Confidence issues- 12/16/09 UPDATE

[MinnieMe87]

I don't think that just because he hasn't spoken to you means that he isn't or wouldn't be interested in you. He doesn't even know you!!!!
I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need some "tough" love.
I think you looking for excuses that will get you out of facing your fear of initiating a conversation with him. Your being a bit wimpy about it.(sorry I know that sounds mean, but I promise I don't intend it that way) What have you got to lose? So what if you talk to him and you find out he's not interested? If he's mean and horrible about than you can feel good about not ending up with the jerk! Stop making excuses and face your fears, or just accept that it is probably never going to happen and buy like 15 cats and a bunch of yarn . Who said that to keep doing the same thing over and over and yet expect a different result each time is insanity? Heed their advice!!! Stop doing nothing and expecting something in return. It's time to find your inner "I don't give a darn" and just go for it!!

 

[mmackeymouse]

I just want to thank everyone for their words of encouragement thus far. Through a bit of soul (among other) searching as well as the counsel of those on here, I have made the decision to back off on the whole gym guy thing. Whatever happens, happens. But, I am not necessarily going to TRY to make anything happen either.

I am going to try to restore the original intention of this thread, which is on building confidence, not just for myself, but for anyone out there battling insecurities.

I will post about any trouble I may be having or triumphs or breakthroughs. And, who knows, if there IS any interactions with guys, I will definitely let you know.

And, I think one of my problems is not necessarily confidence so much as it is.....affirmation. Like....I think, compared to how far I've come, I look great! I think I'm totally datable. But, I guess, without a guy confirming what I believe to be true, I don't really 100% believe it.

I think I am a wonderful catch, I sincerely do. But, if no one else does, does that make me sadly delusional or just the best kept secret in town?

I am going to work on myself and my approachability and keep that ring on my right hand, and hopefully, everything else will fall into place.

 

[tar heel]

Have you thought about doing some confidence boosting activities?

You said you don't wear make-up. Why? You can get a free makeover at the department store cosmetics counter -- why don't you try it and see what you think?

Shop for some pretty clothes and make sure it's something a little different than you wore 30 pounds ago. Pay attention to shoes -- it's amazing how much diffrence a heel can make.

How about a hair makeover? I'm a lot older than you and I did that a couple months ago. I had gotten in a rut by wearing an easy blunt cut for years -- I could literally get it cut once a year if I wanted. I thought it looked okay until I went to a new hairstylist recommended by friends and asked her for recommendations. I told her not super short and that I wanted to look modern and not matronly. OMG -- why didn't I do it sooner? I felt like different person when I walked out of there.

On a totally different subject, what kind of volunteer work do you do? You need to put yourself in a position to meet more people in a fun, casual environment. You can really bond with people hammering nails in a Habitat house or serving at a soup kitchen.

I would consider keeping the ring in the jewelry box. I find it odd to "talk" about sex when you meet someone and that's how it strikes me, and I'm old enough to be your mother and have been married for 27 years.

 

[Caradana]

Have you thought about doing some confidence boosting activities?

You said you don't wear make-up. Why? You can get a free makeover at the department store cosmetics counter -- why don't you try it and see what you think?

Shop for some pretty clothes and make sure it's something a little different than you wore 30 pounds ago. Pay attention to shoes -- it's amazing how much diffrence a heel can make.

How about a hair makeover? I'm a lot older than you and I did that a couple months ago. I had gotten in a rut by wearing an easy blunt cut for years -- I could literally get it cut once a year if I wanted. I thought it looked okay until I went to a new hairstylist recommended by friends and asked her for recommendations. I told her not super short and that I wanted to look modern and not matronly. OMG -- why didn't I do it sooner? I felt like different person when I walked out of there.

On a totally different subject, what kind of volunteer work do you do? You need to put yourself in a position to meet more people in a fun, casual environment. You can really bond with people hammering nails in a Habitat house or serving at a soup kitchen.

I would consider keeping the ring in the jewelry box. I find it odd to "talk" about sex when you meet someone and that's how it strikes me, and I'm old enough to be your mother and have been married for 27 years.

YES to all of these things. I agree. It's time for you to play your hand. You can stay in the safe zone and torture yourself mentally every day, or you can put yourself out there. It's time.

 

[tennvalgirl]

I have a question about the gym.
Are you going during the day, or at night?
A nighttime gym person is more likely to be single...right?

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

You have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk.

In your past posts you have mentioned having crushes on athletes, and actors. You have stated that the guys you have hung around with are "losers".

Learn how to date, flirt, etc. Then set your sights on the bigger prize.

Date a loser - you may find they have a lot going for them!

