DD hates me

People are reading all sorts of things into this that may or may not be there, probably biased by their own lives. It's pretty simple.

This family talks daily, while the DD is on the way to work. DD broke the well-established routine and didn't call one day, so her mom phone two lousy times to check on the DD. She got no response. The next day, she calls again with no response and begins to leave messages much more frequently. That's understandable. Was she in a bit of a panic? Maybe. But the daughter had not contacted her in two days, depsite numerous messages and that sent up red flags.

After failing to receive any response for two days, the mom resorted to calling the DD's place of employment and yes, she spoke to multiple people trying to find her DD. It probably freaked her that the first few seemed clueless as to where the DD even was. (Laying dead in a ditch somehwere, maybe? It happens.)

The DD sure managed to get her hands on a phone PDQ when she wanted to call the mom and tell her she "hate, hate, hated her." If she'd have used one brain cell and one hand to borrow that same phone (or use a work phone) to call mom after seeing the numerous messages and called mom to say, "I'm fine. My phone is just acting up," all would have been well.

I'm sorry, but telling your mom you hate her (at age 26) because she was justifiably worried about you is ungrateful, mean and inexcusable. She could tell her mom was concerned from all the messages left, but never took one second to call her and calm her fears. Talk about me, me, me. To be blunt, the DD brought the phone calls to her office on herself by not calling her worried mother over the course of two days. She got her hands on a phone super fast when she wanted to bash her mom......funny, that.

Hell would freeze over before I apologized to my DD if she acted that way. By the same token, the daily phone contact would probably cease as well. What a brat.

Look, stuff happens. A friend of mine just had a co-worker die in his 30s. He sat at home for a few days, dead as could be, missing work while people wondered where he was. After 3 days, they checked and found him. That poor guy had no parents to check on him....So no one to miss his phone calls. He may have been dead up to 5 days. I'm sure this kind of thing crossed the mom's mind. When my mother failed to answer the phone and my sister was used to talking to her daily, she had someone check on our mom. She was nearly dead and spent weeks in the hospital recovering. The DD ought to be thankful to have parents who give a rat's hiney about her.
 
I agree with Emom.

funny how a phone was readily available when she wanted to voice her displeasure.

I know when I call my mom and she doesnt' answer and she hadn't mentioned that she was going to be away I worry about her. why wouldn't I? I love her.

I don't know if I could live with myself if I just gave up on calling and then found out later that she was actually in danger and I did nothing to try to find her.

its jsut common sense that people would worry when you break routine... and it's just selfishness to talk about how it affected you to have someone worried about you
 
I said this earlier in the thread, but it seems to have been skipped over. :)

Just because this is what the OP "heard" isn't necessarily what the DD said. :)
Agreed.

I know a number of people that would hear "I hate, hate, hate that you did this" as "I hate, hate, hate you for doing this".
 

I never said she was a stalker, I said her behavior is borderline stalkerish, which it is, calling every hour and checking in at work, questioning co-workers, all because your dd missed one phone call is taking things to the extreme. Now, I think its a bit ridiculous to ask if she was hurt or worse would that be any different because there were no signs of anything wrong except not getting a phone call. She wasn't hurt, her phone was broken a logical explanation, something that apparently the OP didn't even consider (that there was a logical explanation). People forget to call, they get busy and expect to call later, phones break, it happens all the time, so that very very slim chance (I'm sure you can even google the stats of this if you really wanted) that something could have happened doesn't change the fact that the OP over-reacted to her dd not calling her.[/QUOTE]

:lmao:

I LOVE when people trot out this classic backpeddle. Nicely played.
 

It really is interesting to see how things work in different families....

in my family, I would totally panic if I had not heard from someone in my family in 1-2 days... it seems like one or the other of us are always talking, and I may not talk to my mother for a day or two, but my sister would have or my other sister or my brother...etc.. Same w/ DH's family. We are very luck to have such a close knit family. yet, we are not "micromanaging each others lives.. just chatting :)

FWIW, I am upper managment at our business. (the only 2 people with more authority then I have own company) and if my family were to call me because they have not been able to reach me, the only "effect" would be that my boss would give me a hard time about worrying my mother, but it would not "ruin" my life or my career. I guess I'm equally blessed to work at a company that also cares about me and my family.

