Confidence issues- 12/16/09 UPDATE

[allison443]

Here is the thing. To me, it IS a big deal. I want to get married and have a family. (not necessarily with him) I am 27 years old, and never had a boyfriend. I kind of feel like this could be IT. Like, this is my judgement day. And if it does not happen (with any guy) in the next few months, will it ever?Is this God's way of saying it's never going to happen for me? Am I being punished?

I know that is an awful lot of pressure to put on speaking to a guy, but....I feel pushed into a corner, like it's now or never.

You sound like a very sweet person. It sounds like you have done a great job losing weight, getting healthy, working out...making changes in that way. How about other aspects of your life? You're 27, how is your career going? Can you focus on that? Take additional courses/certification/schooling? Do you live on your own, or at home with family? Have you ever considered relocating?

If this guy at the gym doesn't work out, are there any single guys at work, at your church, in your group of friends? What else are you doing to meet people besides the gym? It would be a shame to finally talk to this guy, and if by chance he's unavailable/unsuitable for whatever reason, you have kind of wasted a lot of time/emotion/energy on this. You really don't even know if you like his personality...because you haven't spoken to him. The whole crush is based on him being attractive, right? You are really putting A LOT of pressure on yourself about this one "crush". It's like you're sabotaging yourself..saying if it doesn't work out with him, God is telling you something. Come on, that is silly and a bit overdramatic and I think you know that...

I totally understand that you want to find a great guy, get married, have a family. But sometimes when you work on yourself, the confidence will then come, kwim?

Also, and please don't take this the wrong way, are you still dressing the same way you did before you lost the weight? Treat yourself to some new outfits, a little makeup...like others said, that could give a boost as well.

Good luck to you!

 

[mmackeymouse]

It would be a shame to finally talk to this guy, and if by chance he's unavailable/unsuitable for whatever reason, you have kind of wasted a lot of time/emotion/energy on this. You really don't even know if you like his personality...because you haven't spoken to him. The whole crush is based on him being attractive, right?

Honestly, not really. I mean, he IS attractive in a typically good-looking kind of way. BUT, there are lots of good looking guys at the gym that are fun to look at. And I have never really felt an attraction to any of them, because quite frankly, gym rats are not my type. And this guy is about as far from the kind of guy I normally go for as you can get. He is certainly better looking than I thought I would ever have a chance at.

But, that said, if you knew me at all, you'd know I have no standard when it comes to looks. And, honestly, more often than not, I end up falling for the not so handsome guys. Something unique about them that I like, I dunno.

But, what is different between him and all the other guys at the gym is the vibe I get when he walks in the gym. I feel a genuine connection, and I guess that is why it would be so hard if it isn't to be. I want to be able to trust my gut instinct, but not if my gut instinct is mistaken. Lol...

But, as always, I appreciate you taking your time to advise me. It means the world.

 

[allison443]

Honestly, not really. I mean, he IS attractive in a typically good-looking kind of way. BUT, there are lots of good looking guys at the gym that are fun to look at. And I have never really felt an attraction to any of them, because quite frankly, gym rats are not my type. And this guy is about as far from the kind of guy I normally go for as you can get. He is certainly better looking than I thought I would ever have a chance at.

But, that said, if you knew me at all, you'd know I have no standard when it comes to looks. And, honestly, more often than not, I end up falling for the not so handsome guys. Something unique about them that I like, I dunno.

But, what is different between him and all the other guys at the gym is the vibe I get when he walks in the gym. I feel a genuine connection, and I guess that is why it would be so hard if it isn't to be. I want to be able to trust my gut instinct, but not if my gut instinct is mistaken. Lol...

But, as always, I appreciate you taking your time to advise me. It means the world.

I definitely didn't mean to imply that you were being shallow and just judging someone based on looks! I'm sorry if it sounded like that...but what I was trying to say was you have built up this crush just be seeing him, "the vibe" you get. You say you feel a "genuine connection" but yet you have never spoken to him, you don't know whether he's available, suitable, etc. So how can there be a connection? That's what I mean by really building this up. I think you are mature enough to know that you have to know someone to have a "genuine connection" with the real person.
Example, obviously your beliefs are very important to you...maybe he doesn't share or respect those beliefs. Maybe he is separated with a couple of kids. Maybe he has anger management issues. Maybe he is a felon. You have no idea "who" he really is. That is not the basis of a relationship and thinking he is the one.

What about the other areas of your life like your career, your church, etc.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I definitely didn't mean to imply that you were being shallow and just judging someone based on looks! I'm sorry if it sounded like that...but what I was trying to say was you have built up this crush just be seeing him, "the vibe" you get. You say you feel a "genuine connection" but yet you have never spoken to him, you don't know whether he's available, suitable, etc. So how can there be a connection? That's what I mean by really building this up. I think you are mature enough to know that you have to know someone to have a "genuine connection" with the real person.
Example, obviously your beliefs are very important to you...maybe he doesn't share or respect those beliefs. Maybe he is separated with a couple of kids. Maybe he has anger management issues. Maybe he is a felon. You have no idea "who" he really is. That is not the basis of a relationship and thinking he is the one.

What about the other areas of your life like your career, your church, etc.

I'm still reading and following along when I have time.

I have to say that I completely agree with this. OP, you have to settle down some. I understand have the giddy feeling and the new crush emotion and stuff but I'm worried you are building this guy up to more than he can reach even if his available and single and interested.

I haven't met very many, well none actually, women that met their first love and that developed into the forever love. I understand you have ideas about what you want but you aren't going to actually know for certain what you want until you get out there and meet and find out.

I know that is easier said than done, especially being in a smallish town. Part of it is just putting yourself out there to meet new people whether in church or local singles group or a community event. If you don't like the bar scene then don't go that route, there are other places to meet people.

I just worry that you are fixated on this one guy and someone that wants your attention won't have a shot. Also, honestly, all the research you have done is just a bit skivvy. I'm not for sure how I'd feel about someone doing all that research about me before we even met. Please just relax and be happy, enjoy the life you have now not the one you dream about.

 

[tar heel]

Is there a church in your area with a singles group? It doesn't have to be your church.

Is there a Christian on-line dating service? There must be. I have friends who met on a Jewish one and the guy who cleans our building met his wife on a Catholic one (Christian, of course).

Don't take this the wrong way, but that ring is going to scare a lot of guys to death. I think it's fine that you plan to remain a virgin until you're married but find the ring weird -- you should be able to have things in your heart without wearing a sign advertising it. I'm sure there are some guys who aren't just looking to score who would feel the same way. Some might think of it as a signal to stay away.

I think you already know this . . . but you also should be getting out and meeting people instead of dwelling on this one guy.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I haven't met very many, well none actually, women that met their first love and that developed into the forever love. I understand you have ideas about what you want but you aren't going to actually know for certain what you want until you get out there and meet and find out.

I have. My mom.

Also, you would be incorrect in assuming that this or any other guy would be my first love.

Okay, I have noted your and the other posters' concerns. Sorry to appear so focused and obsessed. The reason it is like this, is because I really haven't had any interest in going out and meeting guys for a long while. Until him. And, you are right, maybe it isn't really about him, but rather a sign that I should be out there looking.

Okay, well bye...

 

[monkeybug]

Gah! I am. SUCH. AN. IDIOT. I really pray to the Lord that it is not as bad as I am making it out to be in my mind. But.....I am just so embarrassed.

So, I am at gym working out. I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact I was not going to see him this week. Now, if you've been following the thread, you saw me describe the setup of the windows/mirrors. Now, the windows are thick glass, of course, so it is not an exact reflection, there is some distortion to it a little bit. And, unless you are like a foot away from the window, it is pretty much impossible to tell the focus of someone's eyes.

So, anyway, I am on the treadmill and I was looking down at the display; I look up, and there he is. (In the reflection in the window) But, because I could not really tell, I really had to focus my eyes. What happened next, I cannot even explain. It has never happened to me before. I let my emotions overcome my control and.....ugh.

When I realized it was in fact him, without realizing I was doing it, completely subconsciously, I started smiling. Not just smiling. Grinning from ear to ear. Now, we were both facing the same window. And he was directly behind me about 20 feet. So, when I looked ahead working out, he was in my line of vision. (Yay for me). Like I said, he was facing the same window, so I can only assume he could see my reflection as well. So, there I am, looking up at his reflection (I don't know if he could tell I was looking at him through the window or if it just looked like I was looking up) and grinning like a lunatic.

And, all of the sudden, he starts smiling and laughing. And, it was at that moment, I realized how visibly I was grinning. I immediately became self-conscious, messing with my hair, my hands, my ring (on other finger). So, anyway, I don't know if he caught me staring at him and obviously happy, and so he found it funny or sad. Or, maybe there was some other inside random joke that he was laughing about.

