DD Drama - at my wit's end (sorry so long) ***Update post 127***

[The Mystery Machine]

I would feel the same in almost every other circumstance but this one. I've seen women stuck in this type of relationship and it isn't pretty. For whatever reason, this girl thinks she needs this jerk. She isn't listening to Mom, and the more Mom pushes, the more dd will be attracted to jerkface. If it were my DD I would be quietly manipulating the situation to put the dd in the best spot possible to get away from him. In college she will have a support sytem of friends that she will need and will help her see him for what he is.

For starters she probably won't go. And if she did go she will probably fail to "punish" the parents. I do understand what you are saying though.

While it sounds like a good idea, it might have the opposite effect on her.

She agrees to go, fails, and then the abuser will have more ammo to make her feel stupid. It would also kill her GPA and make it harder when she is in the right frame of mind to go back to college.

I like the counseling idea somone had. Maybe you could manipulate her into that by dangling some bait.

This is a no win situation. It is pretty sad.

 

[minkydog]

Yea well that is all true no doubt, you do need an education. Not arguing that point. But I would not pay for it in the OP's situation. That is my limit.

If my kid at 18 decides they are going to call the shots while I pay for them, they have another thing coming. If you want to move out and be an adult, then go for it. There is nothing wrong with that. Some kids want to do it on their own.

If her life is "on hold" because of the jerk, then that is her cross to bear.

I agree. It is hard to be the parent of a child who decides to throw their life away. Once they are 18 you don't have any control over their actions. The only thing a parent has control over is tangible things--car, cell phone, furniture, college education.

My son decided to quit school halfway through his senior year. Ask me how thrilled i was...He left home to join Disney On Ice. Not as a skater, either. As a carnie--you know, the guys who walk up and down the stairs selling cotton candy. He carried a tray of drinks on his head. Yeah. Makes a mother proud.

Of course, our situation was not the same as the OPs, but the choices were similar--DS had the right to be stupid and we couldn't do anything about it. All we could do was stand by and pray. It was extremely difficult for us. We never knew where he was or what he was doing. In the end, John came to his senses, returned home, and finished his high school education. As a result, we helped him go to college and acquire a car. He has toed the line ever since.

OP, I cannot imagine your distress. I hope your daughter will see the light before she gets hurt.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'd let her see what beign an adult is all about. be very calm and call her and say "DD, since you are now an adult, I just wanted to tell you that the car you are driving is inour name, so we'd like it back. Adults buy their own cars. The cellphone you are carrying is on our plan, so we will be removing your service. Adults pay for their own cell phone service. College is up to you. Adults figure out how to pay for college themselves. If you decide you no longer want to be an adult, what you would need to do is to remove bad BF from your life, period. That would be an adult decision that we could support and then we'll talk about the rest. In the meantime, when this relationship goes bad, as it will...again...you can call us and we'll come get you."

Some people have to learn the hard way.

I totally agree with everything you've said.

 

[Beca]

I don't know if this would be your thing or not, but I just wanted to let you know that Dr. Phil is looking for families facing this issue right now for one of his shows. I know it is drastic, but it might offer her a new perspective.

 

[BroknMom]

I am so back and forth with this whole thing. A part of me tells me that I am right for refusing to pay for her education and another part agrees with a PP that she NEEDS to have that education for something to fall back on.

I did send her a message letting her know that I love and miss her and want her to come back home. However, when she comes back home...there will be guidelines. I also told her in no uncertain terms was she going to continue staying at his house....unacceptable, I did not raise her that way. She did tell me she missed and loved me too....so, maybe that's a beginning. And, that she would be home when she gets back from the beach next week!! Can anybody feel my frustration?!?!?!! Yes, she is going with him and his family!! I could just scream obscenities here!!! I did tell her I did not approve, but she's going anyway. No...she will not be getting money from us to go. I am assuming she will be using her graduation money for that.

I am definitely going to look around the area for domestic violence shelters while she is gone and will take her there when she gets back. Just as an FYI for her. We also have a women's prison nearby...that may always be a possibility too.....surely they have battered women there if we don't have any shelters nearby!

Ugh my exploding head!!!!!!

Thanks for all the it warms my heart each time I see them!!!

 

[BroknMom]

I don't know if this would be your thing or not, but I just wanted to let you know that Dr. Phil is looking for families facing this issue right now for one of his shows. I know it is drastic, but it might offer her a new perspective.

