

Be her examples, trust her to come to her senses on her own. She has to do this on her own. And be there to pick up the pieces, no matter what she does.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

This is a hard time....out of my 6 or so close friends, almost all of them were married right out of college. Your daughter may have the "I want to get married" bug, but it will probably fade. Take a step back and wait till she comes to you for advice or with questions...she will. If you confront her too much, she will feel pitted against you and go to the boyfriend for support...and feel more connected to him....and the cycle continues...

What issues (value-wise) are coming up? I would suggesting letting some of them go (so many crazy things happen at that age...chances are, she is doing a lot less than lots of her friends ) and focus on the few that are super important to you.

I hope this all works out!

 

[pyrxtc]

things will happen before 2012 wihtout you or Dh interfering. You may like him more or she may break up wiht him. let her do her own thing. The more you trust her the more she will stop stretching the truth with you. let her grow up.

 

[disneyjunkie]

DD got rid of her last bf - "G" - at the beginning of July. Now she is seeing someone else and things are moving waaaayyyyy to fast for me. DD is 22 (23 in Jan). BF - "J"- is 29. When she got rid of last bf, she told me new bf & her were just friends.

A week later they are dating. Supposedly they have known each other for 6 months. She only started mentioning him in June. I have only met J once and he seemed nice but....

DD was raised with certain values and in the last couple years we have found that she stretches the truth or flat out lies to us. We have caught her in some of these lies and my DH is really disappointed in her. He blames himself. I keep telling him it was nothing we did. We have always stressed for her to be honest with us. We would still love her and be proud of her.

Seeing some pictures of her and J with a couple of their friends and the first thing in to my head is "Trailer Trash". They are supposedly "Engaged" and he has a ring on layaway for her. A friend & I were talking about it today, and I said when I see the ring on her hand, then I might believe it. But right now I just don't want to discuss it with even my Very Best Friend. My BF dd found out and that is the only reason she knows. DD told another good friend and that is who I ws talking with today.

I hate to see her throw her life away, but I can't get her to believe that she is a beautiful young lady and deserves better. She is in a nowhere job. Right now her only ambition it seems is to get married. My bf's dd just got engaged at the beginning of June - wedding planned for 2012 once they both finish college.

My DH doesn't not want to meet this new bf of dd's.

Thank you for letting me vent.

I don't get it. What's wrong with the guy?

Why do you think your daughter would be throwing her life away if she marries him?

To be honest, based on what you posted, if I were J's mom, I'd want him to stay clear of your daughter. She broke up with one man and is ready to marry another all in one month. Not good.

Who knows J may end up being a better husband than the man your friend’s daughter is engaged to.

 

[golfgal]

I don't get it. What's wrong with the guy?

Why do you think your daughter would be throwing her life away if she marries him?

To be honest, based on what you posted, if I were J's mom, I'd want him to stay clear of your daughter. She broke up with one man and is ready to marry another all in one month. Not good.

Who knows J may end up being a better husband than the man your friend’s daughter is engaged to.

I have to agree, OP you come of sounding like a snob. You also sound way too involved in your ADULT DD's life. Perhaps this is why she is so anxious to get married and out of the house. If she loves him and he loves her and they treat each other well, what is wrong with that?

 

[Acklander]

DD was raised with certain values and in the last couple years we have found that she stretches the truth or flat out lies to us. We have caught her in some of these lies and my DH is really disappointed in her. He blames himself. I keep telling him it was nothing we did. We have always stressed for her to be honest with us. We would still love her and be proud of her.

.

She probably stretches the truth and lies to you to avoid conflict. She's an adult, you need to start treating her like one and accept her choices, even if you don't agree with them. Once you start accepting her for who she is, she'll probably stop lying to you.

 

[MELISAZACK]

Oh please don't go there with your Daughter. I am 37. I meet my husband when I was 23 he was 26- we were married a year 1/2 later - My mom hated him. All she would say is he is trash he isn't good enough he is poor his family is white trash, disfunctional. yada yada yada... this went on and on and into BIG blow ups.
I stuck to what I knew at the time and pushed through and fought with her all the way up to the wedding date. This also made my DH hate my mom but I can't blame him- You might of thought my mom was raised in Beverly Hills with gold spoons in her mouth, which was not the case by FAR she was very poor, so I don't know where she got off with her comments... But my wedding went on the the fights and arguements continured over the years.
But turns out we are going on our 14 yr wedding anniversary this Nov we have a Lovely 11 yr old son - a Nice single home a dog and parrott and no Debt... so what more can you ask for. Now DH does have some bad health issues but nothing anyone would of foreseen 15 yrs ago.. We have had some fights over the year and my MOM has put a strain on us at times cause even 15 yrs later her opinions don't really change.. I was very close to my mom growing up and this attitude of hers really shed new light on her and made me dislike alot about her in the end. She is still my mom and always will be but I will always have these bad memories to take with me.
so please whatch what you say and how you play it, because the BF could be around for a long time and turn out better than you think.

