DD hates me

[Mermaid02]

It must be this generation. I don't get the mind-set of talking to your parents every day, or several times a day. It's like you're girlfriends, not mother and child. Time for a bit of space and to cut those apron strings!

Once the pattern is established, I do see being worried without the call. But calling work...yikes!!! I'd have called friends first. If i felt I HAD to call work, I certainly wouldn't be trying so many different supervisors. Way to make your daughter look like she's in 7th grade!

Now that I am an adult, my Mother is my friend. Maybe not an "I'll tell you EVERYTHING" friend, but still a friend.

 

[onelilspark]

I'm the same age, I usually talk to my Mom every day (in some form...some days it's just an email or two that's sent) and when my Mom calls and I don't return her call in a couple hours she starts freaking out and calling every 20 minutes (sometimes I forget to take my phone off silent.) Yes, it annoys me, but I understand that I'll always be her baby girl and she'll always worry about me.

My Mom would do the exact same thing. And at some point, she probably would have called the police to come check on me to be sure I was safe.

That being said, if I know I'm going to be somewhere for an extended period of time, or if I left my phone at home by accident, when I'll let her know so that when she doesn't hear from me, she doesn't worry. So yeah, your daughter needs to chill the heck out.

 

[RachaelA]

It must be this generation. I don't get the mind-set of talking to your parents every day, or several times a day. It's like you're girlfriends, not mother and child. Time for a bit of space and to cut those apron strings!

Once the pattern is established, I do see being worried without the call. But calling work...yikes!!! I'd have called friends first. If i felt I HAD to call work, I certainly wouldn't be trying so many different supervisors. Way to make your daughter look like she's in 7th grade!

So there is something wrong with being friends with your parents?

 

[bdcp]

I have another thing to add, I'm sure your DD would be thrilled to know you shared this story online.

Next time you talk to her just tell her you were hurt and disappointed in her reaction and see where she goes from there. She might apologize, but I think you need to apologize also for pushing it as far as you did.

BTW, my work is worse than a mother would be. If we don't show up by 10, they start calling us and if they can't reach us or our emergency contact person, they will call the police to check on our safety(that's all it's about is safety).

 

[mhsjax]

It must be this generation. I don't get the mind-set of talking to your parents every day, or several times a day. It's like you're girlfriends, not mother and child. Time for a bit of space and to cut those apron strings!

Once the pattern is established, I do see being worried without the call. But calling work...yikes!!! I'd have called friends first. If i felt I HAD to call work, I certainly wouldn't be trying so many different supervisors. Way to make your daughter look like she's in 7th grade!

I did cut those apron strings and we went on to friendship, she did the same with my older sister. Come to think of it, my friends thought of her the same way, she was their "other" mom while growing up and then went into friendship status. I can only hope that my kids view me the same way. I would never force that relationship, I wanted that relationship with her, because she was warm, sweet, funny, generous to a fault and everyone loved her. that is why her calendar was always full and why her phone was always busy, and not just talking to me.

What I find sad is how many people, here in the Dis, seem to have such animosity towards their moms. Maybe some of you weren't lucky enough to have the worlds greatest mom, (yes my friends thought so too) in fact they called her "mom." So why in the world wouldn't I want to talk to her. I also went shopping with here every Saturday, as did my sister until she moved to another city.

 

[Saphire]

I have three kids in their twenties, and we talk once a week, often more with the daughter, but there is no pattern or routine. However, I speak with my Mom almost daily. This is because she wants to (that's how she did it with her own mother). I think every three or four days would be more natural for me.
I wonder if your daughter is telling you in a round-about way that she doesn't need to keep in touch every day? She may desire some space as she branches out into the world.
I am sorry she said she 'hated' you, it was immature and hurtful. I think it will blow over, and you should let it. But I would think about cutting back on the daily calls. Good Luck!

 

[ccgirl]

Don't think you did anything wrong at all. I am 40 and would expect the same from my mom. In fact, I think she (your DD) was the one in the wrong. If she saw missed calls, she could have shown enough courtesy to call you and let you know her phone was broken. She will get over this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I did cut those apron strings and we went on to friendship, she did the same with my older sister. Come to think of it, my friends thought of her the same way, she was their "other" mom while growing up and then went into friendship status. I can only hope that my kids view me the same way. I would never force that relationship, I wanted that relationship with her, because she was warm, sweet, funny, generous to a fault and everyone loved her. that is why her calendar was always full and why her phone was always busy, and not just talking to me.

