Could you give your Mother's eulogy? Update - post #51

[tar heel]

I would welcome the opportunity to write it but wouldn't want to deliver it although I might change my mind down the road. I wrote my mother-in-law's obituary and will likely write my father-in-law's and my parents' because I want them to have special care instead of being thrown together by the funeral home.

 

[magicgirl]

My mother died last year very unexpectedly. My father wrote the main eulegy. I wrote one on behalf of my sister and myself, my Son decided just to talk and see what would happen and my Daughter and Niece read a poem between them. My original intention was for the Vicar (Minister) to read my speech. The day before the funneral I decided that I wanted to try and speak and was concerned that I would regret not attempting to. The night before we took up copies of the speechs for the Vicar and I told hom I was going to have a go, he reassured me that he would take over if I was unable to continue.

On the morming I was still unsure. At the service my wonderful son spoke first, we laughed and cried and laughed again. My Father then spoke gathering strength from his Grandson's example. I then decided that I couldn't let my Mother down and stood up to speak. Starting was the hardest part and I kept it together until the last line. I am so glad I found the strength to do it.

The service over ran but we had so many people tells on anthe day and afterwards how much they enjoyed listening to our family insights about our Mother. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

 

[SpecialK]

I'm sorry for your loss. I couldn't speak at either of my parents' masses. I can control my emotions as long as I don't have to speak. Only you know if you have the strength to do it. Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I'll likely have to, whether I want to or not. I'm an only child. My grandfather passed not too long ago and my mom couldn't handle a eulogy (she's also an only), so I did that. I think I'll be able to separate myself and get the job done.

 

[happygirl]

I don't think I could do that. I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[bumbershoot]

I couldn't have done it. Though it might have taken my mind off of the murderous thoughts towards the pastor, who met my mom once, didn't know me or my brother, and was saying things that were in line with HIS way of thinking, but my MOM would have quit that church (they'd newly joined just b/c she was diagnosed) if she'd known what he was going to say...

Other than that I was too busy crying.

The day before, when planning who would speak, she realized that her mom's friends were speaking about her as a friend and her pastors were speaking about her as a Christian and life-long member of their church, but no one was speaking about her "as a mom".

We were so lucky that an old friend of my mom did her eulogy. She met her when they were in La Leche League and then Montessori, so she was my mom's friend, but also knew her as a mother. It was the absolute best of all worlds. My sister in law, who is normally a very composed and even-keeled person, still cannot think of Marilyn (the friend who spoke) without tearing up, and refuses to let people talk about the service, it affected her so much.

 

[Metsfan520]

OP, I am sorry for your loss. I didn't speak at my mom's service, but we kids did talk at her wake. We did it youngest to oldest, so I was next to last. I ended up being the comic relief, since I told some funny stories about my mom, and it ended up being easier than I thought.

I see you mentioned a "mass". I'm not sure if this applies..but my dad died in November. He was Roman Catholic.
We were told that there was to be no eulogy during the mass. There were two of us that did a reading..but no eulogy. They indicated they didn't have time for it during the mass. I thought it was odd, as I'm not a Catholic (Presbyterian)...but I did also hear from other Catholic relatives, that they have been told the same thing. I don't know if that's a change in policy or
if it's left to the discretion of the parish..but just wanted to mention it.
We were encouraged to speak during the wake.
I know in our church, Eulogies are permitted, and encouraged during a memorial service. I simply see you mentioned "mass"..and thought I'd tell you our experience in that regard was different.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Each church may be different. When my mom died, my dad did a eulogy. He did it right before the end of the Mass. But the priest was my uncle (mom's brother), and he had no problem with it.

 

[starrzone]

First of all, on the loss of your mother.

Second of all, I think that this is a very personal issue, so it's hard to say whether or not I could do this. I DO know that my father did a wonderful job with his mother's (my grandmother's) eulogy last May. There are 5 boys in the family; I don't know how they decided on my father, other than the fact that he does speak in public often. He started out with a bit about my grandmother when she was growing up, and then a bit about her life before and after she got married. He even threw a joke or two in, which was very appropriate if you knew Grammie . The service was non-denominational and held in the funeral home chapel, although there was a preist there who played the fiddle (Grammie's late husband was a fiddle player), and a minister performed the service.

Hope that helps...I know this isn't an easy decision, especially in familes with multiple siblings. Good luck at this diffucult time .

 

[4greatboys]

So sorry for your loss. No I was not able to speak at my moms. I think it is awesome that some people can but I just couldn't.

 

[shortbun]

The only time I've seen this done was when 3 brothers each eulogized their dad. They all cried like babies through it. It was enough to convince my siblings and me NOT to eulogize our parents so we had our minister do it with tid bits and help from us. Both eulogies were marvelous, warm and tender. So sorry for the loss you are experiencing. My Mom died nearly a year ago and I was feeling fresh pain today. You learn to live with it but you never lose it. Peace.