Getting a makeover is a great idea - new clothes, new hair, makeup will project confidence! (even if you are not)

 

[mmackeymouse]

I have a question about the gym.
Are you going during the day, or at night?
A nighttime gym person is more likely to be single...right?

Haha, I go to the gym in the morning and in the evening. The gentleman you may be referring to goes in the evening. I don't know that there is really a correlation between times of day and whether they are single or not.

I understand where you are coming from, as it seems a lot of the parents stop coming in the fall/winter, usually due to sports and other activities. But, there are several married people there in the evening, so I don't know that there is a link or anything.

In your past posts you have mentioned having crushes on athletes, and actors. You have stated that the guys you have hung around with are "losers".

Date a loser - you may find they have a lot going for them!

Getting a makeover is a great idea - new clothes, new hair, makeup will project confidence! (even if you are not)

Sure, I have crushes on athletes and actors and even married people. Crushes are harmless. I even have crushes on regular, normal people. When I refer to someone as a "loser," it certainly is not because they are not famous or rich or handsome or whatever.

The word loser may be a bit harsh, but I guess what I mean are guys with issues that I would not want to settle down with. For example, the last guy I hung out with in college, YEARS ago, I kept trying to keep in touch with. Couldn't ever find him. Come to find out months later, he was incarcerated. Lovely...

I have gotten a haircut, bought new clothes, I don't know that I would call it a "makeover," but I am taking steps to look like a new person.

 

[palmtreegirl]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSkd8apbWM

 

[mmackeymouse]

Major, major update. I am sorry it has been a while, but I was just too embarrassed to post.

This will be a long post, so please bear with me. I know I have not posted in a while. Through some creative investigative techniques, I discovered that it was likely that gym guy was married. I was mortified and heartbroken.

Most of all, I was downright annoyed. Because despite the married thing, there was still bits of eye contact and this and that. And I am thinking to myself what in the world is going on? I mean, I am not the type of girl to dig a married man, so of course this was really eating at me why I could not shake it.

Now, he does not wear his wedding ring while working out, but was advised by FireDancer that it is not really all that uncommon for guys to leave their ring off. But, then about a month ago, I saw him in street clothes. And he still did not have a ring on. Was he having marital problems? Seperated?

Now, don't get me wrong. I have not been pining away. There have been a couple of guys at church that I have tried to make eyes with. And I have joined a couple of online dating sites, with relatively little success. But, I am trying to put myself out there.

Well, the last couple of days at the gym have been super intense. I mean, so much so that I had to go to the locker room to shed a few tears and gather myself. So, finally, last night I decided that I was just going to find out what exactly was going on. Even if it sucked, even if it hurt.

So, I did. And, it turns out this girl I thought he was married to, it seems is married to a different guy with the exact same name. And, from her picture, I really do not think it is the same guy. I think. Now, this does not mean my gym guys is single. He could still be married or engaged or unavailable. But, I am more optimistic today than I was yesterday, and that is definitely a good thing.

Now, onto the really hard part. For the last month, I have tried to portray myself as snotty and distant and cold and witchy, just so he did not get the impression that I was interested. So, now I have to completely turn it back aroun and be open and friendly and smiley. I mean, who knows, I may have blown any chance I had with my behavior. He still has not spoken to me (or anyone) yet, so maybe I should give it up. I dunno.

 

[BelleWDW]

For the last month, I have tried to portray myself as snotty and distant and cold and witchy, just so he did not get the impression that I was interested.

So, now I have to completely turn it back aroun and be open and friendly and smiley. I mean, who knows, I may have blown any chance I had with my behavior. He still has not spoken to me (or anyone) yet, so maybe I should give it up. I dunno.

No offense-but I rarely glance at anyone at the gym, so I would be totally unaware if someone was trying to ignore me-KWIM?

If he hasnt talked to you-HE"S probably unaware you've been doing that either

 

[mmackeymouse]

No offense-but I rarely glance at anyone at the gym, so I would be totally unaware if someone was trying to ignore me-KWIM?

If he hasnt talked to you-HE"S probably unaware you've been doing that either

Argh, it is just so hard to explain.

Ya'll remember when you said I needed to work on being approachable to everyone and friendly and smile and stuff like that. And that if I did that, people would notice? Well, imagine that, then imagine the complete opposite. I mean, we are not talking just something simple like just avoiding eye contact. When I go, I go big. So when I say I have been a snot to everyone, I mean noticibly so.

Again, it is just a hard, hard situation to explain. It is hard to explain the dynamic, without understanding the layout of the gym, our workout schedules, interaction (nonverbal as it is). I told my sister she has to come to work out with me at least one time when she is home for Christmas. So she can at least see him, and maybe give me an unbiased, objective opinion.

