Dating: Should you date to get married or date to have fun?

[NY Disney fan]

I didn't want to hijack another thread but wanted to know, for anyone that is single right now or who used to date (years ago), should anyone over the age of 21 date with the intention of marrying or date to just have fun? Secondly, please describe the word "fun".

Also, for those who have spent many years dating and have not married, did you wish you changed your strategy and not wasted time with unsuitable people? Or are you glad you dated many people to give you perspective?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have been married 19yrs and we still "date" to have fun. When you go out, it should be fun, unmarried or married.

Now if you are asking about compatibility with someone for marriage that happens naturally. Usually not on dates. You find that out after the date over time.

I hope that makes sense to you, but that is how I look at it.

 

[alexandria674]

..what? You can't do both?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Interesting topic.

Outside of middle school and high school where I wasn't really thinking about marriage...

Dating for me was for the purpose of finding a mate. I wasn't a crazy woman who would tell my date on the first date or anything. But when I coupled, it was for the purpose of courtship and leading down that path. As a result, I had fewer boyfriends (I only had 2 my entire college career, my choice). I did "date" a few other guys. But nothing serious.

I had plenty of friends, both guy and girl--so "dating" wasn't necessary for me to have "fun". Though dating in and of itself typically was fun. But I was never wined and dined--and I was okay with that.

I also dated exclusively--meaning that, for me, it didn't mean that the person was my boyfriend or anything. It was just not my preference to have a date with one guy on Friday, a different guy on Saturday.

But I would not change the manner in which I had dated.

It's only a waste if you cling to a dating partner so that you will have a dating partner. Then and ony then is it a waste. Especially if the fun is long long gone. I've known some people who did that and they were new people when they finally cut the umbillical cord of unhappiness. I've witnessed that a number of times.

And also--nothing wrong with folks who do choose to delay finding a mate and dating around. Everyone's goals and dreams are different and you should certainly not let the opinions of others or the status quo make you do something you don't want to do until you are ready. (I've seen someone rush into marriage b/c they felt it was the natural next step. Big mistake and they did ultimately divorce.)

 

[NMAmy]

Why not date to have fun? I think sometimes people get tunnel vision and focus on only dating guys they THINK will be a good match. And I believe that sometimes, if you give a guy a chance you can discover that your criteria for the perfect mate was incorrect all along.

If someone asks you out, go for it. At the worst, you'll have had an encounter you can regale your friends with later in a worst first date contest. It's just dinner, you don't have to marry the guy.

 

[NY Disney fan]

..what? You can't do both?

I think the question then becomes, if you become intimate in your dating life, can you then discern whether or not someone is good marriage material?

 

[alexandria674]

I think the question then becomes, if you become intimate in your dating life, can you then discern whether or not someone is good marriage material?

Sure, I mean it is kind of hard to explain, but after spending some time with another person you start to notice the traits that are desirable in a good marriage. You don't really rely just on that, but on other things as well. You start to see the other person's flaws and that also helps in the decision.

 

[happygirl]

When I was dating I wouldn't just causal date. I wouldn't date anyone I didn't seeing it being long term

 

[Jennasis]

You can do both. My sister was dating for fun....lots of different guys. Being matched up online etc. That's how she met Mr. Right. They're marrying this summer. Before him, she was like a speed dater!

 

[Minnie_me]

I'm on the verge of my second divorce. I am planning on NEVER getting married again.

But I think that I will definitely want to DATE (much later, I'm definitely not ready now). I know that I enjoy male companionship, and it's nice to have somebody to talk to, to go to dinner with, etc.

Why does marriage have to be the end goal?

 

[Acklander]

When dating, I dated for fun and happened to find a partner along the way. when going out, I wasn't thinking - is this the person I wanted to spend my life with, but more of a "lets have a good time and see where it goes". When it stopped being fun, I'd move on. but, personality wise, I've never been much a of a planner and more of a wing it type gal. That may have something to do with it. Even when I was proposed to (happened 5 times along the way) - I told him, if he was looking for a "wife" he should keep looking as I didn't really consider myself "wifey" material. but if he was looking to have fun, it might work. I guess that was my way of asking the guy to accept me for who I was, warts and all. If doing it over again, I'd do it the exact same way. I had a blast!!!!