Gosh, I don't know if he could handle this mess or not!! Not trying to be funny, but I HAVE to try to find some humor at this second or I'm going to go crazy!!!

I'd definitely consider this if we didn't have to go on television!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, you are definitely right in your concerns!!!
This sounds like the kind of situation that ends up in some tragic news story, and a senseless funeral.

The college thing is a two edged sword.
In college, she might meet friends, or support/counselors/etc... who could ultimately be her saviour. I agree with others who say that this very sick man will NOT be 'allowing' her to go-to-college. No Way does this fit his warped agenda. By paying for college, this may be what could get your daughter out of this guys grip.

I can see how you are thinking, 'how in the he!! can I even consider paying for college in this situation....' However, it looks like it is obvious that trying to hold that over her head right at this moment will not be effective... she is too far gone... It could backfire, drive her away from you, and actually put her right in the middle of this creeps web of isolation.

Whatever you do, tell your daughter EVERY DAY that you love her, that she is a beautiful worthwhile woman/human being, and that you are still only a phone call away.

What you need to do is to become informed and prepared.
If this is a good sized college, what kind of programs do they have for troubled students??? Document EVERYTHING that you can on this creep. (like a recording of those phone calls/messages) Contact the local women's victims unit and find out just what it would take for them to step in. Many places have female officers who are experienced and expert at handling girls in these situations.

At some point this may come to a situation where you can stage a real intervention. Many places are aware of the fact that abused women are not in a normal psychological state, that they are simply not able to press charges. Many places are now more proactive in these situations.

If this guy has discharged firearms, and engaged in a road chase, I am very afraid that this point may come sooner than later.

 

[BroknMom]

Also forgot to add....she is supposed to be attending college 45 minutes away from home. We have a satellite campus two miles from our home, but I have told her she needs to go "away" to have the college experience. I will NOT change my stance on that decision. If she thinks she'll stay in town and go to school because he is here, she's got another thing coming (and yes, she knows this).

 

[dalt01]

LOL,LOL,LOL. i raised three daughters, in the words of detective John McLain in Die Hard. "welcome to the party pal"

 

[BroknMom]

OP, you are definitely right in your concerns!!!
This sounds like the kind of situation that ends up in some tragic news story, and a senseless funeral.

This is exactly what I keep telling my mom!! She just doesn't get it. She is romanticizing (sp?) the whole thing! She keeps saying, "we can't help who we fall in love with." I could honestly ring her neck. I keep telling her that I see why she "condones" DD's behavior because she put up with a form of abuse from my dad for 41 years!!!! No, he was never physically abusive, but his cheating ways have taken its toll on her. She is letting her GrandDaughter think these actions are acceptable.

 

[BroknMom]

LOL,LOL,LOL. i raised three daughters, in the words of detective John McLain in Die Hard. "welcome to the party pal"

It's one He!! of a party, let me tell ya! One I'd rather not be invited to!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Also forgot to add....she is supposed to be attending college 45 minutes away from home. We have a satellite campus two miles from our home, but I have told her she needs to go "away" to have the college experience. I will NOT change my stance on that decision. If she thinks she'll stay in town and go to school because he is here, she's got another thing coming (and yes, she knows this).

Interesting take!!!!

But, remember 45 minutes is NOT going to keep these two apart.
That is not even going to begin to stop this individual.
Their situation will play out whether it is two miles from home or 45 minutes from home. My guess is that he feels that he cannot own/control her from home, he will end up finding some way, some couch/floor to sleep on, there where she is at.

REMEMBER, ABOUT HER PACKING UP FOR 'COLLEGE'.... THE ABSOLUTE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR ANY WOMAN IN THIS SITUATION IS WHEN THEY ARE LEAVING.

I would ABSOLUTELY be refusing to send my kid to a local college if they were simply hung up on some loser... But, when firearms and road chases are involved... it is a whole different situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This is exactly what I keep telling my mom!! She just doesn't get it. She is romanticizing (sp?) the whole thing! She keeps saying, "we can't help who we fall in love with." I could honestly ring her neck. I keep telling her that I see why she "condones" DD's behavior because she put up with a form of abuse from my dad for 41 years!!!! No, he was never physically abusive, but his cheating ways have taken its toll on her. She is letting her GrandDaughter think these actions are acceptable.

WOW!!!! And you mention how your daughter has been very close to her grandmother growing up... Very relevant....

What type of situation/relationship do you (and your DD) have with her father???

