Dating With Aspegers

[CptJackSparrowsGirl]

Not sure if this will be moved or not to a different area, but I'm still going to post it here lol.

I was wondering if any of the parents/ppl with/or others can tell me about their experiance with dating and Aspeger's Syndrom.

I ask this because I have it and find it really hard to find/like/or attract a guy.
I have never dated and I was and still at times a loner in school/events/activities/and such.
I keep trying to find ways to get out there and meet a guy, but I keep crashing and burning in my attempts.
One of most recent has been joining a young adult bible study, but getting there I find everyone is pretty much married.
I've tried starting a bible study for singles at my church, but then failed due to being never around to do so or no one seems to show up even when I pm, post, and text.
I am in college, but I'm only taking one class twice a week and the rest of the time is free.
I've even tried to apply for a job in the hope of getting to work with ppl and get to know them and relate and possible find a guy in the process.
I've asked friends to ask their friends (total fail).
I've been online on free christian sites (keep trying to get my mom to let me go on a legit pay dating site like match or something).
I try to post on here in the Adults and Solo Travel section (no bites there).

*Sigh* it just seems that no matter how I try nothing seems to get anywhere.
I pray and pray for progress and signs, but God is keeping me in the dark at this time lol.
I'm a shy young 21 year old, I don't drink or party, and I'm a movie buff tom boy.
I try not to get upset over these things, but its hard when both of my roommates have boyfriends which they hang on all the time.

I know I must wait, but ask you, if any of you know anything that can improve my chances, plz tell me.

 

[bookwormde]

My view (and from talking to many others) is that NT style dating just does not work for us, for the most part we are "found" by someone looking for deeper qualities.Volunteering at service organizations or groups or work in you areas of special interest are good ways to develop relationships before dating, which tends to work better for us. Dating to a great extent is about putting on a facade (no wonder the divorce rate is so high) and we are just no good at that.

bookwormde

 

[NotUrsula]

Well, I'm a bit late with this suggestion since the election was yesterday, but doing grunt work on a political campaign can work well. (Not canvassing, since we're usually not good at that, but doing database work and data analysis is usually a good fit for an Aspie. Good learning experience, too.)

An enormous number of the married Aspies I know met their SO's in one of three places: grad school, historical re-enactment societies, or fan conventions. I suggest that based on your description, film festival organizing groups should probably be your first choice. If your college doesn't host a film festival, try a neighboring school that does.

Honestly, church is one of those areas that tends not to be the best avenue, since it tends to attract people who value homogeneity. IME, very few ordinary church organization really welcome people who are out of step with the mainstream appearance/behavior standards for people of that faith.

 

[Dancind]

Ah sweetie, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. My DD is too. She's 19, and really can't figure out the dating thing at all.

Aspies don't really know how to play the traditional dating game. Keeping up a facade is really a lot of work. All I can say is, it will get better when you get older. As guys mature, they are more likely to accept you for the way you are. I am pretty much an aspie myself, and did not get married until I was 35. That's a lot of years of bad dating.

You need some activities, as others here have suggested. Too easy to sit at home on the computer, right? For me it was country western dancing. I was pretty good at it, and met tons of guys that way. If dancing is not your thing, how about anything that is sort of a group activity? Check the paper for hiking clubs, astronomy clubs, even yes LAN gaming groups. Lots of guys there.

I know from my DD that guy activities are of more interest, she was into the LAN gaming for a while. Now she longboards (not really a great idea).

Anyway, there's got to be something you will enjoy that will get you out of your apartment. Keep trying for a job too. DD started out as a bag & cart girl at the grocery store, then went to work at Target, Starbucks, now the Apple store. Working has helped her be more social, obviously.

I know there are a couple of online dating sites for Aspies, but I think you would have to live in a large city to find a pool of guys that are signed up. And be careful of that.

Make your goal to get out more, make more friends, talk to more people. The other stuff will happen.

 

[jlovesee]

You sound just like me, only I am 33 (I was 21 many moons ago). I am undiagnosed aspergers because it didnt exist when I was a kid, I was diagnosed w ADD, and I have pretty much textbook symptoms. When I read the part about having to "learn" social skills, that hits the nail on the head.

I am however currently married, so there is hope.

When I was in high school I was VERY interverted, shy, didn't talk to anyone, didn't have ANY friends, and was and still very tomboy. I was terrified to reach out to anyone that I would be hurt, or that I would appear to be an idiot, or that they would hate me, or all of thee above.

I like you had to PUSH myself into social situations. My saving grace honestly was that in 7th grade I started band, (played trombone) I was a TERRIBLE trombone player! However, it did get me involved. That's what I would recommend find a group in the college you are enrolled in. There are usually dozens, photography, band, music, art, something. Usually college students will be in your age group, and they will also share the same interests. It's hard I know, trust me I know....

My first boyfriend was in college marching band with me. We went out for 8 months, and we had common interests but I don't think he could put up with my mood and turbulent emotions. That was a bad and very emotional experience for me. It was probably one of the darkest parts of my life, honestly. I made myself believe that I was unloved, and that no one could possibly love me.

Into that darkest moment stepped the man who is now my husband. I had started a website on our local park here, Worlds of Fun, and started meeting up with people that I would talk with on the forum at the park. So 2nd piece of advise. Aspergers always have a topic they are infatuated with. Mine is Worlds of Fun, I can talk about it until I am blue in the face. Find a way to make that work for you. Sometimes a topic infatuation can be a bad thing, it can scare some people off, they will think you are strange, you probably already know this. (BTW I have come to love my strangeness). However, it isn't always a negative. My husband and I both share a love of Worlds of Fun, and we still don't know who the bigger fan is. This is how I meet him and this is why we are still together.