I think alot of people are getting hung up on the mother/daughter realtionship. This would apply to anyone that you normally talk to on a daily basis... For those of you who think it's "WIERD" etc... put yourself in the place of the mother... if there was someone ANYONE in your life that called you every single day and then suddenly did not.. and you tried calling them and left them a message and then the next day, you STILL had not heard from them, so you call some more and STILL don't get an answer... would you honestly NOT get concerned??? at any point ????

oh, btw, as close at my family is... they know my friends (and are around them quite a bit), but they dont' have any of my friends Phone Numbers...and none of my friends have landlines, and like I, have unlisted Cell numbers, so HOW would my mother have ever been able to get ahold of one of my friends? After checking w/ my DH & silbings (OP's daughter is an only child?) the very next place my mother would have called would be my work and I'm ok with that!

OP - I'm with you on this one and I would just let her stew until she called you. My fingers would fall off before I called her after she spoke that way to me! Let her call you once she has calmed down and grown up. Its a good thing she's an only child.. if I had worried my mother like this, my SIBLINGS would have come after me and ripped me a new one! LOL.
 
OMG that just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you have to see things like this in your line of work. Hopefully you and the other staff at the hospital were able to give her a little peace as she passed. What a heartbreaking story. :sad1::guilty:

Thanks, and yes it was very sad. Nurses were with her, but we didn't even know her name.


Back to the thread, I was married at 26, so I didn't (and still don't) talk to my parents daily, just because I'm busy, not because I don't enjoy talking to them. However, I have a DH and children who would notice if I suddenly disappeared. It sounds like the OP's DD is single and lives alone (no mention of trying to call a roommate). If she wanted "space" from her mom, all she needed to do would be to call and say, "Hey, I'm taking a couple of days off, I'll call you Friday."

It's scary to think that a person would have NO ONE to notice if they were gone. Those of you who don't talk to your parents very often, I presume there is someone else in your life who would look for you if you disappeared.

Even 40 years ago, (before cell phones) my parents always told the other one where they were going and when they expected to be back. It's just common courtesy. I worry now if DH is more than 15 minutes late from work. He commutes on one of the worst highways in the state. If he leaves late or gets stuck in traffic he calls me.

Like many others have said, it's not the frequency of the contact that's important, it's the breaking of an established pattern. A HUGE red flag. What was going on with the DD *all day Tuesday and most of Wednesday* that she couldn't contact her mom in any way? No email, no quick call from work, nothing?? :sad2:

My guess is she wouldn't hate her mom if she'd run off the road and been lying somewhere cold and in pain waiting to be found.
 
I am so very confused.

Your daughter didn't have any other way to contact you? At all? No landline? No email? She can't send you a text or something?

Your DD is overreacting. What if there was a problem? Like you were sick, or somebody was dead. She should have gotten back in contact with you earlier to find out what the problem was.
 
I'm 26 and talk to my mom every day/every other day. And yes, if it's been more than that, one of us will call the other just because we haven't heard from each other in a while. I don't see it as codependent, to me, keeping a relationship between two adults in the "I'm the parent, you are the child" frame of mind is stranger than moving to a friendship. But whatever. I talk to my MIL about once a week too:scared1::rotfl: on the other hand, I only talk to my sister once every 1-2weeks. That's the way she likes it and that's cool with me. I see her post on FB every couple of days, so I know she's alive;)

My mom would have done the exact same thing. As a matter of fact, a few days ago, she got a strange phone call that was for some reason labeled from my phone. Then she couldn't get ahold of me (phone was on silent) and finally called my DH in a panic, as she's walking out the door to drive the hour to my house. Why? Because my mom is a bit of a nut. Her imagination runs wild and she overreacts. I know she does it out of love and I know she's a bit of a nut, so I let it go, it's not worth getting upset over it.

IMO, the daughter acted like a brat. if it was really a HUGE deal at work (and I would bet $ that it wasn't) she can always play the "my mom is a nut" card >insert eye roll and headshake< and go back to work instead of being a spazz.:confused3 If she's good enough at her job to be 2nd in command, one panicked phone call from her mom isnt going to do anything to her career.

OP- how's it going?
 
I don't get why, if she could see you were calling her, that she wouldn't get ahold of you some way to let you know that her phone was broken. You could have had a serious emergency and needed to get ahold of her.....

That would really upset me!
 
