Convincing Travel-Haters / Need to Vent

[not_Joanna_eggs]

Okay, so this will be long, but I need to vent, and hope that you will be able to offer me advice or at least a sympathetic ear.

So Friday we officially got engaged We've been planing, and talking for a while, but now the ring is on my finger... and we told our parents we're engaged and about our plans for a DFTW.

As expected, my parents were thrilled, and though their first reaction to DFTW was to laugh, they were quickly on board, and helping me make plans and pick a date.

DF's family we knew would be a bit trickier. They (okay - his mom) hates to travel - and likes to be the center of attention (think 4 year old throwing a tantrum.) She's throwing a stink about DF's brother's wedding which is taking place at a resort about 2 hrs away from their house. So we knew we would have to really sell our destination wedding. And in fact, this is one of the reasons we chose Disney - it sells itself. So we carefully broached the subject of wanting to get married in Disney in January of '10 (18 months away mind you) and how it was important to us that they were there, and that we really love WDW, and don't want a huge 400 person wedding, which is what it would easily be if we had an at home wedding, due to my very large extended family.

Her first response was "You know I don't like to fly" (she's never been on a plane) We talked to her, and explained that the media sensationalizes the fees and flight cuts, and that it's really safe and fun. Even added that it's only a 20 hr. car ride, and since we're not getting married until a Monday, they could easily drive down on the weekend. When we left Saturday, she seemed open to the idea, and we were optimistic.

Well, DF just called and she apparently called him this morning, just totally yelling at him for even concidering going so far away, and he knows she bruised her tailbone and can't sit too long (again 18 months away) and that her parents are soooo old (they're in their 70s) and this and that. And basically said "well if you want to do it in WDW, that's fine, we don't have to come"

Not come to your own son's wedding? Because of a 3 hr. plane ride? I think it's so that I can be the big bad b**** that makes her miss her son's wedding, because she thinks it's all my idea. None of this would be too suprising or horrible, if last year they didn't take a 14 hr. train ride (each way) to North Dakota to go to DF's childhood friend's wedding.

She has never liked me, and I do feel like this is a personal attack on me, especially since she waited until she knew he'd be alone (at work) to call him and tell him this (and talk some trash about me) I feel bad because DF is stuck in the middle, and I don't want him to be, I really thought that this was a good solution. I keep telling him that we can do an at home wedding (shivers) and honeymoon in WDW, but he really wants the DFTW too. But he also wants his parents there. He's just sort of stuck in the middle.

She keeps bringing up things about her, like why are we doing this to her and she doesn't like this and that and all that jazz. I want to scream that this isn't her wedding, it's not about her, all she has to do is show up and grow up. But I know that would just make the situation worse.

He keeps telling me that we have 18 months until the wedding, and a lot can change in that time - and I totally agree. I just wish that there was something I could do to convince her that we're doing this because it's what will make us happy, not becuase we're trying to make her miserable. She's making me feel like I'm being selfish for wanting a small DFTW instead of a big at-home affair. But originally we chose WDW because we thought we'd be able to convince her to go!

We're already started talking about 'breaking points' dates and actions that will warrent decisions to be made, but I feel like this whole thing is going to throw everything off and make me feel so behind, because I basically have to start planning 2 weddings, and then see which one we end up with. I'm trying to be understanding, I do know that his mother is crazy, and immature. It's not the first time that she's pulled something like this, but sill me, I though that she'd at least be happy about her son getting married. I don't want to show DF how frustrated I am, because I know that he feels crappy about it too, but the same time I want to go over there and punch her in the face for doing this to us.

Okay, if anyone is still reading, thank you for letting me vent! I'm sorry it went so long - I guess I'm even more frustrated than I thought. I've been engaged like 3 days, and already I'm feeling a bridezilla moment coming on - this can't be good!

 

[Promomx2]

I'm soo sorry that fmil is being difficult for you. Just remember it's YOUR wedding. And you don't want to look back and think "I'd wish we'd done that instead of that" Don't know if anyone in your famliy that is going is good of the computer but suggestion: get a webcam set up and then she could at least watch it from home.

