Custodial Parents Child Support Support Group!

[disneydreamin247]

So... our health insurance expired. DS is sick and I had to take him to the doctor. $75 for the visit and $50 for the scripts. Poor DS has strep AND pink eye . What really gets me mad is that the donor can put off paying FOREVER, but if I couldn't afford it and didn't take him I would have charges filed against me.

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

(sorry this is so long and full of errors but it is 1:30 in the morning and I'm so tired)

This thread is so upsetting because I am just starting this process. My divorce was final last month and I was told by my lawyer that I "didn't have to do anything" because CS was setting up for his pay to be garnished. I have no "epicard" or whatever it was called. Right now I am totally reliant on him to do the right thing. Yeah right.

First: he has an affair.

Second:Instead of owning up to it, he treats me so bad, so abusively, when I cried and told him how bad his treatment was hurting me, his reply? "There's the door." He wanted me gone, but he refused to leave. He wanted ME to be the one to walk out the door. I had no choice but to take the girls and fly home. (only after I left, did he call, crying and admitted to the affair, like it was some huge surprise...yeah, I kinda figured you were hiding something. jerk)

Third: After he dumps me and our children off at the airport like yesterdays garbage, he buys himself a new sportscar. I guess in celebration of his new found swingin single life. "I needed it because you were getting the Buick" is his excuse. But the GTO is in addition to his motorcycle and company truck.

I should add that he has paid "some" child support. He has NEVER paid what was fully expected of him. Boy was he upset when he found out how much his girls and I were entitled to! But weeks before our hearing (which I BEGGED my attorney to hurry up and get scheduled) he gets laid off...from a company run by his own brothers! Wouldn't you know???? So now he works for another company making far less.

In the last three months I have received 35 to 50% of money I am owed each month. He has received two tax returns (when we were still married) and has shared none of it with me. Since I was drop kicked out of our home, the stuff he has aquired, the money he has burned through would blow your mind! Flat screen TV's, the latest cell phones, some aquarium. Any furniture he didn't need was sold (and the money kept).

Now he's got this economic stimulus check coming and it is in the court documents that I get half. The lawyer and the courts say that everything is in the works for his pay to be garnished and I will get back payments for everything owed, but now that I read this thread I realize that I will probably not see a penny of any of it.

The thing is, when I first going through all this and was in total shock that my marriage was over. I was a stay at home mom who hadn't worked a steady job in 10 years. I decided that what I was going to do was take the girls to my parents, go back to school, living off of the child support and alimony in the meantime. Right now, I have no other income. I NEED that child support and alimony! I can't afford for this to be dragged through courts. I have to constantly badger him into paying. I have run out of gas twice in the last year. I'm living on pennies. I just don't know what I'm going to do if he just decides to stop paying.

I'm so mad at him. And it's so hard not to let the girls see what I really think of him. Oh, and he didn't come see him last visitation, and he's not taking them this summer either. Buying the latest toy is more important than saving for airfare. It's so late, I'm sure non of this makes sense. But thanks for letting me vent.

 

[disneydreamin247]

Oh my! First . These stories make me so mad. Who the heck raised the BOYS. I say boys because this is not the way men act. I swear if DS ever did this to a woman he would get a swift kick in his rear. I don't care how old he is, if you mistreat a woman you will pay for it!

MissParkAvenue, you may get your payments. My friend just finalized her divorce and she has been getting her payments. It took a while to get all of her situation ironed out (especially when her ex retired!) but everything has been in order for about a few weeks and her payments are coming through. Don't get too upset until you see what happens. And we are always here if you need to vent!

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Park Avenue-You may very well get your payments. My ex was a little shaky at first until the garnishment was set up. Then, like clockwork, I got my payments for the first 5-7 years. It was only then that he decided he had enough with paying child support and did the job merry go round and other games.

Not every state has the Eppicard. Right now it is: Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Mississippi, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah & Virginia. And even if you are in one of these states, if you get Direct Deposit of your child support/alimony (if you are going through probation), then they won't send you one.

Hang in there. The beginning is definitely the worst when emotions are running hot. Over time my bitterness definitely subsided, now I just feel sorry for my ex.

 

[disneydreamin247]

Here in NY you can request to keep receiving paper checks if you want. My friend did that because she doesn't want direct deposit and didn't like the card.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Here in NY you can request to keep receiving paper checks if you want. My friend did that because she doesn't want direct deposit and didn't like the card.

Here in NJ they are messed up. I HAD direct deposit and child support deleted my info and then sent me an eppicard. When I got it and called them, they said I'd have to reapply for direct deposit. WHAT??