 

[NY Disney fan]

Why does marriage have to be the end goal?

It doesn't have to be. But many people are not comfortable going to the next level (intimatcy) in a dating relationship outside of marriage. And of course, some people want children (within the marriage framework).

 

[jlewisinsyr]

I cannot tell you how many guys I've dated, seen, gone out with before I met the guy I am with now. I made some great friends and connections in the community during this time, so although it didn't work out to date, ultimately it changed my life.

In regards to intimacy, I think people have this perception that sex equals love, when in reality, sure you can love a person and be sexual with them, but sex is not love.

 

[mrsklamc]

For me the biggest issue I see with dating for fun is that for many (most?) people dating= sex.

I think people like to ignore the reality that any time you have sex with someone, you may be making a baby- and assuming you choose to have and keep that baby, this person that you were dating 'just for fun' becomes someone you are bound to for life.

 

[lillygator]

to have fun, why put the pressure on to marry?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I dated for fun for years. Found my wife on one of those dates. We didn't like one another at all when we first met, but were thrown together often enough that we actually got to know one another. Had either of us been exclusively "looking for a spouse", that never would have happened.

Also, dating for fun doesn't mean that you become intimate with your dates. I dated hundreds of girls, but intimacy was not a part of the dating process for me. I didn't go down that road unless the person began to mean something to me. I found that it was better to just go out and dance, have a few drinks, whatever. I found that intimacy meant too much to the girls that I was dating, so I put it off unless it was going to mean something to me, too. (Admittedly, there were a few girls who were more casual, with whom I was more casual, but that was not the norm).

If you go out for fun, you will get to know others as they really are. They will be less likely to put on a facade, as will you. And a bad date, at its worst, is just a fun time that could have been more fun with someone else.

Just my opinion...

 

[FireDancer]

When I go out on a first date it is just to get to know the person and there are no long term scheme. If it goes well the next handful of dates are just for fun. If a couple of months go by they may be marriage material but I don't put any pressure on myself or her to do a marriage audition right away.

Fun (the DIS friendly parts) just means doing things we like and spending time to get to really know each other. You don't really get to know someone until you are more comfortable with each other and you have some non-planned life experiences together.

I'm sure others have different ideas but this is mine.

 

[Acklander]

For me the biggest issue I see with dating for fun is that for many (most?) people dating= sex.

I think people like to ignore the reality that any time you have sex with someone, you may be making a baby- and assuming you choose to have and keep that baby, this person that you were dating 'just for fun' becomes someone you are bound to for life.

Dating doesn't always equal sex. Sometimes you can just go out to have fun and never progress to the next step. Also, birth control, when used properly, is quite effective.
While there is nothing wrong with dating just to find a mate, if that's your ultimate goal - I don't see an problems with just dating for the fun of it.

 

[mrsklamc]

Dating doesn't always equal sex. Sometimes you can just go out to have fun and never progress to the next step. Also, birth control, when used properly, is quite effective.
While there is nothing wrong with dating just to find a mate, if that's your ultimate goal - I don't see an problems with just dating for the fun of it.

No, dating certainly doesn't always equal sex. And birth control is quite effective, but not foolproof. I'm just saying the CHANCE is always there...and basically the issue of sex is the only problem I see with dating for fun. It doesn't apply to everyone, but it seems like those it does apply to are blind to it sometimes.

I think this esp. applies to guys who don't know how manipulative (or inept) some women can be and basically trust that she took her pill- but I also have female friends-who I love- who are single moms and act like it's something they had no way of avoiding, like the flu or something.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

No, dating certainly doesn't always equal sex. And birth control is quite effective, but not foolproof. I'm just saying the CHANCE is always there...and basically the issue of sex is the only problem I see with dating for fun. It doesn't apply to everyone, but it seems like those it does apply to are blind to it sometimes.

I think this esp. applies to guys who don't know how manipulative (or inept) some women can be and basically trust that she took her pill- but I also have female friends-who I love- who are single moms and act like it's something they had no way of avoiding, like the flu or something.

I did not have unprotected sex, even when the woman insisted that there was no risk. Pregnancy isn't the only thing to be concerned about...