Daily joke thread......

[mnsprk]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of a lake in DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'


'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'


'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'


Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Capitol.'


'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'


Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s--t out of them and eat 'em!'


'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s--t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a--hole and a briefcase

 

[2goofycampers]

So true

 

[Born 2 Fish]

HYSTERICAL!!!
(I do plan to get FW & SW liscences this year. I haven't been in years, but I'm ready to get the little ones fishin'.)

My 6 year old told me this one:

What kind of a boy moos?...................................A COWboy!

I hope you do,,,all kids need the chance to try fish'n or at least to see if they like it or not. Remember, with kids PATIENCE is the word,

Love his joke, very good.
you can go here for kids jokes he might enjoy, ansd lots of other things for kids too...
http://www.rvusa.org/dev/forum/viewtopic.php?f=64&t=651&start=30

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of a lake in DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'


'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'


'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'


Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Capitol.'


'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'


Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s--t out of them and eat 'em!'


'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s--t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a--hole and a briefcase

 

[kampfirekim]

I hope you do,,,all kids need the chance to try fish'n or at least to see if they like it or not. Remember, with kids PATIENCE is the word,

Love his joke, very good.
you can go here for kids jokes he might enjoy, ansd lots of other things for kids too...
http://www.rvusa.org/dev/forum/viewtopic.php?f=64&t=651&start=30

Amen to that! Our 5 yr old has spec/needs, so we have had to learn the true meaning of patience. Our 6 yr old has fished a few times and he does like it. He got his own pole last birthday. Our situation has challenged our ability to do many things we'd like. (Autistic child + fishing hooks = DISASTER!) But we're getting ready to take the bull by the horns and fish by golly! Lake, ocean or river...bring it on!

Oops! That was a little serious! Forgot I was on the joke thread for a minute. Let me see....


OK, here goes,
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? 100

1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to turn the house!

(Can you tell I'm not blonde?)

BTW, thanks for the link.

 

[Modeltrf]

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

 

[Modeltrf]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV romote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.""Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

 

[clkelley]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?'

'Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and very frustrated St. Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And to pass it on to other folks !

 

[2goofycampers]

A smile - is a sign of joy.


A hug - is a sign of love.


A laugh - is a sign of happiness.


And a friend like me??
...that's just a sign of good taste!!

 

[tellnotails]

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees
will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our
prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase
our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will
have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been
bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to
choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found
sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided
these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way
to approach this problem. They voted for change...... I'll gave it to
them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.


THE BOSS

 

[kampfirekim]

 

[Modeltrf]

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[liv luvs disney]

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[ntsammy5]

Three nuns stand at the Pealry Gates of Heaven, and Saint Peter turns to them and explains that they must answer a single question each to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Sister Lara steps forward.

"Who was the first man on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Adam," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

Sister Evelyn steps forward and says she is ready.
"Who was the first woman on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Eve," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

The Mother Superior steps forward and announces that she is ready.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" asks the Saint. The Mother Superior is shocked.
"My goodness," she says, "that's a hard one." And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

 

[homebrew2]

Three nuns stand at the Pealry Gates of Heaven, and Saint Peter turns to them and explains that they must answer a single question each to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Sister Lara steps forward.

"Who was the first man on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Adam," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

Sister Evelyn steps forward and says she is ready.
"Who was the first woman on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Eve," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.


The Mother Superior steps forward and announces that she is ready.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" asks the Saint. The Mother Superior is shocked.
"My goodness," she says, "that's a hard one." And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

AL....AL.....AL...you really are a dirty old man

 

[ntsammy5]

AL....AL.....AL...you really are a dirty old man

It takes one to know one!

 

[Modeltrf]

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say. "" (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we couldchange her burial to Friday. He said,""That would be better for me. "" (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above. "" (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, ""If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it! "" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the ""pedagogical approach "" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for ""perverts "" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word ""pedagogical "" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)"

 

[mnsprk]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: '

California archaeologists, finding traces of a 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Courier Hub, a local newspaper in Wisconsin, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Stoughton , Wisconsin , Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wisconsin had already gone wireless."

 

[clkelley]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON