Confidence issues- 12/16/09 UPDATE

[lillygator]

I think this is beyond this one particular guy, though he plays a big part of it.

I mean, if I cannot talk to him, who can I talk to? Will I ever be able to talk to a guy? I mean, my whole life, I kind of thought Prince Charming would just fall into my life, show up at my front door, and that would be all she wrote. Now, I am starting to realize that it may not be as easy as I once envisioned it. I might have to do some work. I might have to actually speak. And, it is not easy. At all.

I mean I can sit around hoping and praying and waiting for a guy to talk to me. But, it hasn't happened yet. So, I guess I can put faith in the good Lord that it will happen someday. Or, I could follow the adage that God helps those who help themselves. I dunno...

he WILL, but not the way you think. Do you interact with other people? People at work? Do you talk to anyone at the gym? Quit worrying about guys...I know you may feel you need one right this moment, but get yourself a hobby in addition to the gym, go do things with people.

You know what? You are SO right. The real me is fun-loving and loves to laugh till I cry and yells at the tv when I am watching sports. The real me can jabber someone's ear off and has a unique sense of humor. I am the real me when I am on the couch with my dog snuggled up against me. The whole shyness thing is just a defense mechanism.



Don't you think I know that?! Why do you think I am the way I am. In addition to the idea that I consider the fact that guys do not talk to me our ask me out just as much rejection as the direct rejection I have received, I have so much experience with it. Rejection is when your classmates, your very good friends, are playing spin the bottle, and everyone quits when it is your turn to spin. Rejection is when your mom is on the phone a week before your junior prom, calling everyone she knows, begging them to have their child go to the prom with you, because no one else would go. Rejection is when you get set up on a blind date, and when you go to meet him, he doesn't show. Only, he DID show and saw you and was so disappointed in the way you look that he bolted before you could even meet. Rejection is for every 10 emails you send on match.com, 7 come back "Thanks, but no thanks" and the other 3 don't get responded to at all. Trust me, I KNOW what rejection is. That's why it's just so hard for me to stick my neck out there.

I will try to do better. I have to.

are you seeing anyone to help you deal with all this?

 

[mmackeymouse]

On match.com your rejection can't just be because of your picture--I don't see anything wrong with your photo in your avatar, for example. Seriously, women who are far less attractive than you can find guys. Just try to relax and don't take it personally when you get rejected like that. They don't really know you.

Oh, and high school rejection doesn't count. When guys are in high school, they're at their most shallow and pathetic. Besides, you don't know who might have been pining for you and wasn't brave enough to show it. True story: My best friend just started dating a guy from our high school who never asked her out but had a crush on her. They "met up" on Facebook a few months back. We graduated 15 years ago!

Aww, thank you, you are too kind! Most days, I look in the mirror, and I don't think I am hideous. Some days, even, I look pretty. Like two days ago, I wore double french braids, and I looked darn cute.

I think the problem is that 50 lbs ago, I didn't think I looked "that bad." My mom, God bless her, of course is my mom so she always said I was beautiful. And my friends didn't think I should have a problem getting dates. But, when I look back at pictures, I look awful. Absolutely disgusting. It makes me pretty proud about how far I've come.

The problem is, since I did not think I looked "that bad" then, and I don't think I look "that bad" now. Which means I cannot really trust my own judgment or my friends' judgment. Obviously my mom is not exactly objective. So, I guess the only people I can trust to give an honest opinion of me are people I don't know. Does this make any sense at all?

That is a great story about your friend!

 

[solotraveler]

I think this is beyond this one particular guy, though he plays a big part of it.

I mean, if I cannot talk to him, who can I talk to? Will I ever be able to talk to a guy? I mean, my whole life, I kind of thought Prince Charming would just fall into my life, show up at my front door, and that would be all she wrote. Now, I am starting to realize that it may not be as easy as I once envisioned it. I might have to do some work. I might have to actually speak. And, it is not easy. At all.

I mean I can sit around hoping and praying and waiting for a guy to talk to me. But, it hasn't happened yet. So, I guess I can put faith in the good Lord that it will happen someday. Or, I could follow the adage that God helps those who help themselves. I dunno...

