cutting people out of your life

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I am mainly talking about relatives for me anyway. I would like some kind of advice or at least tell me your experiance as to why and how you cut ties.

My situation is this: I have a mother and a sister, neither one of them calls me, or attempts to contact me any other way. I do have both of them on my FB, although, I don't know why, they never comment on anything I post. It bothers me now because my husband and I are about to go through IVF, and I never get one encouaging word from either of them.

I spent my whole life having to go to them. I went to my sisters one and only baby shower (she has 1 kid) My sister is 5 years older then me, and we've always lived 3 hours away from eachother at the time. My sister or my mother never went to my baby showers, I had 2 of them, that was 14 and 12 years ago. I went to her wedding, neither my sister OR my mother went to mine. AND YES, my mother went to hers. Neither went to my wedding shower either. I gave my nephew bday cards ect. My sister never once even acknowledged my kids birthdays. Plus like I said, niether of them calls me, or emails me. I'm just at my wits end here. I want to take them off my FB page, and ignore them the rest of my life. I don't think I need to keep them in my life. Neither one of them serves a purpose I don't believe. Just a reminder of everything I have done, what they haven't done. It mades me feel like dog doo doo when I think about it all.

Eveytime I get on there to delete them, I just feel like I don't want to hurt their feelings. What is wrong with me? I need to let them go.

Just some backgound, I grew up with my father since I was six, and my sister grew up with my mother. From age 7-14 I lived in PA with my dad, and my mom and sister lived in NH. Then when my dad retired, we move to VT when I was 14 until today I'm now 35. So I have lived 3 hours away from them all these years.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like you never really developed a relationship with them growing up and they don't seem interested to develop one now.

I'd probably remove them from FB and just let it go....

 

[ginna74]

(((((((((minni))))))))))))))) While you are on IVF you are going to want/need support. If they are not there for you then you should just follow your heart.....

 

[EthansMom]

I don't think you need to "cut them out of your life". That seems like such a dramatic turn of phrase. (And neither of these women sounds like they're worth being upset over.)

Instead, realize that the only relationship you have with either of them is due entirely to effort on your part. And, if the relationship isn't going both ways, why are you bothering? Just because you share some DNA doesn't mean that you always have to be on the giving end of the relationship.

Don't feel guilty.... you've tried your darnedest to create a relationship with these women and they aren't interested. Personally, I'd delete them from Facebook, quit worrying about calling often, and (maybe) just send them a Christmas card each year. If they ever want to pursue a relationship with you, then they can do that when they are ready.

 

[pyrxtc]

I would delete them from Facebook and send them a Christmas card every year. Forget the birthdays or any other event wiht them and just enjoy your own family. Obviously they do not want to be part of it and that is only their loss. I'm sure you are not the one missing out but they are missing out on everything and it's their own fault.

 

[Sparx]

i would delete them off facebook and not look back. (but after not attending my baby shower/wedding, i wouldn't even have them on my facebook. )

if you're going through ivf, you need a good, strong support system around you, and these two will not provide that.

 

[themilesfamily]

What an awfully sad situation. I'm sorry, but I cannot understand a mother not attending her own daughter's wedding, baby shower, etc. That is just cold.

If I were you, I wouldn't take any big dramatic steps to cut them out of your life. It sounds like they're already out of it for the most part. Just take the high road. I think it's nice you send your nephew birthday cards, etc., and I would probably keep doing that. It says a lot about you as a person that you continue to acknowledge them as family. At least you can be proud of your own behavior and have nothing to regret.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You don't need to "cut them out of your life" because they are not in your life to begin with.

The reason you do not cut them off of Facebook is more about you. You are still holding out hope. You are really just giving yourself permission to move forward. Nothing wrong with taking your life in a different direction.

I would just continue to live my life as is and if you happen to see them be polite and cordial.

Simplify your life instead of making it more complex.

 

[quentina]

My bio dad disowned me at 8 (please do not feel sorry for me...it was for the best, he was not someone who should of been a parent however; there are times that I ask WHY?). I was raised by my mom and step dad, who raised me as his own, and treats my kids as his own....he is an amazing man!

Anyway, Eddie (bio-dad), had 2 sisters and a brother. None of them bother with me. I have realized that they were forced (or felt that they were forced) to make a choice....brother or niece. They chose their brother.

I also feel that there is jealousy involved. They are backward, vicious people who think money is the key to everything. Although we do have decent jobs, we are not rich in anyway. I adopted 2 bi-racial children and they made comments to neighbors that only "I" would do something like that , I am also happily married to my husband for 15 years (got married at 22) while they have been unable to find happiness (I imagine their crappy personality has something to do with it).

Again, there are always times that you question why did this happen?? In the next breathe, I think.....thank god I am not part of the disfunctionalism.

 

[Rose&Mike]

I can tell you from experience that completely cutting them out of your life can be hard and painful. I've had little to no contact with my parents for close to 6 years. They were both extemely abusive for the 18 years that I lived with them, and my mom kept choosing to go back to my alcoholic father. Anyhow, in my 30's I decided that enough was enough. Things do crop up though, and it's a setback everytime something happens. My dad died this year, and it made for a difficult couple of months, emotionally for me. I did not go to his funeral. Despite how horrible he was to me, I had to sort out the guilty feelings that I had regarding skipping the funeral and not dealing with my mom.

