Confidence issues- 12/16/09 UPDATE

[mmackeymouse]

Okay, this is going to seem so immature and high schoolish, but it is something I have battled most of my life, and pretty much all of my adult life.

As is true of most people, I would LOVE to find the right guy and settle down and have a family. It is my lifelong dream to do so. I just have trouble talking to guys. As usual, "there is this guy"....I will provide details in the next post, if anyone is interested.

I guess I am just trying to figure out where my nervousness comes from. My whole life, I have convinced myself that it is my weight that has prevented me from dating. Recently, I have lost a pretty sizable amount of weight, and while I am still not the gorgeous standard of beauty in this country, I am still healthier and happier, and fitter than I have been in probably 15 years. My confidence in myself is at an all time high.

But still, I cannot talk to a guy, and I figure, if I can't now, is it really the weight? If I can't now, will I EVER be able to? I mean, I may not be stunning, but I know women much bigger with great husbands and families, so....

I am quiet, and maybe a bit shy by nature, but once someone knows me, I can talk their ear off. With the guys at my high school, I never had trouble talking to them, but I suppose it was because I had known them for so long. Once I hit college, it was a whole different story.

Part of the way I was raised was that the guy should call the girl. That if a guy was really interested, he would make the effort to talk to me. I know that logically, it is the 21st century, and guys can be just as shy as girls, but the traditional part of me wish it would be a whole lot easier and they would talk to me. The logical part of me realizes that in order for me to ever have a chance at getting a guy, I may have to bite the bullet and just do it.

I can provide many details later, and can answer any questions that may provide insight into my situation. Any comments would be appreciated.

 

[paintnolish]

How about an online dating site? I met dh through Match and have lots of friends who have met thir SOs thorugh them.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Do you talk to this guy at all? Have anything in common like classes organizations or favorite teams? Something to strike up a conversation?

Do you find it as difficult to approach females to make friends? I think the hardest part is seeing a guy as a potential friend and not the oooh lala he is sooo cute dreamboat until you smell their bathroom and know about morning breath

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I live by the motto "fake it till ya feel it!"

I have confidence issues too. Mine's not just around guys, but just generally around crowds of people I don't know. I've made progress, mostly just by faking it until I am actually comfortable. Apparently I am pretty good at the faking thing, because a lot of people are surprised when I tell them this.

 

[ChrizJen]

I totally agree with Tina. As usual, she's got great advice and she beat me to the punch!

Try aproaching it simply on an "I want to be your friend. Let's hang out." kind of thing. Set aside your attraction to him for the moment, and focus on becoming friends with him. Then, once the friendship is there, let it ease into something more. It's the best thing for everyone, because then your relationship is based on a good solid friendship. I've never known any good, successful relationship that didn't rely on the foundations of a good friendship. Also, go into it with the assumption that he's just as shy as you are.
Good luck! You can do it!!

 

[lillygator]

are you nervous to the point you can't speak to him it all? or just worried you are going to say the wrong thing?

 

[Planogirl]

I think that it's normal to be nervous when you're trying to approach someone you're interested in. How nervous do you get? Like Lillygator said is your problem that you tend to say the wrong thing or worry that you will?

 

[mmackeymouse]

How about an online dating site? I met dh through Match and have lots of friends who have met thir SOs thorugh them.

I am on Match.com. And have not had any success. I have had the occasional hit from a variety of creepy old guys. But, no responses other than that. Want to hear something sad? A couple of years ago, I did one of those free compatibility report on eHarmony. And, it actually came back that I was among the like 3% of people in the world, who they cannot find anyone compatible. I could not stop laughing!

Do you talk to this guy at all? Have anything in common like classes organizations or favorite teams? Something to strike up a conversation?

Okay so here is the "scoop" on this guy. No, I don't talk to him at all. If I could, I would. And if I did, this post would not exist. Anyway, I see him at the gym everyday (for the most part). He is/was new. And, I could not really tell out how old he was, or anything like that. I assumed he was adult-aged, as he seems very athletic, and I made the assumption that if he were in school, he'd be at practice for something. Another thing that makes it difficult, is there were not any local schools on any of the clothing he works out in. Normally, people have local schools or local softball leagues, or whatever on their clothes and nothing was familiar to me. So essentially, I knew nothing. Bear in mind, I come from a very small town/community, so you don't run into strangers a whole lot like in cities, where you could meet someone new every day.

We do have in common that we do not talk to other people when we work out. Which is definitely working against me. I know a lot of people go up to the gym and chat, which is fine, but that is just not me. When I work out, I am extremely focused. I don't know if that is how he is, too, or if he just doesn't know a whole lot of people because he's new to town.

Anyway, last night, I finally figured out what his name was via the sign-in sheet. And, at the risk of sounding stalkerish, with the magic of the internet, I was able to find out that he is in fact pretty close to my age, and is not from the immediate area. That is all I know. He could be married for all I know; some people do work out without their wedding ring on. Or he could be unmarried, and still seeing someone. I dunno, though. I try not to let him catch me looking at him, but sometimes, I just get the vibe that you know, MAYBE I have a chance.

