Could Use Some Positive Thoughts

[BeachGirlFLA]

I feel like everything is falling apart right now. I had a miscarriage about two weeks ago at 4 months (I didn't know I was pregnant), my job is okay but it's in an industry that's having problems right now (what industry isn't, right?) and I just found out that my roommate got engaged to his girlfriend this weekend. I'm not interested in him romantically and I couldn't care less who he marries (although the fact that she doesn't love his dogs and has faked it may present some problems when they get married....not my place to say anything) but right now my favorite of the two dogs is serving as the best therapy I could get after the miscarriage. My roommate says nothing is going to change right away (and who knows if she'll be able to find a job down here anyway...he has a business here, so it's not like he's going to move up to her area) and no matter what, I'll always be able to visit the dogs (I told him congratulations and when he said thank you, we're really excited I said "I bet you are I'll miss Hurley, though") but just the thought of being separated from Hurley is breaking my heart and it feels like all the tears that haven't been shed over the past couple of weeks are being shed right now. I know I shouldn't have gotten attached to someone else's dog but I couldn't help it. And to top it off, my boyfriend is up in North Carolina visiting his brother (and no matter how much I needed his shoulder to cry on after the miscarriage, I didn't think I had a right to ask him to stay home.)

 

[ontariomonkey]

I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time! Even though you didn't know you were pregnant, losing a baby is very difficult. Also your hormones may still be going berserk so be extra kind to yourself.

You will really miss Hurley, no doubt about it but as with every loss, it will get easier with time, and you can still visit right? Is it feasible to get a pet of your own?

Try to care for yourself in the ways that you CAN control like eating healthy, getting enough rest, exercise and sunshine. This can only help.

PS I actually do think that you had the right to ask your boyfriend to stay home if you needed comfort after the miscarriage. Make sure to tell him that you need some extra TLC when he gets back.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss..

Once the other dogs are gone, could you get a dog of your own? A nice cuddly, little puppy?

I wish there was something I could tell you to make you feel better, but after your loss I'm sure it just seems like "words".. Hang in there..

 

[minkydog]

Aww, hunny, don't be so hard on yourself. you've recently gone through a very traumatic event and it takes longer than 2 weeks to get yourself together after a miscarriage, even when you didn't know you were pregnant. It might take you several months to feel like things are back to sorta normal again. Your feelings might be on a roller coaster for a few weeks or even months. (at least, that was my experience when I lost my baby at 16wks.)

I think you're getting ahead of yourself about Hurley. You're anticipating--and grieving-- an event that may or may NOT happen. Right now you have no evidence that Hurley will be leaving. At least not in the next week or two. It's very easy for us to project too far into the future, trying to predict how we will feel about something. But we really can't know how we will feel, just like we can't really know how a situation is going to play out. We just have to experience our feelings as the event happens and not one second before.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't look so far into the future right now. You're grief is so fresh. Just enjoy Hurley *today*. And when you wake up enjoy Hurley *tomorrow* etc, etc,etc. Refuse to go to that place where the roommate goes away, Hurley goes away, the baby goes, everybody goes, and on and on. It's how our minds work, but it's not very helpful. We can get really depressed grieving our "what ifs".

And call your BF and let him know how you're feeling. I bet if he knew how distressed you are he would have made arrangements to go to NC at another time. It's okay to tell him how you feel, you don't have to go it alone.

BTW--aren't dogs wonderful therapists? When I lost my baby I felt like my only friend was my little Boston Terrier, Pops. He accompanied me on long walks where I would walk awhile and cry awhile. He never said "get over it" and he never sighed or rolled his eyes. He never acted like he was tired of he whole bit. Pops was so soothing to me. I know this must be what Hurley means to you. It really is a gift, isn't it

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Thanks...and yes, Minkydog. That's exactly the kind of therapy Hurley is giving me. I can cry in his fur without him wanting to walk away or feeling like I shouldn't be sad and I know he loves me. That means a lot to me right now. I'll do my best to enjoy whatever time I have with him and not think about the possibility of losing him. I have to admit that my first instinct was to just close myself off to him right now so it wouldn't hurt when/if I have to let go.
My mom called me right in the middle of my falling apart. I didn't call her back (my phone didn't ring but it let me know that I have a voice mail.) I realized that I couldn't put on a happy face (or happy voice) for her right now and I made my decision two weeks ago to not cry on her shoulder.

