Daughter Failing Classes at College

[hegfam]

My 2nd oldest started college this fall. She was an ok student in high school without really trying. Now that trying is required, it appears she will receive a failing grade for one class, possibly two. I know this from other sources and not because she has told us about it. To hear her tell it, everything is ok. Effort has never been her strong-suit and I am so angry about this, I don't know how to approach her without blowing my top. I know at 18 she is considered an 'adult' by the college, but this is OUR MONEY that is paying her bills and she also has a $5K yearly scholarship that will be revoked after this school year because of the effect of these grades on her GPA.

How do I handle this??? How do I approach her about this when she comes home Friday? I am at such a loss. I can yell all I want, but what then? This is not an issue brought about by any substance abuse or mental illness. It's just a matter of socializing and not studying/going to class. What kind of system can we put in place with her to monitor her grades/attendance?

I sure hope there is someone on this board that can help me know how we can try to get back on track. I am so upset and I just don't know what to say or do. I am sorry if any of you have ever gone through this, but hope you can offer me some words of wisdom.

Many thanks,
Carolyn

 

[mjkacmom]

This was me the first semester of college. I never needed to study in HS, so my first semester was a rude awakening - 2.4 GPA . My parents were footing the bill, for 4 years. If it took longer, I'd have to pay. I buckled down, and graduated in 4 years with a 3.4 GPA. It took SO much work to get my GPA up! How about making her pay for the classes she fails?

 

[akhenaten]

no advice just My oldest just started college and says she is doing well....i hope!

How did you find out?

 

[Jennasis]

My sister had the same problem. Only answer is to cut her off. It's your money afterall and not all people are college material. My sister skated by in high school on her good lucks, and ability to charm her teachers. That stuff doesn't work so well in a large Miami university.

 

[Talking Hands]

She fails a class she pays to repeat it. That is the policy we took with our youngest. It is tough love but unless you want to go bankrupt with college bills you have to be tough.

 

[yasmina]

First of all, I would wait to receive the grade report. Not saying that your source isn't accurate, but you will have a cold, hard paper to back up your outrage.

My sister and her husband faced the same situation with their son in the 2nd semester of his freshman year (the semester after my father passed away 2 yrs. ago yesterday. He was very close to his grandfather and took his death very hard). They told him he had the following semester to get his act together. Any repeat performance and he was on his own - literally. He was told he would have to move out, find his own place and pay his own way. He pulled it together. Now, he is taking this semester off, working full-time to save up some additional money. He had a lot of growing up to do, and it almost killed my sister to do what they did, but it worked, and he is a different young man now.

 

[Crankyshank]

This was me my first year of college. I was 17, immature, and excited to be out from under my parent's rule. Plus going from being a medium sized fish in a small pond to being a single cell organism in the ocean is not an easy adjustment.

My parents pulled me out of school and made me work my way through school. Which meant I had to start paying back my loans. As much as I regret taking so long to finish, it was the absolute best decision for me because when I have to pay for my own education, you can bet I'm going to make sure I get the best grade possible. It's easy to slack off and enjoy the college experience when you don't have to pay the bills.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with mjakc's approach. I think I might give her a break on this semester - it is hard to adjust to college life. But it's a 4 year only ride so she needs to work extra hard to get all of her credits if she doesn't get credit for courses this semester.

Also, I think I might make her pay you back for the loss of the scholarship.

Denae

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I really don't know what to suggest other than to tell her something like -

"starting w/ the spring semester, less than a 2.5 GPA and we will not pay for any more college."

 

[Feralpeg]

If it is any consolation, you are not alone. The drop out rate of college freshman is very high (not saying your DD will drop out). For the first time, they are away from your continued scrutiny. There are so many temptations to keep them away from studying.

There have been times that I have wanted to ask DD about her priorities when she decides a movie on campus is more important than working on a paper she has due in two days. It is hard being a parent, but I think it is a learning experience for them.

Maybe you could sit down with your DD and tell her that you heard that she is failing two classes and that will mean the loss of her scholarship. Ask her where she intends to get the money to replace the scholarship. No, you don't have to make her come up with it necessarily, but it is a legitimate question.

Kids think money grows on trees and don't realize the consequences of their actions. I've told my DD that if she lets her grades fall to the point that she loses her scholarships, she will be taking out student loans. Fortunately, my DD is an over achiever, so it hasn't been a problem. A very dear friend of mine, however, had this problem with her daughter last year. Her daughter ended up having to make up the classes in summer school in order to keep her scholorships.

to you, OP!