Some people may call Aspergers strange, odd, out of place, socially awkward. I am all of these things to the nth degree. I don't mind. Its who I am. It has taken 33 years for me to come to that relization. I am okay with it. Make your weaknesses your strengths, and have faith.

Jennifer

 

[CptJackSparrowsGirl]

I thought for sure I had answered this thread at least once. Weird.
Well I thought I'd update on this.
I'm still single, but its been in a way a good thing.
I've been currently been retesting to see if I might have more then just AS and have found out I might possibly have some other things in there, but hopefully nothing that won't go way with time.
To boot, I have been struggling with my love of art and striving to get a graphic design degree so I can create art for a living.
I desided to drop my current class due to over stressing that caused major headaches.
Its now even looking like I may not continue with this degree in the end.
Thankfully not all is sad with this change of mind.
I have taken enough credits and classes to get many certificates and I believe even a art degree of some kind (I have to reach check).

Do to all this and much more, I am greatful I didn't have a boyfriend during this time for I feel I would have pulled him down and been to emotional to be caring of his emotions and not wanting to hear about my problems all the time.
Though in many ways I wish I had had a boyfriend to tell these things to and feel comfort and love instead of grief, stress, and loneliness (though my parents did help me during this time).

 

[minkydog]

Well, I'm a bit late with this suggestion since the election was yesterday, but doing grunt work on a political campaign can work well. (Not canvassing, since we're usually not good at that, but doing database work and data analysis is usually a good fit for an Aspie. Good learning experience, too.)

An enormous number of the married Aspies I know met their SO's in one of three places: grad school, historical re-enactment societies, or fan conventions. I suggest that based on your description, film festival organizing groups should probably be your first choice. If your college doesn't host a film festival, try a neighboring school that does.

.

My sister married an undiagnosed Aspy back in 1990. They met through SCA, a medieval re-enactment group. They are still married and still "dressing up." He is very quiet, hard-working, and a little intense. But she loves him. They did not have children, and for them, I think that was the right decision. He does require some special handling, but nothing too far out in left field. They both really get into the study of history so that makes their SCA hobby a happy one.

Best of luck to you.

 

[ireland_nicole]

You sound just like me, only I am 33 (I was 21 many moons ago). I am undiagnosed aspergers because it didnt exist when I was a kid, I was diagnosed w ADD, and I have pretty much textbook symptoms. When I read the part about having to "learn" social skills, that hits the nail on the head.

I am however currently married, so there is hope.

When I was in high school I was VERY interverted, shy, didn't talk to anyone, didn't have ANY friends, and was and still very tomboy. I was terrified to reach out to anyone that I would be hurt, or that I would appear to be an idiot, or that they would hate me, or all of thee above.

I like you had to PUSH myself into social situations. My saving grace honestly was that in 7th grade I started band, (played trombone) I was a TERRIBLE trombone player! However, it did get me involved. That's what I would recommend find a group in the college you are enrolled in. There are usually dozens, photography, band, music, art, something. Usually college students will be in your age group, and they will also share the same interests. It's hard I know, trust me I know....

My first boyfriend was in college marching band with me. We went out for 8 months, and we had common interests but I don't think he could put up with my mood and turbulent emotions. That was a bad and very emotional experience for me. It was probably one of the darkest parts of my life, honestly. I made myself believe that I was unloved, and that no one could possibly love me.

Into that darkest moment stepped the man who is now my husband. I had started a website on our local park here, Worlds of Fun, and started meeting up with people that I would talk with on the forum at the park. So 2nd piece of advise. Aspergers always have a topic they are infatuated with. Mine is Worlds of Fun, I can talk about it until I am blue in the face. Find a way to make that work for you. Sometimes a topic infatuation can be a bad thing, it can scare some people off, they will think you are strange, you probably already know this. (BTW I have come to love my strangeness). However, it isn't always a negative. My husband and I both share a love of Worlds of Fun, and we still don't know who the bigger fan is. This is how I meet him and this is why we are still together.

Some people may call Aspergers strange, odd, out of place, socially awkward. I am all of these things to the nth degree. I don't mind. Its who I am. It has taken 33 years for me to come to that relization. I am okay with it. Make your weaknesses your strengths, and have faith.

Jennifer

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for writing this and tell you I actually printed it to give to my DD in a few years. She is dx'd PDD-NOS and is very unique and quirky- in a good way She often tells me what it's going to be like when she gets married (she's 11). She's a huge WDW nut so she's sure it's going to be at WDW and she looks at the Disney inspired wedding dresses, etc. I admit, there are nights I've told her how wonderful her dreams are, but have then cried myself to sleep wondering if there is anyone out there for her, who will see her unique gifts even though they are covered in non traditional wrapping. Your post gives me hope that if she's willing to embrace who she is created to be, that there may be someone perfect for her too.

to the op, please don't give up hope. traditional dating doesn't work well for a lot of neurotypicals either. My DH is a subclinical aspie, and although there have been challenges, I wouldn't trade him for the world- I was the first woman he really "dated" and he was 31 when we met.

 

[Joanna71985]

I'm the same way. I hate looking at friends who are dating/married (and even some friends that are my age, have kids now). I also hate that I compare myself to my parents (at this point in my life, if I was the same, I would have been married 6 years by now). I wish I had someone

 

[worm761]

You need to come to terms with who you are before you can ask anyone else to accept you. How is someone else supposed to accept who you are when you haven't figured it out for yourself? Embrace you. Make YOU happy. And I promise, the rest will fall into place.

DS is 15 and has not started dating yet. I am not looking forward to when he does either! LOL