I am also hoping that with me being gone for vacation in a couple of weeks, I dunno....absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something like that?

 

[Nie0214]

I notice nobody when I go to the gym. Anyone who notices you "acting like a snot" isn't going to give you the attention / thoughts you want to get. You want to be respected and reached out to right? Well nobody genuine, friendly, and moral (aka the type of man you probably want to be with) is going to approach someone who acts mean or standoffish.

Maybe you should stop "acting" and just be yourself? Just bump into him and ask how his workout was?

 

[Laura]

I notice nobody when I go to the gym. Anyone who notices you "acting like a snot" isn't going to give you the attention / thoughts you want to get. You want to be respected and reached out to right? Well nobody genuine, friendly, and moral (aka the type of man you probably want to be with) is going to approach someone who acts mean or standoffish.

Maybe you should stop "acting" and just be yourself? Just bump into him and ask how his workout was?

I agree. All this "making eyes" stuff really doesn't get one anywhere, either. Just talk to him. Say hello and smile. That's all you have to do to start a conversation. Maybe work up to two words next week: "Hello there". Baby steps.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I notice nobody when I go to the gym. Anyone who notices you "acting like a snot" isn't going to give you the attention / thoughts you want to get. You want to be respected and reached out to right? Well nobody genuine, friendly, and moral (aka the type of man you probably want to be with) is going to approach someone who acts mean or standoffish.

Maybe you should stop "acting" and just be yourself? Just bump into him and ask how his workout was?

I totally understand. I am/was the exact same way. Super, super focused. But, in a small town/small gym atmosphere, it is so different. I mean, you usually know or at least know of most people that work out. And, if you are on a routine, as I am, you know certain people who will be there at certain parts of the day. For example, when I get my butt up at 6 am, I know that my Brownies leader from when I was younger will be there with her husband, as will my godmother's boss. Same with any other part of the day.

Now, as I said before, I am usually so focused I do not talk to people, even the ones I know. But, I am really, really going to try and work on that. Even last night, I smiled and said hi, how are you to a girl I knew but usually never talk to at the gym.

The problem with being myself is being myself gets me nowhere. I mean even being friendly at the gym feels like I am not being true to myself, as myself is exceptionally and painfully shy. I try to convey my best self on those dating websites, and "being myself" gets me a big fat ol reeeeeejected.

But, I definitely agree with you that the mean and snotty has got to go.

 

[lillygator]

I think you are putting too much time and energy into a guy you don't know. All this obsession can't be good.

Focus on you and getting yourself in the right place. Quit looking for a guy and one will find you!

 

[Crankyshank]

Honestly, I think you are way too intense about the whole thing. That could be a reason why you are not getting responses on dating websites as well.

Take it from the approach that you're meeting cool people that you enjoy talking to, not that you are looking for a boyfriend. "Hey how's it going?" "wow that machine is kicking my butt". "nice day out". All easy things to say, involve no thought process, and make you seem approachable. I have horrible self-esteem and am extremely reserved, but still manage to smile at people and say "hey" or nod and smile if I enounter them. Do it to people at the grocery store, at the post office, at the library - keep doing it until it becomes second nature.

If you're responding to someone's posts on a dating site, just tell them hi and comment on something that caught your eye about it. If it's something you have in common, mention it. Keep it casual - make them earn the life story. Too much initial information, or too many expectations right off the bat turns people off.

And honestly, stop focusing on your weight/looks. It's your attitude, your smile, your presence that attracts/repels people. When you feel good about yourself, people respond to it. When you are feeling grumpy, self-conscious, and miserable people respond negatively to it.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I think you are putting too much time and energy into a guy you don't know. All this obsession can't be good.

Focus on you and getting yourself in the right place. Quit looking for a guy and one will find you!

I think this is beyond this one particular guy, though he plays a big part of it.

I mean, if I cannot talk to him, who can I talk to? Will I ever be able to talk to a guy? I mean, my whole life, I kind of thought Prince Charming would just fall into my life, show up at my front door, and that would be all she wrote. Now, I am starting to realize that it may not be as easy as I once envisioned it. I might have to do some work. I might have to actually speak. And, it is not easy. At all.

I mean I can sit around hoping and praying and waiting for a guy to talk to me. But, it hasn't happened yet. So, I guess I can put faith in the good Lord that it will happen someday. Or, I could follow the adage that God helps those who help themselves. I dunno...

 

[Laura]

I think this is beyond this one particular guy, though he plays a big part of it.

I mean, if I cannot talk to him, who can I talk to? Will I ever be able to talk to a guy? I mean, my whole life, I kind of thought Prince Charming would just fall into my life, show up at my front door, and that would be all she wrote. Now, I am starting to realize that it may not be as easy as I once envisioned it. I might have to do some work. I might have to actually speak. And, it is not easy. At all.