I just don't want to be obvious. And, that was pretty dang obvious.

I haven't read this whole thread, so I apologize if this is advice you've been given a thousand times already!!
You sound so adorable! Like a girl who has a lot going on for her!! I think before anything else you need to convince yourself of that!!! In my experience Men are a lot like Woman when it comes to what attracts them, and 9 times out of 10 that's confidence and a sense of humor! Sounds like you've already got 1 out of 2!
My best friend growing up was a model. A gorgeous, smart, funny, MODEL!! She looks pretty much just like Niki Taylor. Me? Ummm...not so much! The funny thing? When it came to boys, I always had better luck than she did. The reason? I wasn't afraid to stick my neck out there. I wasn't afraid to be embarrassed or look like an idiot. I was OK with the fact that my best wasn't going to be good enough for everyone. I mean being humiliated sucked!!!! It really did!!! Sometimes I wanted to dig a deep hole and just hibernate until everyone who witnessed my embarrassing antics was old enough to have Alzheimers!! But the effects of playing it safe and never risking humiliation???? Well to me those looked like they sucked a lot more! My friend missed prom, and built up boys in her head a point that they would never measure up to in reality, and then pined away too afraid to confront them, she spent all of high school and college single! And she was a gorgeous, smart, funny, MODEL!!! Any boy in our rinky dink town would have jumped at the chance to date her, had she ever been confident enough to actually engage in conversation with one!! She eventually got over her lack of confidence, and now has a great boyfriend. We still laugh about some of those boys who she thought were Mr. Perfect...one is well on the way to being Mrs. Perfect now! He probably would have loved to have a pal in the fashion industry!
So go stick out your neck!!! It will probably get chopped right off a dozen times, but don't let that stop you from trying again and again. Are you more afraid of being humiliated than you are of that dream of Marriage and family never coming true? I personally think that dream is worth a little risk, don't you??? I think you've built up the consequences of a little embarrassment in your head, and your letting that fear paralyze you. It's bad...but it's not that bad, and you will get over it, and laugh at it one day! I blew disgusting, bacteria ridden green snot all over the first boy I ever danced with!!! I mean a green SNOT rocket all over him!!! I really did feel like I was going to die..kinda' was praying I would. Today??? I could blow coffee out my nose right now just thinking about it. (I seem to have things coming out the nose issues) In fact it's one of my favorite stories to tell!! Someday you'll look back on your big cheesy grin and tell your husband you can't believe he fell for McCheesy, and then you'll laugh until your belly aches and trip over your cat or pee your pants and feel stupid all over again...until you don't, because eventually you won't. It's the circle of life....or the Lion King...or something like that. Anywho....
Slap on some lipstick, put your big girl panties on (and maybe a depends), and think of something to say to Mr. hunky treadmill man!!!! He might be the sort with a big ol' weakness for Cheesy lunatic grins...or he might want to borrow your heels...but you gotta' try!!

 

[Kika]

Okay...I haven't read this whole thing...just the beginning and the end mostly, but here's my two cents for what it's worth:
The smiling could be a good sign. When you go to the gym next and see him, just smile and say, "Hi" or "Hey, How's it going?"...whatever you are comfortable with. Just do that the next time, and next few times, you see him. Maybe that will open up the conversation at some point. If you start talking on a regular basis, you can always ask, "What are you doing this weekend?", or "Doing anything fun this weekend?" Maybe there is somewhere he hangs out on the weekends with his friends where you and your friends can "show up" or something like that. However, for now just start out saying hi and see where it goes.

Best of luck!

 

[XTinabell]

I'm still reading and following along when I have time.

I have to say that I completely agree with this. OP, you have to settle down some. I understand have the giddy feeling and the new crush emotion and stuff but I'm worried you are building this guy up to more than he can reach even if his available and single and interested.

I haven't met very many, well none actually, women that met their first love and that developed into the forever love. I understand you have ideas about what you want but you aren't going to actually know for certain what you want until you get out there and meet and find out.

I know that is easier said than done, especially being in a smallish town. Part of it is just putting yourself out there to meet new people whether in church or local singles group or a community event. If you don't like the bar scene then don't go that route, there are other places to meet people.