Best of luck to you.

 

[mickeymom923]

Hopefully she'll come around.

I have a somewhat similar problem concerning family. We're getting married on the Wonder in May. My only brother said his wife won't go because she doesn't want to do a cruise with a bunch of little kids. She said I should send her pictures. His son, my nephew, who is a big Disney Nut said that my wedding on DCL was "interferring" with his other vacation plans (that wasn't planned yet) so they probably wouldn't be there. Yet friends from the DISboards told me they would be there and didn't hesitate to say yes. The Jewish guilt - I told my nephew no problem if he didn't come, I'd just have to find someone else instead of his 2 year old to be the flower girl. Now he's thinking about it. To be honest, it took me one week for the anger and hurt to subside and now I don't want them there if they feel like they have to come because they'll hate it and ruin my day for me. Of course, I want them there but only because they are happy for me and want to come to my wedding.

Why does something that should be so happy cause so much aggravation?


Bev

 

[tinkerlisa]

I am having the same problem! Its gets messed up though. So we told our family that we are having our wedding at Disney. We got the usual ha ha yeah rights...then they were supportive when we said we are serious. DF's Sister will not fly. Because of 9/11. that and she is nuts. she said that our wedding date was evil(9/9/09). and that its not really 666 that evil but 999. and because of that she probably will not go...she is a nut!!! Then my mom who was so happy cuz she has never been on a vacation anywhere in her life, was all for going. Then on Friday AFTER i signed my contract WITH PAYMENT says, I think you should have a BIG wedding up here. I said thats not what i want. I have always wanted a small wedding. we can barely afford to do Disney I said to her. And besides its more expensive to do it up here than down there. She said well we could do it at your grandfathers. I was like yeah ok like my DF's family will feel comfortable with our millions of family members and besides we already signed our contract.
i could tell she was real angry but its not HER day. Its MINE!!!!! She likes to be the center of attention and she is mad that she won't get any. So if she doesn't go I think of it as Oh well. i know it sounds terrible because she is my mother but she needs to deal with it. as for my future sister in law, she is crazy.

 

[lurkyloo]

Hmmm... I think it's about time we reintroduced CarynDisneyDiva's patented Disney Hater Blockers:

http://www.disboards.com/showpost.php?p=24084119&postcount=54

Just slap those babies on and plan away....

 

[tinkerlisa]

That was great! Thanks Lurky!!!

 

[2002Disneybride]

I went through this same thing. In fact my MIL sounds just like yours, making me believe that my theory that they all go to the same MIL school true! Anyway, if we could have left them home we would have. DH finally saw what a nutjob she was and stopped speaking to her. Of course, lucky for me, I still have the wedding pictures of her draped all over him...yep, they are something. She told me she didn't want to show me up at my own wedding and be prettier...yep, she actually said that.
There are sane MIL's out there---we just didn't get them--I have two sons, 1 and 4 and you can bet that I will NOT be that kind of MIL--but they better get married at Disney or Else! hahaha

 

[Donald'sGirl]

What is with DM and FMIL's !! They are crazy!!

Listen to your heart and do what you want to do! IT IS YOUR WEDDING!!!! I told everyone it is my dream to have my wedding at WDW and I am going to do it with or without you! My mother was shocked that I wasn't inviting any of my aunts or uncles and said and I quote "If you don't invite them, then I am not going!" so I said ok. I told her it is my wedding and I want a very small one and if you want to be there then fine and if you don't fine. You can watch the video later! Well she talked to some of my aunts later in the week and they were all like that's fine, I completley understand, she should have what she wants its her wedding so now she is completley on board and is very excited about it. Just lay down the law and don't put up with the childish behavior.

 

[beachprincess23]

Okay, so this will be long, but I need to vent, and hope that you will be able to offer me advice or at least a sympathetic ear.