Wishful thinking, maybe....

 

[KAMLEM]

I think the hardest part is seeing a guy as a potential friend and not the oooh lala he is sooo cute dreamboat until you smell their bathroom and know about morning breath

Oh how true!

 

[mmackeymouse]

are you nervous to the point you can't speak to him it all? or just worried you are going to say the wrong thing?

It's not just him. It's any guy, but especially those that I find intriguing or attractive. I guess I am just afraid of rejection. I mean even if it is someone I am not interested in, I am afraid their reaction will be, "Why does this troll think she can talk to me?"

Which, I mean, I am intelligent, was well-liked in high school, like sports (as I am sure you know lilly). I really have a lot to offer, but guys can just be so shallow.

I remember my Senior year of college, there was this guy that I had had a crush on for a couple of years. And, he sat next to me in this one class. Well halfway through the semester, I pumped myself up and just said "Just gotta do it. You just have to talk to him." So I did. And, it was a bust. Awful.

 

[DWGal210]

I am on Match.com. And have not had any success. I have had the occasional hit from a variety of creepy old guys. But, no responses other than that. Want to hear something sad? A couple of years ago, I did one of those free compatibility report on eHarmony. And, it actually came back that I was among the like 3% of people in the world, who they cannot find anyone compatible. I could not stop laughing!

OMG it said the same thing about me!!!! I was so bummed. I took it as a sign that I was not meant to do online dating.

Okay so here is the "scoop" on this guy. No, I don't talk to him at all. If I could, I would. And if I did, this post would not exist. Anyway, I see him at the gym everyday (for the most part). He is/was new. And, I could not really tell out how old he was, or anything like that. I assumed he was adult-aged, as he seems very athletic, and I made the assumption that if he were in school, he'd be at practice for something. Another thing that makes it difficult, is there were not any local schools on any of the clothing he works out in. Normally, people have local schools or local softball leagues, or whatever on their clothes and nothing was familiar to me. So essentially, I knew nothing. Bear in mind, I come from a very small town/community, so you don't run into strangers a whole lot like in cities, where you could meet someone new every day.

We do have in common that we do not talk to other people when we work out. Which is definitely working against me. I know a lot of people go up to the gym and chat, which is fine, but that is just not me. When I work out, I am extremely focused. I don't know if that is how he is, too, or if he just doesn't know a whole lot of people because he's new to town.

Anyway, last night, I finally figured out what his name was via the sign-in sheet. And, at the risk of sounding stalkerish, with the magic of the internet, I was able to find out that he is in fact pretty close to my age, and is not from the immediate area. That is all I know. He could be married for all I know; some people do work out without their wedding ring on. Or he could be unmarried, and still seeing someone. I dunno, though. I try not to let him catch me looking at him, but sometimes, I just get the vibe that you know, MAYBE I have a chance.

Wishful thinking, maybe....

I know exactly what you mean; I feel the same way as you do and would like any advice that people could give. I don't feel I could do online dating on any other sites, mostly because I don't think anyone would pick me out up a line-up. But that might be something I have to get over.

 

[missypie]

You've got to start with idle chit chat. (But don't let him know that you've looked him up online.) Easy gym chat...this machine is such a bear, I can't seem to do more than 40 pounds on this weight machine, etc. You've got to have the idle chat for a while - weeks.

Are you training for anything in particular? You may want to find some kind of charity walk or run and ask him if he wants to do it with you. Then you'd get to spend time out of the gym with him. (At that point he may say, "Great and I'll bring my wife and kids" but then at least you'll know.)

But bear in mind this is the gym. If he blows you off DO NOT lose confidence in yourself. I hate going to the gym and hate to see people I know there, especially after I'm hot and sweaty and my hair is a mess. If he isn't responsive, it may just mean that he doesn't feel social at the gym.

 

[mmackeymouse]

Back from the gym. No new developments.....on a positive note, our bags were all on top of each other. How lame does that sound?

I may have to try the idle chat thing. It is hard, because like I said neither one of us really say a word to anyone when we are in there.

By the way, I AM training for something......the Castaway Cay 5K! Other than that, just trying to get in shape and lose weight. I have lost 50 lbs since I graduated from college. But, he only knows me as I am now, and I kind of think, if he knew what I looked like then, and what I look like now.....maybe I'd seem a lot more impressive, I dunno.

We've made eye contact a few times, but like I said, I try to look away and not get caught. Nothing is worse than having someone stare at you while working out. Gives me the creeps. So, yeah, I definitely don't wanna creep him ouy. I mean, he could be thinking "Look at that cow on the treadmill" for all I know. It is hard, because in our gym, one side is a mirror, and there are windows on three sides, and when it gets dark, you can see reflections in the windows. So, when it is dark, you can see pretty much every part of the gym. And if he walks by me, and is facing the windows, and I turn to look at him, he will see me in the window staring at him.....so I have to be really discreet and careful.

I just feel so silly......it has been a long time (we are talking years) since I have had a "crush" so to speak, and I have seen (not seen like dated) guys since then, and I have been perfectly content being single, just concentrating on myself. Then, out of nowhere, I am like a schoolgirl all over again.