I hate the Eppicard. I think it stinks that you get charged a fee if you make withdrawls over a certain # of times per month (I found this out the hard way). Then another time I got the email notification that I had funds, went to withdraw them and I got a fee saying I had insufficient funds. I tried the next day and got the money...but then noticed I was charged $2.50 from trying to get my money the day before unsuccessfully. At this point, the payments from my ex are so infrequent that I no longer have to worry about going over the # of withdrawls per month, so I guess that is a plus. I'd like to take whoever thought of the Eppicard and shove my card right up their backside. Nice system that takes bank fees from child support for single parents who are already dying for that money each week/month.

 

[disneydreamin247]

Here in NJ they are messed up. I HAD direct deposit and child support deleted my info and then sent me an eppicard. When I got it and called them, they said I'd have to reapply for direct deposit. WHAT??

I hate the Eppicard. I think it stinks that you get charged a fee if you make withdrawls over a certain # of times per month (I found this out the hard way). Then another time I got the email notification that I had funds, went to withdraw them and I got a fee saying I had insufficient funds. I tried the next day and got the money...but then noticed I was charged $2.50 from trying to get my money the day before unsuccessfully. At this point, the payments from my ex are so infrequent that I no longer have to worry about going over the # of withdrawls per month, so I guess that is a plus. I'd like to take whoever thought of the Eppicard and shove my card right up their backside. Nice system that takes bank fees from child support for single parents who are already dying for that money each week/month.

Go to a bank and get a cash advance. There's no fee . I work in a bank and most of the cash advances I process are support payments.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Go to a bank and get a cash advance. There's no fee . I work in a bank and most of the cash advances I process are support payments.

I did this once...took the teller nearly 25 minutes. After fingerprinting me, I was waiting for them to take a mugshot. I guess I'm lazy...I just want to be able to pull up to the ATM and get my cash and go. The ATM has its drawbacks too, fees aside, with only being able to withdraw in $20 increments. Gotta love that.

I hate that I have to go to Wachovia only-I tried using my Eppicard at a Commerce ATM and then an ATM at my local convenience store and it wouldn't work. I called up and was told I must use Wachovia. Now they may be a big bank elsewhere...but around here, they are the smallest hole in the wall bank and their service leaves a whole lot to be desired. When I do get payments anymore, I just wait a day or two past the email notification I get from Eppicard and I haven't had any fee issues since. I do hate leaving those few dollars in there though that don't tally up to an even $20.

 

[disneydreamin247]

Well if you're ever in Staten Island come on down to my branch and I'll gladly help you! I promise not to take 25 minutes! It shouldn't take longer than 5-10 minutes (unless I get my finger stuck in the card imprint machine again!).

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

Well if you're ever in Staten Island come on down to my branch and I'll gladly help you! I promise not to take 25 minutes! It shouldn't take longer than 5-10 minutes (unless I get my finger stuck in the card imprint machine again!).

Will do!

 

[polineedyan]

Ill tell you what. In divorce, there is "whats right" and there's "what IS." You will kill yourself banging your head about not seeing whats right, happen. Instead, youll find yourself dealing with "what IS." 10 years later, my dss's father still buys the latest and greatest things, tells them how great he is compared to us, etc..its all sick. But, we cant control any of that. We cant make people do what theyre supposed to. Even the courts cant. Your best bet is gonna be to just continue on as if he doesnt exist. Dont worry about what he has vs. what you have. Even if you feel the kids are entitled to something. Yes its wrong, and yes it hurts. Just take the kids in the direction you see fit, and let him go play..Sure, it would benefit them to have some money coming their way..But it would benefit them to have their father too, and he didnt think of that did he? Let him go. Dont even concern yourself. If the papers are in the works, that helps, but its no guarantee that he wont be a jerk anymore. He will be. Probably moreso once his wages are garnished. You have two kids to raise. S8rew him..

 

[glitzybabes]

Has anyone received the NCP's Stimulus check from CSE???

 

[disneydreamin247]

I have not. I did go down to court and file for a violation AND upward mod on Tuesday though. Monday after our court date (for visitation) he told someone he was going to lower the payments because he wasn't going to pay for a kid he doesn't see. I was livid! It's his own fault he can't see DS! No one told him to be a delinquent.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I don't think I'll be seeing one. As far as I know my ex hasn't had a job in years and therefore hasn't filed taxes.