So Friday we officially got engaged We've been planing, and talking for a while, but now the ring is on my finger... and we told our parents we're engaged and about our plans for a DFTW.

As expected, my parents were thrilled, and though their first reaction to DFTW was to laugh, they were quickly on board, and helping me make plans and pick a date.

DF's family we knew would be a bit trickier. They (okay - his mom) hates to travel - and likes to be the center of attention (think 4 year old throwing a tantrum.) She's throwing a stink about DF's brother's wedding which is taking place at a resort about 2 hrs away from their house. So we knew we would have to really sell our destination wedding. And in fact, this is one of the reasons we chose Disney - it sells itself. So we carefully broached the subject of wanting to get married in Disney in January of '10 (18 months away mind you) and how it was important to us that they were there, and that we really love WDW, and don't want a huge 400 person wedding, which is what it would easily be if we had an at home wedding, due to my very large extended family.

Her first response was "You know I don't like to fly" (she's never been on a plane) We talked to her, and explained that the media sensationalizes the fees and flight cuts, and that it's really safe and fun. Even added that it's only a 20 hr. car ride, and since we're not getting married until a Monday, they could easily drive down on the weekend. When we left Saturday, she seemed open to the idea, and we were optimistic.

Well, DF just called and she apparently called him this morning, just totally yelling at him for even concidering going so far away, and he knows she bruised her tailbone and can't sit too long (again 18 months away) and that her parents are soooo old (they're in their 70s) and this and that. And basically said "well if you want to do it in WDW, that's fine, we don't have to come"

Not come to your own son's wedding? Because of a 3 hr. plane ride? I think it's so that I can be the big bad b**** that makes her miss her son's wedding, because she thinks it's all my idea. None of this would be too suprising or horrible, if last year they didn't take a 14 hr. train ride (each way) to North Dakota to go to DF's childhood friend's wedding.

She has never liked me, and I do feel like this is a personal attack on me, especially since she waited until she knew he'd be alone (at work) to call him and tell him this (and talk some trash about me) I feel bad because DF is stuck in the middle, and I don't want him to be, I really thought that this was a good solution. I keep telling him that we can do an at home wedding (shivers) and honeymoon in WDW, but he really wants the DFTW too. But he also wants his parents there. He's just sort of stuck in the middle.

She keeps bringing up things about her, like why are we doing this to her and she doesn't like this and that and all that jazz. I want to scream that this isn't her wedding, it's not about her, all she has to do is show up and grow up. But I know that would just make the situation worse.

He keeps telling me that we have 18 months until the wedding, and a lot can change in that time - and I totally agree. I just wish that there was something I could do to convince her that we're doing this because it's what will make us happy, not becuase we're trying to make her miserable. She's making me feel like I'm being selfish for wanting a small DFTW instead of a big at-home affair. But originally we chose WDW because we thought we'd be able to convince her to go!

We're already started talking about 'breaking points' dates and actions that will warrent decisions to be made, but I feel like this whole thing is going to throw everything off and make me feel so behind, because I basically have to start planning 2 weddings, and then see which one we end up with. I'm trying to be understanding, I do know that his mother is crazy, and immature. It's not the first time that she's pulled something like this, but sill me, I though that she'd at least be happy about her son getting married. I don't want to show DF how frustrated I am, because I know that he feels crappy about it too, but the same time I want to go over there and punch her in the face for doing this to us.

Okay, if anyone is still reading, thank you for letting me vent! I'm sorry it went so long - I guess I'm even more frustrated than I thought. I've been engaged like 3 days, and already I'm feeling a bridezilla moment coming on - this can't be good!

I can totally relate to you. I know it's mean to say, but I'm kinda done caring about those who don't want to come and share in our special day, no matter if they are DH's parents. I'm so fed up with what they are contributing I am just finished....and if they think they are getting a copy of our DVD or parent album they are highly mistaken, unless they'd like to pay for it out of their own pocket.