I think you need to take a biiiiiiiiig step back from this particular guy. I think the reason you can't talk to him is that you are already over-invested and the stakes are way too high right now. One piece of advice I might give is that practice makes perfect. Why not talk to guys that you have little to moderate, or heck ZERO interest in?? That way, the pressure is off. If they reject you, big whoop! If they show some interest, then maybe consider going out for coffee with him. What can it hurt right?

As a guy, I can say with ALL confidence that if you try and approach this guy, it's not going to work. You're prematurely invested and he'll be able to read that a mile away. Honestly, set him aside. Consider him married, gay or gay and married and widen your search a bit.

 

[CathrynRose]

Your posts make me really sad. They really do. Why are you so hard on yourself? Have you ever looked around and eyeballed married people, or just couples? They come in all shapes and sizes!

This has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with just being yourself.. Being fun. Being approachable. Willing to approach! Approach! Approach, approach, approach! The more you do it, the easier it gets. Every man you encounter, is a practicing moment for you. That “Hi” with a smile you shoot some dude at a coffee shop, could be “the one” or it could just be a friendly “Hi” that makes it easier to do so, all the time.

I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learned in my years of dating. When a man is interested, he won’t leave you alone. If this man at the Gym hasn’t been bothering you to the point of submission (hahahahaha!) then move on. He’s not worth bothering with. The one’s who like you, will be relentless in their pursuit of you. But in order to be pursuited, you have got to just be *you*. No games, no weird eye games at the gym. Say “Hi”. If you can’t gather up enough courage to say anything else a “Hi” with a smile, works.

Keep in mind, men are just as worried about rejection as women are. Open your door. Be willing to go on dates, that are just that – dates. Not every date turns into a lifelong commitment. Nor should they be. Dating gives you an idea of what you llike, and what you don’t and gives you the confidence to be yourself around the opposite sex.

FTR - I have a girlfriend like you. She'll be 37 in January, and is still single. It's incredibly difficult to break this mind-set that any guy you pass that looks your way is "the one". You need to do it *now*. Don't be like my g/f. The girl is HYSTERICAL. So funny, so cool, so laid back, so interesting and smart - but I've seen her on dates, or around men, and she clams up. It's time to be yourself, have confidence in just being you.

Smile, be happy with every passing moment and know it’s all experience for the life time commitment you will eventually have. And start saying “Hi”

 

[mmackeymouse]

Your posts make me really sad. They really do. Why are you so hard on yourself? Have you ever looked around and eyeballed married people, or just couples? They come in all shapes and sizes!

Trust me, logically I know that. I see women much bigger or uglier or whatever than me with wonderful husbands and marriages. So, it makes sense that it isn't about the looks. But, all I know is MY truth. And MY truth is that guys don't talk to me or ask me out. My looks is the only thing I can come up with.

I know that people say if you don't have confidence in yourself before the weight loss, it's not going to be there afterwards. But, I mean if you watch the Biggest Loser, you can literally see these people gain confidence as they lose weight.

This has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with just being yourself.. Being fun. Being approachable. Willing to approach! Approach! Approach, approach, approach! The more you do it, the easier it gets. Every man you encounter, is a practicing moment for you. That “Hi” with a smile you shoot some dude at a coffee shop, could be “the one” or it could just be a friendly “Hi” that makes it easier to do so, all the time.

I mean, I DO talk to some guys. They are usually teenagers or older men in their 60's. But, they are of the male persuasion, right? Haha. Honestly, it is hard for me to talk to guys period. Even guys that I have no interest in. Even guys that are married with kids. If they are in a general vicinity of my age, I dunno what it is. So, yeah, as someone recommended, maybe I do need to practice.

I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learned in my years of dating. When a man is interested, he won’t leave you alone. If this man at the Gym hasn’t been bothering you to the point of submission (hahahahaha!) then move on. He’s not worth bothering with. The one’s who like you, will be relentless in their pursuit of you. But in order to be pursuited, you have got to just be *you*. No games, no weird eye games at the gym. Say “Hi”. If you can’t gather up enough courage to say anything else a “Hi” with a smile, works.

Keep in mind, men are just as worried about rejection as women are. Open your door. Be willing to go on dates, that are just that – dates. Not every date turns into a lifelong commitment. Nor should they be. Dating gives you an idea of what you llike, and what you don’t and gives you the confidence to be yourself around the opposite sex.