 

[Uuaww]

A week later they are dating. Supposedly they have known each other for 6 months. She only started mentioning him in June. I have only met J once and he seemed nice but....


Thank you for letting me vent.

So he seemed nice but not good enough is basically what you are saying. As long as they are happy, who cares? either you need to give more information as to why you don't like this guy or expect fire.

 

[MELISAZACK]

She probably stretches the truth and lies to you to avoid conflict. She's an adult, you need to start treating her like one and accept her choices, even if you don't agree with them. Once you start accepting her for who she is, she'll probably stop lying to you.

That is a true statement too... I still don't tell my mom all the stuff that I could anymore - mainly because I don't want to hear her CRAP about what she disagrees with or doesn't care for. So it does tend to make you want to lie stretch the truth or whatever. weather that is wrong or right.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree with the PP's, you need to stop. My DS was dating the nastiest girl I had ever met. I did not like her before they started dating but after they dated I had nightmares. My DH told me to stop. Just stop. He said if I could not find anything nice to say I was to say nothing. Not one negative word ever. It was not easy to step back but I just did and would even find a few nice things to say. He broke up with her on his own because I had stopped forcing him to defend her and his own judgement. Now he is married to a lovely woman and I consider myself blessed.

OP- you cannot choose your child's partner. I always pictured one kind of spouse for my DD and for my DS's and honestly my DDIL and my DSIL probably would not have fit into my picture perfect plan for them. Thank goodness for that, they are both so much better in their lives having made theri own choices! Let you DD live her life, she will let you know if she wants guidance from you.

 

[powellrj]

She is an adult, you need to stay out of it.

Your DH doesn't even want to meet the guy??????

Back off or she may marry him just out of spite.

 

[crz4mm2]

Stop right now. Do not go where you are going. Do not say anything negative about the boyfriend, don't even give her a roll of the eyes when she talks about him. The more you push, the more she will push back and you won't be happy about it. She has to figure this out on her own. If she asks for your opinion, give it gently and carefully, but otherwise don't.

Be her examples, trust her to come to her senses on her own. She has to do this on her own. And be there to pick up the pieces, no matter what she does.

EXCELLENT post. She is a smart young woman who has been raised well. She will figure it out.
Been there, done that (but I WAS only 16...).

 

[monkey68]

I agree with everyone else, she is an adult and you need to stay out of it. The more you push her, the more she pushes back and will defend him. She may also be going through the whole "everyone is in a relationship and getting engaged" phase, and she wants that too, and he's available. I'll admit, I've dated people before just because they were convenient and were there. All my friends were in serious relationships and getting married, I wanted that too. So I went through a stupid phase where I decided it was better to be with somebody I was just meh with than be single. Eventually, I wised up.

 

[LoraJ]

Stop right now. Do not go where you are going. Do not say anything negative about the boyfriend, don't even give her a roll of the eyes when she talks about him. The more you push, the more she will push back and you won't be happy about it. She has to figure this out on her own. If she asks for your opinion, give it gently and carefully, but otherwise don't.

Be her examples, trust her to come to her senses on her own. She has to do this on her own. And be there to pick up the pieces, no matter what she does.

Exactly. She is an adult. Not 16.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess my advice is to step back and say nothing or do anything that you will regret later.

You do not like her choices in life now however time has a way of working things out.

I do agree that the more you push her the harder she will push back.

 

[jog58]

I am only a few years older than your daughter [25] but speaking from someone who went through something similar I don't see her moving on that quickly as something that alarming. I was seeing someone for 3 months who I thought I cared about, we broke up and less than two months later I met my husband. We fell in love quickly and started talking marriage. We have been together for the last 6 years [married for two]. Don't judge her because it seems to you like she's moving from guy to guy so quickly. Things just don't work out with some and will click immideatly with others.

If he's treating her right and they care for each other just let her do her thing. If it doesn't work out then lesson learned, but it's a lesson she has to learn on her own. Unless this relationship is causing her physical or emotional harm then just be there for her because as others have said if you push things she'll just push back harder. Good luck.

P.S.
My DH's family was not very fond of me at first [due to my race] I had a job, went to school full time and DH and I were/are very in love but they did not want us together and DH was forced to cut them out of his life until they came around. It's not a pleasant thing in any family.

 

[Boo'sMom]

Stop right now. Do not go where you are going. Do not say anything negative about the boyfriend, don't even give her a roll of the eyes when she talks about him. The more you push, the more she will push back and you won't be happy about it. She has to figure this out on her own. If she asks for your opinion, give it gently and carefully, but otherwise don't.

Be her examples, trust her to come to her senses on her own. She has to do this on her own. And be there to pick up the pieces, no matter what she does.

as always, Serena has terrific advice.

 

[mumom95]

Be careful OP. I've been in the kind of situation where my boyfriend's mother went ballistic and threw and absolute fit when we got engaged for no legitimate reason.

Guess what, it's been almost 16 years since then, and I still haven't forgiven her (and probably never will). The beginning of a relationship is an important time, and if you start out your relationship with the person who could someday be the father of your grandchildren in a negative way, it may always be negative.