constructive ways to deal with staring

[SueM in MN]

Thank you for your nice post, Robin. If we had a world full of people with attitudes like yours, people with disabilities would have a much easier time.

 

[olena]

Wow! There are some great stories and ideas on this thread. Much appreciated by this little lady....

I never thought about strategies for stares. Usually, I react and it depends on my mood. If I'm feeling chipper, I give 'em the grin or just make direct eye contact, as best I can. That helps.
I'm legally blind, so I don't see that many stares. It's the comments that hit my ears. Staring is bad enough, but making snide comments is going over the line. They're just asking for it.

That's where I got most of my practice in the 'reacting' department. I've got the 'kill 'em with condescending kindness' bit down pat. Oh well. That's if I'm not so chipper....
Being legally blind is very obvious when reading menus or looking at tags in stores. I get followed by sales folks for that reason, though I'm far from the thieving kind. When they get too close or too annoying, I get back at them by having them escort me all around the store and read everything to me. *laughs* They HATE that!

I can usually handle questions, especially if they're worded nicely. The tough thing for me is all the tangents and other questions my answers lead to. I have spent ten minutes in a shoe store with a lady who kept asking, "Well then what about this?" and "What about that?" That can get tedious. Everyone's first question is always, "What about glasses?" or "How can you see?" On glasses, I just say, "I would if they helped." Now answering the other? I used to get flustered. How do you answer that? Then a good response finally dawned on me. I just laugh and say, "With my eyes." Then they laugh and remark about it being a silly question.

I work with an organization for folks with macular degeneration, and I've made some good friends who share their experiences. I guess I deal with things best by having a sense of humor. I make fun of myself better than anybody I know. My brother and aunt have the same conidtion and we joke a fair bit. My favorite greeting for folks is 'Nice to see you....almost.'

Thanks again for this thread. I have truly enjoyed it. inkbounc

 

[BuckeyeBelle]

Thank you Robin for the wonderful response! It fits my son to a "T" -- he adores life, and I adore him! I will keep that in mind!

 

[Buzzlver]

I am constanly amazed by humanities varying degrees of compassion. I have only felt hostile one and only one time at WDW. A few years ago we were waiting at a DI bus stop for a MK bus. We struck up a conversation with a coupke whose children were roughly the same ages of our children. One of their kids, the 4 year old was in his "doom buggy" as he called it. When the bus approached, empty of all passengers with only 7 or 8 of us waiting for the bus, a family of 5 rushed to get on board. I was thinking to myself that the excitement was just to much for the kids so thats why they were scrambling for bus. Anyway... when the bus driver seen the child in his doom buggy, he got out and with a very compassionate and nonchalant way escorted the child on board. OK.. 3 minutes tops, right? no biggie?? The family of 5 was absolutely beside themselves, complaining and gripping all the way out of the DI. My DH is one of the kindest souls every to be touched by pixie dust calmy asked the father if they had PS seatings they were late for. The father of 5 said "NO, but you would think they would have special buses for those people". Both of our mouths hit the floor and I had to send my DH "the look" for fear that he and the "father" of 5 would go to blows on the bus. Thankfully, only one other couple heard the comment and the sweet family from Ohio was spared from the comment. I have to say it would have left a bad taste in my mouth for people that day except for... the looks on the faces of my children and the Ohio's family children when they finally seen the castle. The two boys hand in hand (I think its great that its still ok to do that at 4 staring up at Cindy's house. We made some great friends that day! But we also learned that as far as humanity has come, it still has a long way to go.

 

[hilside]

I am very small and use a motorized wheelchair, so believe me, do I get stares! As others have stated, it is not usually the stares that bother me, but the comments. My favorite was when I was sitting in a mall food court talking on my cellphone, and some amazingly rude woman just walked right up and said, "How old are you?" I replied "26," (I think that's how old I was at the time), then began to finish my conversation. Then she interruped again, this time with, "How many inches?" Not "How tall are you?" but "How many inches? I just stared at her, and said, "Um, I'm on the phone." I really wanted to say something raunchy.. hehe but I controlled myself.

 

[6_Time_Momma]

I think the staring problem witll get worse as Garrett gets older. People think kids are cute when their young, vut when they get older, not so cute. I find myself staring a lot, too though. Mainly when I see a young man with DS working bagging groceries or wiping tables at a restaurant. I guess I am trying to see what Garrett's future could be like. Usually, my DH then catches me and chides me for staring. If a child is staring, I will usually look at Garrett and say, "Can you say hi?" and that may get the child to ask the question I know he is dying to ask. Adults, I just smile at or I ask Garrett to tell them hi as well.