I mean I can sit around hoping and praying and waiting for a guy to talk to me. But, it hasn't happened yet. So, I guess I can put faith in the good Lord that it will happen someday. Or, I could follow the adage that God helps those who help themselves. I dunno...

It's hard to break the ice and talk to someone. Lots of people get nervous about that kind of stuff. Then you relax after a little bit and people get to know you better. Why do people often serve alcohol at parties? So guests can chill out with some booze and talk to strangers.

Being painfully shy is NOT your personality, it's a wall you put up to shield the real you from other people. Believe me. I'm very shy; I used to be much worse as a child. I consider it a flaw that I try to keep from people; it's not really who I am. I'm still working on it. Fortunately my husband is a much more outgoing person than I am.

If you put yourself out there, you will get rejected by someone. It will happen. That's their problem. You might be rejected by Gym Guy, you might not. You don't have to ask him out on a date (I wasted too much of my own time pining for guys who never asked me out--you can convey interest without doing that). Just say hello. Next time you see him--do that.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Being painfully shy is NOT your personality, it's a wall you put up to shield the real you from other people.

You know what? You are SO right. The real me is fun-loving and loves to laugh till I cry and yells at the tv when I am watching sports. The real me can jabber someone's ear off and has a unique sense of humor. I am the real me when I am on the couch with my dog snuggled up against me. The whole shyness thing is just a defense mechanism.

If you put yourself out there, you will get rejected by someone. It will happen. That's their problem. You might be rejected by Gym Guy, you might not. You don't have to ask him out on a date (I wasted too much of my own time pining for guys who never asked me out--you can convey interest without doing that). Just say hello. Next time you see him--do that

Don't you think I know that?! Why do you think I am the way I am. In addition to the idea that I consider the fact that guys do not talk to me our ask me out just as much rejection as the direct rejection I have received, I have so much experience with it. Rejection is when your classmates, your very good friends, are playing spin the bottle, and everyone quits when it is your turn to spin. Rejection is when your mom is on the phone a week before your junior prom, calling everyone she knows, begging them to have their child go to the prom with you, because no one else would go. Rejection is when you get set up on a blind date, and when you go to meet him, he doesn't show. Only, he DID show and saw you and was so disappointed in the way you look that he bolted before you could even meet. Rejection is for every 10 emails you send on match.com, 7 come back "Thanks, but no thanks" and the other 3 don't get responded to at all. Trust me, I KNOW what rejection is. That's why it's just so hard for me to stick my neck out there.

I will try to do better. I have to.

 

[Laura]

You know what? You are SO right. The real me is fun-loving and loves to laugh till I cry and yells at the tv when I am watching sports. The real me can jabber someone's ear off and has a unique sense of humor. I am the real me when I am on the couch with my dog snuggled up against me. The whole shyness thing is just a defense mechanism.



Don't you think I know that?! Why do you think I am the way I am. In addition to the idea that I consider the fact that guys do not talk to me our ask me out just as much rejection as the direct rejection I have received, I have so much experience with it. Rejection is when your classmates, your very good friends, are playing spin the bottle, and everyone quits when it is your turn to spin. Rejection is when your mom is on the phone a week before your junior prom, calling everyone she knows, begging them to have their child go to the prom with you, because no one else would go. Rejection is when you get set up on a blind date, and when you go to meet him, he doesn't show. Only, he DID show and saw you and was so disappointed in the way you look that he bolted before you could even meet. Rejection is for every 10 emails you send on match.com, 7 come back "Thanks, but no thanks" and the other 3 don't get responded to at all. Trust me, I KNOW what rejection is. That's why it's just so hard for me to stick my neck out there.

I will try to do better. I have to.

I know it's hard. For every one of your rejection stories, I have a similar one (well, I never did online dating--I found Mr. Right in 1997). I got over it, though, and if I can do it, you can. People can be jerks sometimes, and if they don't give you a chance, that's their fault.

I do think that Crankyshank could be right about you seeming a bit too intense. That can come off as trying too hard/desperate/needy, whatever. On match.com your rejection can't just be because of your picture--I don't see anything wrong with your photo in your avatar, for example. Seriously, women who are far less attractive than you can find guys. Just try to relax and don't take it personally when you get rejected like that. They don't really know you.

Oh, and high school rejection doesn't count. When guys are in high school, they're at their most shallow and pathetic. Besides, you don't know who might have been pining for you and wasn't brave enough to show it. True story: My best friend just started dating a guy from our high school who never asked her out but had a crush on her. They "met up" on Facebook a few months back. We graduated 15 years ago!