 

[minkydog]

.
My mom called me right in the middle of my falling apart. I didn't call her back (my phone didn't ring but it let me know that I have a voice mail.) I realized that I couldn't put on a happy face (or happy voice) for her right now and I made my decision two weeks ago to not cry on her shoulder.

Do you mind if I ask, are you not telling your mom because you don't want to talk to her or is it because you're trying to protect her? Because I can tell you, as a mother, I would want my daughter to share this with me. When I had my miscarriage I didn't want to talk to my mother either, but it wasn't because I was protecting her. My mother can make me feel like a complete failure on a good day--I sure as heck didn't need that. But if you and your mom have a good relationship, I wish you'd reconsider talking to her. I think she probably knows something is up. I bet you'd feel better after to talk to your mom.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I'm trying to protect her...and my dad is like you describe your mom. I don't want to end up with him making me feel even worse than I already do, either.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Interestingly enough, I think it's my aunt (my dad's sister) that suspects that something is wrong. I posted on Facebook yesterday (something about a disappointment but just being glad to be alive - before I knew about my roommate's engagement and was worried about losing Hurley....I'm still thankful to be alive for the most part but not as optimistic as I was when I made the post) and she replied to it this morning saying that she hasn't seen me on there much lately and that she was worried about me (and telling me to keep in touch.) It was her daughter that I told about what happened but I know my cousin well enough to know she can keep secrets when she's asked to so it must just be my aunt's intuition.

 

[Normangirls]

No advice, but here's those good thoughts and prayers...






(O.K., one little piece of advice -- a miscarriage can be hard on you physically, especially the hormone thing, so take care of yourself, eat well, and get your rest.)

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I'm probably not eating the best since I have no appetite - I'm trying to do better but I'm eating about one meal a day....but I'm getting rest....I fell asleep this morning cuddling on the couch with Hurley (he's not supposed to be on the couch according to my roommate's rules, but I needed to cuddle with him - and believe it or not he's smart enough to not get up there when my roommate is around.)

 

[mickeyboat]

Do you have anyone other than your boyfriend to talk to and hang around with? I know you don't want to lean on your mom, but you need to lean on someone.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you are facing a little depression. Maybe another visit to your doctor is in order. Being only two weeks away from your miscarriage, your body is still dealing with hormones. I know you will miss that dog, but I think your reaction is a little over the top (since you don't know when or if you won't be able to see him anymore). You might need to talk to someone or get some meds to help you get through.

Denae

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Do you have anyone other than your boyfriend to talk to and hang around with? I know you don't want to lean on your mom, but you need to lean on someone.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you are facing a little depression. Maybe another visit to your doctor is in order. Being only two weeks away from your miscarriage, your body is still dealing with hormones. I know you will miss that dog, but I think your reaction is a little over the top (since you don't know when or if you won't be able to see him anymore). You might need to talk to someone or get some meds to help you get through.

Denae

I'm not going to be one of those people who goes off on someone who suggests they need to talk to a doctor. In this case, I think you're probably right about the depression. As far as having someone local to talk to, not really. I have a couple of family members that I've told but they're not in Florida. Honestly, I haven't cried on anyone's shoulder yet. I've just held in the tears when anyone was around (other than my boyfriend when he took me home from the hospital.)
I am doing better with the dog issue today because I took Minky's advice about just enjoying what time I do have with him and we've been doing a lot of snuggling today (and my roommate was out of state this weekend but was going to pick the dogs up after lunch time....I told him Hurley "said" he wanted to stay with me for the rest of the day when I sent him a message about an hour ago. Normally, I wouldn't have said anything but I wanted him here and I asked for what I wanted - and I got it.)

 

[minkydog]

Well, they say if you ask for nothing you'll probably get it. I hope your roommate will be understanding about your need to keep Hurley near you for the time being. It sounds like he's just the right kind of medicine.

I would also second the suggestion to see a therapist or other counselor to talk about your grief. There's a saying: grieve it now or grieve it later. In other words, the feelings don't go away magically. If we don't get them out and process how we feel, the feelings just ferment inside until they become overwhelming. After I had my miscarriage I thought I could just handle it. Bad idea. I didn't have anyone to talk to(my not-so-DH didn't want to hear about it anymore.) I became very depressed and my doctor was the one who pushed me to see someone. I went to a Licensed social worker for about 4 months until I got on my feet emotionally. It was money and time well spent.