I'm 26 and talk to my mom every day/every other day. And yes, if it's been more than that, one of us will call the other just because we haven't heard from each other in a while. I don't see it as codependent, to me, keeping a relationship between two adults in the "I'm the parent, you are the child" frame of mind is stranger than moving to a friendship. But whatever. I talk to my MIL about once a week too:scared1::rotfl: on the other hand, I only talk to my sister once every 1-2weeks. That's the way she likes it and that's cool with me. I see her post on FB every couple of days, so I know she's alive;)

My mom would have done the exact same thing. As a matter of fact, a few days ago, she got a strange phone call that was for some reason labeled from my phone. Then she couldn't get ahold of me (phone was on silent) and finally called my DH in a panic, as she's walking out the door to drive the hour to my house. Why? Because my mom is a bit of a nut. Her imagination runs wild and she overreacts. I know she does it out of love and I know she's a bit of a nut, so I let it go, it's not worth getting upset over it.

IMO, the daughter acted like a brat. if it was really a HUGE deal at work (and I would bet $ that it wasn't) she can always play the "my mom is a nut" card >insert eye roll and headshake< and go back to work instead of being a spazz.:confused3 If she's good enough at her job to be 2nd in command, one panicked phone call from her mom isnt going to do anything to her career.

OP- how's it going?

You sound like my DD - and I resemble that nut comment :goodvibes
 
I thought it was pretty clear that she wanted to discuss how long is acceptable to not hear from your adult child.:confused3

I'm finding it amusing that people are being scolded for addressing this, when this is what she asked for opinions on in the first post.

I re-read the op and you are right. That's what she was asking, but when I read it the first time around, that's not how I interpreted it.
 
lol yeah I talk to my MIL pretty much everyday too at the very least every other day. One night it was about 6 o clock and I called her and she said "we were just talking about you. Dad just asked if everything was OK because you hadn't called yet" LOL when you set up a pattern and then deviate from it... people take notice

another time my MIL called me but for some really weird reason our home phone didn't ring... but she left a message. Then I guess she called my cell phone which was in my purse and on silent. woops lol. then she called DH's phone and it appears his was on silent as well. then she called the house again and it went straight to voicemail (I know... what a strange chain of events that ALL the phones were either on silent or not working haha) and she left a message with a bit of panic in her voice saying that she hopes everything is OK because it's not like us to not answer ANY phone. she was worried and it had only been a couple of minutes

but we set the precedent that we always answer her calls or if we aren't home we answer the cell phones and we call her at least every other day

You can't get mad if you set that schedule and then someone worries when you don't keep it suddenly lol
 
As someone with a very nosey budinski mother, I can see the DD's side. As a teen with a drivers license, I asked a boy on a date to the movies. My mother absolutely insisted on coming along. And she did. Mortified to this day.

As a college age adult living at home, my mother routinely sat around the corner in the next room listening to my phone calls. Including those with my fiance.

I could go on with many more examples over the course of my adult life. Decades worth of stories.

There is still no privacy or freedom when it comes to this woman and me. I'm a middle aged married responsible adult. I do not like HAVING to call my mother to check in. And I absolutely detest when she checks up on me because she feels I'm supposed to be reporting to her.

OP, if this rings a bell at all with how your relationship might be with your DD, please do yourself and her a favor and STOP. My mother will not no matter how much I ask her to. Controlling and smothering is not a pretty look. My brother and father have very very little contact with her for this reason.
 
As someone with a very nosey budinski mother, I can see the DD's side. As a teen with a drivers license, I asked a boy on a date to the movies. My mother absolutely insisted on coming along. And she did. Mortified to this day.

As a college age adult living at home, my mother routinely sat around the corner in the next room listening to my phone calls. Including those with my fiance.

I could go on with many more examples over the course of my adult life. Decades worth of stories.

There is still no privacy or freedom when it comes to this woman and me. I'm a middle aged married responsible adult. I do not like HAVING to call my mother to check in. And I absolutely detest when she checks up on me because she feels I'm supposed to be reporting to her.

OP, if this rings a bell at all with how your relationship might be with your DD, please do yourself and her a favor and STOP. My mother will not no matter how much I ask her to. Controlling and smothering is not a pretty look. My brother and father have very very little contact with her for this reason.