 

[SueM in MN]

We have experienced the situation that Buzzlvr described with our DD. She was waiting in her wheelchair to board the bus with my DH. My other DD and I were waiting at the front of the bus to board. We heard a similar comment about "You would think they would have special buses for those people" (spoken with a sneer). We didn't do anything, but stare at them 9along with several other people who heard. We also had the situation where someone complained to the bus driver and riders in general at park closing that "those people shouldn't be riding the bus. She takes up 2 spaces where people could be sitting." Never mind that my DH, other DD and I were all standing, even though other DD and I had gotten on the bus, waiting in line with everyone else in enough time to get seats. The bus driver made some comment that I didn't hear and people glared at those who made the comment.
It sad that some people seem to think It's all about me! and they don't consider other people have needs and wants too.

 

[BuckeyeBelle]

You just have to roll your eyes at comments like that (in the bus line), don't you? You know those people would be the first ones to complain if a special bus rolled up and loaded only your family... they would whine about you getting special treatment while they had to ride the cattle car bus. Good thing those people are fewer than 0.1% of guests at WDW. The other 99.9% seem to be very understanding. Guess we need a few bad apples to remind us how nice most people are.

 

[Andrew Bichard]

Often, when I see someone in a wheelchair I find myself taking a good look.

Why?

Because I am in a wheelchair myself and I want a good look at their chair, especially if it is better than mine. <g>. Just the same way that car enthusiasts tak a good look at a new model when they see one.

Andrew

 

[lisapooh]

Same here. I look at the chair first then the person. Want to see the models.

 

[teri]

bump, for new people

 

[teri]

bump again for new people

 

[Leah's Mom]

My DD is 10 and has autism, she looks fairly "typical" until you watch some of her "stims" If i think people are staring at her behaviors I often start to do sign language! I know VERY basic sign, but once i start to sign to Leah it seems to give THEM a visual clue!! Works like a charm!!

 

[teri]

bump, for our new people

 

[Alaska]

We have found that for every rude person there are at least 10 great ones.

As I have posted before, my son can't sit up on his own, uses a wheelchair, has a tracheostomy and g-tube, uses a ventilator part-time, and cannot speak because of significant upper airway collapse (the reason for the trach). But he is bright-eyed, kind, and engaging.

He is now in a combination first-second grade class with all of the kids who were in his kindergarten class and 24 additional children. One of the mothers of twin girls who were in his kindergarten class told me, with tears in her eyes, that during her girls' Brownie troop meeting the troop leader was talking about differences in people. She asked the girls if anyone knew someone who was different because s/he had a disability, for example, someone who uses a wheelchair. Although 6 of the little girls in the troop are in my son's class, none of them raised their hands. The mom who was telling me the story said that she thinks the kids just see all of the medical stuff as part of my son and do not see them as evidence of "disabilities."

Now in the rude category, a mom came up to me during a class function and out of the blue said "so his condition is progressive, huh?" I sort of stammered that it is not considered to be progressive, but that folks with his disorder do not build muscle at the same rate that their bodies grow, so it might seem that way. What I really wanted to say was "no, and by the way, are those really a size one bizillion pair of underpants you are wearing?" just to let her know what it feels like to have someone say something completely inappropriate. However, that would not have been nice and she is someone who carries herself like she is a queen bee, so I just figured that she was insecure and socially out of it and smiled after I answered her question and changed the subject to something positive about the class gathering.

 

[SueM in MN]

Alaska, I had to laugh at the remark you wanted to make. We do need to bite our tongues sometimes, don't we?
Sometimes, I feel like a mother grizzly bear defending her young. It would be nice sometimes just to growl at someone.

 

[s&k'smom]

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts but I heard this one this morning. Chatting with a fellow parent who son is also autistic. They were at a grocery store one day and his DS was acting up. A very rude woman said to him "can't you control your son". He turned to her and said, "he has a social integration problem and so don't you". We just cracked up because we've both been there. Great thread!!

 

[Mskanga]

All I can say is I admire you guys for all the courage you show, but I can't help it when a couple of times I have "heard" the comments from people complaining about disabled people and how long it takes to get them on the bus and off, I always answer the same thing , be thankful that you are not in a wheelchair or have any disability and pray that you never do. That usually shuts them up, it really makes me mad how some people can say things like that.
Thank God, nobody in my family is disabled but I also think that disabled people are very special in their own way and believe me....they have given me a few lessons in life!

 

[teri]

bump!

 

[HockeyDadof2]

On our trip to Orlando in 2000 my then 4 y/o son got very sick on our way to the airport, throwing up and looking very weak. When we got to the airport the skycap suggested we take a wheelchair for him which we did. I was amazed at the number of people that stared at us. I understood the kids stares, but was really kinda perplexed by the adults who stared. I have a question though. As a parent that has always tried to teach my kids that staring is rude and they shouldn't do it, is it more offensive to have my kid stare and wonder about a child in a wheelchair or with an obvious difference, or is it more rude for me to scurry them away. My fear is that I am giving the impression that I am trying to get away from that different kid (or adult).