I just worry that you are fixated on this one guy and someone that wants your attention won't have a shot. Also, honestly, all the research you have done is just a bit skivvy. I'm not for sure how I'd feel about someone doing all that research about me before we even met. Please just relax and be happy, enjoy the life you have now not the one you dream about.

Consider me the first one you've met then I guess. Sorta met. My first love is/has been my only love, we've been together almost 11 years and are getting married next fall.

I don't think the OP has too high expectations when you're crushing on someone all you think is that this is it, this is right. It's normal.

 

[ZPT1022]

No. Without sounding too stalkerish, like I said before, I did a little googling on him.

For one, his last name is one that is not familiar to our area at all. For two, he went to school, so I assume is from, a city about an hour from us, where there is about 40 families with the same last name.

I think I need to lay off the Google for a while, and just let things be.

You have to remember that he doesn't know that you googled him. That information is essentially your little secret up until the point where he tells you his last name and/or gives you that info. As far as he knows, you know nothing about him, so going up to him and saying that you noticed that you've never seen him around town and how unusual that is given your small town, is actually still a very valid conversation starter. Honestly, that seems like the easiest jumping off point for a conversation/hopeful friendship and then just take it from there

 

[Liberty Belle]

OP, have you ever considered therapy to help you with this issue? I hope you take this in the way it is intended, but it seems like therapy could really help you. Do you think you might have social anxiety?

 

[mmackeymouse]

I don't think the OP has too high expectations when you're crushing on someone all you think is that this is it, this is right. It's normal.

Thanks for trying to defend me, but they are right. It was crazy for me to think that there might be "something there" between me and someone I've never even spoken to. The idea that he may have been feeling "the vibe" too was just stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.

OP, have you ever considered therapy to help you with this issue? I hope you take this in the way it is intended, but it seems like therapy could really help you. Do you think you might have social anxiety?

No. I honestly think it is a confidence issue. I actually like very much to be around people and can't stand being alone (which may be a therapy session in and of itself). Anyway, I prefer to be out and about, even if it is just people watching. But, as sad as I may seem, normally, if someone initiates a conversation with me, I can hold my own. And if they know me? Well! Then I am downright irresistable! So, no, I don't think I have any sort of social anxiety. But, lack of confidence......apparantly that is a possibility.

 

[MinnieTink]

Sometimes you are what you think you are. You keep saying over and over and over that you have confidence issues and you WILL have confidence issues. I think you should dump this thread and start a new one called My Quest to Get Treadmill Guy and GO FOR IT!!!! Now get going girl and I want to hear some positive thoughts outta you!!

 

[disneymarie]

I would make a T-shirt to wear to work out that says, I am a Disney Princess or character, ask me which one I am!
Then some glit to it..

Also, I would join a club like scrabble at night, or photography, any interest you have, and mingle in a mix group. You would be surprised how many people may have a friend, a coworker etc to introduce you too.

It is more of an ice breaker then cold turkey someone you do not know.
I was always leary of online match clubs and craigs list as we had several of those go wrong in our area and we are rural.

But, anxious to strike up a conversation....I would be too. Generally guys looking are speaking. If he is attached to a gal, or guy he could give the quiet act,..wait it out a bit and see.

But really I would try a gimic shirt.
good luck.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Sometimes you are what you think you are. You keep saying over and over and over that you have confidence issues and you WILL have confidence issues. I think you should dump this thread and start a new one called My Quest to Get Treadmill Guy and GO FOR IT!!!! Now get going girl and I want to hear some positive thoughts outta you!!

No the heck kidding. I was just thinking today about how my simple thread to gain self-confidence has evolved into my living Hades of Young and the Restless.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything to "go for." If he were interested, he would speak to me.

Sorry....Polly, my red-haired cousin will be visiting soon, so I am just a little bit emotional and on edge.

 

[monkeybug]

No the heck kidding. I was just thinking today about how my simple thread to gain self-confidence has evolved into my living Hades of Young and the Restless.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything to "go for." If he were interested, he would speak to me.

Sorry....Polly, my red-haired cousin will be visiting soon, so I am just a little bit emotional and on edge.

