DD breaks up with long term bf

[Tiggeroo]

My dd has been dating the same boy since jr. year of hs. He graduated from college this past June and she's doing a fifth year of college. The past four years have been a commuter type relationship as their colleges were three hrs apart. They did spend a decent amount of time together but not quite the same as living in the same town all the time.
She broke up with him last week and didn't even tell me. I heard it from him. I don't know what to think. He's a very nice guy who is quite upset. He feels like he stayed the faithfull bf thru four years of college, he comes home and she ends it. During all these years there were alot of times I wished they had done this. I love them both but felt it was limiting the college experience by having a serious bf. I also felt concerned that they'd never dated anybody else. I mentioned this to her once or twice at the beginning of college but never said anything about it again. We treated her bf like a family member.
Now her reasons for breaking up are that she's never been single, never dated anybody else, and it was hard getting used to a serious relationship with him living here now.
DH, I and all our family members are floored by this. The two of them have always been like best friends with everything in common. They have grown up together and do everything together. I told dd we love her and respect her choice but I'm so shocked. At this point I was getting used to this eventually becoming a permenant thing. I'm suspecting that was part of the reason for this. People were assuming this, probably bf as well. I"m betting he has started hinting that they should be planning their future.
DD is running around here not at all upset, like nothing ever happened. She actually assumes they'll maybe date other people for a bit, get some persepective and probably get back together. I have a feeling after speaking to bf that this is a bit optimistic on her part. What do you think? Anybody have something similar happen?

 

[SwedishMeatball]

I'm glad that she has the strength to do what she feels is best for her rather than live up to the expectations of others. Who knows what the future holds, but I wish her well.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I'm glad she did it too. I'm just floored by it. I guess I'm glad and sad at the same time. There were many times I felt it was too young to be so serious. I also want her to get out there and live, to try things, to travel, etc. So I'm glad. I'm just not sure how to react and well, like I said, shocked.

 

[DMickey28]

Do you think the BF isn't open to seeing others and just giving it a little time? I think she is being smart, but she should be open with him about it if she has hopes he is the one and just needs time to figure it out.....

 

[Tiggeroo]

she thought she had been clear about this but apparently not. I don't think he's open. I also suspect he gets serious easily and has a hard time with confrontation. This could mean that if he dates another girl, bingo, instant serious.

 

[Imzadi]

I also think it's wonderful that she's stretching, growing testing other options. All those concerns you had when she was younger are still relevant now, only DD has now has the maturity to understand that wisdom.

However, that doesn't dissolve the very real grief everyone has and needs to process over this breakup. It IS a loss. Even though BF is not dead, it is a restructuring of their relationship. All those plans & expectations & dreams everyone had are gone now, possibly gone forever if DD does not get back with him. Those plans & dreams must be grieved even as everyone moves forward.

Since DD initiated the breakup, of course she'd be in a different place then everyone else. She's already looking ahead to seeing the future differently. Her options & opportunities are wide open in a way she's never had before. (But there will also be times of grief for her.)

Get this book for BF & the rest of the family. It's a classic oldie but so soothing for the heart & soul. It details the 6 stages of loss that everyone goes through, whether loss of a job, to S.O. to parent, then has passages to help one through it.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Make sure you get the Melba Cosgrove version as there is another book out by this name.

(BTW: I was down at O.C. last week, the one warm day in the 80's you had. It was wonderful, but strange to see the Boardwalk so empty.)

 

[Tiggeroo]

thanks. That i'm sure is it. It's a grieving. I was clearly in no rush for my 22yo to get married and start a family. It's just that with this boy I knew she was with somebody who treated her well and she was safe. With three college students there was one tiny piece of their lives I didn't have to worry about. Now she'll be dating new guys who we might not like. There's been bits of drama with this boy but in the end things always went well. Somebody else might hurt her.
Yep, we've had beautiful weather here in OC for the fall. If you come out on a weekend there's still quite the crowd.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

All good points!

Your dd was probably "broke up" with him in her mind, long before the actual break-up.
So that could be why she is so "upbeat". However it has left you & BF in shock!

Also if she had him as her BF through college the good thing was she was focused and not running around with other guys then either.

Hugs to you mom....my dd will be 16 soon. I imagine just when you think you got it...it is gone, right?

 

[NewJersey]

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Let them do their own thing and if they realize they are meant for eachother, they will get back together!

Good luck to both of them.