I am just getting so much conflicting advice on this. Some of my friends say to go for it, talk to him. Others say to leave it alone. Some say that he is probably not interested. Others say he might just be shy. Some say the "weird eye games" are a great sign. Others say that a lot of the time guys look at someone they have no interest in to avoid looking at the person they do have interest in. Well, gee whiz, no wonder I am so dang backwards!


In any case, I truly feel blessed and humbled that people like yourself care enough to take time out of your day to post your thoughts and suggestions to help me. Thanks!

 

[Nie0214]

And MY truth is that guys don't talk to me or ask me out. My looks is the only thing I can come up with.

I can come up with a whole slew of reasons, least of all being your looks. Seriously, stop posting about it, stop thinking someone who looks in your direction is "the one". It works like that in Disney movies, and that is about it. Yes, love comes in mysterious ways sometimes, but that doesn't mean the mailman, the guy at the grocery store, the guy at the gym, your neighbor's brother, etc. will be Prince Charming. Stop ignoring great advice within this thread and writing it off as your situation being different.

Meeting people is TOUGH, but you're making it harder on yourself by overanalyzing everything. You're trying to create a formula that if X happens, then do Y, and maybe Z will come running! The fact that you're looking forward to going away because someone who doesn't even know your name might miss you (instead of being excited to be going on vacation) speaks volumes. Have you considered talking to your doctor or going to therapy for anxiety? Maybe you should consider switching gyms because this obsession seems to be unhealthy for you.

Work on yourself. I firmly believe that you cannot be happy with someone else until you are comfortable with yourself, happy and stable alone, with life goals, future stability, etc. You can never expect to be happy in life if you don't love yourself before you find someone to love.

 

[Scurvy]

Guys often aren't as oblivious as they seem. (Sorry, guys on this thread!) If you've built up your interactions with Gym Guy so much that every look has tons of meaning, he's eventually going to pick up on that. And he's going to think it's weird, and write you off as the weird girl at the gym instead of bothering to get to know you. And you sound like someone who is worth getting to know, so that wouldn't be a good thing. Treat him like everybody else. Say "Hi" or smile if that's how you treat other people, but don't single him out. And realize that you don't know him. He might be nothing like you imagine him to be. He could kick puppies or eat kittens in his spare time. Or maybe he's great. You can't know, because you don't know him. You like the way he looks but you don't like him because you don't know him. There are tons of guys out there, and in all likelyhood this guy is not the one for you. Maybe he will turn out to be a friend, and maybe not. But building up a huge potential relationship with someone you don't know is a recipe for disaster.

OP, you seem like a nice person. Obviously no one thing will work for everyone, but this is what I think you should do. Don't even consider dating anyone. No one at all. Just tell youself that for X amount of time (3 months, 6 months, a year, whatever you decide) you will not even consider going on a date. It seems to me that you've just built this up to the point that it's way too big of a deal. Don't look for Prince Charming. Look for friends, instead. You need to get more comfortable talking to guys before you meet Mr Right, or your shyness and intensity are going to be too off-putting for him and he'll run the other way without realizing that you're perfect for each other. Focus on yourself, and expanding your circle of friends, and put finding The One out of your mind completely. Remove the possiblity of dating and you'll remove all this pressure you're under right now. Get more comfortable with yourself, and with your friends, and with people in general. When the time is right, you'll be at the right place in your life to find Mr Right. You can't force something like that, so don't even try to. Just live your life and don't worry about finding a relationship yet.

 

[Jennasis]

The VH1 show "Tough Love" has some sound advice on this subject, from a guy's perspective. It's a boot-camp style reality show where an LA based matchmaker (a guy) takes a bunch of no-lunk-with-love women and tries to help them realize why they've been unable to find love and to fix them.

It's pretty entertaining on top of illuminating.

 

[CathrynRose]

The VH1 show "Tough Love" has some sound advice on this subject, from a guy's perspective. It's a boot-camp style reality show where an LA based matchmaker (a guy) takes a bunch of no-lunk-with-love women and tries to help them realize why they've been unable to find love and to fix them.

It's pretty entertaining on top of illuminating.

Great advice - honestly. I watch that show, and have never disagreed with him, ever.