What I find sad is how many people, here in the Dis, seem to have such animosity towards their moms. Maybe some of you weren't lucky enough to have the worlds greatest mom, (yes my friends thought so too) in fact they called her "mom." So why in the world wouldn't I want to talk to her. I also went shopping with here every Saturday, as did my sister until she moved to another city.

What are you referring to?

I don't have "animosity" toward my mother.

My whole family would think that this is crackers for freaking out because you did not receive a call back right away. Even a matter of days.

We respect each others boundaries and are confident that there is a good reason for it.

The fact you translate it to animosity is interesting.

 

[N&B'smom]

Your professional, adult daughter actually called you and told you that she hates you? And the reason is because you were so worried about her you did everything you could to make sure she's okay??? Wow, she's totally overreacting.

Her phone wouldn't work? In those few days that she was having issues with her phone she surely could have used someone else's to check in with you. YOU should be irritated with HER for causing you to worry unnecessarily!

 

[mhsjax]

What are you referring to?

I don't have "animosity" toward my mother.

My whole family would think that this is crackers for freaking out because you did not receive a call back right away. Even a matter of days.

We respect each others boundaries and are confident that there is a good reason for it.

The fact you translate it to animosity is interesting.

I said so many, I don't recall saying you. Just look at some of the thread around the holidays. If it doesn't apply to you then don't worry about it. Frankly, I can translate a whole lot more than just that to animosity. YOur comment for example.

the fact that you respect each other boundaries is the norm for you. The OP had a habit of speaking with her daughter everyday. If the daughter didn't want to then she should have cleared that up. But, it was the norm so yes the mom was worried. NOw, if the daughter has stated in the past that she didn't want to speak everyday and the mom insisted, then yes there would be a problem.

 

[SaraJayne]

Maybe she's so used to being right that she doesn't see how you could be right here. Immature, if you ask me.

You are not in the wrong here.

Your instinct told you something was off; luckily it wasn't a dangerous situation but you had no way of knowing. We just had a case here where a college student came home for Thanksgiving and disappeared while her parents were at work. The family knew it wasn't like her to not check in.

Her ex-boyfriend had come to the house and strangled her. She was missing for 8 days before police found the body. The ex just pleaded guilty to murder. She would have been 21 today.

Tell her you're sorry she feels embarrassed, if you feel you must, but don't apologize for taking measures to track her down. A 26-year old should be smart enough to check in with people when their main source of communication is cut off.

A 26 year old woman shouldn't have to worry about her Mommy calling her workplace to find out what she's up to.

Talk about humiliating and embarassing!

OP, you totally over-stepped and need to remember what boundaries are.

Your DD acted like a brat when you finally did get a hold of her, but I don't blame her for being upset and embarassed.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I talk to my mom daily, unless she is out of town (she lives in the same town as I do). However, it's not scheduled - it just is. Now, is she your only child? I notice that she is in your profile picture, and your siggy. Does she call you daily because she wants to, or you want her to? I don't think what you did is wrong at all - heck, if she happened to by dying by the side of a ditch, she might actually appreciate the concern - but judging by her reaction, I think maybe she has some pent up feelings about your involvement in her life (because it was a major overreaction).

 

[kamik86]

I don't talk to my mom every day. Probably only once a week or so. If she ever called my work like that for something that wasn't a true emergency (Family in the hospital is pretty much the only thing that comes to mind) I would be extremely upset too. I mean calling several supervisors etc. It isn't my co-workers and bosses job to deal with my family and find me. Then again my mom wouldn't be able to do this the only number she has for me at work goes to my desk so the worst she would do is be one of those annoying people that bother co-workers by calling the work phone over and over again. (I have co-workers that when they aren't there will get a call that the person will let ring for 5 min, then 1/2 an hour later another one the same way... its really distracting to those of us trying to work).

Calling my husband even my friends looking for me is one thing (they will call my husband in 5 min if I don't answer actually, because generally it means I silenced my phone in a meeting and forgot to turn it back on). This is no problem but I would be just as upset as your daughter was if my mom called my work like that.

Then again I was taught as a child that I only called mom at work once if I really needed something and if I couldn't get her not to try again unless it was a true emergency. Dad only got called in an emergency at all because it would disrupt people at his job to find him and get him the phone and would look bad for him if this happened often.