 

[stego]

I almost believed it myself. I've read all the pages. I think in our society, it's ASSUMED the mother gets custody. I'd seen it with my mom with both of her marriages. I lived in it. To deal with it, my mom gave me a bright pink book: here it is, read it, deal with it. I never, ever wanted to share that pain with my own child. The whole gist of this thread is financial dependence on the non-custodial parent and I am here to tell you I had to let go of that and finally grow up. I had to deal with what was REALLY going on: raising a 15 month old little boy who looked at me like I was his whole world. How do I do that?!!! When I went to the playground on the weekends I was looked at as a "weekend father" when the truth was I was living that 24/7/365. I also had to deal with the loss of my relationship with the woman I loved. My extended family blamed me for everything. That first year was hell. I truly believed my ex was supposed to be financially responsible because everything else went to heck in a hand basket. What I did was I talked to a number of mentors and did the work and got on with my life. My ex-wife owns me thousands upon thousands of dollars in child support but I will never collect. I haven't seen her in over 8 years and quite frankly I don't ever expect to. I remember so many times robbing peter to pay paul to pay for daycare, to have money to treat us to mickey d's on saturday for the cheap value meal and a happy meal. As I reflect now, those times getting together with my friend who had a young son were some of my happier times in life. My living room furniture was basically toddler toys but I will state if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment. My son is now a teenager, I've remarried and I try to stay focused on being the right kind of parent my son deserves. We're met with all the challenges of the changes he's going through and more sooner than later he'll have some pointed questions about his "old mom" but I know I will be ready. It's been a long time since I have moved on from expecting my ex-wife to pay because "she's supposed to". As an alcoholic and drug addict she can't even function as a human being, let alone be responsible. I can just imagine how many times she's sat at a bar pounding on the table about what a POS I am in her high, drunken stupor. The right thing to do was to kneel at my son's bed each night and pray for her...yes even at 13 yo. I do it each night because it is the right thing to do. I can't change that "AMERICA" accepts that ALL MEN are deadbeats but I can change who I am and what kind of father I can be. So today I could truly care less about what people think about me and more what I think of myself.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I almost believed it myself. I've read all the pages. I think in our society, it's ASSUMED the mother gets custody. I'd seen it with my mom with both of her marriages. I lived in it. To deal with it, my mom gave me a bright pink book: here it is, read it, deal with it. I never, ever wanted to share that pain with my own child. The whole gist of this thread is financial dependence on the non-custodial parent and I am here to tell you I had to let go of that and finally grow up. I had to deal with what was REALLY going on: raising a 15 month old little boy who looked at me like I was his whole world. How do I do that?!!! When I went to the playground on the weekends I was looked at as a "weekend father" when the truth was I was living that 24/7/365. I also had to deal with the loss of my relationship with the woman I loved. My extended family blamed me for everything. That first year was hell. I truly believed my ex was supposed to be financially responsible because everything else went to heck in a hand basket. What I did was I talked to a number of mentors and did the work and got on with my life. My ex-wife owns me thousands upon thousands of dollars in child support but I will never collect. I haven't seen her in over 8 years and quite frankly I don't ever expect to. I remember so many times robbing peter to pay paul to pay for daycare, to have money to treat us to mickey d's on saturday for the cheap value meal and a happy meal. As I reflect now, those times getting together with my friend who had a young son were some of my happier times in life. My living room furniture was basically toddler toys but I will state if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment. My son is now a teenager, I've remarried and I try to stay focused on being the right kind of parent my son deserves. We're met with all the challenges of the changes he's going through and more sooner than later he'll have some pointed questions about his "old mom" but I know I will be ready. It's been a long time since I have moved on from expecting my ex-wife to pay because "she's supposed to". As an alcoholic and drug addict she can't even function as a human being, let alone be responsible. I can just imagine how many times she's sat at a bar pounding on the table about what a POS I am in her high, drunken stupor. The right thing to do was to kneel at my son's bed each night and pray for her...yes even at 13 yo. I do it each night because it is the right thing to do. I can't change that "AMERICA" accepts that ALL MEN are deadbeats but I can change who I am and what kind of father I can be. So today I could truly care less about what people think about me and more what I think of myself.

I'm glad you've been able to move on and forgive your ex-wife for not owning up to her responsibilities as a parent. Maybe that makes you a better person than most of us here because of that fact-but that's subjective IMO. I guess it all depends on your point of view. I think ANY NCP that doesn't support thier child (man or woman) is a deadbeat-and I DO know a woman deadbeat and I have zero respect for her and nothing to do with her. But that is another story unto itself and not mine to share.

I've let the ex off the hook to the tune of thousands in hopes he would use the opportunity to get his life together, but you can only do so much to help someone. If wiping the slate clean numerous times doesn't help a person get their life together, I'm not sure what will. It's not the kids fault that he CHOOSES to be a loser or a drug addict and alcoholic, and yes, I view it as a choice-not an excuse. He's not disappointing me or hurting me...I don't depend on his support to live at all, but it would be nice if his kids had something there when they get older. It would be nice if the kids could have turned around and said, "My dad helped me get my first car" or "My dad bought me my prom gown" or "I was able to go to college because of my dad's help". It would even be nice if they could say, "I'm where I am today because of the love and support of my dad". My kids can't say any of those things.