Trust me, logically I know that. I see women much bigger or uglier or whatever than me with wonderful husbands and marriages. So, it makes sense that it isn't about the looks. But, all I know is MY truth. And MY truth is that guys don't talk to me or ask me out. My looks is the only thing I can come up with.

Well stop. Not to be harsh, truly - but stop! It's not looks. If it was looks you wouldn't see the bigger/uglier people with dates! You act like you're an Ogre! From your llittle one inch avatar, you look absolutely FINE!

I know that people say if you don't have confidence in yourself before the weight loss, it's not going to be there afterwards. But, I mean if you watch the Biggest Loser, you can literally see these people gain confidence as they lose weight.

And what happens when you gain that weight back? It happens. Would your confidence plummet? According to what you have said, it sounds like it might. So, that can't be the only thing that will bring you confidence!

No one is going to argue with you that losing weight would give you more confidence, but as a woman you should know your weight will be a constant struggle. You can't blame man issues on it. You just can't. Because - just like you said - bigger/uglier women have found dates, too.



I am just getting so much conflicting advice on this. Some of my friends say to go for it, talk to him. Others say to leave it alone. Some say that he is probably not interested. Others say he might just be shy. Some say the "weird eye games" are a great sign. Others say that a lot of the time guys look at someone they have no interest in to avoid looking at the person they do have interest in. Well, gee whiz, no wonder I am so dang backwards!

The thing is this.... how long has this been going on? If an approach hasn't been made by him or you yet, I don't know that I'd bother. You could use him as your practice. That's fine.... but stop pegging him as "the one". Half the population is men, so there are lots of "one's" out there.


In any case, I truly feel blessed and humbled that people like yourself care enough to take time out of your day to post your thoughts and suggestions to help me. Thanks!

Everything I'm saying to you, I wish I could say to my g/f. She get's really defensive and upset about it. I think I'm almost "yelling" at you, the way I want to yell at her. So, please don't be offended.

Just start saying "Hi" to guys. You'll see how much a smile and a "Hi" back, will boost your confidence.

 

[solotraveler]

Guys often aren't as oblivious as they seem. (Sorry, guys on this thread!) If you've built up your interactions with Gym Guy so much that every look has tons of meaning, he's eventually going to pick up on that. And he's going to think it's weird, and write you off as the weird girl at the gym instead of bothering to get to know you. And you sound like someone who is worth getting to know, so that wouldn't be a good thing. Treat him like everybody else. Say "Hi" or smile if that's how you treat other people, but don't single him out. And realize that you don't know him. He might be nothing like you imagine him to be. He could kick puppies or eat kittens in his spare time. Or maybe he's great. You can't know, because you don't know him. You like the way he looks but you don't like him because you don't know him. There are tons of guys out there, and in all likelyhood this guy is not the one for you. Maybe he will turn out to be a friend, and maybe not. But building up a huge potential relationship with someone you don't know is a recipe for disaster.

OP, you seem like a nice person. Obviously no one thing will work for everyone, but this is what I think you should do. Don't even consider dating anyone. No one at all. Just tell youself that for X amount of time (3 months, 6 months, a year, whatever you decide) you will not even consider going on a date. It seems to me that you've just built this up to the point that it's way too big of a deal. Don't look for Prince Charming. Look for friends, instead. You need to get more comfortable talking to guys before you meet Mr Right, or your shyness and intensity are going to be too off-putting for him and he'll run the other way without realizing that you're perfect for each other. Focus on yourself, and expanding your circle of friends, and put finding The One out of your mind completely. Remove the possiblity of dating and you'll remove all this pressure you're under right now. Get more comfortable with yourself, and with your friends, and with people in general. When the time is right, you'll be at the right place in your life to find Mr Right. You can't force something like that, so don't even try to. Just live your life and don't worry about finding a relationship yet.

 

[Missy1961]

Your posts make me really sad. They really do. Why are you so hard on yourself? Have you ever looked around and eyeballed married people, or just couples? They come in all shapes and sizes!

This has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with just being yourself.. Being fun. Being approachable. Willing to approach! Approach! Approach, approach, approach! The more you do it, the easier it gets. Every man you encounter, is a practicing moment for you. That “Hi” with a smile you shoot some dude at a coffee shop, could be “the one” or it could just be a friendly “Hi” that makes it easier to do so, all the time.