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I think you need to get her to college. I was dating a loser when I graduated. Now granted it wasn't abusive, but I was an honor student and he could barely read and drank a lot. My college was only an hour away, but I had no car and my parents told me I had to stay there for the weekends to get the whole college experience. We lasted one semester.

I hope everything works out okay.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Just remembering to stop and send

 

[saratogadreamin09]

I am having the worst ordeal of my life right at the moment.

DD18 has been dating the same boy since she was 15. Boy seemed to be a decent guy...we never had any problems out of him UNTIL the past year or so. He started getting VERY possessive of DD i.e., not "letting" her hang out with friends and when she did it was WWIII! So after one explosive night of fighting between the two of them last year, he called her late one night (she didn't answer because she did not want to argue) and left left a voice mail. The voice mail was rambling on about how he wasn't going to take it anymore...yadda, yadda, yadda and all of a sudden, you hear a gun go off....the cell phone falls to the ground and he is making these raspy choking noises. She comes to my room and wakes me up hysterical. Well, long story short, I stepped in and forbid them to see each other. I also made her do sessions with the school counselor.

Fast forward to this January. They start "talking/texting" again. She knows how we feel about it, but throws out the "I'm 18" crap around. I tell her as long as she is under my roof, he is to be nowhere around. Well, she decided to not have anymore to do with him. So she is out one night and I get a frantic call from her, "Mom, help me, what do I do...Mom please help me!" Seems ex-b/f is chasing her down the highway. I tell her a route to go to get home w/out having to stop and turn around. Meanwhile I get in the car to go meet her.....all the while, calling the police. I have a confrontation with him and police give him a warning.

So...come March, they are talking again!! By this time I am completely frustrated and everyone around me keeps telling me to let it run it's course. I still stick to my guns...he is to be nowhere around here. They make a date to go to prom together. They leave to go to prom dinner (two nights before prom), get into a fight and he leaves her along the road 45 minutes from home!!!!!! They break up again.

Thursday night I find out they're talking again. Same argument....different outcome. She packs her bags and leaves!!!!! WTH?!?!?! Same answer "I'm 18 and you can't do anything about it." No, she doesn't go to my parents' house....she goes to HIS house!!!! I have told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever leaves home to "live" with a boy...she was on her own paying for college and I would NOT supply her with her car!! Her story is...she wasn't moving out, just getting away. If she wanted to get away, she could have gone to my parents' house!! I am wrong in my reasoning???? Have I completely lost my mind here? Do I just stand by and let her "stay" with this boy and his parents and supply her with the means to go to school in August? I just need someone to give me an honest opinion on what they would do. I feel all alone here!!!! I'm worried sick about her and devestated to say the least.

WOW My best advice is to sit her down and have a lnog talk, dont forbid her to see him ( she is 18) but let her know calmly that you dont think he's good for her.

 

[ginna74]

hmmmmm well so she is now dating someone you dislike.... and out of school without a car...


I sure don't want to think about of a worse case situation here .....BUT well, there is no escaping is there now, she is locked in

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I realize that we don't really now what the current (as in right now, this afternoon) situation is.

You mentioned that she went to HIS house, but is saying that she was just 'getting away'. Is she still there?????

I am just thinking about how the woman being trapped with no transportation, no communication (cell), etc.... is the absolute dream situation for this kind of psychotic controller/abuser.

 

[BroknMom]

WOW!!!! And you mention how your daughter has been very close to her grandmother growing up... Very relevant....

What type of situation/relationship do you (and your DD) have with her father???

Yes, DD and my mom are VERY close!! You see, that's another story in itself. Ex-husband and I were divorced when I was 7 months pregnant w/DD. He had NOTHING to do with her her entire life. Let my DH adopt her when she was in 5th grade. Since I was a single mother and working, she stayed with my mom and dad while I worked, but was with me every second of the day when I was off.

I figure this whole mess has something to do with her issues with her biological father in some way shape or form.

I really and truly feel her going to college (even though it is 45 min. away) would be the best thing for her. I'm hoping that she'll get so involved with activities down there that she won't give him a second thought. We took her to orientation just last week and she was so excited to get involved in community service programs and looking at sororities. She will also be living in a dorm with a girl from our town. The dorm has rules about overnight guests so hopefully that will keep the jerk from crashing there. *Keeping my fingers crossed* Her new roommate is a girl that has a good head on her shoulders and will be a wonderful influence on DD. I truly think that once she gets down there, life will hopefully look a little rosier for her.

 

[BroknMom]

Just remembering to stop and send

Thank you!!!!!!