No one can predict how she will feel in Jan '10 (which is when our wedding is btw, yay!)...she shouldn't want to miss it and like you said, she can always drive. Heck if she has a bad back or whatever it is tell her to leave Friday and make tons of stops. But I know EXACTLY how you feel...to make you special day about THEM, it's not right.

 

[bridetobe789]

I'm sooo sorry to hear that!! Congratulations first of all on your engagement... maybe it'll help to vent some good stuff on how that all went down! lol! So about the FMIL .. .wow .. I think that it sounds like you and your df are on board with what you guys want and that is really what counts.. surely she is just trying to be stubborn and trying to get her way but really seriously do you think she would miss her son's wedding? That would be some crap!! I hope it all works out .. at this point you have six months to definitely let her straighten out hopefully... until you have to book!! Good luck with everything!! I hope it gets better!

 

[EpcotSweetHrts0512]

What is it with MILs??? Mine told us that she probably wouldn't be able to make it to the wedding because they were "saving for retirement." I mean, really!! The old witch finally gave in though when my FIL told her that she was crazy and of course they were coming!!

 

[not_Joanna_eggs]

Thanks ladies! It really helps to know that I'm not the only one with a crazy FMIL.

DF came home and told me that his parents called him on the way home. All concerned that he's being too frivolus with his money, because of my engagement ring. (now mind you they have NO idea what he spent - I do, and honestly, I can't believe what a great ring I have for how little he paid) He tried to explain that we got a killer deal on the diamond, and that it's something that I will have with me always. So basically it comes out that she thinks it's so rude that my diamond is bigger than hers and that it was selfish of me to have "such a big diamond" (It's 1.58 cts) and that I was just trying to show her up!!

Seriously??? (well, shhh that was my whole intent by getting engaged - to make her look bad )

We've been dating for about 8 years, so I've always know she was crazy - but I never really realized how much. She's out of control! She even called his grandma our one and only in his family and told her she shouldn't go. (fortunately, she's sane, so she didn't listen )

UGH... I'm not sure I can take 18 more moths of this!

Oh well, time to put the on and keep planning - She shot herself in the foot on this one, DF said he didn't care if they came or not

Oh well... stay tuned for more drama. I really should start a PJ soon. But, I thought I'd at least tell my dad first (he's out of the country with no email or cell until next week)

Again thanks to everyone for their well wishes and wishes to all of you that are in the same boat!

 

[Tink_Kel]

Plain and simple, it's a power play. If you don't follow your heart and do what you want, she will spend the rest of your marriage poo-pooing your choices until death do you part! If you go on as you are planning, and keep the excitement up, and block out the negativity, I can almost guarentee you that she will be at your DFTW.

 

[mickeymom923]

Thanks ladies! It really helps to know that I'm not the only one with a crazy FMIL.

Again thanks to everyone for their well wishes and wishes to all of you that are in the same boat!

I'm in the same boat but atleast I love the boat. DCL that is.

Bev

 

[Panic Attack]

First of all, I think everyone here is right in saying that you should stick to your guns. You've got a nice chunk of time for her to realize that you're not changing anything for her and to mull over her decision to not come to her SON'S WEDDING!!

But I also really like the idea of webcasting the ceremony ^_^' I know you've looked up how much it would be to get an outside contractor, but don't hesitate to ask the guy if disney has any options when you go down there in March to check it out. And you know that my bf (Prince-y-boy) / supposed usher for your wedding will be more than happy to set up the equipment if needed ^_^'

HOWEVER, webcast quality is pixelated at best... so if you do plan on doing it that way, I'd also suggest getting the ceremony recorded for reals (again, another potential job for the bf (Prince Relatively-Charming) ^_^) so that you can have a good quality copy.

But you can't give in!! I want my trip to Disney with the bf (aka: Prince Ali-a-butt-butt) (oh yes... it took me like 2 minutes to come up with that one, i think he'll really appreciate it). ^_^

... Okay, I'll stop now ^_^'

Keep me posted!