I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learned in my years of dating. When a man is interested, he won’t leave you alone. If this man at the Gym hasn’t been bothering you to the point of submission (hahahahaha!) then move on. He’s not worth bothering with. The one’s who like you, will be relentless in their pursuit of you. But in order to be pursuited, you have got to just be *you*. No games, no weird eye games at the gym. Say “Hi”. If you can’t gather up enough courage to say anything else a “Hi” with a smile, works.

Keep in mind, men are just as worried about rejection as women are. Open your door. Be willing to go on dates, that are just that – dates. Not every date turns into a lifelong commitment. Nor should they be. Dating gives you an idea of what you llike, and what you don’t and gives you the confidence to be yourself around the opposite sex.

FTR - I have a girlfriend like you. She'll be 37 in January, and is still single. It's incredibly difficult to break this mind-set that any guy you pass that looks your way is "the one". You need to do it *now*. Don't be like my g/f. The girl is HYSTERICAL. So funny, so cool, so laid back, so interesting and smart - but I've seen her on dates, or around men, and she clams up. It's time to be yourself, have confidence in just being you.

Smile, be happy with every passing moment and know it’s all experience for the life time commitment you will eventually have. And start saying “Hi”

Great advice!

 

[CathrynRose]

Lemme ask you this, too....

According to your ticker, you're at like 195-ish? So, what size are you in? A 14 or so?

Isn't the average woman a size 12? I think it is.... (I should Google)

Do not get me wrong.... the gym is great! But don't place all your eggs in the basket that says "When I'm skinny, I'll find someone" because it really isn't just about that.

ETA - I just eyeballed your ticker! You've lost 35 pounds!!! HOT DAWG! Your confidence should be up ALREADY! That's a small child, you lost - 7 bags of sugar - 35 packages of butter!!!

Do you see what I'm saying though? If 35 pounds (which is probably a couple dress / pants sizes) hasn't made you a wee-bit more confident, what makes you think losing any more, will? KWIM? Start just being YOU! And the weight loss ca be an added bonus.

 

[Jennasis]

Great advice - honestly. I watch that show, and have never disagreed with him, ever.
]

Plus, Steve is adorable.

 

[Crankyshank]

Cathryn Rose gave you some excellent advice. I really hope you take it in and apply it.

The sad thing about the situation, is that the older you get the more set in your ways about the situation you become until you wind up like CR's friend. You're still young - experiment. Pretend to be someone else at the mall - someone with confidence. smile and flirt with random strangers. The point is that you have to get some practice in. The more relaxed you are during encounters, the less intense/desperate you will come across to guys you really are interested in.

I cannot scream enough that it is not your looks or your weight that are preventing you from dating. Stop thinking it. And definitely stop looking for Mr. Right and go with Mr. Training Wheels if one shows up. Have you asked people to fix you up on blind dates, just to get some dating experience?

Have you tried asking your friends and family (people that you can rely upon to be 100% honest even if it hurts) why they think you're having problems getting a date? Eons ago I found out that I give off an aloof attitude. I'm not an aloof person, but I do tend to get lost in my own thoughts and that was coming across as being unapproachable. I am so glad my friends were honest with me about that because I was able to work on myself and as a result I am much more sociable and approachable.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Treat him like everybody else.

Okay, if that is the case, I just won't talk to him (or any other guy). Which is kind of where I'm at now. So I guess I already am treating him like everyone else. And, if I am ever going to meet guys, for friendship or anything else, that is not going to work, because obviously these guys aren't approaching me.

OP, you seem like a nice person. Obviously no one thing will work for everyone, but this is what I think you should do. Don't even consider dating anyone. No one at all. Just tell youself that for X amount of time (3 months, 6 months, a year, whatever you decide) you will not even consider going on a date. It seems to me that you've just built this up to the point that it's way too big of a deal. Don't look for Prince Charming. Look for friends, instead. You need to get more comfortable talking to guys before you meet Mr Right, or your shyness and intensity are going to be too off-putting for him and he'll run the other way without realizing that you're perfect for each other. Focus on yourself, and expanding your circle of friends, and put finding The One out of your mind completely. Remove the possiblity of dating and you'll remove all this pressure you're under right now. Get more comfortable with yourself, and with your friends, and with people in general. When the time is right, you'll be at the right place in your life to find Mr Right. You can't force something like that, so don't even try to. Just live your life and don't worry about finding a relationship yet.