 

[ReggieB]

Give her a chance to tell you, otherwise it could all end up not being about the fact that she isn't doing so well and all about you keeping tabs on her and how much it's costing you. Kids have a great way of making the parents out to be the ones at fault when it isn't, it's a real talent! She might also be dreading telling you, which can often have a bit of a snowball effect. College life can be a huge adjustment. Try and talk it over calmly and rationally with her (I know that can be a tall order sometimes)

 

[bigbabyblues]

If she doesn't pass, she has to pay for the classes. It sounds awful, but there is no way I'd be paying for her to play all the time.

 

[nataliela]

I would see the report card first. I would also give her one more semester before pulling the plug!


I knew someone who would schedule classes, get her dad to pay for it, then drop out of half the classes and refund the money to herself! Her dad then only paid for a class after he saw a passing grade after the semester, like a refund.

 

[Camicar]

I would see the report card first.

The report cards are usually sent to the student, not the parent, so if that's the case, then how does she broach the matter?

I say, screw it -- just call her on it. It's your money, so you get to keep tabs on how it's being spent. If she doesn't like that, then she can pay for college herself.

 

[Keli]

What kind of system can we put in place with her to monitor her grades/attendance?

IMHO, there is nothing you can do to monitor their grades. Actually my dd's university no longer mails grades out, you go online and look them up in your account. Parent's can't look them up without the child putting in their number and password first.
The university isn't worried about anyone but the student knowing their grades. I guess they feel they are adults now and it's only their business what their grades are.
I can agree with that to a point but it is hard when your child is immature and isn't functioning as an adult at that age. They are old enough to screw up their futures but not mature enough to realize that is what they are going to do.
Good luck, I know how difficult these situations can be. Thankfully my own dd is finally old enough and mature enough to make her own decisions and deal with the consequences herself. First two years of college were horrible though.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

I would also explore the possibility that the college has mentors available to teach them HOW to study and buget time for school work. A lot of freshmen in college simply do no know how to prioritize their tasks, study and write! Possibly someone at the college would be a better resource, as he/she could "check" on her on a perodic basis to see if she is developing the student skills necessary!

 

[Breezy_Carol]

IMHO, there is nothing you can do to monitor their grades. Actually my dd's university no longer mails grades out, you go online and look them up in your account. Parent's can't look them up without the child putting in their number and password first.

I told my kids that as long as I was paying the tuition, I would have the password to the account. I want to be able to see what classes they are taking and what the grades are. It hasn't been a problem.

As far as the OP, I would wait until to find out the actual final grades before going off too hard. Freshman year can be a hard adjustment. Sit down and talk rationally about your expectations.

 

[DawnCt1]

What kind of system can we put in place with her to monitor her grades/attendance?

Some colleges have absolutely no mechanism for doing this, others do. It needs to be done with your DDs permission of course, but her agreeing to close monitoring for the next two semesters could be the "ticket" she needs to return to school next semester. DS#4 did not do well his first semester and was headed for bad grades. I made him withdraw from school before the semester ended, and take a job as a dishwasher and pay some of the tuition back. He will have to explain in Ws some day, but it preserved his cum. He also forfeited his Christmas present, although we did get him something small; not his usual "haul". By January, he was begging to go back to school and ended up with a 3.3 for the semester. Part of the deal is that I have the pass word to his student on line information and I can check the grade when it comes out. That was the cost of returning to school. I know how you feel. It is upsetting. DS#2 one too many English Comp classes and ended up with a C-. The Professor counted attendance. He didn't think that was "that bad", until he had to repeat it. Anything below a C in a core class has to be repeated. That was in his freshman year and he didn't repeat it. Some things are a growing experience. There is nothing like one bad grade to ruin a cum and it takes a lot longer to bring it back up than it does to tear it down.

 

[disykat]

I plan on doing the same thing my parents did. We sat down each semester and laid out goals and expenses. Then they wrote a check which I deposited to pay my bills. At the end of the semester I laid out my gradepoint etc. at the next "financial session." It was well understood that we would be on "probation" if we had a bad report and that would be followed by no more money if grades didn't come back up.

My parents paid for all of my college, all but one class of my sister's (she withdrew to avoid flunking), and only 3 terms total for my brother. After my brother flunked out, the only thing they paid for him was medical insurance and expenses and very occasional emergency living expenses help.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Sounds like she is not presently college material and needs to get her act together before she continues with her schooling.
I am not sure what system you could set up to monitor her grades/progress, as my parents didn't pay a red cent for my college tuition or any of my graduate programs (I've done three). I didn't live at home, they didn't buy or contribute in any way to my car, they didn't pay for my food...NOTHING. I was on my own, and I knew it. I graduated in 4 years with honors. I'm guessing your daughter will either get with the program if she is faced with paying her own way, or drop out, proving she didn't take it seriously to begin with. It's just not that important to some people, especially at her age. Have a talk with her and see how it goes. Good luck!