 

[N&B'smom]

It must be this generation. I don't get the mind-set of talking to your parents every day, or several times a day. It's like you're girlfriends, not mother and child. Time for a bit of space and to cut those apron strings!

I don't get the issue with talking to your parents every day, mother/child can't communicate on a daily basis? Why shouldn't you talk to your mom each day IF you have a good relationship with her. I don't believe it has anything to do with cutting apron strings. When someone is a big part of your life, you typically keep in touch with them a lot.

 

[mhsjax]

DH called his sisters work place. Very, Very high end dept store. They had no problem with us calling and actually said that it was nice to see people have family that actually cares.

She hadn't called and we had left messages and it was very out of character for her not to call. FWIW she has been a victim of crime, in fact almost murdered but got away. so yep, sorry but sometimes you just need a little reassurance, if that offends some people, too bad.

If it had been something else, it would have been all over the news about why didn't the mom try and find out where she was, what took so long. You can't win. Either a helicopter mom or a bad mom.

 

[ilovejack02]

OP, how silly a 26 yr old saying she hates you etc etc. I can see being annoyed, oh how annoyed I would be also, but a tantrum is silly. So is calling and speaking to several supervisors . She isn't a child and should not be treated as such. She also needs to quit acting like a child.

It will all blow over, next time try email first : ).


My Mom sometimes calls several times in a row, if she is out shopping and wants to tell me about a great find etc .. or needs to know the answer to something immediately . I don't always answer the phone, I am a pretty busy SAHM, usually have my hands full.
Drives me WILD , my Dad is 85 and while in pretty good health , has his moments as do most 85 year olds. I always think the worst when she starts calling back to back like that . She has gotten "yelled " at a few times for making my heart stop thinking something might be wrong with Dad, it goes back to when I received a phone call he had a heartattack many years ago. She is finally catching on to leave a message and I will check it or return call as soon as I can, it just might not be as fast as she would like.

 

[tlbwriter]

I think if this were just a random day that the OP couldn't get hold of her, then yes, it would be inappropriate to call her work. But they had (as I understand it) an agreement that they will always speak on Tuesdays. That's why it was so important to find out if she was okay - because she basically missed an appointment.

 

[clutter]

I thought I would share my DD14's take on this, having just read the OP. I was surprised, I think it is fairly insightful, she says:

It sounds like the mom has not expected her daughter to really grow up and be independent and treat her a bit like a child and the daughter has responded to this by continuing to act like a little kid when dealing with her mother. They both need to start acting like the daughter is a grown up.

We have a winner!!!!

I'm sure this has been brewing for a while. Its unfortunate that the daughter responded by having a tantrum, but I have to agree, Mom certainly seems to have no faith in her daughter's ability to take care of herself. I've done the call-while-commuting myself as a defense against the same. If she's #2 at her office, she certainly seems to be a capable person.

 

[Mermaid02]

I think many folks are missing the fact that there was an established pattern of communication here- THAT is why Mom was concerned when the pattern was inexplicably halted. The daughter is 26 years old, if she doesn't feel the need to talk to Mom every day, SAY SO. She's obviously immature- no matter her work credentials.

Folks tell Mom to try email next time, why didn't the daughter email the mother when she knew her phone was out of order? Why didn't she borrow a phone when she saw her Mother was trying to get her? She was very inconsiderate.

 

[Agri]

I would have thought your behavior perfectly reasonable until you typed the phrase "she is my world."

That is entirely too much of a burden for anyone to bear! You need to back off and let her live her life. Don't call her unless its something truly important - wait for her to call you. Find other things to do with yourself and focus on.

The truth is, on the outside it doesn't seem *that* unreasonable. Then there's the fact that she's "your world". Then there's the fact that you called once EVERY HOUR. That is suffocating. Maybe she was going to call you once her phone was fixed. Or she was going to call you when her phone didn't fix itself...then you started harassing her and she decided to ignore you. I wouldn't have called you back after that - the only person who has done that to me in my adult life is a boyfriend I had just broken up with!!

Since you didn't realize that if you were that close, then the police would have been calling you or her work would have been calling you if something was truly wrong - What you should have done was called her work early in the morning the following day and said simply "I cannot seem to get ahold of my daughter, would you please give her a message to call me when she gets a chance? Thank you."

I cannot imagine calling someone once every hour after they didn't answer my first call/voicemail. If I was that concerned, I would have gone to their house or otherwise tried to track them down.