I have actually been through this song and dance before. Not a set amount of time or anything. But when I graduated college 5 years ago, I said to myself that I was going to concentrate on myself and my career and up until now, I have. Five years. With no dates, and honestly I didn't even really care about guys. Maybe a handful of casual attractions and more than a handful of innocent celeb crushes.

But one day, I woke up and decided, it's not working. I have to put myself out there. I want a husband and a family, and I am not getting any younger. So, if that means going on those stupid online sites, so be it.

Lemme ask you this, too....

According to your ticker, you're at like 195-ish? So, what size are you in? A 14 or so?

Isn't the average woman a size 12? I think it is.... (I should Google)

Do not get me wrong.... the gym is great! But don't place all your eggs in the basket that says "When I'm skinny, I'll find someone" because it really isn't just about that.

ETA - I just eyeballed your ticker! You've lost 35 pounds!!! HOT DAWG! Your confidence should be up ALREADY! That's a small child, you lost - 7 bags of sugar - 35 packages of butter!!!

Do you see what I'm saying though? If 35 pounds (which is probably a couple dress / pants sizes) hasn't made you a wee-bit more confident, what makes you think losing any more, will? KWIM? Start just being YOU! And the weight loss ca be an added bonus.

Yeah, about a 14. 12-16 depending on the way the clothes are made. And, I have actually lost 50 lbs......I am losing weight in increments on my tickers. So yeah, about 4 dress sizes. Who knows, in a year, maybe I will be in single digits!

By the way, I don't think the world is quite half men. I think, if I remember correctly, women outnumber men which means that there are some women out there that are just screwed. Maybe I am one of them.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Don't you think I know that?! Why do you think I am the way I am. In addition to the idea that I consider the fact that guys do not talk to me our ask me out just as much rejection as the direct rejection I have received, I have so much experience with it. Rejection is when your classmates, your very good friends, are playing spin the bottle, and everyone quits when it is your turn to spin. Rejection is when your mom is on the phone a week before your junior prom, calling everyone she knows, begging them to have their child go to the prom with you, because no one else would go. Rejection is when you get set up on a blind date, and when you go to meet him, he doesn't show. Only, he DID show and saw you and was so disappointed in the way you look that he bolted before you could even meet. Rejection is for every 10 emails you send on match.com, 7 come back "Thanks, but no thanks" and the other 3 don't get responded to at all. Trust me, I KNOW what rejection is. That's why it's just so hard for me to stick my neck out there.

I will try to do better. I have to.

You do need to let go of these experiences. Honestly, I think we all have stories like that. I had the boy I had a HUGE crush on in high school laugh hysterically at me when I asked him to a dance, I got left by my date at my high school prom, I walked in on my ex bf having sex with another girl, etc. You can either let these things hold you down and carry them around like big weights in life or just tell yourself you deserve better and that there is someone as great as you are out there.

I suggest making a list of everything you want to do in life. I did this a few years ago and it has opened my life immeasurably. I stopped focusing on "Why is everyone else getting married that I know?" and "What if I end up alone?!" and focused on enjoying my life. I went skydiving and met some great people. I bought a kayak and joined a kayaking group and met some great friends. I joined a pilates class. Did I have a fear of doing all of these things? YES! I was afraid I was going to look stupid or that I wouldn't have anything to talk about but I FORCED myself to go, no excuses. Fear holds us back from so much in life but sometimes you just have to close your eyes and do it anyways and you'll reap the rewards ten fold.

My other suggestion is just to talk to everyone! I made a point to compliment 2 people a day. I would tell a cashier I liked her earrings and her face would light up. This makes it so much easier to talk to anyone, male or female eventually.

I consider myself a fairly attractive person. After high school I kind of blossomed and had no problem getting guys. But that doesn't mean I'm every guy's cup of tea. If you put yourself out there you WILL find a great guy even if you have to learn a few life lessons along the way. Nothing's a mistake, and believe me, a lot of the awful dating stories just turn into good laughs in the future (like the guy I went out with once that commented on every girl's anatomy that walked by ).