The point of all this was not to tell you about my family, but to tell you to do what you need to do to be happy. If that means cutting them off of facebook, then do that. If you can stop dealing with them and not look back then do that. I have trouble living with the hurt feelings I may be causing someone else. For this reason, I sent my mom a graduation announcement when my DS graduated high school. I heard nothing from her. I still think it was the right thing to do. I don't send any other cards, but thought she might like to see a recent picture of him.

They are already not in your life. You just have to decide if it will help you to live with your decision for you to initiate any contact, such as Christmas cards, or cards to your nephew. Do things that feel good to you, and don't worry about what they do or don't do. I know that may sound hard to do, and it is sometimes, but at the end of the day you need to be at peace with yourself.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It stinks to not have a mom, whatever the reason.

Best of luck with the IVF. I hope it goes well!

 

[FireDancer]

My father is a gambler, lier, and thief and I will have nothing to do with him for the rest of my life. My mom and one of my brothers feel the same way and my uncles asked him not to go to his own father's funeral.

The decision to cut someone out of your life is personal and usually takes a lot into consideration. I don't know you well enough to say whether or not this is the thing for you to do.

I cut my father out not because he didn't make an effort to contact me but because he is just not a good person and I don't feel the need to have him be an influence in my life in even the smallest way. It sounds from your post that your situation is one more of indifference on your families part than anything really character or action related. I agree with the PP that said to erase them from Facebook and don't initiate contact. Maybe send a Christmas card but don't call them or anything like that. If they care about a relationship with you they will call to inquire as to why you don't call anymore and you can use that to talk to them about the way you feel. It may be that they are so oblivious to life that they don't even know. If they don't care enough about you to make an effort to keep you in their life I say you are better off without the baggage of a one way relationship.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am not trying to be mean but it doesn't seem like they are really in your life to begin with. They don't acknowledge you at all. I feel very bad for you but from what you are posted they are simply strangers. I would move on. You are starting on a new chapter in your life with IVF. Cling to people who truly love and care for you. Don't add any more stress and sadness. Good luck.

 

[pigletgirl]

I always say, maintain relationship. It doesn't matter how much they've messed up, you still love them. It may be hard to do as they've 'hurt' you. It may be time to sit down with them and tell them how you feel.

I also would not delete them from facebook either. That's a very passive agressive thing to do. You'd just be stirring the kettle.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Sounds like you never really developed a relationship with them growing up and they don't seem interested to develop one now.

I'd probably remove them from FB and just let it go....

I agree.

I've cut a few family members out of my life. I've never been one to hold on to a non-existent relationship just because I'm blood related to someone. They may not know you even delete them from FB as they don't get a message or anything, if they weren't paying any attention to your posts in the first place. Why hold on to any relationship that makes you feel so miserable for so long?

 

[hulagirl87]

My sister and I cut my dad out of our life 5 years ago and it was the best decision we ever made. I don't miss him at all. Even though someone is a family member doesn't mean that you have to like them or have them in your life. It is a choice and if someone isn't nice to you or supportive of you, you do not need to tolerate it. Good luck to you whatever you decide

 

[RitaZ.]

I don't think you need to "cut them out of your life". That seems like such a dramatic turn of phrase.

I agree with this.

I think the key here is that you have to stop expecting them to do the right thing. If they can't disappoint you, then they can't hurt you. It isn't easy getting there, but it can be done.

You don't have to make an announcement that you're cutting them out of your life. Expect nothing from them and go on with your life. Stop acknowledging their special days and events. Let things happen naturally. As for totally severing ties with them, that's a decision that only you can make.

 

[minnieandmickeymouse]

I agree with this.

I think the key here is that you have to stop expecting them to do the right thing. If they can't disappoint you, then they can't hurt you. It isn't easy getting there, but it can be done.

You don't have to make an announcement that you're cutting them out of your life. Expect nothing from them and go on with your life. Stop acknowledging their special days and events. Let things happen naturally. As for totally severing ties with them, that's a decision that only you can make.

It's funny that you said this because I did just that in Aug. it was both my sister's 40th and my nephew's 18th bday. I was already feeling done with her selfishness, so I didn't acknowedge their birthday. So guess what I got on her bday, a text message from her telling me it was their bday, like I didn't already know. It's all about her.

 

[RitaZ.]

It's funny that you said this because I did just that in Aug. it was both my sister's 40th and my nephew's 18th bday. I was already feeling done with her selfishness, so I didn't acknowedge their birthday. So guess what I got on her bday, a text message from her telling me it was their bday, like I didn't already know. It's all about her.

It's sad and funny at the same time.

 

[comicguy]

I have pretty much done this with my sister(have not talked in several years and that is a good thing). I am currently on the verge of doing the same thing with my parents.

 

[Poohbear123]

....But I will tell you MY situation..I have a similar stiuation...only its my 2 older Brothers. One lives in Idaho, has for years, and after our Mom died 13 years ago, he came down, we had a service for Mom and..that was that! Have not heard a peep out of him since than. The other Brother, lives not too far, and practically passes by my house everday to go to his job South of me...never comes by, or calls... just once a Month I get an Email about "How are you, I am fine" kind of thing... He and the Older Brother are close, he is also close to the older Brothers kids, and they have "reunions" every year or so...am I invited? NO! Am I hurt? Yea, but I realize we were not all that close growing up, so I guess its just as well.... I have no intentions of calling or contacting the Older Brother, his silence has made his point to me.