 

[MIGrandma]

No, I could not.

I know I could not have done it for my Dad. I am too emotional, and I hate crying in front of people so it would have been too hard to get through.

My best friend did it for her Dad and I didn't see how she could do it with a dry eye.

 

[a1tinkfans]

My Mom passed away last week & we'll have her Memorial Mass in 12 days. None of my 7 siblings are willing to do the eulogy. My oldest sister-in-law has offered to read what we write. Her DS has said he'll also read. (My oldest DS and another nephew want to speak, but not give the actual eulogy.)

I've been thinking that I could actually get up at my Church and do this. Since she lived with DH & I for the past 9 years & I have spent the most time with her, that I'm the logical choice.

I guess I want to hear from anyone who has done this, and gotten through it. And from people who have been to funerals where the speaker either got through it or fell apart. I need to know the pros & cons. I think I can do it as a last way to honor her.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I was unable to do it. I hardly made it thru the church that day....I don't regret that decision, I simply could not even function and I knew it... it was awful..........my brother spoke (and some other people as well) and he was also the one to stay with mom when we had to make the gut wrenching final decision to stop outside mechanical breathing and let her go.....
he was amazingly strong for all of us, a great little brother!

 

[pooh4evr]

i gave my Grandpa's a couple of weeks ago because no one else could-- and FWIW we are also ROman Catholic and had a full mass - the eulogy was just after communion.

 

[suzannews]

So sorry for your loss. I gave the eulogy at my Mother's service. No one else thought they could and I was determined to do it. I'm so glad I did.

 

[JESW]

No, I doubt that I could give it at anyone's funeral. It is not that I wouldn't want to, but when I get very upset I lose my voice!

I am sorry for your loss...

Jill

 

[TimeforMe]

My sympathies to you and your family. Hang in there. First, when I lost my mom, she did not have a eulogy. To this day, I regret it as she was such a beautiful, caring person she certainly deserved it. I just couldn't do it at the time--way too emotional.

My youngest brother passed away this past August after a tragic car accident. He had lost his youngest son the summer before, so in less than a year we were at the same funeral parlor, pastor, etc. I was determined to eulogize him if it took my last ounce of strength, which it pretty much did. I wrote out what I wanted to say, took a deep breath and remembered why I was doing it--for my brother's memory. It worked. I choked up once or twice but for the most part got it out clear and concise. Do it--God will give you strength.

As far eulogies in the Catholic church, when my DMIL passed away 2 years ago, the Church would not let us do a eulogy in church and if we did, it had to be related to religion. We opted to do it at the luncheon afterwards.

Good luck and May God give you the strength you need during this difficult time.

 

[minniecarousel]

OP here - after meeting with the Priest and the coordinator of Funerals, I've decided that I can handle a very short (2-3 mins) talk. The priest had never met my Mom (he is relatively new to our Parish) & we gave him some basics about our Mom to say during his homily. We're to keep our speakers to 2 or 3 & just a few minutes each of prepared words. I think I can do it.

I think because this is the church that I have worshipped at for 25 years, that I'm comfortable enough to do it. (we'll see!) It's funny, the non-Church-going sister was very teary-eyed even talking about Mom, but I guess I'm more at peace about it all than her. Of course, I had the priveledge of having Mom in my home for the past 9 years. No one else in the family had that much time with her. I'm so glad I did!

Thanks for the insights!

 

[mking624]

My grandfather passed away 6 years ago and I asked to do the eulogy. He and I were very close...to the point he'd actually introduce me as his daughter (my mom was a single parent until I was 7 and he babysat me while she worked so I was definitely attached to him). It was a VERY difficult thing to do, but I am SO glad I did it. It was a struggle to get through, but I'm glad I was able to honor him in that way.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

 

[Disney Doll]

I see you mentioned a "mass". I'm not sure if this applies..but my dad died in November. He was Roman Catholic.
We were told that there was to be no eulogy during the mass. There were two of us that did a reading..but no eulogy. They indicated they didn't have time for it during the mass. I thought it was odd, as I'm not a Catholic (Presbyterian)...but I did also hear from other Catholic relatives, that they have been told the same thing. I don't know if that's a change in policy or
if it's left to the discretion of the parish..but just wanted to mention it.
We were encouraged to speak during the wake.
I know in our church, Eulogies are permitted, and encouraged during a memorial service. I simply see you mentioned "mass"..and thought I'd tell you our experience in that regard was different.

I'm sorry for your loss.

That might be a regional or even church specific thing. I have herd eulogies at every Catholic funeral I've been to in my area.

 

[antmaril]

I am very sorry for your loss.

When my parents died (Mom in 1982 and Dad in 2002), I did not speak at their funerals. I always regretted it. When my husband passed away in 2008, I decided I wasn't going to make that mistake again and gave his eulogy. I have had a life long fear of public speaking, but I was very calm and found a strength I didn't know I had. I am very glad that I was able to do it and my family and friends were proud of me.