By the way, that guy that laughed at me when I asked him to a dance in high school, I ran into him a couple of years ago and he tried to get my number. He didn't even know who I was or recognize me. I could've laughed at him and made him feel as horrible as he made me feel but I never want to make anyone feel like that. Just remember when a guy comes up to you that you may find unattractive or that you're not interested in to treat him with the same respect you would want. I admire anyone that gets knocked down and keeps on trying. Life is too short to live in fear of the past repeating itself.

**Oh, I just wanted to add about the nervousness. There used to be this show on VH1 called the Pick Up Artist where this guy took these guys that had no game and helped them, well, get game. One of the things he said, which is so true, if you wait longer than 3 seconds to go up to a guy(girl) and talk to them it becomes so much worse. You start building it up in your mind where as if you had just taken a deep breath and done it as quickly as possible the fear and anxiousness wouldn't have time to manifest in your head.

 

[BelleWDW]

I suggest making a list of everything you want to do in life. I did this a few years ago and it has opened my life immeasurably. I stopped focusing on "Why is everyone else getting married that I know?" and "What if I end up alone?!" and focused on enjoying my life. I went skydiving and met some great people. I bought a kayak and joined a kayaking group and met some great friends. I joined a pilates class. Did I have a fear of doing all of these things? YES! I was afraid I was going to look stupid or that I wouldn't have anything to talk about but I FORCED myself to go, no excuses. Fear holds us back from so much in life but sometimes you just have to close your eyes and do it anyways and you'll reap the rewards ten fold.

My other suggestion is just to talk to everyone!.

Great, great suggestions
Get involved in groups-Fun Runs for charity-help with the snacks or water for the runners-you'll meet piles of people!
Go to a class..............my 30 something cousin-who thought she'd be an old maid- met a good male friend in grad school-became a romance then after a couple years they married

 

[Scurvy]

Okay, if that is the case, I just won't talk to him (or any other guy). Which is kind of where I'm at now. So I guess I already am treating him like everyone else. And, if I am ever going to meet guys, for friendship or anything else, that is not going to work, because obviously these guys aren't approaching me.

Well I think that's probably a big part of your problem. I'm going to echo several other posters and say talk to everyone. Guys, girls, it doesn't matter. Don't do it because you're looking for Mr Right. Do it because you're looking for friends. Smile. Say "Hi". Be friendly. No one is going to approach you if you come across as unfriendly.

You say you have to put youself out there to find someone to (eventually) marry. But if you're not talking to people, how are you putting yourself out there? Just by filling out forms on dating sites? I don't think that's enough. You're going to have to put yourself out there in "real life", too. And the best way to do that without coming across as weird or desperate is to be more social with everybody, not just the guys you might be interested in. The added benefit of that is that whether or not you find someone you want to date, you'll find new friends. And we can all use more friends!

Find a class, or some sort of social group, or a church. Find a group of people who have interests similar to yours and try to cultivate some friendships. You'll find someone to date, but probably not until you are more comfortable talking to people and acting friendly. And the more people you befriend, the wider your social circle will become. Maybe you'll meet Mr Right through a friend of a friend. You're far more likely to meet the right guy through people you already know or a group that you enjoy spending time with than through some dating site.

 

[CathrynRose]

And definitely stop looking for Mr. Right and go with Mr. Training Wheels if one shows up.

Yes!!!

I have another g/f who's been married twice, and is now dating a really nice, warm, gentleman of a man (who she met on Match)

She's 40 years old, 2 kids, she's cute but not head-turning "HOT" - just normal.

I can't even tell you how many dates she went on. Couldn't even tell you. The reason being, she goes out and 'dates'. She isn't (wasn't) looking for another marriage, or another person to grow old with. She was looking for a fun Friday evening. Or a Saturday afternoon, spent in the city.

She would go out with just about any guy - as long as he didn't give off a creepy vibe. Her first date might be with a big group of people, and if it went even just 'okay' - she'd be willing to meet him for dinner, maybe once, twice - who knows. Whatever she felt like.

Her rule? They could not ask what she was wearing. If in any correspondence with them, they said "What are you wearing?" it ended.

She went out to have fun. Nothing more, nothing less. And she's a brilliant, confident woman - with a Master's Degree and bright, sunny outlook on life. THAT is what makes her attractive.