Daily joke thread......

[homebrew2]

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to
the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out
to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at
$10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their
effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each,
and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to
even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However,
since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would
now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look
at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the
city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded
up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

 

[AuburnJen92]

WHEN PUMPKINS DRINK...

 

[ntsammy5]

HEY! That sick pumpkin was drinking Moosehead! What a waste of good beer!

 

[BRDof3]

HEY! That sick pumpkin was drinking Moosehead! What a waste of good beer!

That Moose was loose!

 

[auntie]

Got this in my e-mail today..thought it was cute. Some of you fisher "men" might enjoy it.

Fishing


Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped
fishing.

 

[BRDof3]

 

[VACAMPER]

oops

 

[ntsammy5]

Got this in my e-mail today...

I pretty much can't post any of my emails here!

 

[homebrew2]

I pretty much can't post any of my emails here!

I know watchca mean Al.....Them dam messages from the porn sites and Viagra
adds are pretty much all I get anymore either.

 

[AuburnJen92]

Ok, I live with a geek, I thought this was funny....

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.
It just has '4X' on it. “At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

 

[ntsammy5]

.....Them dam messages from the porn sites and Viagra adds are pretty much all I get anymore either.

Yeah me too, but it keeps me entertained!

 

[homebrew2]

Yeah me too, but it keeps me entertained!

I can definitely relate.....The part that depresses the crap out of me
is......that it's the high point of my day.

 

[ntsammy5]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

#You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:







Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does
the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does
my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the
gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does
the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have
appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded
gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society
and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he
definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get
away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this
street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed
day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage
such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this
with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips or Hollow Points?!"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

 

[AuburnJen92]

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

 

[lisa8200]

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

[PolynesianPixie]

 

[BRDof3]

I put one on Jim's site yesterday. Better not put it here, Roz might wave her wand and turn me into a toad!

 

[PolynesianPixie]

I put one on Jim's site yesterday. Better not put it here, Roz might wave her wand and turn me into a toad!

Oh, its one of those jokes.......so glad you thought better than to post it here. John's site is not of the same caliber that the Dis is, you know. Being a lady I appreciate the virtuous protocol.








(whispering) I'll be over there to check it out in a minute!

 

[homebrew2]

I put one on Jim's site yesterday. Better not put it here, Roz might wave her wand and turn me into a toad!

Hey Rob!!! Who's Jim????

 

[PolynesianPixie]

Hey Rob!!! Who's Jim????

I am such a dunce~I didn't even notice that!