 

[rumrunnergirl]

My Mom's MIL was awful. I will tell you one thing - she caused anguish for my parents until she died for the 50-some-odd years my parents were married.

Why? Some men have trouble putting their wife first. My Dad was like this. Yes, their mother is their mother, and always will be, but they are marrying their WIFE. I don't know if you believe the Bible - but if you do - remember the part about "a man shall LEAVE HIS FAMILY AND CLEAVE UNTO HIS WIFE". You can't have "two become one" when one of the two won't put Mom (or other family members) respectfully in their place.

Your fiance and you have decided on a DFTW, and his mom needs to respect that. Parents aren't always happy with our choices, but they need to respect them. Only your fiance can do this with his mom, and he needs to do it NOW. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with your MIL making you miserable.

That said, I am in the opposite boat. My mother is boycotting the wedding. It makes me sad, but she's a grown woman and it's her choice to come or stay home. It's been 5 months, with 4 to go, and she hasn't changed her mind yet. Heck, she hardly talks to me now. But I am moving forward. It is my life, my choices, my wedding.

 

[Beep]

I am so lucky that I don't have a MIL - tim hasn't spoken to his family for over 15 years.

i do, however, have a SIL that behaves like a 3 year old. It is a very long story but she announced that she felt left out of everything (after sneering at our plans and making us feel stupid) and then 2 months later they say they aren't going! YAY!!

That was the ideal solution for us. Well, not strictly true. My ideal solution was a piece of 2x4 and a dark alley but apparently that's not the done thing.

I would definitely stick to your guns and go for what you want. You wouldn't want to look back in years to come and wish you had done something different. You have 18 months to try and win her over and if you don't, well, she will miss out on what makes her son happy.

Failing that I'll send you my piece of 2x4 that I didn't get to use

 

[DISNEYMAGIC2005]

I'm in the same boat but atleast I love the boat. DCL that is.

Bev

I love this!!!!

But honestly I'm in the same boat as you as well. (I wish it was DCL but i'm not that lucky! )

At first it was me in a discussion with DF's parents about doing the Disney thing which they know is my idea. I don't like to approach the situation because money and the economy come into play, which are very legitimate excuses but when it all comes down to it, IT'S OUR DAY! I told them there multiple options of transportation down there and then put on my and walked away.

Then DF's brother basically told me that it was crazy confused: ) for me to expect everyone to come down to Disney and he might have an (OPTIONAL) study abroad trip that he HAS to go on. So at first I got pissed but then I said hey fine, we'll have it webcasted so u can see it wherever you are! Then again put on the and walked away.

I say do things your way. I know it can be really hard to do this but there are some battles that you just can't win so you might as well make u and ur DF happy!! Congrats on your engagement!!!!

 

[BecBennett]

So because the first post was in September, is there an update at all? I'd love to know if anything has changed.

 

[HilsNPaul]

I got married three weeks ago. For over 20 months, I anguished over the fact that my mother was dissatisfied with my wedding plans and refused to come.

I compromised and cried at night about how I had compromised my dream wedding. How I couldn't understand how my own mother would not want to be part of my wonderful, beautiful wedding and share in my joy.

I wish I had used the patented wedding - hater blockers. - About three months before my wedding I came to my senses and absolutely refused to compromise my dream wedding. I'm glad that I finally saw the light.

Family is important, but ultimately the wedding really is about YOU and your FH. People who cannot put aside their personal differences, pride, or selfishness should not play a major role in Your big day.

It is hard to cope with it while it is happening and there are no good words to make it better. I do not even want to contemplate how many tears were shed about my mom.

In the end, my mother came to our ceremony but left our reception claiming that she had more important places to be. I said fine and it did not ruin our night. The reason: because our day was not about her. We got married, it was the wedding of our dreams, and we were thrilled. Nothing that she could do or say could ruin that.

In Lurkyloo's words, slap those babies on and hang on for the ride. Do not shed as many tears as I did.