Read the OP's initial post again. It says something like, "My DD26 calls me every morning on her way to work." The DD calls the mom every day on her way to work, not the other way around as it was in your case. Your mom may have had no sense of boundaries and made your life miserable, but there's no evidence of that in the OP's case. Night and day. The DD is the one who established the routine of calling her mom every morning on the way to work and then suddenly broke it. Common decency should have prompted her to phone/email her mom and let her know why the calls had ceased, especially when it was obvious the mom was worried.

Far from being a controlling mom, it seems to me the DD is inconsiderate and self-absorbed, with some serious immaturity to boot. Who pulls the, "I hate, hate, hate you" crap at 26 over something like this? A foot-stomping, tantrum-throwing, world revolves around me princess, that's who.

I say give her the "space" so many assume she needs and don't call her until she grows up and learns how to act like an adult and consider the feelings of others. She is DYING for you to come grovelling with an apology. Don't do it!
 
Read the OP's initial post again. It says something like, "My DD26 calls me every morning on her way to work." The DD calls the mom every day on her way to work, not the other way around as it was in your case. Your mom may have had no sense of boundaries and made your life miserable, but there's no evidence of that in the OP's case. Night and day. The DD is the one who established the routine of calling her mom every morning on the way to work and then suddenly broke it. Common decency should have prompted her to phone/email her mom and let her know why the calls had ceased, especially when it was obvious the mom was worried.

Far from being a controlling mom, it seems to me the DD is inconsiderate and self-absorbed, with some serious immaturity to boot. Who pulls the, "I hate, hate, hate you" crap at 26 over something like this? A foot-stomping, tantrum-throwing, world revolves around me princess, that's who.

I say give her the "space" so many assume she needs and don't call her until she grows up and learns how to act like an adult and consider the feelings of others. She is DYING for you to come grovelling with an apology. Don't do it!

I'm guessing DD calls OP every morning because OP expects her to.

I'd love to hear the DD's side of the story. :rolleyes1
 
well that's still no reason to just cut off phone calls and not let her mother know. if you don't want to call her everyday then at least tell her you won't be calling for a few days. d ont' leave her to think something horrible happened when you SUDDENLY don't call.

I don't know I call my mom every night when she gets home from work and it has nothing to do with her expecting me to. I do it because I enjoy talking to her and I miss her and I want to tell her about my day and hear about her day and make fun of my step dad LOL

OP's DD is an adult and should have the decency to let her mother know when she just doesn't want to talk to her for a few days instead of leaving her to worry when simple "I can't call for a few days"
 
I'm guessing DD calls OP every morning because OP expects her to.

I'd love to hear the DD's side of the story. :rolleyes1

I'd like to hear the DD's side too, it would be interesting.

I like to call my mom when I'm in the car. It's nice kid-free time. :goodvibes

I used to call my mom every day coming home from work, partly because I wanted to talk to her and partly because my schedule was crazy and I was falling asleep. (I know. Very unsafe; one of the reasons I don't work that schedule any more). I would talk to mom to stay awake until I got home. :sad2:Anyway, now that my schedule is different, I don't call as often.

I was assuming the DD just called to chat like I did. I could have called a friend, but I *wanted* to talk to Mom. Now if she only calls out of obligation, then maybe she needs to tell her mom she'd rather not talk as often. No biggie, just LET HER KNOW the pattern is changing. :thumbsup2
 
The DD's coworkers might think her mom was a little over the top, but I don't see why this would ruin her position at work. Unless the people sent looking for her found that she wasn't where she was supposed to be or some other similar scenario.
 
My dd and I don't have a set schedule of talking to each other. There may be a week when we will talk to each other every day, maybe twice; then we may go for almost 2 weeks without talking.

If you talk everyday and hadn't heard from her, I can see where you would be concerned. I am not sure if I have this right--you called her work, knowing she wouldn't be there? I can see where your dd could be upset about that, depending on your tone and what you said, etc.

Is there a reason you couldn't get hold of her another way--email? facebook? Did you try one of those routes before the frantic phone calls? Maybe the two of you need to establish another way to get hold of her in case this happens again. Surely she can call from a pay phone if nothing else, especially since she knows you get super worried.

I would let her simmer down, then call and apologize once (and once only). Then move on from this and establish some guidelines of what to do in case something like this happens again, on either end.
 


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