 

[BelleWDW]

Sorry but unless you see him elsewhere, its nearly imposssible to know the marital staus of someone at a gym.
I'd try to find someone with something more in common

 

[Magix]

I agree with those who say to start with some chit-chat. Honestly, I'm no better at any of this than you are (and am in much the same boat all the time), but if you don't at least say "Hi. How's it going?", you'll get nowhere. Maybe he just needs someone to speak to him and he'll start to open up a bit. You won't know anything at all about him until you get him talking. If he doesn't want to talk, then you know he's not worth pursuing.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'd practice on guys you didn't find attractive, first. I mean, don't lead them on, but practice starting a conversation. Is there anyone at work, church, class, etc you can do that with?

 

[lillygator]

It's not just him. It's any guy, but especially those that I find intriguing or attractive. I guess I am just afraid of rejection. I mean even if it is someone I am not interested in, I am afraid their reaction will be, "Why does this troll think she can talk to me?"

Which, I mean, I am intelligent, was well-liked in high school, like sports (as I am sure you know lilly). I really have a lot to offer, but guys can just be so shallow.

I remember my Senior year of college, there was this guy that I had had a crush on for a couple of years. And, he sat next to me in this one class. Well halfway through the semester, I pumped myself up and just said "Just gotta do it. You just have to talk to him." So I did. And, it was a bust. Awful.

of course you have a lot to offer....and yes, you may get rejected...but if you go into a conversation thinking that already, then you may be setting yourself up for failure. (and I know this is easy to type, etc)....and as easy and cliche as it sounds, if it's a bust - then it is meant to be...and yes, guys can be shallow (as can women) but let's go forward into conversations with men not thinking this way...you have no use and time for someone like that in your life, and I'm sure you would pick up on that right away. If you feel your confidence is really an issue, maybe start by speaking to strangers you feel are attractive, a simple hello and smile and go about your business....well, not that I should advocate talking to strangers, but maybe there is a cute UPS guy, someone in your office, someone you see at mcd's etc that you think is attractive.....you need to start peeling these layers and be you...!

Back from the gym. No new developments.....on a positive note, our bags were all on top of each other. How lame does that sound?

I may have to try the idle chat thing. It is hard, because like I said neither one of us really say a word to anyone when we are in there.

By the way, I AM training for something......the Castaway Cay 5K! Other than that, just trying to get in shape and lose weight. I have lost 50 lbs since I graduated from college. But, he only knows me as I am now, and I kind of think, if he knew what I looked like then, and what I look like now.....maybe I'd seem a lot more impressive, I dunno.

We've made eye contact a few times, but like I said, I try to look away and not get caught. Nothing is worse than having someone stare at you while working out. Gives me the creeps. So, yeah, I definitely don't wanna creep him ouy. I mean, he could be thinking "Look at that cow on the treadmill" for all I know. It is hard, because in our gym, one side is a mirror, and there are windows on three sides, and when it gets dark, you can see reflections in the windows. So, when it is dark, you can see pretty much every part of the gym. And if he walks by me, and is facing the windows, and I turn to look at him, he will see me in the window staring at him.....so I have to be really discreet and careful.

I just feel so silly......it has been a long time (we are talking years) since I have had a "crush" so to speak, and I have seen (not seen like dated) guys since then, and I have been perfectly content being single, just concentrating on myself. Then, out of nowhere, I am like a schoolgirl all over again.

ok, so, what is your gym routine and what is his? are you in there doing cardio? is he doing cardio? is he on the weights? give me the details.....

 

[mmackeymouse]

Sorry but unless you see him elsewhere, its nearly imposssible to know the marital staus of someone at a gym.
I'd try to find someone with something more in common

This is true. Although, most of the guys I see up there DO wear their wedding ring if they are married. Of course, not all do, and ya just never know.

Of course, rings are not everything, as I myself wear a ring on my left ring finger, and I am certainly not spoken for.

And about finding someone with more in common......that is hard to do, when you have trouble speaking to people. Ha

 

[mmackeymouse]

...well, not that I should advocate talking to strangers, but maybe there is a cute UPS guy, someone in your office, someone you see at mcd's etc that you think is attractive.....you need to start peeling these layers and be you...!

I get your drift but I did laugh, as our UPS man is my dad!

ok, so, what is your gym routine and what is his? are you in there doing cardio? is he doing cardio? is he on the weights? give me the details.....

Gosh, well that is hard to pinpoint. Um, well I can only speak definitively to mine. I do cardio every day. I lift maybe 2-3 days a week. I usually do cardio to weight ratio of 2:1. From what I can tell, he does just the opposite, doing weight to cardio of 2:1. He had been running outside after his workouts, but some days he just runs inside on the treadmill. He lifts for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, then runs. Of course, I cannot run worth a darn, so we definitely do not have that in common.

 

[Nennie]

Of course, rings are not everything, as I myself wear a ring on my left ring finger, and I am certainly not spoken for.

Take that ring off! STAT!

Seriously, you never know if there are people who have wanted to approach you, but saw the ring and chickened out b/c they thought you were taken.