I don't think that just because he hasn't spoken to you means that he isn't or wouldn't be interested in you. He doesn't even know you!!!!
I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need some "tough" love.
I think you looking for excuses that will get you out of facing your fear of initiating a conversation with him. Your being a bit wimpy about it.(sorry I know that sounds mean, but I promise I don't intend it that way) What have you got to lose? So what if you talk to him and you find out he's not interested? If he's mean and horrible about than you can feel good about not ending up with the jerk! Stop making excuses and face your fears, or just accept that it is probably never going to happen and buy like 15 cats and a bunch of yarn . Who said that to keep doing the same thing over and over and yet expect a different result each time is insanity? Heed their advice!!! Stop doing nothing and expecting something in return. It's time to find your inner "I don't give a darn" and just go for it!!

 

[RunningGirl]

I think the smile was a very good sign! If he thought you were annoying or stalkerish he would have been scowling, not smiling. Next time just try eye contact and a smile.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything to "go for." If he were interested, he would speak to me.

Why? You're interested in him but you haven't spoken to him.

Count me as another who has been married to her first love for 22 years now. Didn't know anything about him but felt that "vibe". I was also very very shy and he didn't know I existed.

Keep open for other opportunities, but don't feel bad about crushing on one particular guy. Just be aware that there may be someone else out there who smiles every time you come in the room.

 

[SDFgirl]

I read this whole thread and two things stuck out at me.

First of all - on one hand, you say your confidence is soaring since the weight loss. That's great - and a huge accomplishment. I wish I could say I've lost 30+ lbs. But, on the other hand - I have read you over and over calling yourself an IDIOT, PATHETIC, MORON, etc. You have GOT to stop putting that garbage into your head! Even if you're joking/being sarcastic, whatever...you ARE what you tell yourself. And let's be blunt, here - nobody is attracted to self-loathing. People are attracted to openness, happiness, confidence.

I would never, ever call myself the names you call yourself. Not at all saying I'm "better" than you. But I think you have a lot going for you, and you need to get those ugly words out of your vocabulary.

Secondly, what is soooo bad about being rejected? Will you die? Will you be horribly disfigured? NO. Your feelings will be temporarily hurt, yes. But WHY is that so bad? I mean, really. You can bounce back from that. When I was single, there were plenty of times when I thought a guy was cute/interesting, struck up a conversation, and got totally blown off or ignored. It happens. It's not the end of the world. Laugh at yourself, (then laugh at him a little ) and move on.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, that's not my intention. But sooner or later you've got to quit sabbotaging yourself and ACT!! Worse case, he's not interested. That doesn't equate to you being doomed to roam the planet alone forever. It just means that this ONE particular person wasn't interested...

I don't know any happily married people (myself included) who have not been rejected at some point in their dating career.

Good luck!!

 

[LoveDisney!!!]

First,

Second, did you post last year about having a crush on someone in the NFL? If so, it doesn't seem that you have done anything in the year since then to socialize more and try to date.

I do feel for you, since you seem to have really low self esteem from being overweight. It's hard to open your self up, but what have you got to lose? If the guy rejects you, then he wasn't worth your time anyway. If he is interested, then GREAT!

You are very sheltered and that can be a bad thing. If you are so desperate for companionship, then you can end up with a total jerk. Since you haven't dated much, then you might not realize that he is not right for you and will remain in a bad relationship. Plus, you lack the confidence to end a relationship (I am basing this on the fact that you lack the confidence to even speak to your crush).

Sticking to your convictions is wonderful, but wearing a purity ring may make you look unavailable (mistaken for a promise/engagement ring). You don't need to broadcast your "status"; that should be left for after your have started dating. You can continue to wear the ring on a necklace if you want, but I would remove it from my finger.

If you are too nervous to speak to the guy at the gym, then try finding someone at a church function. It seems that your best bet would be to find someone there, as it is likely the share similar values.

There are tons of guys that like overweight women, but the women need to have confidence. You really may benefit from therapy (try not to think about the negative connotation that it may have). It can help you overcome the negative self image you have, help give you confidence, and figure out WHY you are drawn to people that you have no interaction with (for instance, if something happened to you when you were younger - not saying that did happen though).

Good Luck!

 

[LoveDisney!!!]

Anyway, I don't think there is anything to "go for." If he were interested, he would speak to me.

Just wanted to respond to this.

Perhaps he is too shy. Maybe he sees the ring you wear and thinks you are unavailable. Or maybe he isn't interested. The point is, you may never know and do you really want to live with the "what ifs"???

If he says no, don't let it get you down (I do realize rejection can be hard, especially when you have built things up in your mind), but we all go through it. We become stronger.