My kids are nearly grown and they have no intention of letting dad off the hook. Yes, they are bitter and they expect him to live up to his moral and financial obligation. I haven't slacked off all these years, but if I did I'd expect them to have issues with me. I do pray for my ex...its funny you mention this because my kids brought up my ex-husband last night in the context of wishing him death and I told them that it wasn't right to say that-that even though I don't like their father, I do not wish that on anyone, that I pray he gets his life together. I feel sorry for him. I've had the joy of being the one to tuck them in all these years, experience losing their first tooth, first days of school, first dates, proms, driving and now graduation. I think its sad that he's missed all that. He missed it not because of money...he missed it because he just wasn't grown up enough to be a parent. He was totally allowed to be a parent without paying for years and years...so I think your wrong in saying its all about financial dependence, that's a broad generatlization of this thread.

Obviously you are in a better place in your life and I applaud that. You've been able to experience the same joys I have as a parent and there's nothing better than that. I definitely would not change anything on my end either-it was all worth it and still is.

 

[livie1205]

I have to file on monday for enforcement of child support...my ex is 6,057 behind in his support!He got behind 6,000 then I told him I would work out a agreement so I had a lawyer right up something saying he could pay 3,000 and then I would cut the payments in half if he would agree to rotate tax credit yrs, allow my son to get therapy (needs it) and I would even continue paying health care (he is court ordered to but i have been) I gave him 3 months he would not sign it. He payed 3,000 and then has only paid half support since so now he owes it ALL..... He has not paid at all this month! He has a new sports car, renovated his house and has started a buisness (along with other job) but CANT PAY SUPPORT?

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I thought I'd pop in a post a little update on my own situation. My ex has started paying support now semi-regularly. Once a month for the past two months he makes 2 weeks worth of payments. I talked to the child support office and apparently someone was nice enough to tell him if he makes ONE payment (doesn't matter how much) every four weeks, he will not have a sheriffs warrant issued for him. I'm glad to be getting some money, but irritated that they actually tell him how to work the system. Oh well, not much I can do. Thankfully DS and DD have benefitted from the incoming money. I have deposited it into their bank accounts evenly. DS is saving for his car insurance and DD is just saving, no actual plan fot the money just yet.

Other than the child support payments, there has been no contact from my ex. I thought that a bit strange since that is not his normal MO, but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop since he never pays without expecting something in return. We were relieved though that my ex did not show up at DD's graduation ceremony, which she was very worried about.

On another note, DS was at work last week and he ran into his aunt, my ex's sister. He had near meltdown as she took the opportunity to question DS about everything. She asked him if he knew why he hadn't seen his father and did he miss him. Now is it me or do you think that was not her place to ask? I'm a bit miffed. Anyway, DS said yes he knows why he hasn't seen his father and no, he did not miss him. He even went so far as to tell his aunt that he'd appreciate it if she didn't mention seeing him or where he worked. I sincerely doubt she'll honor that request, but we can't control that. DS was really rattled by that encounter and called me 4 times during his 4 hour shift that night-he was petrified his father would show up. I should also add that DS purposely found a job about 20 miles away (and about 40 miles away from his dad) specifically to avoid running into that side of the family. So far there have been no encounters with his father showing up, but DS is very upset to the point of talking about finding another place to work. I'd hate to see him leave his job as he is making good money and is doing really well, but I understand how he feels and will support him no matter what he chooses to do. I told him that if his father does show up, tell him that he can get fired for having family come in (which is true, if we go to his job, we cannot have him wait on us because that is grounds for dismissal) and tell him simply not to bother him at his place of employment. I guess really we're dealing with the hypothetical right now, but I don't know what else I can do to make DS feel better about the situation. Any advice?

 

[disneydreamin247]

That's a rough situation. It's just awful that his sister managed to run into him at his job. She had no right to interrogate him at all and I would be annoyed at that also. It would be a shame for him to quit just because of his "father". I would tell him that he's old enough to start living his life for himself and that perhaps he can discuss with his boss the off chance that his dad should come in. Maybe the boss would be able to step in and help your DS avoid and uncomfortable situation?


On my side of things...my donor had the audacity to have me served papers AT MY JOB! Ugh. I was livid. Then I find out that his mom is telling people they did it to embarrass me! If anyone should be embarrassed it's him! At least I have a job to go to. He served me papers to lower the c/s payments...now that is embarrassing. These people just make me so angry. There's no common sense with them.

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

He had near meltdown as she took the opportunity to question DS about everything. She asked him if he knew why he hadn't seen his father and did he miss him. Now is it me or do you think that was not her place to ask?

It absolutely was not her place. My ex-sil does that, questions my 11 year old on why she hasn't talked to her dad. I'm sorry, HE left... it's HIS place to contact her.

I'm so sorry your son is dealing with this.